Broken Spirit
by LauraHannah90
Summary: When Charlie threatens to send Bella for mental help, he doesn't back down - but moving on is far from what Bella wants to do. As she ignores the help of others, she sinks deeper. That is until someone unexpected comes to help her through. New Moon AU.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi guys. If you are new to my stories, welcome. If you've read my stories before, welcome back :) My previous story ('A Different Beginning') was an alternate universe, and I really enjoyed doing that. So I'm here again, but this time with a New Moon AU. _

_What if Charlie had sent Bella for help? What if Bella found herself in an adolescent unit being treated for depression? Who will come to her aid? Well, that's what this story explores._

_The first chapter is shorter than the rest will be (I already have chapter two written) basically, just so I can set the scene. Updates for this story should be about once a week, athough what with exams coming up, they may be a little longer. But this is me, and if you know me from before, updating is an addiction (like writing) and I do it when I really should be doing other things. _

_Of course, I do not own Twilight; Stephenie Meyer does. _

_And finally, for this very long authors note which I apologise for, enjoy and don't forget to review :P_

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Charlie's fist came down on the table. "That's it, Bella! I'm sending you home."

Slowly, I lifted my head from the soggy cereal that was drowning in milk. His face was red, and pained, but I didn't quite understand his expression. My finger gripped the spoon harder, stirring.

"Home?" I croaked, my voice rough from its lack of use.

"Home, Bella. I'm sending you back to Renée, back to Jacksonville." His voice was bordering on clear, but I could see the amount of energy it took him to say it was crippling. As if he'd been planning it for a while… rehearsing it in his head, over and over. "Maybe a mother's touch will help."

"You don't want me anymore?" I asked, my tone dull, my throat hoarse. My eyebrows knitted together with hurt.

"Bella, I'll always want you," he exclaimed with a sigh, obviously not liking the turn in conversation. I wondered if this reaction was one he'd imagined. Had he written out practice scripts or something? "But you aren't _you_ anymore. It's like _he _took you with him," he whispered, sitting down in the chair opposite me.

"I am," I protested, flinching even at the way he insinuated who _he _was with such distaste. Charlie had realised some time ago not to mention him by name, but the mere name had my heart pining, the wound being ripped back open and the memories of abandonment come flooding back, even though they are always present in my pathetic human mind.

Charlie saw my reaction, and his eyes gave me an apologetic look as he looked at the wounds he couldn't possible heal. I guess he thought the only way forward was to continue talking to me about what I'd lost.

"You don't _do_ anything, honey. I just want you to be happy, to live and not be so miserable." Charlie sighed heavily, running his hand through his hair.

This was so unfair; I was trying, I really was. I went to school, I went to work. I got good grades, and I did the chores. I did everything I could. But it was just so hard…

"I'll try harder, Dad. I don't want to leave."

Charlie sighed and his eyes met mine. But I couldn't hold his gaze, and my eyes fluttered back to the gooey cereal, its flavour having diffused into the milk, the loops almost losing their shape.

"Bells," he began, but then paused. "Bella, I think you need help."

"I'm fine," I insisted, biting back the tears that threatened to fall.

"I can't let this go on, Bella. It's not just _you_ that you're destroying, it's me too! I have to watch you spiral further and further down. You're so lifeless!"

I sat still, watching him through cloudy eyes, but I was so defeated that I couldn't move. I was exhausted; sitting here, trying to smile, trying to _eat _was just so draining. When I said nothing, Charlie spoke.

"Bells, I spoke to Dr. Gerandy and, well, he recommended some places for you. If you really don't want to leave, there's a place in Seattle. It's like a clinic for teenagers who, erm, who," he stuttered and I glared at him with wide eyes, "who suffer from depression."

Depression? Was that what this thing was? This empty hole that I kept falling deeper into? Because it sure didn't feel like it depression, but rather abandonment, but then it couldn't be? I was angry and upset, but it was to be expected when you've been abandoned. That's what unworthy people get - I was being punished for my short period of happiness… with _him. _

"There are people who you can talk to about it, who can help. It's called an in-patient unit, I think," Charlie said, furrowing his eyebrows as he tried to remember.

"I don't want to," I muttered lowly like a child.

Standing up, I took my bowl to the sink, drained the milk, and scraped the soggy contents in the bin.

"I'll wash it later," I mumbled, placing the bowl and spoon in the sink and turning towards to door. "I have to go to school."

"I'm not letting this drop, Bella." Charlie sighed as I closed the door behind him, blocking out his incoherent mumblings and his worrisome expressions.

And he didn't.

The school day passed with the events of the day blending into one another, blurring in my mind, a routine I could do with my eyes closed. I'd been doing it for four months, each one passing with an agonising stab of pain and grief that I had to wade my way through.

Lessons passed quickly; I attempted to concentrate in classes. It gave me something to think about. Lunch time was difficult when I saw the empty gaping table where… _the Cullens _were supposed to sit. It taunted me, and I hated every moment.

I forced smiles at people I passed who stared at me with sneering looks, or concerned looks. I muttered my apologies to people I bumped into by accident when my mind froze over for a second, and thanked the lunch lady when I paid for the meal I wouldn't eat.

When I got home and pulled my truck onto the driveway, Charlie was waiting. As I stalled the engine, I saw his cruiser in the driveway. That never happened. I usually got plenty of alone time before Charlie got home, and I liked it that way. I could cry without an audience.

"What are you doing home?" I asked, a hint of curiosity breaking through the monotone that I'd spoken in for so long.

"I took the day off work. I've been researching clinic. I'll take you tomorrow. Don't worry; it's all taken care of, Bella. Dr. Gerandy has agreed to it," He explained, trying to make the words sound hopeful. If anything, they made that metaphorical hole deeper. My dad thought I belonged in a loony bin.

"You didn't have to take time off for me," I muttered quietly, looking at my feet that seemed to be glued to the floor, preventing me from running anywhere. I wouldn't have been able to run anyway; my energy level was zero because I hardly ate, and hardly slept…

"You're my daughter, Bells."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Charlie cut me off by holding his hand up, the desperation to get his point across evident in his eyes. So I stood, rigid in the doorway, school bag still in hand, my coat still on, listening to him.

"It'll be good, Bella. It'll help. I know you don't think so now, but things will get better… I promise." He paused for a moment, and that was enough silence for my thoughts to seep back in. Charlie didn't know anything. He promised, but what was he promising? A healed heart? That was impossible. "When your mom left, that was a pretty rough time for me. But I got better. I got through it and I want to help you do the same," he said. My eyes never left the floor.

I heard Charlie come towards me as his feet shuffled quickly across the floor. His feet made their way into my line of sight; he was standing parallel to me. Looking up, I saw his red face, and his hands grasped my shoulders, shaking slightly.

"I can't watch you like this anymore."

Carefully, I eyed Charlie up and down. He looked as exhausted as I felt; his eyebrows doubly creased as before, and his eyes sunken. I knew I'd caused it all, but I didn't care. I just couldn't care anymore. It hurt to care so much, it ached to feel; I just wanted to be numb.

"Fine. Take me," I whispered with my voice hardly audible.

I saw Charlie double back, wondering whether he'd heard me right. I wanted to tell him that no amount of therapy would heal this gaping hole, but it wouldn't do any good. He was so sure this would work; just because my life had come crashing down around me, all hope and happiness lost, it didn't mean I could do the same to him.

If I was admitted to this place, then I wouldn't have to pretend to smile, or pretend to be happy. I could sit, and simply be. I couldn't tell the truth either… that would definitely give me a no-return ticket to a padded cell.

"I have to go do homework." I mumbled the excuse, taking my school bag and pushing past him.

But I didn't do homework. I didn't even take my schoolbooks out of my bag. I threw it on the floor, and yanked off my shoes, scattering them on the mounding pile of clothes. It's not as if I wore many of them; I chucked the same old sweats on when I got home from school, and I didn't go anywhere else to wear anything different.

Climbing into bed, I pulled the covers over my head. Maybe I could force myself to sleep. Maybe I'd collapse simply out of exhaustion. The strain to appear normal was too much for me, the strain of pretending.

Before, I'd thought I was useless. I'd _known_ I was useless. But what hurt now was that Charlie did too. Everyone was slowly giving up hope; first _him _although he'd never really loved me in the first place, then me, because it wasn't worth it without _him, _and finally Charlie. And I was just going to go along with it.

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_So there it was, the first chapter to this story. Your comments, I would really appreciate, so please review :)_

_Oh, and incase you didn't notice, the first line was taken from NewMoon, so Stephenie Meyer owns; the rest was all mine though xD_

_Thank for reading! xx_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey, welcome back :) I'm pleased you all came back for more. This chapter is longer than the first, as promised, and it lets me explore a little more freely now I've introduced it. I hope you enjoy this chapter; I found it particularly fun to write, as I always do. Thanks for those of you who have reviewed as well, even though thats not many of you ;P_

_On with the story:_

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I woke up, kind of hoping that it was all a bad dream… _all of it._ Even now, the desperate optimism that I clung onto, praying that I'd awake with cold arms wrapped around me was crushing, because when I woke, and my bed was warm and empty, I had to suffer all over again. I had to remember it all over again.

That was when the tears came; my time alone, when no one could watch or listen to the heavy sobs that rattled my chest and sent shooting pains down my sides. Charlie heard sometimes; I knew he did. At night, when I couldn't sleep and my mind was vulnerable to memories, tears came. In the morning, I'd wake to the reality with the insomniac symptoms taking their toll,

There was a faint tap at the door, and I wiped my eyes quickly. My chest still heaved and stuttered as an aftermath of my tears.

Charlie entered, already dressed, with a solemn look on his face. My eyes darted to his hand; a large holdall was there. He held it like you'd hold a hot coal, burning and waiting to just drop it. He looked shameful, at himself or me, I didn't know. But he came in and perched himself on the end of my bed.

"Bells, you've gotta pack. We're leaving in an hour," he informed me. He thought I'd gone mad.

Resting the bag on my bed, he stood again, walking over to the curtains, drawing them; light burst into the room quickly, and my arm automatically rushed to shade my eyes from the sudden luminescence.

"Pack some pyjama's, clothes, underwear and stuff. I'll get your toiletries," he told me, hurrying out of the room as if there was a bad smell lingering under my bed.

_Pyjamas…, _I thought -I knew I'd be staying, but it hit me then that I wouldn't be sleeping in my own bed anymore. The bedcovers that _he _touched wouldn't be there, and I wouldn't be able to watch the window that _he _used to climb through, expecting him to suddenly appear and erase all the blackness that had shadowed my life since his departure.

Slowly but surely, just as he promised, it'd be like he never existed. I was being pulled away from the place he knew, and it ached so badly.

Being _here, _however, ached so badly, sitting in this room that was tinted with the hurtful memories and knowing that he'd been here… the absence. Maybe it was better to go, to leave. Or, at least, that was what I told myself as I forced myself out of the warm bed and onto the cold floor panels. I kept repeating it to myself as I threw my favourite pyjamas into the holdall, folded some jeans up, and putting in several tops and sweats in.

I packed, and then Charlie returned. My toiletry bag was in his hand, as was my toothbrush. Taking it from him, I placed it on top of my things and zipped it up.

"You said we had an hour," I stated, looking at Charlie.

"Well, you need to change," he pointed out, indicating that the clothes I'd slept in were the ones I'd worn to school yesterday. "But then I thought we could go out for breakfast or something."

His tone was apologetic and I could tell as he looked at me, full of sympathy and worry, that he wanted to do something special for me. Breakfast out was the best Charlie could do, but I appreciated it all the same.

"Sure, dad," I said, humouring him.

Selecting some clothes off the floor that I knew hadn't been worn, I took them to the bathroom. I avoided the mirror, knowing I'd look disgusting: my pale face, my bloodshot eyes, my skinny figure. Instead, I just splashed cold water against my face, enjoying the comforting cool that felt so familiar. Once, I'd hated cold. But now, I revelled in it. I felt at home in the cold.

I changed into my clothes without really washing; Charlie had packed my toiletries, and I could shower later. Hospitals had these kinds of facilities.

As I exited the bathroom, Charlie was waiting for me on my bed, tapping his leg either awkwardly or impatiently. I noticed that he'd hung some of the clothes up, turning Mt. Everest into Mt. Olympus, and he'd made the bed. It looked a bit tidier, a little less cluttered, but not by much. It wasn't as if I'd be spending much time in there anymore. I was finally leaving the suffocating walls that held me in.

"What about a book, or some CD's?" He suggested, glancing - as quick as lightening - at the pile of forgotten CD cases, and discarded old books - but I shook my head. Sighing heavily with the weight of so much trauma and regret on his shoulders, he stood reluctantly and lifted my bag before I had the chance. "Ready, kid?"

I nodded my head, looking around at the purple walls and bedcovers, and the old computer in the corner. It was amazing how quickly this place had become home, how I no longer craved the heat of Phoenix or the comforts of my mother. I knew, even then when _his _name was never mentioned, that he'd been a part of this comfortable ease, taking the focus off being homesick.

As I walked downstairs, my body posture limp with defeat, I silently said goodbye to my home; I didn't know when I'd be back.

"What do you want to eat, Bells?" Charlie asked, holding the menu in front of his face, but I could see his dark eyes flicker to me at every sound I made.

The lists of foods made me feel queasy: the greasy pancakes, or omelettes, or bacon and eggs. This was Charlie's kind of place, for sure, even though I'd never been here. It was a diner, the midpoint between Forks and Seattle. The journey had been completely silent, apart from Charlie's occasional muttering about speed limits and numerous careless drivers.

"Just toast," I said, folding my menu down. "And orange juice."

Charlie shot me a sad smile, and called the waitress over, ordering our food as I sat and stared at the swirled patterns of the curtains that tried to brighten up this dull place, the awful dated orange spirals that stood out against the lime green, a terrible mixture of colours.

"What you thinking about, Bells?" he asked.

I looked up, shocked; it had been a long time since he'd been so forward about this. I shrugged swiftly, not knowing what to say. My mind was blank, and I couldn't tell him that.

"They're gonna ask you stuff like that, you know?" he said, his voice gruff as his awkwardness shone through. It amazed me how well Charlie was doing… he wasn't usually good at coping with stuff like this, but he managed. He plodded along with me, offering his help.

"I know," I muttered.

"And what are you gonna tell 'em?"

I shrugged.

Charlie coughed nervously, discouraged by my lack of response. Then he started playing with his knife and fork like an immature child, making an annoying tap and clatter every time they hit the table.

"Can we go home?" I asked quietly, looking at the paper napkin in my lap. I felt Charlie's eyes bore into my head as I asked, and the pain radiated off him; I suddenly regretted asking.

"No, Bella," he said firmly, and I sighed.

I wanted to go home. Home would be better. Yesterday, I was deluded. I'd been manipulated by Charlie's persistence, his defeated posture and the idea that I could be left alone. But Charlie was right; they'd pry and probe, digging deeper, making me tell them things I simply couldn't.

When the toast came, I nibbled at the corner, and drank my juice. I ate half a slice before pushing the plate away with a small quick motion. Charlie continued digging into his bacon, sausage and eggs, as if things were normal.

Then he paid the bill, thanking the waitress and we returned to the car. I stared out the window as the silence encircled us once more, as awkward as ever as he drove me to the place I didn't want to be.

As the cruiser pulled into the parking lot and I saw the hospital, I felt my heart sink. Sighing, I begrudgingly got out of the car, although Charlie got my bag and directed me inside.

"Dr. Gerandy said he'd be here to help smooth things along," Charlie mumbled, looking around hoping to spot the old man who'd examined me when I'd been found.

"Chief Swan!"

Both Charlie and I turned around at the name to see the grey-haired man hurry forward, long strides until he reached us. I knew he wasn't a doctor here, but I was assuming he had some connections here at Seattle. I wished I could have stayed at Forks.

"Thanks, Doctor," Charlie said a genuine smile on his face.

Dr. Gerandy eyed me up and down for several moments before looking at me sympathetically. I didn't know what I looked like: scrawny and pathetic, maybe, but his stare made me shrink beneath him as his eyes buried me with a deep weight.

"Okay, Bella," he said, his tone gruff but oddly patronising, "I've spoken to the hospital staff here, and it's all sorted for you. You and your father will need to fill out some simple questions, details and such, and then you'll be seeing a psychiatrist for your assessment." He explained, and I cowered under his authority.

"Assessment for what?" I asked quietly.

"To talk to you, about your feelings and medication and such," he began again, "Now, because I've already been monitoring you, I've filled them in on things so far." His eyes wandered to the bag in Charlie's hand and he gave a short nod that told me a lot; they'd been talking to me behind my back, this had been planned for a long time now.

"Shall we do the details?" Charlie asked after a moment's silence. He handed me my bag, and Dr. Gerandy indicated for me to take a seat as they walked over to reception.

I walked over and sat down impatiently, looking around at the people walking in and out. From a distance, I watched them chatting quietly, talking to someone behind the desk as she scribbled down details, talking about me.

Then Dr. Gerandy came back over, papers in his hand. For someone who didn't work here, he seemed particularly comfortable. He told me to stand, and I followed him through some doors, around a corridor until I came to a room with 'Dr. Geller' engraved onto a golden plaque.

Dr. Gerandy knocked on the door lightly, and I was surprised to see a red haired female open the door, her cheeks flushed but her blue eyes wide, bright and welcoming.

"Hello, you must be Isabella," she smiled kindly, opening her door wider giving me space to enter.

"Bella," I corrected out of habit.

"I'll be outside, Bells." Charlie took my bag from me and watched me enter before I heard his footsteps echo back down the corridor.

"Hello, Bella, I'm Bethany Geller, and I'm just here to talk to you about general things about your stay here. Can I get you anything? A drink or something to eat, perhaps?" She moved back to her desk, offering a chair to me.

Shaking my head, I sat awkwardly, looking around. The room was lit warmly, the lights dim but bright enough. The shades of the walls were a deep red, and the cosiness of the room wanted me to curl up on the sofa in the far corner and fall asleep.

"Okay, well, basically it's my job to try and help you. I want to make you feel better, and to do that, I need to talk to you about different kinds of treatment or medication that might help." She paused, looking at me warmly as she took a pen out. "Now, I've got to write some notes down, but please don't worry. If you want to look at them at any time, please just ask."

I nodded my head, and she wrote what looked like my name on the top of the page.

"How are you feeling today, Bella?" Dr. Geller asked, putting her hands together and resting them on the desk, her pen between her fingers still.

"Okay," I lied. "I'm tired."

She bobbed her head for a few moments.

"And why are you tired, Bella? Do you have trouble sleeping?"

"Yes. I can't get to sleep at night, and when I do, I wake up early." I sighed. If only I could sleep, I'd be able to live in a fantasy world. But even my dreams were starting to haunt me, the words of _him _echoing as I slept, _his _face always there.

"Okay, maybe that's something I could help with," She said, noting something down on paper. "Now, Dr. Gerandy informed me that you've recently broken up with your boyfriend." I flinched, something she didn't ignore. "Can you tell me any more about that?"

I shook my head violently, biting my lip hard to retain the scolding pain that rippled through me.

"That's fine. That's okay, don't worry, Bella," she soothed, her face perfectly calm. I bet she dealt with deluded people like me all the time, people who deluded themselves by thinking they could be loved. "What do you like to do, Bella? Listen to music, reading, or drawing?"

Again, I shook my head. Everything was a reminder, everything was constantly reminding me what I'd lost, what I'd never have again.

"My reason for asking, Bella, is because sometimes there are different kinds of therapy: music therapy, or art therapy where people can express their emotions through their hobbies." She scribbled something else on paper, as I mumbled how I didn't listen to music anymore.

"I think that's enough for me now, Bella. I think that a therapist would most certainly help you. Also, Bella, I'm suggesting that I give you something to help you sleep, hoping that will boost your energy."

"Okay," I mumbled, "I am really tired."

"I know, honey. Okay, so what happens now, Bella, is that you'll have a physical examination which is basically just to have a look to see if there's anything physical that could be affecting your health. Then you'll be shown to your room in the adolescent unit, and given a nurse who will help you settle in. Do you have any questions for me?"

"No, thanks," I said, clearing my throat.

"It's been lovely talking to you, Bella," Dr. Geller said warmly, her smile touching her eyes. "I'll show you where to go to next," she said, directing me down the corridor to find Charlie, waiting.

He joined the parade and we followed her around until we found another doctor's room; this time, it was a bright clinically furnished room, with a small medical table and cabinets.

As he asked me questions about my health, I answered as best I could, although the questions didn't go in. Charlie sat outside again, on my request, as I was asked things like my eating habits, past injections, injuries, and any medical family history.

My wrists were checked subtly, as was the rest of my body for bruises, scratches, burns or other marks. Bruises were normal, and my records must have shown my amount of broken bones and hospital visits. I wondered whether he thought I'd been abused.

There was a brief question about whether I was sexually active or not, which I quickly dismissed with a firm 'no'.

And after that, I was taken to my room, private thanks to Dr. Gerandy.

My nurses name was Heather; she was tall, blonde, with a crooked nose and a pointed chin. She spoke calmly and quietly, as she showed me the room, attempts of colour splashed on the wall with blue curtains and a book shelf. They must have come to the conclusion that I was safe to myself.

"Is there anything I can get for you?" She asked her voice quiet low as she spoke. Her little white dress came to the knees, and she wore white tennis shoes, a name tag attached to her left breast.

"No, thanks," I dismissed, and she left me with a smile, leaving Charlie and I alone.

The silence rippled through, and I tried to shake off the feeling of insignificance and his eyes that bore into me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sitting in the small chair beside the bed.

"Yeah," I said, just so he could have an answer. "You might as well go, Dad. It's gonna get boring here, and you need to work."

"I'm staying, Bells," he said firmly, and I rolled my eyes as he sighed heavily at my insistence. He lifted his feet up on my bed, tugging at the thin blankets on there. Everything was clean… but it was all _too _clean.

"Whatever, Dad," I said half-heartedly, as I curled up on the bed. My bag lay forgotten on the floor. Charlie held a rustling newspaper in his hand, and the midday light shone through the windows. It was going to be a very long day.

What amazed me most was the effectiveness of the sleeping tablets that I was given about an hour after my afternoon meal, giving me enough time to shower and change into my pyjamas.

And then I woke. The tablets seemed great; they'd gotten me off to sleep easily enough, no tears, no anxiety. But then I'd woken, screaming for _him _to come back to me, the image of the forest returning as I run to my eternal love. But he'd gone, and I'd screamed, waking both Charlie and myself up.

The nurses were inside in an instant; Heather from the night before was amongst the three that rushed to my side. But I gave them nothing more to worry about; it had happened before, this was a normal part of life for me now.

"Are you okay, Bella?" one asked, her black shoulder length hair framing her face.

"Yeah," I mumbled, "Bad dream." I forced a yawn, one they seemed to buy, and they left. But that didn't mean Charlie left. Somehow, he was still here, fully clothed in the same chair.

"Sure you're okay, kid?" he asked, a mixture of fatigue and worry dripping from his tongue.

I nodded my head, and wiped a bead of sweat from my forehead, breathing heavily as I came down from my shock. Turning over, I switched the light off, flicking the room into darkness.

I heard Charlie sigh, but I ignored it as I rolled over, covering my head with the itchy covers and trying to go back to the world where, although leaving, _he _was still present.

* * *

_I feel sorry a bit for Bella; she was originally okay to go along with it, but she'd regretting it more now._

_Sorry if any facts aren't quite right. I've never had any experience with this kind of thing and there's only so much that the internet can tell you :)_

_Oh, and remember, reviews are my birthday present XD_


	3. Chapter 3

_I basically just want to thank those of you that have reviewed and added this story to favourites :) Please keep it up because it really does encourage me to continue writing this!_

_This chapter was quite hard to get to you; I had to put some time aside from my revision to make sure you got this, but I needed a break from all that crap anyway :P I hope you enjoy it, as we go deeper into this story. And there may be some surprises in the upcoming chapters, but please bare with me. I have some ideas that I want to carry through, and maybe its a good idea to keep in mind that I am not a Bella and Jacob fan. I am not. Okay? ;)_

_Enjoy:_

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When I woke, I listened to the sound of life on the unit and Charlie grunting as he woke. The light blared through the curtains, making shapes upon my face and I groaned as I rolled onto my back. I hadn't dreamed since I'd fallen back to sleep. I couldn't decide whether that was a good or bad thing. Were the memories slowly slipping - was I losing _him _already?

"Morning, Bells," Charlie mumbled beside me, and I turned to watch him stretch his arms, releasing his muscles from the uncomfortable position they'd spent the night in.

"You can go home, dad. You can't stay here till I get out," I said quietly, tracing the lump of my leg under the covers with my finger so I didn't have to look at him. "You're the Chief; you can't just abandon Forks."

"You're my daughter. I can't just abandon you," he protested. He leaned forward to get closer to me, trying to meet my eyes, but I turned away.

"I'm used to it," I whispered, and Charlie remained silent, shocked; this was one of the first times I'd brought _him _up. "Besides, you can visit."

Standing up, I grabbed my toiletry bag and some clothes, dragging myself to the small shower-room in the corner of the unit. I washed thoroughly, showering away the night's dirt, grime, and stale sweat that had crept into my hair from my nightmare. I relaxed my muscles as much as they could when I was constantly on guard and aware.

I brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and combed through my hair quickly. By the time I'd exited, my breakfast was waiting in my room with a nurse standing there talking to Charlie.

"Hey, hon. My name's Claudia, and I'm your other nurse. Heather and I work in pairs, okay?" she said with a rather large over-friendly smile. I nodded, intimidated. "Your breakfast's here. You need to eat up, and I've just had a call saying you've got an appointment with Dr. Geller."

"I saw her yesterday," I pointed out like some kind of dumb-ass, but Claudia nodded and excused herself from the room.

"What was she saying?" I asked when she'd left.

"Just telling me about your medication. They're changing your sleeping pills to something that will stop your nightmares," he said cautiously, watching my reaction. "And after today, they're gonna see if you need anti-depressants."

Ignoring Charlie's gaze, I moved over to my bed and pulled the table around so my toast was in front of me. The icky smell of the strong melting butter made my stomach double over with queasiness, so I took a single bite of the lightly toasted bread and then downed it with a glass of orange juice.

"You need to eat more," Charlie said, but I didn't reply. I know I should have, but everything was such an effort. I could feel the food moving through me, being deposited in my stomach; it felt so weird to feel something in there when I felt so empty. The contrast was uncomfortable.

"Are you going home today?"

"I think so, Bells. Just to see how things are."

"You don't have to stay here. Stay at home. I'm fine."

Charlie sighed again, and I was getting fed up of hearing the same sound leave his mouth over and over. He worried, I know, but he was so useless. He tried, but even so… I was so used to Charlie; he doesn't hover, doesn't try to make conversation. Until now.

Claudia chose that moment to come bustling in again, our only warning a light tap on the door a second before entry.

"Is that all you're eating?" she exclaimed, her eyebrows raised as she saw my slices of toast. "Eat up."

"I'm not hungry," I muttered, forcing a smile and making a point of pushing my plate further away from me, the plastic plate scraping against the table.

"Hmm," she thought over, "Okay then, Bella. Your session with Dr. Geller isn't in her office today; it's in the therapy room just across the ward. Are you ready?" she asked kindly, looking at the clipboard on the end of the bed briefly.

Nodding, I stood. But just before I was about to leave the room, I told Claudia I'd be a moment. She politely waited outside the door for me.

"Dad, go home," I whispered, walking over to him and looking him in the eyes. It had been a long time since I'd done that, and the horrors that were given away were tormenting. I saw myself through Charlie's eyes: the fragile little girl that was eroding piece by piece. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

I leaned in to hug him, and his giant arms wrapped around me strongly.

"I'll give you a ring, kid, tonight. And I'll come back again tomorrow, or Monday." His voice was wet.

"Sure," I pulled back, trying to smile as he tried to hold onto me. He gave in, and let go, in multiple senses.

"Talk to you later, Bells."

I walked out of the room to a waiting Claudia who gave me an encouraging smile.

"Tough, huh?" she asked rhetorically, so I didn't answer. "It gets better, trust me. I've been here a while."

"Hmm."

Looking around the ward, I saw several more people, mainly females, walking around. Some were in pairs, some were alone, and the age ranges varied. One girl looked ridiculously thin, and my heart went to her. She looked really ill.

"These are the therapy rooms; these are for individual therapy," she informed, pointing to the doors numbered 1 and 2. "This is for family therapy." She pointed to a third door, labelled with a giant 3. "And those two are for group therapy," she finished with the final two doors, with a giant 4 and 5. "Oh, and that one on the end is where you'll do your studies."

I nodded, just before she directed me over to the first door and gently tapped. Opening the door, I saw a dimly lit room painted purple with white sofas, coloured beanbags and many book shelves. In the corner was a whiteboard, but it was empty except for the faint mark where someone had rubbed out whatever had been written on it previously.

"Hello, Bella!" Dr. Geller greeted, moving over to me.

"I'll see you later, Bella," Claudia dismissed, closing the door behind her as she left with a quiet click.

"Hi," I mumbled quietly, following Dr. Geller over to the beanbags where she sat. I followed suit, sitting on a blue one, bringing my knees to my chest as the small polyester balls rustled inside.

"How are you feeling today, Bella?" she asked, seeming genuinely interested.

"Okay. Tired." I realised it was the same answer I'd given yesterday too. I noticed the room smelled strongly of strawberry bubble gum, and that sickly feeling returned.

"Yes." Dr. Geller smiled sympathetically. "I heard you had a pretty rough night."

I looked to the ceiling where the dim lights were hanging from; it was the kind where you could control the brightness on a dial over by the door, and I realised that Dr. Geller had tried to create some kind of... mood. At least the lights weren't blinding, the kind that if you stared too long, you saw little splodges of colour every time you blinked.

"I'm used to it."

"You are?" she sounded surprised as she noted a little something on a notepad that was in her hand. "Do you have nightmares often, Bella?"

"I guess so," I answered reluctantly, not really wanting to tell her that they came at least once every night. But I couldn't lie. Nightmares were normal, surely, even if they didn't include… vampire boyfriends.

"What are your nightmares of, Bella?" Dr. Geller leaned forwards, and although she was sitting quite a way away from me, the sudden change in closeness made me uneasy.

"Erm…" I stuttered. "Th.. I.."

"It's okay, Bella. Calm down; don't worry, honey. It's all about taking your time."

"A forest. I'm running through a forest," I told her rapidly; scared that I'd back out if I hesitated.

Dr. Geller's head bobbed several times as she mulled over this information, trying to decipher a secret code. After scribbling something down, she looked back up at me, cocking her head to the side a fraction.

"Why are you running through a forest, Bella?"

Her voice sounded so kind and trusting; I knew that it was a way to get me to speak, but I knew I couldn't tell her. I wouldn't give this secret up even if my life depended on it. Holding on, I felt my hands wrap tightly around the secret; I wouldn't let it go.

"I've lost something."

"What is it?"

"I…I don't know."

The lie rippled from my chest easier than I thought. Normally a complete failure at lying, I thought maybe I'd pulled it off as Dr. Geller noted something else down and smiling at me encouragingly.

"You're doing great, Bella. I'm really impressed. Now what I want to discuss with you is medication."

"Okay," I agreed in a whisper, my throat weak.

"Now, from what I've noticed, you are suffering from depression. A relative depression from what I can gather. The medical reports show a decrease in your health since your boyfriend left you. Do you think it's fair for me to say that?" she asked, surprising me by asking for my input.

Flinching, I nodded feebly, biting my lip to hold in the wave of sadness that threatened to overcome me.

"So what do you think to some anti-depressants, Bella? They may help you make progress here a little quicker than without. I noticed that you said you didn't read or listen to music anymore, which is a shame, so maybe we could help you to start enjoying them again. Would you like that?"

The memories would be too painful. The lyrics of songs teased me about my failed relationship, and the romances in the books reminded me of what I'd lost. It was all too much!

"No, no thank you," I said hurriedly, shaking my head, a tear slipping from my eye.

"Okay, that's fine. All in good time, Bella. There's no rush."

She scribbled something else down, and I blinked back more tears.

"There's something else I'd like to discuss with you, Bella, but if you're a little worn out we can do it tomorrow?" she suggested. The kindness penetrated my barrier, and I shook my head in defeat, agreeing to whatever she wanted with a sigh.

"I'd like you to draw something for me, Bella. You don't have to do it now, but maybe take it away with you and bring it to tomorrow's session, okay?" Her blue eyes widened, drawing me in.

"I can't draw," I excused, wishing I'd never agreed.

"It doesn't matter; I'm not going to grade you or anything. I'd just like you to draw what you see in the mirror, please, if that's okay?"

"Why?"

Dr. Geller smiled at me, her white teeth shining. "I think it'd be a good exercise for you. It's about self-image and how you see yourself. Can you do that?"

"I guess so."

"Thank you, Bella. Now, that's it for today. We're going to have some short sessions to start off with. Also, Bella, please don't think you have to be confined to your room. There are lots of other patients on the unit, and I'm sure you'll get on well with them."

I doubted that very much. Friends weren't exactly my thing; I neglected them all for _him._

"I'll try."

"I'll see you tomorrow then, Bella, okay? And if you need to talk at any other time, I'll always make time."

Her genuinely kind comment made my eyes water again. Forcing a smile at her, I stood up and made my way to the door.

I ignored the other patients, the nurses, the strong smell of disinfectant, and the strange lighting. As I rushed back into my room, I drew the curtains and climbed back into bed.

I wasn't ready yet. I just wasn't ready to move on.

By the time I came back around, the afternoon light was dimly evident through the curtains as I roused upwards, leaning on my elbows. I wasn't tired, and it amazed me that I'd slept at all. Maybe exhaustion had taken over… maybe the violent shaking of my body as I sobbed myself to sleep finally took its toll.

I blinked quickly, rubbing my eyes with a heavy sigh. I wondered why I'd been left to my own accord, wondering where my nurses were.

I stood and looked down at my body. My jeans hung to my sweaty skin, and my t-shirt was twisted as I'd obviously tossed and turned through my fitful sleep. But I hadn't woken up through it all, which was definitely a first.

There was a small knock at the door, and I mumbled my agreement for whoever it was to enter.

"Oh, good." It was Heather. "I'm pleased you're awake. There's someone on the phone for you; she sounds like a lovely girl and says she's your friend."

I nodded impatiently, wondering why she had to describe whoever it was instead of giving a name. If it was Jessica just wanting gossip, I wouldn't accept it, or from Lauren either. Their bitterness and taunts were something I didn't need. It was another reason why being in this hell-hole was worth it, because for every moment I was away from them, life was that tiniest bit easier.

"Her name is Angela, Angela Weber?"

"Oh."

I was pleasantly surprised, as I told her to put the call through to me. It was part of the hospital policy, to double check calls before putting them though. I guess it was for safety, although I didn't know why Angela hadn't just rung my cell phone.

"Hello?" I said, holding the cheap plastic phone to my ear.

"Hey, Bella, it's Angela."

"Hi," I mumbled, losing the urge to talk. What should I say?

"I was just wondering how you were."

"How did you know I was in here?"

"Oh, erm, well, my father told me. I'm not sure how he knew though. I can go, if you like."

"No, it's fine."

There was a moment's silence and I listened to Angela breathing; I could almost hear her open and close her mouth several times before thinking better of it. I opened my mouth to say something, excuse myself from the conversation, lie that it's dinnertime or something, w,, hen she spoke.

"Did you want me to come up? We could do something. I can imagine how lonely you must be," she asked kindly, stunning me into speechlessness.

"Oh, erm," I stuttered. "Maybe another time," I excused, thinking that having to do something was physically draining. What would we do? Sit and talk? That's what Dr. Geller is for. Go to the cinema to watch some poorly acted lovesick romance? The empty hole in my chest was enough to remind me of what I'd lost.

"Okay, Bella," she agreed, as if she'd been expecting that answer. "I'll call again sometime, if that's okay. And you can always call me," she offered kindly.

"Thanks, Angela. I have to go, bye," I said quickly, hanging up the phone swiftly so I didn't have to listen to her kind-heartedness that brought tears to my eyes.

As I placed the phone back on its holder, I glanced around the room analytically.

There's too much forced brightness in here, as if the simple colours on the walls could help someone smile or brush away their inner haunting demons but the lack of things was calming; it's simple, basic, empty… and it's comforting. My things remained unpacked in my bag, and I made no effort to change that.

But something Dr. Geller said earlier sparked in my mind as I walked over to the door and opened it slightly, peering out of the hairline crack I had made. I didn't have to sit in my room.

I took a single step out and forced myself to keep walking around the unit. It was the therapy rooms that interested me, but when I got there, I noticed an extra room: a visiting room. I grimaced at the thought of having to sit and talk to someone who wanted to see me, although the list was few.

After about three minutes of glaring, possessed, at the sign on the door, I rapidly spun around and returned back to my room.

Dinner came, and I played with the stems of mass produced broccoli with my fork, eating a drowning potato that I'd rescued from the water-thin gravy. And that was it. Like breakfast and the lunch I was forced to attempt to eat after my middle of the day nap, I pushed the plate away.

It amazed me that I could relate to a potato drowning. All around me there were people trying to help, but I didn't really want it. They wanted to erase the hole in my heart, but that was the only thing that made _him_ real. Without that pain, _he _could have been a figment of my imagination. Because no matter how hard I tried, the scent of him and the curvature of his lips were slipping away bit by bit. The hole in my heart was all I had left; and with that thought, I fell into another fitful sleep.

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_As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. You have no idea how much I appreciate them!_

_Please review._

_Thanks for reading :) _


	4. Chapter 4

_I thought I'd post this for you guys in between my endless revision! I had a really good response to the last chapter, so please keep it up! This time is pretty stressful for me (and I know A levels are so much worse!) but writing this really gives me a break from that and I can enjoy the time that I write. So yeah, review, basically :) They're so good to read!_

_I hope you enjoy this chapter xxx_

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"Bella, honey," the voice cooed as it gently shook me awake. My hands shot to cover my eyes as I opened them, overwhelmed by the brightness of the room. The curtains were open and the sun shone through strongly, which was quite a shock considering we were still in Seattle. "It's eleven o'clock. You need to wake up."

That surprised me more. Eleven o'clock? I'd slept way longer than I thought, despite the fact I'd woken in the night shaking, albeit silently. Eleven o'clock was the longest I'd slept in until for ages... longer than I could remember!

"Eleven?" I asked hoarsely, my voice evidence to my quiet night.

The fact that I was speaking less and less was clear, and the sound of my words shocked me a little. At home, Charlie was there to make small talk with; although that was infrequent, we still did. And the school day encouraged me to speak, whether it be ordering my food from the cafeteria or making up excuses for why I couldn't go out with my friends over the weekend. My life seemed to be pretty silent now.

"Yes, honey. Now, I'm going to bring you some breakfast, and then Dr. Geller wants to see you straight after. You slept over your original appointment," she smiled kindly, standing up and straightening her name tag.

"Oh."

"Don't worry. She was just pleased you're sleeping, but there is a line to draw," Heather chuckled to herself, scuttling out of the room humming an unfamiliar song.

Groaning, I pulled myself up and off the bed with the greatest effort, my mouth dry, wincing at the coldness of the floor on my bare feet. My pyjamas wrapped around me, but I quickly substituted them for the same jeans I wore yesterday although I chose a different shirt; I would shower later.

When Heather returned to me dress and brushing my hair, she smiled kindly as she handed me a plate of toast with strawberry jam. But the food _still _didn't appeal to me, although my stomach grumbled hungrily.

"See, it'll do you good to eat something, honey." Heather smiled again, mistaking my stomach's growl for the need of food; I didn't need food… I needed _him_. But I took a bite of toast for the sake of Heather, who watched me with curious, wide eyes as I tackled the unappetizingly sweet taste in my mouth. Chewing was a mechanical response, as was swallowing. Two bites later, I was done.

"Hmm, okay," she agreed reluctantly, eyeing the slice of toast that had gone untouched. With great hesitance, she took the plate in her hands. "It's time to see Dr. Geller, honey. She's waiting in room one like yesterday."

She left, leaving me alone for a moment before I forced myself out of the small room and down the length of the unit to room one. I ignored the others on the ward, keeping my eyes on the pattern of the tiles to try and block out their stares. It wasn't as if they were perfect; they were here for some reason too.

I knocked gingerly and Dr. Geller appeared at the door seconds later.

"Hello, Bella," she said, that genuine smile creeping back into her features.

"Hi," I mumbled, creeping into the room and returning to the beanbag I sat in yesterday.

"A good night's sleep, I hear." Dr. Geller grinned, sitting in her own beanbag and crossing her ankles over with her legs outstretched.

"Yeah, sorry about missing earlier."

"No, don't worry, Bella. It's good that you're sleeping. The drugs are evidently working for you, which is great news."

I bit my lip and shuffled in my seat, making the insides of the chair rustle like a bag of pasta. Sleep didn't really class as sleep unless it was undisturbed, right? But how come I wanted the nightmares still? How come I wanted to relive the pain every night, just so I could see _him _again?

"Did you get around to drawing the self portrait, Bella?"

"Crap, no," I muttered, which made a giggle ripple from Dr. Geller's mouth, something she hastily tried to disguise with a cough.

"That's fine. There's no hurry," she assured me.

"I could do it now?" I suggested, thinking that it might be easier than talking today. I was still tired… and talking used up so much energy.

Dr. Geller seemed eager, nodding encouragingly as she got up slowly to hand me a piece of paper and a pencil with which I could draw. She handed me a clipboard from one of the drawers in the room, and I leant on my knee as I drew.

I'd never been a drawer; it was as if my hand rejected the pencil in my hand like a failing kidney. It didn't belong there, so why force it to be? But I drew, although it was complete trash. My face was long and thin, and my hair quite messy in my drawing. My eyes didn't look like eyes, and my mouth was too high up. My figure was pretty accurate, though small. I took my time, delaying the process, but I finished it, and handed it to Dr. Geller all the same as she critically looked it over.

"That's interesting, Bella."

"It is?"

"It is," she agreed. "May I ask what this is? Do you have a birthmark on your arm?"

She turned the picture around to me, and I screwed my face up as I looked at my drawing. It was awful; I could see similarities, but not many at all. Maybe just the same head shape... But Dr. Geller was pointing to a small shaded area on my arm.

"No, it's a bruise."

Dr. Geller's face expression didn't alter, but her tone did as she asked me with great caution:

"Why did you draw a bruise?"

"Erm," I paused for a moment, "'cause I'm clumsy, I guess."

Dr. Geller brought her lips in a little, pursing them as she scribbled her second note of the session. I noticed her glimpse at the rest of her papers before looking back up at me, a sense of sadness in her eyes which she tried to hide.

"Bella, I'd like to talk to you about something."

_Obviously, _I thought; otherwise I wouldn't be here. I watched as Dr. Geller leaned forward slightly, brushing a long strand of red hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. I hated how she leaned forward when she got all serious.

"It's about your ex-boyfriend, Bella, if that's okay?"

I froze, and said nothing. My body went rigid, the ability to talk slipping away and I forced myself to breathe deeply, pushing out the aches and pains as my diaphragm contracted.

"Did he ever hit you, Bella?" she asked quietly.

There was a sudden twist in my stomach, so sharp it took my breath. I gulped back the bile that rose in my throat. My mind went into overdrive, as did my heart, pounding viciously against my rib cage, trying to break free from the confines.

"What?" I gasped, physically recoiling as if _she _had hit me.

"Did your ex-boyfriend ever abuse you?" she repeated, her voice dripping with sympathy.

My body snapped as I stood up rapidly and my breathing turned ragged. I swallowed back the venom that threatened to spill out of my mouth if I spoke, and I began pacing around the beanbag with small but quick steps. With my fists clenched, my bitten nails dug into my palms, engraving little dents.

"Bella?"

"No!" I practically screamed. "He would never! How could you even _ask_ that? He would _never_ touch me like that; he was the kindest, most loving and caring person I've ever met! Wha-? H-Ho-? I can't believe you'd say that!" I cried, flinging my arms out, tears crashing around me as I tried to clear his name. I panted, frustrated as I clamped my eyes shut to stench the tears.

"It's oka-"

"But it's not okay! You keep telling me it is, when it isn't! He lov-"

Instantly, I stopped shouting. I realised what I was saying… that realisation… that sharp understanding that choked me into speechlessness and held me there for several seconds. Frozen. Every tiny hair on my body rose in shock and confusion. I ached with a new torment.

He didn't love me. He never had.

It was all a lie… and I was defending him.

But he'd never hit me. No matter what he'd said, no matter how he'd lied to me about his feelings, he had never hit me, although the blow would have been easier. The physical pain would have been better than the crumbling and confusion of these emotions that eroded away at me.

"Bella?" Dr. Geller whispered, and I turned around slowly to see her standing there, a concerned expression plastered across her face as she reached out tentatively to touch my shoulder.

I wiped my burning wet cheeks with a swipe of my hand.

"Would you like me to get you anything?"

Shaking my head, I looked her dead in the eye. She didn't believe me, I could see that.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

Again, I shook my head, more violently this time. What could I say? What could I explain? If I started talking, I was scared I'd never stop. And even if he didn't love me, he trusted me with his secret. I could give him that, at least. If not for him, then for me; a padded cell did not seem like a good idea.

"Can I go?" I muttered.

She smiled sadly, and nodded her head. And with that, I left the room with such haste, I could have been a vampire myself.

When I'd firmly enclosed myself in my room, I let the tears fall. They'd accused _him _of being an abuser, when he wouldn't hurt a fly. Just the very thought of them labelling him with the word he so often wanted to call himself was completely false and unsettling…

And so I cried. I cried until there were no more tears, just heavy reckless sobs that shook my body with a force that had the possibility to break a bone.

I couldn't see past my own eyelashes for the blurry screen that my tears created; a translucent panel to shield me from the brutal world of fear and rejection. And the scent of the mass washed sheets - so unfamiliar and industrialised - felt impersonal.

Time passed. It did, even though I was cocooned in the small little hole that was my duvet, wrapped so tightly to hold myself together, my bedcovers the cello tape.

My breaths were ragged and hoarse, gasping every so often when a heavy sob lasted longer than my lungs could cope for, coming out shaking and rattled; a sound that scared me. It was this emptiness that scared me… the feeling of not being whole. But how long would it take to heal, even if not completely? Being complete, without him, was impossible.

After however much time had passed, there was a knock at the door.

It was Heather, informing me that Renée was calling for me, having been told the news by Charlie that I was hospitalised for my… depression. After repeating over and over, relaying imaginary details about another girl on the ward who was friendly, and the downright lie that therapy was helping, Renée finally hung up, promising to call again.

But then ten minutes later, Charlie rang. I muttered similar things to him too, although I recognised by his grunts of agreement that he didn't really believe me. He was much less gullible than Renée - either that, or he knew how damaged I was after watching me suffer for so long.

Neither conversations lasted long - about ten minutes at most - before I made quick excuses and hung up the phone in a similar pattern to before, returning to my safe haven that was my room, to rub my eyes and stare at the patterns of the ceiling, simply remembering. By living in the past, I could live in happiness, and in my dream world.

It was sometime in the day that there was a tap at the door as it lightly swung open. My eyes spotted the short red hair and the concerned eyes, and I immediately spun around so I couldn't see Dr. Geller's sympathetic face.

"Bella?"

I didn't turn around. She'd annoyed me, infuriated me. She'd made me relive parts of the horror that I didn't want to; I'd tried to defend him by saying he… loved me. But he didn't. He never had.

"You don't have to talk to me, but can I speak to you for a few moments?" she asked, that nice tone of hers creeping out again, almost demanding me to agree with her.

I shrugged and she continued, edging further into the room.

"I'm sorry if I said anything out of order earlier," she paused. "I just really want to help you, Bella, and it'd help me if you talked to me."

"He never touched me like that," I said, almost snarling the words when a small silence came between us.

"Okay, Bella. That's fine. That's a start; maybe we could talk about something else," she suggested as I remained quiet, still facing the wall rather than her face that made me want to tell her everything. "Like your favourite foods or something?"

"I don't have one."

"Everyone has a favourite food."

"Not anymore."

"Mine is strawberry pop tarts."

I didn't say anything.

"Maybe I could get us some for our next session?"

"I'm not hungry."

"What, ever?"

"No."

There was another silence. Slowly, very slowly, I turned around to face her. Dr. Geller's hair had changed since this morning; it was hanging around her shoulders now rather than in a neat ponytail as she'd had it earlier. And her eyes smiled at me.

"You look tired. Is the medication working, Bella?" she asked curiously, although we'd touched upon the medication before.

"I'm always tired," I sighed, brushing the hair from my eyes and fingering the sore patches where I'd tried to rub my eyes dry.

"There's something else, Bella. Your eating habits have decreased incredibly, and I'm beginning to wonder whether it's the lack of food that is making you so tired and feeling so low. Now, not eating is unhealthy for you. So I'm going to have to insist you eat something or we'll have to put you on a drip."

"Oh," I said quietly, turning away from her, ashamed. I felt my cheeks burning at her gaze, and I shrugged off her comment. The thought of eating something made me feel sick, the lining of my stomach wanting to be brought up as my body heaved heavily. But the thought of being on a drip seemed so drastic… made me seem so ill.

"I'll try to eat something later," I attempted to convince her while she eyed me sceptically as if making a note in her head now that she was without her clipboard.

There was a silence between us. Dr. Geller didn't seem to think it uncomfortable, although she was probably used to the suffocating awkwardness that had succumbed us. But I did.

The urge to say something bit at my ankles, trying to force something out of my lungs. But it wasn't any old words that my tongue begged for me to speak: it was a desire so strong that it was painful to hold it in. It was a desire to defend, a desire to protect, and it scolded. The only way to release it was to speak.

"He never touched me that way," I breathed quietly, trying to make her see, make her believe me. If there was anything that I needed her to realise, it was that Edward was caring and sensitive… even if he never felt anything towards me.

"I trust you."

I remained silent, just looking around my room awkwardly as Dr. Geller shuffled in the chair beside the door. She'd made no attempt to make notes of any kind since she'd came in, something I found strange.

"I came to apologise, Bella. I hope you accept. I didn't mean to accuse anybody of anything; I simply want to help you. There's obviously something making you feel unwell, and I want to help you feel better." She made new tears spring to my eyes.

"I'll see you tomorrow then?" I asked quietly, wanting her to leave now. She'd said her piece, and I would accept her apology. She seemed to believe me, and that was all I needed for now; to clear _his _name.

"Okay, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow."

Dr. Geller stood and left, and I cried again once she'd left, wondering how much more I could take. It wasn't necessarily for the same reason anymore either. Just the overwhelming loneliness, and the way people wanted to help me get better when I didn't know what to do to help myself. Eating seemed a start, but the food was so unappealing. The thought of it in my stomach made me feel queasy.

And so I sat again, just being.

My memory opened up for a few minutes, allowing to browse through the selected file cabinet in my mind that was stored away for times when I was alone, for knowing I would break into tears by delving just once into memory lane.

Each one stung like a bitter morning.

Each one made my heart ache with the deepest sense of loss.

Each one glistened like a black jewel, the forbidden fruit, and a guilty pleasure. It was almost masochistic, reliving these memories when they hurt so much. Anything so I didn't forget. Anything so long as his existence didn't slip to the back of my mind and slowly drift away like his presence had disappeared from my side.

When a badly cooked spaghetti Bolognese dinner came, I tried to eat it. But the jumbled mess on my plate, the mixture of meat and pasta glaring up at me, daring me to eat the gooey mush made me feel physically sick. But I tried; I ate three mouthfuls, forcing down a fourth.

Even that petty bit of food made me feel like I was about to expand. I hadn't eaten properly in so long, despite my efforts to at least attempt it.

After my outburst this morning, where I'd used my vocal cords in those few minutes that I had in the entire four months leading up to this smothering situation, I finally fell asleep; the conversation with Dr. Geller that had plunged me into a pool of self consciousness, head deep and unable to return to the surface to breath until she finally left with her fake promise of her belief, had utterly exhausted every inch of my feeble body.

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_I liked this chapter... I felt sorry for Bella because she so wanted to defend him by telling them he loved her! But to Bella, he never did. Damn that was frustrating!_

_Right, back to my physics revision now. I hate the stupid subject! I could revise for days and I still don't know anything. Feel sorry for me ;)_

_Please review; it's great to hear some feedback! _


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Just a quick authors note to you because I'm in a hurry, but I wanted to get this to you all. A reminder that I am totally Team Edward ;) You'll need it for this chapter... The response to the last chapter wasn't huge, especially compared to the previous chapters, so can we return back to normal please? You know, reviews? They're like chocolate chip cookies, I swear :L_

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Two weeks had passed, slowly, slowly, ticking and tocking, creeping and crawling. It went incredulously gradually but also so rapidly all at the same time; it amazed me that I'd been here for seventeen days already, and within that time, had fallen into my own nightmarish routine.

I bathed, I ate as much as I could, and I slept – all of that, of course, in between the gruelling appointments that cropped up frequently with Dr. Geller who analysed my every movement, my every word with a critical eye (which I often forget about because of her perfection in fake sincerity), and the phone conversations where I tried to convince both my mom and dad that I was doing well.

Charlie took more convincing, and he'd visited for a couple of hours over the weekend where he'd sat and read the newspaper, talking absently about the outside world which I'd so gratefully switched off from.

School work was faxed through, although at a much more dilute rate than normal; Dr. Geller had written me off from school, saying the stress would make my 'condition' so much more worse, but I'd shook my head and requested I was sent _something; _anything to keep my brain from shutting down too.

Maybe it was just me, maybe the others could see it too, but since I'd been here, I'd gotten worse. I felt more useless, and I had to have encouragement to do _anything. _Before, I had Charlie to pretend to; I'd had to cook and clean as usual, go to school, and go to work. Only now, it wasn't needed, therefore I didn't do it. Therefore, I didn't do anything.

Dr. Geller noticed bits of it, and I'd had to make a detour to the hospital shop once when I needed some blue-tack so I could stick up a picture of my mom and Phil from their wedding day; it had been Dr. Geller's suggestion to put a picture up, make an attempt to personalise this room (it wasn't as if I was leaving in a hurry) and I'd obliged, like the good little robot I'd turned into. I'd successfully made the walk, earning a rather patronising smile from many of the hospital staff.

But I still didn't eat. I'd requested Charlie bring me a belt when he came next, and I was still waiting for the thing so I could tighten my jeans with. They didn't fall down yet, but they were close. Even I knew how thin I'd gotten, but I didn't have the urge to eat. The very thought of it made me feel sick, not that there was anything to bring up. On the other hand, though, Dr. Geller had insisted I be placed on a drip, so I'd spent six afternoons over the past fortnight with a drip attached to my arm so I got the nutrients I needed.

And for every little thing Dr. Geller made me do, her warm smile and genuine caring eyes made me want to open up a little more to her. She said she believed me, and thankfully, had not mentioned _him _again since my outburst before. At least she was learning...

But after those two weeks that had passed, tortuously slow, I was shocked as hell when Claudia came in one morning to take away my breakfast that had barely been touched.

Her smile spread across her face although her eyes were worried, no doubt still mourning over the untouched slice of bread. Momentarily, her eyes glistened with a happiness I'd seen once before when she had told me that she'd gotten engaged last week to her boyfriend. When I'd burst into tears, the self-pitying ache returning to me, she'd not mentioned it again, scared that I'd have the same reaction.

"You have a visitor," she said simply, and I looked up at her through my bloodshot eyes with pure confusion etched across my face. "He says he's a friend of the family; Jacob Black?"

Jacob Black… I knew who he was; Billy's son, and I'd met him a couple of times… but the shock of his name on her lips made my heart stop for several moments and my eyes seemed to glaze over.

Of all the people I expected, Jacob Black was at the bottom of the list… well, second to bottom. He was lower than Mike Newton, and Jessica Stanley, which was definitely saying something. Why had he come? To offer sympathy or to goad at me like a monkey in a zoo, poke and prod me as if I hadn't had people already do that to me so many times?

"Bella?" Claudia said, leaning forward and gently waving her hand in front of my eyes, snapping me from my intense thoughts. "We don't have to let him in. It's procedure that I ask your permission before letting him come into the ward."

I thought this over, the power of being able to refuse seeing people whenever I didn't want to. I'd not been told this when Charlie had visited; did she mean non-family members only? Then I realised that I hadn't had any visitors (other than a single visit from Charlie) anyway.

"It's okay," I whispered quietly but firmly, the curiosity of his motive forcing me to agree.

Claudia shot me a warm smile, as if trying to pass her congratulations onto me because I'd jumped that first hurdle: seeing someone. Her lips curved, radiating in the genuine joy for me as I stood reluctantly, scraping my feet against the coolness of the floor, forcing myself forwards.

"I told him to wait in the visitor's room, Bella. I thought you might appreciate some privacy," she told me kindly, pointing her finger across the ward to the line of doors with their large signs, informing us which one was which.

"Thanks," I muttered quickly, shooting her a dismissive glance as I picked up my pace and hurried into the little room where my supposed visitor was waiting for me.

And as I stepped into the room, the lighting brighter than the therapy room with wall lights placed randomly on the pale blue walls, and the three two-seater sofas that collectively circled a small coffee table, I felt strange.

I looked over to the russet-skinned boy - his hair short and cut, where I'd associated the name with his longer more shaggy hair - who was bending down to fill up a plastic cup from the water machine and gulped back my reluctance.

But as Jacob Black stood up, I gasped at his height; he towered over me easily, and even though he was several steps away from me, I immediately felt intimidated by his height. He'd grown, that much was sure, since the last time I'd seen him, and it shocked me; I guess I assumed other people's lives had shut down when mine had. But no, other people carried on, other people grew. Obviously.

"Hey, Bella."

My head shot upwards to study his face, which was still adoringly cute but oddly masculine. His features were as I remembered them, only clearer now as I stood in front of him. There was that little boy that I faintly remembered, but it was hidden within some kind of growth, mentally and physically. Jacob had aged so much since that last time, and it surprised me.

"Hi," I said quietly.

"How are you?" His face suddenly looked shocked as he eyed me up and down, no doubt noticing my sunken eyes, matted hair and disgusting clothing. "Shit, bad question," he muttered, more to himself than anyone.

Nodding absently, I eyed him up and down again.

"Why are you here?" I croaked, turning away and noticing a poster that was pinned to the wall with bright colours splashed across the page, encouraging you to talk about your problems.

"I dunno, actually. Your dad told my dad about you being here, and I felt bad for you. I thought it must be pretty lonely, so I thought I'd come see you."

Watching his eyes as they looked shiftily around the floor and then onto my face, I saw the sad smile that crept onto his lips as if he'd ran out of things to say.

"I was thinking, you know, that we could do stuff. I dunno, maybe if you did something, they'd let you out of this place," he suggested, glancing around with a look of disgust on his face, like a bad smell had tainted the air and stung at his nostrils. "I'd be happy to help, Bella. Hell, we could even resort back to making mud pies." He laughed at his own joke, and I forced a chuckle, mainly for his efforts.

Slowly, I moved over to one of the sofas and sat down heavily, the material absorbing my weight, almost swallowing me in its softness. Jake took a swig of his water, and came over to sit next to me, the atmosphere suddenly very warm.

Looking aghast, I quickly shook my head as he went to lower himself to the sofa. He noticed the look on my face, frowning in confusion as his backside made contact with the sofa, making me sink even lower.

Jumping up with a summoned energy, I rushed to the water machine, pouring water into a plastic cup, which made creaking noises under my anxious grip. Half full with water, I took a tiny sip. The wetness of my mouth seemed strange, after so long, and I made a point of returning to a seat, but this time on a different sofa to where Jake was currently looking shocked and bewildered.

"What do you want to do?" he asked, spinning his head as if to catch a glimpse of something interesting; he found nothing, apart from the stack of board games in the corner and a few books that were scattered on a deserted shelf. It was the _visitors' _room, after all; not many people needed as much encouragement to force themselves to talk.

I shrugged, causing him to sigh at my lack of response.

"Alright then," he muttered awkwardly, drinking the rest of his cup to fill the silence that I made no effort to break. He'd come to see me, so he obviously felt he had to be here. I never asked for him to come.

"Your dad came 'round for dinner last night," he announced, and I looked up at him to see the touch of hopefulness in his voice as he spoke, wanting me to react in some way. "Mentioned you a bit; apparently you're a pretty good cook."

"Was," I corrected.

"Oh, I dunno. The way he was talking, you can't just forget how to cook like that," he smiled arrogantly, obviously pleased that he'd gotten me to say something other than the basics.

Again, I shrugged and Jake's sigh was quieter this time, as if I'd fuelled his hope in me to do something else. I didn't know exactly what he wanted me to do - dance around like a circus monkey, or something, obviously, the way he stared at me so expectantly.

"A board game?" he asked, resorting to the only thing that was of assistance in this room. I nodded briefly, knowing I could at least role a dice without clogging up inside.

Standing up, a big smile on his face, he walked over to the pile and eyed a few of them up.

"You like books, right?"

"Liked," I corrected.

"Whatever," he dismissed, rolling his eyes as he took out 'Scrabble' from the pile. "People who like books can spell good, right? You know - good vocab and stuff like that?"

"I guess."

Shuffling forwards to the end of my seat, I watched as Jake slowly set out the game, laying the board flat on the coffee table and giving the bag of letters a shake. He handed me a little stand that I could place them on once I'd drawn them out. Before handing me the bag, he glanced around quickly before spotting a dictionary in the corner.

He jumped up from his seat, and returned almost instantly with the dictionary in his hand.

"In case you cheat," he smirked, laying it beside the board. "You can start."

And so I did. I picked out my letters, which spelt 'greatly' quite nicely, which he added onto with the word 'years'. We continued the game for a while, as he slowly jotted down our points, totalling up the scores in his head every time he added something to the chart.

I excused myself for a moment to go to the bathroom, and I eyed myself in the mirror for a good five minutes after washing my hands to look at my sunken face. I wondered if he'd been shocked to see the state I was in; I could hardly recognise myself anymore, let alone expect anyone else to.

Attempting to make myself more appealing to the eye, I ran my hands through my hair. I tried to rid it of the few knots that had been made after I'd woken which I hadn't properly brushed out in my haste.

I returned to the room where Jake was waiting, pacing a little bit around the room, impatiently or nervously, I did not know. He smiled warmly at me as I took my place back on the sofa. I glanced over at his scores, and snorted a little, shocking both myself and Jake. He looked at me, waiting for me to explain myself.

"A dog could write neater," I said, my tone considerably lighter than it had been before, nodding my head towards his abysmal handwriting, but recoiled when Jake's head shot up.

"What?" he snapped, his tone suddenly turning sharp as his eyes darkened.

I shook my head instantly, trying to forget what I'd said, and he rubbed his eyes viciously with his hands.

Gulping back my shock, the game resumed, and I placed the word 'large' onto a word I'd formed earlier, 'ogre'.

But the game slowly came to a finish when we both struggled to place the letter 'q', 'd', 'f' and 't' which had dwindled down to be the remaining letters. Jake counted up, announcing that I'd won although when I held my hand out to see the piece of paper, he refused to give it to me, hurriedly screwing it up and placing it in his pocket.

Throughout the whole game, I'd said no more than ten words. But what was more was that I'd laughed. Jake had placed down a word that wasn't in the dictionary – something I'd checked – and tried to get away with it, something slang and inappropriate. And I'd laughed. The sound was hoarse, and croaky, and extremely short - lived when I realised what I'd done, shocking myself into silence.

Jake sat there smugly, knowing full well that he was the reason I'd laughed. Intentionally or not, I'd appreciated it.

I put the board away as Jake said he was going to run to the cafeteria to grab a sandwich. He asked me if I wanted anything, but I shook my head, still feeling queasy at the thought of food.

His company had surprised me in two ways; first of all that he'd come at all, and second that I'd oddly enjoyed it. In a way, it was effortless. But in another, it took me all the energy in the world to simply sit with him and pretend to be okay.

Fifteen minutes later, Jake returned. His eyes grazed over me sitting motionless on the sofa, obviously taken aback that I looked so comfortable doing absolutely _nothing. _

But that smug smile soon returned as he sat back down, tipping the plastic bag on its head as four sandwiches fell out, two bags of crisps, and three chocolate bars, followed by a bottle of fizzy pop. I looked at it, feeling a little sick as I eyed the foods. Looking up at Jacob, his eyes glistened, the apple of his eye the food. I almost laughed at the way he looked so lovingly at a packet of crisps and a sandwich! But I didn't, because that sick feeling returned all too quickly.

"I said I didn't want anything," I said, shaking my head at him embarrassedly. He didn't know about my eating habits, nor did I want him too.

"_This_," he said, pulling three of the sandwiches, a bag of crisps, the bottle of pop and two chocolate bars to the side of the coffee table, "is mine." He paused, and pushed the other sandwich and packet of crisps towards me. "_That_ is yours."

I chuckled quietly; amazed that he could eat so much.

"I'm not hungry," I said truthfully.

"Ah, come on, Bella. I can see how thin you are; you obviously haven't eaten in ages. You need to eat," he said forcefully, but also playfully, pushing 'my' food towards me.

Again, I shook my head awkwardly.

"If it's any consolations, Bella, he isn't worth it," he muttered quietly but firmly, looking at me squarely, the effect of his words going unnoticed in his ridiculously thick and arrogant skull of his.

I looked quickly down at the collection of food, and back up to Jake's oblivious face.

"What?" I snarled, but he shrugged off my tone, ignoring the blatant expression on my face that he was treading on dangerous ground.

"I knew the Cullens', Bella, and so did my people. They were a waste of space, if you ask me. The way Edward left you was… monstrous. I saw the way you came out of that forest, Bella, and you weren't pretty. You were broken. And he's not worth that."

My fists scrunched up in anger at his words, the water from my plastic cup spilling over the sides in my suppressive rage and dripping a wet patch onto my lap.

"What?" I repeated, my voice noticeably louder that he recoiled from my sudden volume. "How can you say that? _Who_ are you to say it, Jake? You don't know him! You don't even know _me_! Mud pies when we were five, the occasional 'hello' when you came with Billy to see Charlie, that's it. You know nothing!"

I was fuming as I watched him eye me up and down as he panted like a dog. It seemed my outburst had affected him more than I'd thought, because he was angry. His eyes seemed to have darkened somewhat, and he really was breathing like a madman.

"I know more than you think," Jacob muttered angrily, a knowing look shadowing his face as he tried to keep calm with deep breaths.

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_So what do you think?_

_Please review; all feedback is welcome :)_


	6. Chapter 6

_Okay, so here's chapter 6. I'm a little unsure about the pace of this story, about whether I'm going too fast or too slow. I don't want a drama overload, but I don't want it to turn into a boring, steady story. I think there's a lot to process. So maybe if you could give me your thoughts on this, it'd be very helpful - thank you!_

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"What?" I said again, disbelief coursing through my veins at an unbelievable speed. What did he know? Was he bluffing? Or was he walking about something completely unrelated? Because for him to _know _would be very dangerous, indeed.

"I know, Bella," he hissed, a little impatient now I'd made him repeat it.

But I should be the one pissed off. He'd practically hit me with his vile comments about how _he_ wasn't worth it, when really, I was the one who was so ordinarily plain and pathetic - him leaving made all the sense in the world; it was the bit before, the lies and pretending, that didn't make any sense at all!

"What do you _know_?" I snarled, repeating the hostility that he'd given to me moments ago. If he wanted to be a complete ass about it all, then I could play dirty too.

The ache within me seemed to be diluted by this anger that was searing inside of me; anger, frustration, confusion, all mixed into one as it fuelled me, like adrenaline, giving me more energy in that moment than I'd experienced in the past four and a half months. It was almost refreshing.

"Come on, Jacob. _What do you know?_" I repeated when he remained silent, breathing heavily as his eyes closed shut, focusing on something.

"Be quiet, Bella," he demanded firmly.

"You can't say _that _and then ask me to be quiet!" My voice rose as I stood up quickly. The food on the table mocked me - because the food pieces had caused this whole situation - as I stared down at it… as if _he _was the blame for the fact I wasn't eating. I just wasn't hungry – that was all!

"Bella, I'm warning you…" Jacob growled, and the look of anger on his face made me stop talking. But instead, I put my energy into stalking around the room, pacing noisily, and huffing out angry breaths as he tried to calm himself down.

After stealing several quick glances at him, watching his grip on the arm of the sofa get tighter and tighter, I turned away from him completely and stared at the blueness of the wall.

That feeling returned; that sickness. Only, it wasn't caused by the stench of food. It was the burning regret and nausea in my stomach from someone knowing the secret. But Jacob couldn't know that, could he? Although… Jacob had told me all about it to begin with. Jacob was the one who'd passed on his knowledge to me in the first place. That time, at the beach. He _could _know - but did he?

Minutes passed when I finally turned around to see Jacob sitting there looking shell-shocked.

I stalked hurriedly back over to the sofa opposite him, desperate for answers and to stop this eroding curiosity that had me on fire. I was burning with curiosity, anger, and defensive. I was ready for the typical method of 'fight or flight' - defend or run and deny?

"What do you know?" I asked for the third time, my voice surprisingly strong, considering my situation. He stared at me. Making sure he'd heard right, no doubt – but surprised also by my sudden volume.

"I know everything, Bella. So don't try and kid me with your 'he was definitely worth it' kind of story because it's not going to work. He's a monster and you know it," Jacob spat, every vicious word that came out of his mouth spraying his saliva in disgust.

"You claim you know everything." I defended him like I had so many times before when things got bad, and people got accusing. "But if you did know everything, then you'd know he definitely is _not _a monster."

"Don't. Don't defend him. Don't get me angry again," he warned, and the sense of uncertainty and worry that was evident in his shaking tone told me that it was for _my_ safety… something that frightened me. What was he going to do? Hit me? I'd suffered worse, I was sure of it.

"Then tell me what you know, Jacob. Tell me what _you _think of it all. If he's not worth it, then why am I in here? Why do I f-feel li-" and that was it. I had to stop. I could no longer carry on my sentence because of the sobs and tears that blurred my vision in their inconsiderate task of destroying me.

"Bella, please," Jacob choked, and I blinked back the translucent screen to see his face etched with regret, as he stood up and walked over to me. "Please don't cry," he asked, as if it was something I could control. As if, with each tear that had fallen, I could control it.

But not now. I wasn't going to let a single tear touch my cheeks today, so I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt before sighing heavily and looking at Jacob with blurry but demanding eyes.

"Then tell me," I bargained, and Jacob's eyes widened, obviously not expecting me to say something like that. In all honesty, I'd shocked myself too.

"Errm," Jacob mumbled, "I know about you and your little friends. I know what they are."

The disgust was evident in his tone as he spoke, as if venom was dripping off his tongue, and the memory of _them _flashed through my mind; never once had I been disgusted. I'd never found them repulsive or monstrous. Maybe I should have - but they just _weren't_. It was that simple. They were all so humane and caring!

"How the hell do you know that?" I shot at him, a little taken aback when I saw hatred pass over his face, but it was a distant hatred. His mouth opened and closed several times in his torment.

"Becau-" Jacob stopped himself from his explanation, causing confusion to drown me.

"Because?" I challenged, eager for him to continue his ridiculous excuse for an explanation, to try and convince me he was knowledgeable enough to accuse and judge.

"Sam Uley," he said shortly, snorting loudly. His strange reaction made me curious; what was so damn difficult about giving me a name?

"I know him…" Muttering to myself, I tried to place the name, relate it to a face.

"Yeah, you know him," Jacob agreed snidely. "He's the one that pulled your lucky ass out of the forest when that oh-so-wonderful leech of yours decided to leave you there."

"He left me on the path," I spat defensively, revelling in the strength and concrete certainty in my voice.

Why didn't they believe me?

Why was everyone accusing him of things he'd never done?

"Whatever," Jacob dismissed, causing me to throw him an annoyed look. "What surprised me most out of it all was that _you _knew. I mean, why? Why would you want _that?_"

Flinching at his words, I shuffled away from him as if he was on fire, because his words hurt and stung, more than any beating I'd supposedly gotten. I felt he'd insulted _me. _

"Because, _Jacob, _he is kind and loving, gentle and attentive, and the most caring person I've ever met." I clenched my fists to hold in my pain, ready to throw him a punch at any second. He'd crossed the line long ago, and I wouldn't take any more.

"Until he left you, that is."

No. _That _was crossing the line.

I couldn't control myself any longer and I flung myself off the sofa and turned on him. Jacob stared at me with wide eyes as I kicked the table from[D1] out of my way, only nudging it slightly ahead but sending a shooting pain through my leg.

My arms started hammering at Jacob, my hands shooting in all directions, randomly hitting his head and his hard chest until my wrists were restrained by his over-sized hands that held onto me with a forceful strength. But my mouth still ran wild.

"How dare you!" I screamed at him. "How can you even say that? You don't know him; you don't know _me_. You know nothing! So what, you've been told by God knows who one tiny detail, and all of a sudden you think that you _know more than me? _Well, guess what, Jacob? If I can deal with it then so can you!"

"Bell-"

"Get out," I snarled, snatching my hands out of his grip, using the element of shock to my advantage, and brushing the hair from my eyes.

"But you _aren't_ dealing with i-"

"Get _out_!"

Pointing to the door, I saw Jacob glance from me to where he'd have to leave. But before Jacob could even move from the couch, Dr. Geller came in, without knocking, with Claudia following directly behind her, looking around the room in confusion.

"Bella, are you okay?" Dr. Geller asked instantly, walking over to me with quick, careful strides and eyeing Jacob warily.

"I'm fine," I said firmly, shrugging off her hand that she had placed so gently on my shoulder. The contact was too much; I was seething.

"Who's this?" Dr. Geller questioned, looking at Jacob again, but her tone was calm. How did she do it? How did she manage to be so calm, so still? As her eyes softened, I realised she was trying to ease the tension that was clattering around us.

"Jacob Black," Claudia answered for us, glancing between Jacob and me. She smiled sadly and a little regretfully as I gulped back a surge of hatred and blinked back several tears.

"And I don't want to see him. Don't let him in again," I requested quickly.

I turned away from him so I couldn't see his puppy-dog eyes that stared at me. How he knew about everything, I had no idea. But I didn't want to know either. Jacob Black was a liar whose accusations were so far from the truth, he might as well have been placed in this mental unit for hallucinations. He was delusional. And he thought getting angry at me would make me warm up to him? How could he possibly think that I'd want to talk to him again after all the ridiculous things he'd said?

And that's when I stormed back into my room, pushing past Claudia in the small room who tried to stop me from running out. But I forced my way out of the room that seemed to have overheated for every moment we'd spent in there. The atmosphere almost sizzled from both tension and temperature.

I heard Jacob shove off Dr. Geller's comment about perhaps he should leave, and I heard the heavy footsteps, that could only be made by someone so large, follow me through the ward.

"Jacob!" I heard Claudia call behind me, but I didn't turn back as Jacob caught up with me, a large hot hand pressed on my shoulder to turn me around. I couldn't fight the strength; he was _too _strong to defy, so I spun around, facing him.

"I want to _help _you!" he stressed, his large puppy-dog brown eyes boring into mine with a level of emotional intensity that I wasn't prepared to deal with.

"By insulting me and my choices?"

"Everyone makes mistakes, Bella."

"There you go again! I didn't make any mistakes! Every moment of my life with… Edward," I gulped, "was absolutely perfect."

"But he's _gone._"

"You know what, Jacob?" I hissed sarcastically, screwing up my face as I tried to stay in control. "I _think _that I might already know that."

With a final glance at Jacob's rattling body, and the crowd that seemed to have gathered as we hissed at each other in the ward, I turned my back on Jacob (and Claudia and Dr. Geller who'd assembled to witness our argument), and finally slammed the door of my room shut.

But once I was in my room, I couldn't settle. I moved over to my bed with a pace that was still fuelled by my adrenaline, but the thought of sitting there made me twitch with impatience. So instead, I pressed my ear against the door, hoping to hear what was happening in the ward.

Outside the closure of my door, I heard Dr. Geller speak in a low and calm voice to Jacob as he asked her to leave him alone. But she didn't back down, and I appreciated that she was fighting for me since I failed so epically at defending myself.

Unfortunately, she did allow him to go back into the visitor's room where he gave the excuse that he'd left all his food there. Their voices turned back into murmurs as they disappeared out of my hearing range, so I retreated back to my bed.

As I stared at the swirls of my ceiling, the niggling question of 'why was Jacob Black visiting me?' hit me again. Was it his newly found knowledge of the… Cullen's nature, or did he actually want to help me? Because he hadn't done anything to help from where I was sitting.

He'd played a game with me, he'd tried to feed me, but that false friendship evaporated as quickly as it had formed when he began throwing around his insensitive comments.

I let myself calm down, and I was pleasantly shocked when I didn't feel the heated sting of tears on my cheeks. I did, however, feel the heated sting in my heart, the wounds of _Edward's _departure freshly ripped open for all to see.

A small knock at the door made my eyes stray from the ceiling to the door, and I looked just in time to see Dr. Geller poke her red-haired head in.

"Are you okay, Bella?" she asked gently as she took a single step inside, pushing the door closed behind her to give us some privacy. Everything that Dr. Geller did, I wanted to be thankful for. But it was who she was, what she was trying to achieve that made me so unexplainably annoyed with her.

"I'm okay."

"It was nice that you got a visitor, right?" she asked and I glared at her incredulously. Was she for real? "Well, even if Mr. Black was a little… short-tempered."

Offering me a small smile, I rolled my eyes at the ceiling and nodded my head slightly.

"If you don't want Jacob to be in the ward, then he doesn't have to be. Our number one priority is you, and what you want. Jacob did, however, ask me for a small favour, so I listened to what it was, and it seemed reasonable."

In her hand was a piece of paper, which had been folded in half, with Jacob's awful script scribbling my name across the front of it. My mind replayed his snappy response when I'd commented on it earlier during a game and I snorted quietly. I should have kicked him out then.

"He asked me to give you this; he seems like a very nice man, Bella, and his heart seems in the right place. If you don't want to read it, you don't have to, but I promised him I'd pass it onto you all the same."

Dr. Geller outstretched her arm, and I took it gingerly, as if the paper were to scold my hand if my grip was too strong.

"Ask the nurses to call me if you need anything," Dr. Geller offered kindly, as usual, and I nodded my head although my eyes never left the piece of paper in my hand.

Very carefully, I opened it up, only to be shocked by the amount of illegible scribble on the page. No doubt, he'd been in a hurry to write it.

_Things didn't go as I thought today, Bella. Sorry. All I wanted to do was help you; you deserve better than this and so does Charlie - you deserve better than being stuck in here and being called depressed just because someone left you. _

_I understand grief, Bella. Well, that's what Charlie said it was like, and I know you move past it. I watched my dad and my sisters through it, you know? I witnessed it firsthand, and it wasn't pretty. But it's really not the end of the world, no matter what species the lost person is, okay?_

_I didn't mean to make you all angry, and I'm sorry I lost my temper… I guess you could say it's part of my nature – a part that I despise just as much as my 'dog-like' handwriting. _

_I wonder whether I told you about the Cullens, if you remember at the beach? I wonder how much of that conversation you remember, or whether your attention was focused on that bloodsucker. _

_Either way, I'm not giving up on you. So let me in. There's more to that broken girl I met today, and I want to fix you._

_Call me. _

_Jacob, xx_

A small droplet left my eye and splashed on the paper, making a spider web blotch on the ink. But I hurriedly wiped the rest away, and folded the paper over. He had no right, even now. So what if he had a temper? So what if he'd been the one to tell me? Who cares if he'd experienced grief?

He'd done nothing but make me feel angry and torn apart all over again.

Jacob Black - with his ill-tempered arrogance and sudden need to be my rescuer - was the _last _person I was going to let in.

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_Please review with your thoughts; I'd love to hear what you think!_


	7. Chapter 7

_I'm back with Chapter 7, and I seem to be getting into a bit of a pattern by updating every Wednesday. I like to think I'll stick to that, but you never know. We'll see how it goes, shall we? _

_I had over 200 people read the last chapter, and the number of reviews wasn't too good. I'm amazed by how many read my stories, but it'd be so nice for some feedback off you all, if that's not too much to ask. I think it's one of the main ways to improve, right?_

_Anyways, thanks for those you have reviewed, and thank you for reading too. _

_It's quite a long chapter (longest one yet) so I hope you enjoy it :)_

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_I'm not giving up on you, _were the six words that Jacob Black had said to me, promised me, and he didn't.

The day after his visit, I received four phone calls; one in the morning, one just after dinner and two in the afternoon when the sun was beginning to set. Each time, Claudia came in with a sorry smile plastered across her face, her wide eyes sympathetically staring at me as she told me I had a caller.

And each time, I refused to speak to him; why should I? How could Jacob Black storm in here and treat me the way he had? Was I no more to him than a project that needed mending?

Charlie called too, apologising for Jacob's harassment of me but saying he couldn't really keep it from Billy. He also reminded me that if it wasn't for Jacob and his friends, I wouldn't have been found in the forest when I had been. I was grateful, I really was, but my anger for Jacob didn't disintegrate – it was _Sam_ that had found me, after all, not Jacob.

When the time came for my session with Dr. Geller, I sat there whilst she talked to me, nodding occasionally and muttering my answers as to how I was feeling and how my medication was working. I thought she was going to skip the topic of Jacob Black completely until the last couple of minutes where she questioned my motives for ignoring his calls and not wanting to speak to him.

Shrugging off the majority of the questions, I simply told her he'd said hurtful things, not specifying towards whom, and reinforced that he shouldn't be allowed here; Jacob Black was no longer a family friend. She seemed to buy it, or at least she didn't press the matter further, and I was thankful as I left the therapy room.

That night, I was haunted by another nightmare, only this time the content had changed. I was in the forest, as always, and I was running. But not only was I running towards _him, _I was running _from _Jacob. But he caught up... he caught up and prevented me from finding the monster he accused Edward of being.

And so I woke myself because of my loud cries, my protests of being held back. Heather was there, with a damp cloth, to wipe my sweaty brow and to calm me before I could sleep again. The cool water dripped down my throat, dampening the dry, croaky tunnel.

On the second day after Jacob's visit, I received a further two calls before lunch. I ignored them as I had the last. But as I was attempting to eat my cheese sandwich, I heard the outburst outside on the unit.

Before I even managed to open the door, I knew what was happening.

As the door swung open, I saw Jacob Black being cordoned off by Claudia, Dr. Geller and another member of staff.

"Just let me _see _her!" Jacob stressed, frustrated, shrugging off their touches as he tried to push his way forwards. I breathed deeply at Jacob's large stature attempting his way across the ward, and his head shot in my direction as if he'd heard my heavy sigh.

"Bella!"

With one push, Dr. Geller was thrown off him, not too harsh but it wasn't done gently either, as she stumbled backwards and found her balance when she gripped the wall unsteadily.

Jacob strode over to me stubbornly, each step sending alarm bells into my head, and I turned around quickly to close the door, hopefully shutting him out for good. I didn't want to see him. But his foot got in the way and the door wouldn't close, despite my forceful shoves.

"Listen to me," Jacob begged but I shook my head. "I want to help."

I felt pathetic and weak as I tried to close the door, but failed miserably because of my lack of strength and Jacob's muscular physique. The door crept open even more and Jacob took a step into my room after the unsuccessful attempts of Dr. Geller to retain him.

"Go away." I tried to conjure as much venom in my voice as I could.

Jacob looked at me with a slight frown, and eyed me up and down again. His gaze softened, not as hard and determined as before. But there was still persistence in the solidarity of his jaw and the focused direction of his brown eyes.

"I meant it, Bella. I won't give up."

Just as Jacob was about to turn away, he stopped himself and leant over to me. I stood rigid as he placed a wet, chaste kiss on my forehead and his hand found mine, placing something inside.

And then he disappeared quickly, much to the confusion of the unit staff who were still flustered.

"Bella, are you okay?" Dr. Geller exclaimed, rushing over to me just as I was about to close my door. I nodded quickly and gulped.

I _was_ okay - a little angry, maybe, and annoyed by Jacob's persistent, but I wasn't scared by Jacob's arrival. Violated was probably the right word, because I had no control when Jacob was around. He'd pushed his way in, and it wasn't me that made him finally leave. Still, I didn't feel threatened.

"I'm fine." I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Bella." For once, I saw her defeated.

"Don't." I shook my head. "Don't apologise."

Sitting down on my bed, Dr. Geller stared me down for a long time. Every second of her powerful gaze left me with a sense of shame, although I didn't know what _I'd _done. Her red hair was a little loose and messy, several strands hanging down from her pre-neat bun.

"I thought we were getting somewhere, Bella. I thought the medication was working, that you were sleeping better. But Heather told me you had a rough night again last night, huh?"

I didn't respond to her; she knew because this place had eyes everywhere. _Everywhere. _It drove me crazy to know that nothing went unseen. What with Heather watching me in the night, or Claudia monitoring how much I ate and when I showered, and Dr. Geller trying to talk through every emotion that may or may not have passed through my body that day...

"You're still not eating much, but I thought the drip was picking up your energy. I think that's working well, don't you?"

Again, I remained unresponsive until her gaze burned my face, and I nodded my head slightly. My breathing had calmed.

"Bella, I really thought Jacob would be good for you; he seems like a lovely boy, perfect for you to lean on if you needed to. He definitely seems dedicated in helping you," she pointed out, and I scowled at her.

"I _don't _want him here."

My voice cut through the atmosphere, obviously so sharp and determined that Dr. Geller finally accepted that and nodded.

"I'm sorry we couldn't keep him out. He's a strong one." A smile grazed her lips and I agreed with a nod of my head; Jacob was huge. "Does he scare you, Bella?"

Looking up at Dr. Geller's face, I saw a hint of regret pass across her features. This woman had tried hard to fix me, and I could tell that today had frightened her a little; she wanted to protect me. She didn't want Jacob's presence to have set me any further back.

"No," I said firmly. "I just don't want him here. He's rude and arrogant."

"I understand," Dr. Geller sighed. "I'll see you later, Bella. Don't forget; our meeting's at three."

With one last smile, she walked out of the room. But just before the door slammed shut, I saw her shoulders shrink, and she sighed heavily.

Jacob's forced entry had shocked me a little bit, but his exit had shocked me more. The kiss; his lips on my forehead.

It was in that moment when I realised that someone else had been the last person to kiss my forehead, and I cried. As I forced myself to remember the time that he said goodbye, I forced myself to think his name: Edward.

Edward's lips were no longer the last ones to brush against my skin; when he'd said goodbye, no matter how destroyed I had been, it was that final kiss that I had remembered. It was soft, sweet. But it had been replaced.

A single tear fell down my cheek.

One single tear, followed by another.

And another.

I walked over to the bed where my cheese sandwich was still resting, one corner missing where I'd forced myself to eat at least one bite. I looked at it and all of a sudden, I felt my insides squirm.

Only it wasn't just the thought of food that made me feel queasy; I was actually going to throw up.

Throwing myself off the bed, I stumbled hurriedly into the bathroom across the unit, pushing past anyone who got into my way, and began hurling into the toilet that I'd managed to get to just in time. Hardly anything came up as I heaved, and I briefly noticed a cool hand rest on the top of my back as I cried even more into the toilet.

"Would you like a drink?" I heard someone say.

As I shook my head, I batted the hand away so I could stand up. I wiped my mouth with some tissue paper and walked over to the sink to splash some water on my face.

"Are y-"

"I'm fine."

Turning around, I saw Dr. Geller standing there which surprised me. I'd expected Claudia or Heather, or another member of staff who was paid to deal with all the ickiness of working in a hospital, but Dr. Geller was there. She always seemed to be there.

But I didn't stay to talk. I threw a quick, forced smile in her direction before hurrying back to my room. I placed the plate with my cheese sandwich on the table beside my bed and I pulled the covers up and over me as I slid underneath. But as I turned to roll over, I leant on something that dug into my side.

My hands spread out, looking for it, and as soon as I felt the cool object in my hands, I recognised it immediately. The shape of it was exact to the one Jacob had slipped me earlier.

I lifted my hands so I could see the object, and I gasped.

It was beautiful, the simple but elegant bracelet with a carving of a wolf dangling happily from it. It was so… _beautiful, _but then I remembered how I'd come across it, how it'd been forced upon my presence.

Jumping out of bed, I clenched the bracelet tightly in my hands, hovering it over the trash can. I was so ready to drop it in and say goodbye to Jacob Black's stupid gift. But as my eyes scanned the intricate piece again, I couldn't find the heart to throw it away.

Nor could I find the heart to actually wear it.

So I placed it on the table next to the letter that Jacob had sent me. I lay in my bed and watched it, almost expecting the little wolf pendant to begin a funny dance or something. But it didn't. It remained still, and silent. And as my eyes lost focus on the beautiful wolf, I fell asleep.

I dreamt; I dreamt, not about Edward, but about Jacob. And when I woke, I felt the hot sting on my cheeks where I'd cried, silently, in my sleep. Not only was Jacob taking over my life - with his constant, continuous calls - but he now invaded sleep too.

The clock on the wall read two twenty-seven, so I hadn't missed Dr. Geller's appointment. I did, however, have the greatest urge to cancel. I didn't think I could deal with the prying questions or the mindless chitchat that Dr. Geller always seemed to find a hidden meaning to.

But even though the weight of the past few days was pressing against me, I got out of bed, ran my fingers through my hair and walked the several steps (half an hour early) to Therapy Room One. It was empty so I walked over to my beanbag and sat down. It was quite nice to sit in a different room without company. It was comforting and enjoyable to have a change of scenery! I couldn't believe how much I hadn't done in the past month or so since moving here.

For several moments, I sat in silence, looking around the room that screamed silence. But after a while, the quiet got taunting so I stood and began walking 'round the room. Like the visitors' room, there was a poster about talking to someone, going to someone for help. I rolled my eyes.

And in the corner there was a set of drawers where Dr. Geller had gotten my paper and pencils when I had been asked to draw myself. On instinct, I got out a piece of paper and a pen and I retrieved a book from the many book shelves so I had something I could lean on.

Returning to the beanbag, I began to write. I wrote how I felt, and what I thought. I wrote quickly until my hand began to cramp. When I finished, I realised that I'd written a whole page in my messy scrawl.

But at the top of the page, I'd addressed it to Edward. And it was the way I'd done it, without realising, that made my heart stop beating.

Subconsciously, I'd written a letter to Edward. My eyes scanned through what I'd written.

_Edward,_

_I feel like I'm sinking. Deeper and deeper, and with every moment that passes, I feel like I'm forgetting more about what made me who I am. It scares me. It scares me to think that I might eventually be just a ghost of who I was, even though Charlie says I'm pretty much dead anyway. It scares me that I might not be able to stop drowning._

_But, at the bottom of the pool, I feel like you're waiting for me. If I keep remembering, however painful, you'll always be there, even if you're just a memory._

_I didn't mean for Jacob to kiss my forehead. It burns, where his lips touched my skin, and it feels so awful. I feel violated, and it was just a kiss. _

_It's awful, because I don't know if I want to be saved. There are people, really nice people, trying to help me. But I can't accept it. They're strangers, and they're useless, however kind they are. Charlie doesn't know what to do. Renée doesn't know what to do. Even I don't know what to do. And who else is there? _

_I hate that you left me, Edward. I hate that I can't even piece myself back together! I hate that you took the piece I need to function; you took my heart, but not before you changed me so completely. You have the instruction manual to this new Bella, and I can't figure out how to work it. _

_I'm empty, and I'm broken. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to be fixed. And I'm scared. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my life._

"Bella?"

My head shot up from the tear-stained piece of paper to see Dr. Geller standing there with a concerned look on her face.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Dr. Geller nodded her head, as if expecting that to be my answer and I noticed she'd taken her red hair down from this morning, and it was surprisingly wavy. It was nice to see her like this, a little more casual; it made her more addressable in some way, more normal.

"Nice to see you're keen for today's meeting." Dr. Geller smiled and took a seat opposite me. "What have you got there?"

"It's, uhm, nothing." I folded the piece of paper twice so it made a small square that my clenched fist could swallow. "It's private," I added, hoping that would deter her.

Thankfully, she accepted it and didn't pry further.

"I really want to talk to you about Jacob today, Bella. I think it's really important."

Sighing heavily, I nodded my head casually, something Dr. Geller noticed. I bit my lip, and squeezed the paper in my hand close together to protect it. I almost laughed at my ridiculous paranoia.

"Who _is_ Jacob Black?"

The question stumped me; was she really asking me such a question? I narrowed my eyebrows as I thought about the answer.

I didn't know much at all... I didn't know his favourite food, or favourite colour. I didn't know why he was so obnoxious or why he was so rude and persistent. I didn't know why he wanted to help me when there hadn't been a reason for us to talk beforehand, and I certainly didn't know how he knew about Edward and his family. Sam Uley told him, but how did he know as well? So I settled with what I did know; the basics.

"My dad is friends with his dad, I guess. Apparently, I knew him when I was little, but I haven't seen him for a long time. He lives on La Push Rez." I stopped talking, wondering how much information she wanted.

"So you've known him a while then?"

"I guess."

"But you don't feel like Jacob is a friend? Someone who you can talk to?"

"No."

"Okay, Bella. Is there anyone else you can talk to? Your mom and dad are frequent callers, and I know a girl called Angela has rung several times to talk. Could you talk to them, seeing as you don't want to talk to Jacob?"

I shook my head; that's why I was here. Because I had nobody else who knew how to deal with it, how to deal with what I'd become.

"I have something I'd like to share with you, Bella, if you don't mind," Dr. Geller requested, and I nodded carefully; I didn't know what it was yet.

"When I was fifteen, I got my first boyfriend. It was sweet, at first – he was older than me, he was seventeen, and he could drive. He had the sweetest smile, and his eyes were a beautiful blue. His friends liked me, and so did his parents. He told me he loved me, and I believed him, because that's what you do when you're fifteen. I was in love. Or I thought I was." She paused for a moment, and then grimaced. "So I gave him what he wanted... But that wasn't enough. One night, when we were kissing, he took it further than I wanted it to go. I'd done it before, he told me - so what was the problem? I didn't know what to say, or how to argue, so I let it happen... But then he left me, and I fell into a depression. It was awful... and people didn't know how to cope, least of all me. Until one day, I found a friend I could talk to, I could trust. And that friend pulled me out of the hole I was in... and that friend is now my husband."

I blinked twice, hard, at Dr. Geller who sat there was her lips pursed into a small, sad line, and her eyes glistening with the memory of her past.

"What are you asking from me?"

"I'm not asking anything from you, Bella. I'm not saying that you should marry Jacob, or anything silly like that. I'm just saying that having a friend to turn to can make all the difference. I know how it feels. It was my own experience that gave me the ambition to help others, people like you."

As I stared at Dr. Geller, I saw past the 'Dr' that she was to me and saw the person that she actually was; she wasn't here to serve me, she was here to achieve her own ambition. Just like imagining a teacher outside of school, it was just as hard to imagine her with a husband, imagine her as a child… and being taken advantage of.

"How long did it take you?" I asked quietly. "You know, to… stop being like _this_?"

Dr. Geller sighed, another sorrowful smile gracing her lips, but there was light in her eyes – hope, almost. "A while; four or five months. I was never in a unit, but I had sessions with a therapist."

"Thanks," I whispered, almost inaudible, squeezing my fist around the piece of paper in my hand. "For sharing."

"You're welcome, Bella. I'm here to help, you should know that." There was a small pause. "Is there anything you wish to talk to _me_ about, if there is no one else?"

"No, no." My words came out in a mumbled mess. "I'm fine," I added before indicating to the door. "Can I go please?"

"Of course. See you tomorrow, Bella."

With a wave of my hand, I moved out of the room as quickly as I could and rushed to my room. The paper in my hand was getting more and more crumbled in my grip, and I could feel the edges denting my skin.

My fear for a paper cut suddenly flashed through my mind and I dropped the paper in my lap, using my very finger tips to open it up.

_Edward, _it read.

_Edward. _His name had been missing from my life for too long now.

A deep sigh escaped my lungs, but no tears ran down my cheeks. Maybe I was getting better at controlling my tears; maybe I'd finally run out. But just as I was about to trace his name with my thumb, I heard a screech from outside.

"I _need_ to see Bella Swan!"

The voice sent my heart into overdrive, my mind completely crazy, and I jumped off the bed in no time at all.

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_Please review._

_Thank you :)_


	8. Chapter 8

_Oh my goodness, this week has just gone so fast! Unbelievably fast, really. I can't believe it's Tuesday already. Some of you wanted this before Wednesday, so I worked my damn butt off to get it to you! Review and show your thanks? I love them!_

_I have now officially left school. I never have to go back ever again if I don't want to. It just so happens that I do, and I am going back in September, to study for my A Levels - but the freedom still feels nice, you know? I get a whole summer full of fun and sun... except the times where I'm searching for a job that can hopefully pay for a car I'm saving up for. Yeah, scary thought. I have a year to save before I can even begin to think about driving lessons... but then it's university, and a house. The list is never ending..._

_Okay, I think I've bored you enough now. I hope you like this chapter. I know I do :)_

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Standing directly in my vision was something that was strong enough to bring tears to my eyes, and my heart couldn't decide whether to stop completely or race so fast that it would sound like a propeller. It seemed to find some kind of in between, and it pounded slowly against my chest.

I stared at her short stature, her black hair, her narrow golden eyes that stared at me with uncertainty and her hands on her hips; Alice Cullen was here, in this adolescent unit, and she wanted to see me. _She needed to see me._

"Oh my god, are you _kidding _me?" Alice gasped as she saw me, eyeing me up and down with her observant eyes that saw _everything, _before pacing over towards me as fast as she could without causing any suspicion from the onlookers of the unit.

Briefly, I saw Dr. Geller and Heather standing, warily watching us, questions rushing across their faces. Was this strange girl safe? Was this girl going to cause me any upset? I could understand their attitudes, after Jacob's outburst, but I still didn't like the way they stared at her.

As Alice's arms clamped around my neck, I felt tears prick my eyes in disbelief. That scent, it was so familiar. It wasn't quite Edward, but he was still present in it. There was a general Cullen scent, the alluring powerful attraction of a vampire, and Alice was covered in it.

But that's when my mind started to splutter incoherent thoughts around, stuttering aimlessly in my head as it tried to piece together the vague and confusing scene that had played out in front of me.

Alice? Alice Cullen?

What?

Why?

_How? _

I didn't understand. I guessed my confusion was natural. First of all, she'd left without saying goodbye, abandoning me, leaving me sister-less and without a best friend. But now she was here, she was back, and she was hugging me a little too tightly.

"Alice?" I whispered breathlessly, uncertain.

"Oh my god," Alice repeated. "What have you done?" She didn't even pause so I could ask her what she was on about. Was she angry at me? What _had _I done? "Seriously, Bella, what have you done to yourself?"

My hands shot to my face, fingering the pale skin there, and moving them swiftly over my body, inspecting for injuries. Had I gotten something in my hair? I knew I looked awful, completely and unexplainably awful, and Alice's reaction brought that realisation crashing on me.

"You look awful. You're so _thin_!"

"I… I h-haven't really been… hungry, or anything," I stuttered, so overwhelmed.

How could I admit this to Alice? What part of me could confess that I was so devastatingly depressed since her brother had left me, that I had done nothing but sleep and cry.

Cautiously, Alice glanced over her shoulder and caught Dr. Geller and Heather staring at the both of us. I wondered how insignificant and pathetic I looked beside Alice, who was so beautiful and graceful. I had before she'd left me to fall into this depression.

But she was back!

Alice Cullen was back!

"Can we go somewhere to talk, Bella?" she asked quietly, almost a whisper; as her eyes flickered to the audience that had gathered to stare in awe at the beautiful Alice who looked so out of place here. Alice was utter perfection, and this place just… wasn't.

I nodded quickly.

"You're more than welcome to use the visiting room, Bella," Dr. Geller reminded me, and I thanked her with a quick smile.

"Alice can come in my room; it's okay," I said quietly, pointing to the room that I'd just hurriedly exited to find one of my prayers answered. "I'll… I'll be back in a minute." Just as I turned to go, I quickly turned back. "Wait. D-Don't go anywhere, please… _please._"

"I promise."

Before anyone could protest, I saw Alice walk in the direction of my room, and I rushed into the bathroom across the unit. As soon as I was inside, I breathed heavily, deep quick breaths to supply enough oxygen to my brain and every other part of my body that was screaming at me to wake up. If I woke up now, the realisation that it was just a dream would crush me even more. I hadn't had a dream so wonderfully vivid in so long. But I wasn't dreaming, I was sure of it. The scent was too strong, too real to dream.

Splashing water across my face, I cooled myself down slightly and ran my hands through my hair in an attempt to make myself look the tiniest bit better for Alice. She would no doubt want to do something to make me look better. And, for once, I would not complain. I'd never complain ever again.

But I couldn't stay away from her for much longer; paranoia crept into my every breath when I thought she might have left me again, abandoned me after these brief, luxurious moments of hope.

And so I ran back to my room to find Alice sitting on my bed; Jacob's gift was in her right hand but she held it only with her thumb and forefinger. My letter, the one I'd written so desperately to Edward, was clenched in her left. The tufts of paper were sticking out of her clamp-like grip, and I felt my heart crumple a little at the sight.

I moved over to sit on the bed with her, although I perched uncomfortably rather than sit close to Alice. I was scared that if I got too close, she would just evaporate into thin air, or burst into flames and become nothing more than a pile of ash.

"Bella," she sighed, so defeated. "What has he done to you?"

I shook off the question she asked. I had to give myself a minute to take in this surreal image; Alice Cullen on my bed.

"Why are you here?" I choked, my throat suddenly thick with tears and emotion.

Alice spoke quickly, and I tried to keep up.

"Bella, he told me not to look; he told me to stay away. If we tried to move on, maybe you would too. But I couldn't break away from you. You're my _sister. _But he wouldn't listen. He told me a clean break would be best, and I couldn't refuse. But I kept watching, and I saw you, Bella – I watched you get progressively worse until Charlie had no choice but to bring you here. I watched, tormented, as I wondered how I could help. I made arrangements so Jasper and I could move back to Forks. Carlisle and Esme don't know why, Rosalie and Emmett aren't with us and I have no idea where Edward is; somewhere dark.

"I had to watch you, Bella… I had to watch you get _worse! _In a place you're supposed to get better, you just got worse. I don't understand! And then when Jasper and I got settled, I planned to stay out as long as I could. I know Edward's gonna flip when he finds out, but I couldn't stay away."

Alice's voice trembled now and then drifted off.

"I kept watching. But then, all of a sudden, you kept fading out," she said, in nothing more than a faint, scared whisper. "You disappeared once… I thought, for a moment, that you were going to commit suicide, Bella. You don't know how hard it was for me to deal with. But then you came back, and I saw you clearly again. Until this morning, and I got so scared that I had to come. I couldn't stay away anymore."

"I disappeared?" I whispered, "What does that mean?"

"I don't know, Bella. But enough of that. I'm here now."

"Are you gonna leave again?" I looked down, trying to avoid her eyes. My arms automatically wrapped around my body, preparing myself for the shattering blow.

"No!" she answered instantly. "I can't. Edward will find out soon enough, but I'm gonna stay until then."

"Until then?" I panicked. There was a time limit? How long would it be until Edward found out? What would happen then? I'd be left again? I couldn't do it – I couldn't fall into the hole again.

"Bella, Bella, calm down." Alice soothed, throwing the bracelet onto the table, and discarding the letter absently as she shuffled over to me and turned my shoulders to face her. I looked into her eyes, so comforting and promising. "It's going to work out, I promise you. I've _seen _it. It's gonna work out."

"Oh, Alice." I was practically sobbing now, each little sniffle coming out sharper and stronger than the last. "It's not going to work out! He l-left me. He d-d-doesn't l-love me!"

My chest heaved up and down vigorously in sharp movements as Alice leaned over and wrapped her arms around me.

"Bella? Bella?" Alice said, demanding my attention with her high snappy voice. "Edward loves you more than anything in the world, more than his own life."

"No!" I snapped. "Alice, don't. Please." My voice sounded so pathetic as I begged and pleaded for her to stop with these delusions. "He left. He told me. He wouldn't lie."

"Of course he lied! Bella, he was so stupid. I_ told _him, I really did! I said it wouldn't work; you two are made for each other. But he didn't listen." She paused and said, "He lied to you so you'd believe him. He wanted you to move on so you could have a normal, human life. Obviously, that's not going quite to plan here. But he most definitely loves you."

Closing my eyes, I struggled to see how that could possibly be true. Alice was just so concerned about the possibility of me being suicidal – although I'd never do such a thing to Charlie or Renée – that she was willing to delude me with whatever she thought would make me sane. But the lies only made me feel worse, because they filled me with some false hope I knew wasn't going to last.

So I took the easiest option. To save arguing, I ignored the topic completely.

"I just… I just can't believe you're here!" I sighed heavily, and leaned into Alice, embracing her and squeezing her as tightly as I could, with Alice not even noticing the difference. Of course she wouldn't, because she was a vampire. But after several moments, Alice pulled back, a serious look on her face.

"Now I'm here, Bella, I just can't sit back. I've got to get you out of here. I've got to make you start living again."

"_I am_ living!"

"Don't shit with me, Bella!" Her voice was so stern. I'd almost forgotten how intimidating she could be. Hell, she could wrap _Emmett _around her little finger. She had _Charlie _doing whatever she said! "I've been watching, so don't undermine me. Jasper is at the house in Forks. He's... He's so sorry about everything, Bella, he really is."

"He shouldn't be," I brushed her off. "It's not his fault. Tell him that for me, please?"

"He'll be pleased to hear that. He's been beating himself up too much."

"He shouldn't. I don't blame him at all. It's natural, for you guys. I - it didn't bother me, or scare me. Only him… it only bothered Edward."

"Only because he was so scared for your safety, Bella. Believe me when I say that."

I nodded, because that was the only thing I could do. I wanted to believe her, _so_ much, but it was just so hard! It made sense for him not to love me; I'd got my head around that a long time ago. I didn't understand the lies, though. And it'd take a lot more to convince me. It'd take more than Alice to even begin to budge this gaping persistence in my mind that continued to chant 'he doesn't love you.'

"Okay, so here's the plan. Bella, listen to me!" she snapped, flapping her hand in front of my face.

She'd been here – what? – half an hour and already she'd fitted straight back into my life like a glove to a hand, like a duck to water. It was just _right _for Alice to be a part of my life. And it felt so good for her to be back and to have her support.

"As I was saying, I'm going to come and visit every day, okay? I'm back at school now. I have to be, but I can come any time you want and I'll stay as long as you need. But I need you to start fixing yourself, Bella. I can only do so much."

Alice's frustration was evident through it all, pulsing from her like radiating matter. I didn't know what frustrated her most: the fact she could only do so much, when Alice was the number one control freak, or that she was angry at me for disappearing. It confused me too.

"I… I don't know _how_, Alice," I admitted. "It's like... I've forgot."

With a deep sigh, Alice said "Okay. Okay… I'll… I'll coach you through. But I'm gonna lay down some rules for you, okay?"

I nodded obediently, really hoping that this would work. Imagining that I could get out of here and have my sister/best friend back would be amazing! Only one thing could top this… but I couldn't – and wouldn't – let myself get my hopes up.

"Here, let me write them down."

She went to reach for the letter, crumpled by her side, but I reached out in protest. With a strange look on her face, she reluctantly gave it to me with a raised eyebrow, although I knew she'd read it, read through my emotions. Maybe that was what had made her so determined to help me: sympathy.

Unsurprisingly, Alice reached into her small shoulder bag and pulled out a pen and leaned over to grab the letter that Jacob had sent to me. She asked me, with her eyes, if she could use it and I waved my hands to offer my permission.

After a few moments scribbling at an unusually fast speed, Alice handed me the list.

_1. Take a long shower_

_2. Start eating!_

_3. Talk to Dr. Geller._

_4. Get out of the unit for a little while_

_5. Stop the medication_

_6. Get discharged_

"I can't do this." I shook my head, pushing the list into her hands. But she didn't take it.

"I _know _these things, Bella. If you want to achieve the final number six, you're gonna have to do the first five! I'll take you out, okay? I can take you to get your hair cut, get some new clothes, and indulge. Anything to make you feel better, and refreshed. Hell, I'll even bargain that we shop in the high street if it gets you out!"

Wow. For Alice, that was a hell of a lot. The emotion and the determination touched me, sparking fresh tears.

"Oh, number one point five. Stop crying, Bella. It's turning your eyes all puffy, and it's not a good look." She smiled cheekily at me, and I knew she was trying to ease this for me. "It's fine, Bella. I'll coach you. I'll coach you through everything."

Alice's promise made me feel so much better; the eagerness that was flowing through the words was overwhelming. Maybe I could finally do this. I wouldn't need to accept Jacob Black's stupid promise to help me do this because I'd have my real best friend to help me.

"Tell me, Alice," I requested quietly. "How is he doing?"

"Oh, Bella; I have no idea. I mean, sure, I can see him sometimes. I see him flit from one place to the other. But it's always so dark and cold where he is. It's breaking Carlisle and Esme. They don't know how to deal with it… The whole family is… slowly slipping and sliding apart. Edward's just as broken as you are."

I didn't know how to feel. On one level, I was so ecstatic that Edward was as broken as me – did that mean that he was missing me? That Alice was telling the truth and that he'd lied all along? But then I was devastated; the thought of Edward being broken, in cold, dark places, scared me so much.

"Seriously?" I breathed. "I just can't imagine it."

"Esme told me that it's like the time he had his rebellious stage. She's lost her son, and she's not happy. None of us are, Bella. If only Edward wasn't so _idiotic _and we could all go back to being so happy."

"He has his reasons," I reasoned. I couldn't have Alice insulting him as well as everyone else here.

"Bella, the validation date for his 'reasons' ran out long ago when everyone else but Edward saw how irrational and brainless he was being." Alice paused. "I have to go now, Bella. I… I promised Jasper I wouldn't be long."

Just as I was about to protest, Alice gave me a small smile and said, "I promise I'll come back."

She stood up slowly and handed me the list with the six sharp tips on, six sharp pointers that I needed to complete for my own sanity. And I was determined to complete them.

"Before I go, can you tell me why you have something so awfully scented in your room?" she accused, pointing to both the list and the bracelet with the wolf pendant on my desk where Alice had thrown it.

My face scrunched up in disgust.

"I had a visitor. Jacob Black thought he could waltz in here with a pretty gift and I'd listen to his accusations about you being monsters." I snarled the words and Alice noted that it was a touchy subject.

"Jacob Black?"

"Tall, russet skinned, lives on La Push reservation. His father is friends with Charlie."

"The reservation?" Alice asked, her eyes skimming over in a gazed sense.

"Ah-huh. He, uhm, he claimed to know things about you."

All of a sudden, Alice's eyes seemed to darken a little, turning into thick fudge rather than a beautiful gold. I watched her facial expressions change.

"Alice?"

"Don't worry about it, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow. Take a shower," she reminded with a small smile as she threw herself at me, knocking the breath out of me with her enthusiasm.

And then she seemed to fly out of the room with a graceful presence, and I heard her shout her goodbyes to the unit staff as she exited. Once she'd gone, I did exactly what the list said.

I took a shower, washing every place I could, shaving my legs completely and scrubbing my scalp until it felt perfectly clean and fully refreshed. I showered until the water turned from steaming heat to warm, and I trudged back to my room in my pyjamas.

As I lay in bed, I read through Edward's letter again, but with Alice's list in my hand too. It seemed possible to do now. I wasn't drowning anymore, or at least I could feel the rubber ring around my arms, ready to pull me out.

Alice was definitely strong. She wasn't going to let me fall back in, no matter what it took.

So as I mentally ticked off number one, I added another one to my list too; number one point five. Because when I fell asleep that night, with the scent of Alice still in the room and the promise of a visit tomorrow, I slept a tearless, peaceful sleep.

* * *

_What are you wonderful people thinking? __Is it who you were expecting?_

_Can I just remind you all (or for those of you that don't know) Fandon Gives Back auctions are starting up again soon. When I have more information, I'll put it on my profile. But please take a look if you can at their website, where you can bid on talented authors pieces of writing to help find a cure for childhood cancer. I'll be offering some of my work too :)_

_Please review. Thank you. _


	9. Chapter 9

_Sorry for the delay in this chapter. I guess I got a little preoccupied with other things. Also, I won't be able to update for another 10 days as I'm going on holiday. But don't worry - I've already written the next chapter which I can give you the minute I get home (and maybe after I've put a load of washing in :P)_

_Thanks to all of you who visited the Fandom Gives Back auctions. It ended on Saturday, and no doubt was a huge success._

* * *

Alice did come back.

That first day when she returned, Alice had brought me a new blouse and a pair of jeans. I'd grimaced when I first saw her turn up, a bag in her hand and a grin on her face, protesting asked me to try them on, but I did all the same, no thanks to her crafty manipulation techniques. The transformation from my sweats to these simple clothes was huge (especially as I couldn't wear my own jeans because they hung off my thin, bony body). It just made me look... better, healthier, happier. The fresh colours added something to my dreary, worn out posture and it kind of made me smile, in an offhandish, stubborn kind of way.

When I went to my appointment with Dr. Geller, she commented on how pretty and refreshed I looked but I blushed off the compliment and sat down on the beanbag that squelched under my dropping weight.

I noticed that the clipboard had returned to Dr. Geller's knee; Dr. Geller queried Alice's presence, a deep longing and interest in her voice. She asked me questions that were similar to ones I'd been asked when Jacob had visited, except I could answer a little bit more this time round. Alice was a friend, whereas Jacob was just a nuisance - this meant I could answer her questions a little, although my answers were short, if not a little sharp, and extremely protective. But at least I'd answered, at least I'd talked with a hint of happiness.

The glint in her eyes as she said goodbye to me, smiling after a successful but slow hour of quiet chit chat about the basic things. Because in an hour, I'd managed to speak as elated as I could. In fact, that was probably the happiest Dr. Geller had ever seen me, even though my lips were curved marginally.

Dr. Geller's notes were brief, in between the long stares as she soaked in my words. And I allowed them. I didn't feel too in the spot light or intimidated by her; I was making her happy as I progressed just that little bit further.

I think she realised that I'd found my friend now. The friend I could talk to, confide in, was not Jacob – it was Alice. To have me realise that was a huge relief because I knew with the deepest amount of certainty and trust that Alice would not be defeated. And so I'd walked back into my room with a high head.

The second day, she came with nothing. I could see her hand twitching, as if she'd lost something, and when I'd asked her about it, she'd told me sadly that Jasper had insisted she came without anything in case she overwhelmed me. I laughed at that, a sound I hadn't heard in a long time, and told Alice to stop worrying about something so silly.

Without a new outfit to try on, or another gift that could entertain and distract the two of us, we were left to talk. I encouraged Alice to do it all, seeing as my life since she'd left had consisted of my bed, school and the unit; all of which grew monotonous and tedious extremely quickly. That was if she hadn't already watched on the psychic channel.

I sat on my bed, my knees brought up to my chest as I stared intently at Alice who talked animatedly from the chair beside my bed. Looking at something so beautiful sitting on something so ordinary made me laugh; the contrast was strange to witness, and I don't think Alice was too keen to sit there for any length of time, as she replayed in as much detail as she could about different things.

She told me about how Carlisle and Esme had re-enrolled her at Forks High, and then she moved on to tell me about the people there. Angela had been nice to her, apparently, but Mike wasn't too keen on seeing her, thinking Edward had come back too. I could imagine his face when he thought that the wonderful looking, alluring man had returned and took the attention of the girls from him - the image brought me a great sense of amusement. Lauren had been a bitch, making comments about the Cullens, and how it was obviously only a matter of time before I ended up in a place like this so I could fit in with the other misfits of Forks and join their messed up family. Alice had reported her to the principal's office, after she'd calmed herself down and restrained herself from ripping that "ugly head from her manly shoulders". Again, a ripple of laughter burst from my chest at that... Alice had such a positive affect on me!

I realised how awful it must be for Alice to witness it all. Not only did she have to suffer the gruelling time there, but the mindless, insensitive comments were made about her family. Anyone could see how close the Cullens were… at least, before everyone split as Edward ordered them all to leave.

Alice continued to talk, telling me that Jasper was staying at home whilst Alice was at school, cleaning the house that had collected dust and rummage during the time it had been an empty box, and not a home. He was hunting frequently, and blaming himself by the minute; the guilt that consumed me was overpowering and I had the sudden urge to try and correct some of his regret.

When I asked about _my _school work, and how much I'd missed, Alice smiled sadly and admitted 'a lot', but quickly promised that, if I wanted to, she'd tutor me until I got back on track. I accepted gratefully, grimacing at the stacks of work that'd be waiting for me when I returned back home and got back to normal... that was if normal would ever return my way - I certainly hoped not.

And so Alice left that night begrudgingly, claiming that she could pretend to sleep on the floor. Claudia wouldn't allow it, and so I said goodbye and climbed straight into bed. I told myself I'd wake as wide eyed and alert as I possibly could for her; if Alice was making the effort, so would I.

It was on the third day that Alice offered her first piece of advice; to talk. Not to her, but to Dr. Geller. She made it clear that the changes couldn't be instant, that'd we'd have to ease our way into recovery and being discharged, and so I agreed with her.

That was a very difficult conversation.

I'd had to sit there, with my arms hugging my legs to my chest, and I spoke. But I didn't look at Dr. Geller, directing my gaze at the floor. Without the eye contact, it made things easier.

I felt like I'd created a distance between us. Dr. Geller was standing on one side of the world, and I was on the other; I whispered the words, but I still felt like I was shouting them so she could hear. I could have been alone; I could have been speaking down the phone. But I talked, and I kept my eyes on the floor.

It was harder to talk about my parents, like Alice had told me too. It was a little foggier, and Dr. Geller seemed to expect a little bit more, especially as I'd spoken warmly two days previously.

When you see a snail, or a hedgehog, if you take a small step towards them, they instantly curl into their protective ball. Well, that's what it was like.

Alice had returned and I'd used that adrenaline, shock and hope to get me through. Now, I had to slowly uncurl myself with time. At least I was talking in more detail even though my voice was monotonous, almost robotic. I think Dr. Geller was grateful, and happy to accept anything as I spoke.

I'd told her about my parents, when they'd gotten divorced, and how I ended up in Forks. For twenty minutes, I spoke about my parents at that beginning bit. I mentioned Phil, and how happy they were, even though she already knew of their lives. It seemed easier to repeat things, because I knew what was coming afterwards.

That was when I got to the part where I saw Edward in the cafeteria and I couldn't say anymore. My mouth stopped working, my throat got all tight, and Dr. Geller excused me with a comment that sounded much like, 'good progress'.

I'd ran to my room, dialled Alice's number instantly, and have her soothe me over the phone, telling me she'd be there first thing in the morning.

It was all about going one step at a time…

But I didn't want baby steps anymore. I was sick of tiny little steps; I'd been falling backwards for so long now that I had to walk so quickly to be able to catch up.

First thing, before I even woke, Alice was there. I didn't have to eat the hospital food, because she'd called at a take out breakfast restaurant and bought me pancakes.

With Alice sitting next to me, staring at me with those small golden eyes that begged me, pleaded with me, to eat something, I did. I ate two of them before I simply couldn't eat anymore, which Alice agreed with a sigh.

Then, she practiced with me. She asked me questions, about herself, my life, Edward, the rest of her family, and I had to answer them as best I could. I tried, but my chest seemed to be ripped raw at the emotional intensity the discussion held. The weight that was pressing me down didn't lighten, even though it was _Alice _talking to me. But she carried on, and so did I. I had to. I couldn't stay here any longer.

It paid off; when I came to my next session with Dr. Geller and I was able to successfully tell her about when Edward had taken me to Port Angeles for dinner. I skipped all of the secrets, all the parts that included Edward's nature, dwelling on the… date.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. To simply talk about him in detail, to someone who had no idea about the intensity of secrets and passion we'd shared. To everyone else, it seemed cliche for two high school sweethearts, and no one ever understood that it was so much more, should have been so much more... I had believed it to be so much more.

Before, I would have cried in my room. But I wasn't given that opportunity this time.

As I was walking back through the unit, my heart heavier from the conversation and memories I'd just had to share, I saw Charlie hovering outside my bedroom door with a belt in his hand – something I'd asked for a long time ago, to hold my jeans up that were too big for me now after weeks and weeks of having such a small appetite.

It scared me, to see him like that; he looked so defeated and worrisome as he stood there. I'd spoken to Charlie on the phone about three or four times a week, but his voice had never given away the gaunt and regretful expression on his face. It was like being punched, hard and forceful, when I realised I was the cause of it all.

"I've got some news for you, Bells," he said.

I grimaced, waiting for the blow that was bound to come. I let him in my room, I sat down, he sat down, we fidgeted for a bit, and he commented on the picture of Renée and Phil on the wall before finally saying what he had come to say.

"I saw Alice in Forks the other day."

Almost collapsing in relief, I let out a small giggle from the very bottom of my chest that turned Charlie's expression from complete regret to the deepest confusion.

"Bells?" he asked in disbelief. He made a move as if to rush out of the room and request someone's help because his daughter had turned hysterical. But I shook my head.

"I know." I smiled widely. "She's back. She came to see me."

I couldn't hide the elation in my voice as I spoke. It came across in my words as Charlie leaned forwards, engaged and eager to understand why Alice had come back after so long.

"She came to see me two days ago." Charlie just sat there, his face slowly bringing redness to his cheeks and the colour back into his drained face. "When she came back, she heard from someone at school that I'd been put in here. I guess she thought I could use a friend. She wanted to help."

Forcing a smile, I tried to convince Charlie with my face that my version of the truth was the correct one.

Many emotions passed over his face, with the clenching and relaxing of his fists as he thought – should he be happy for me? Should he be angry at Alice for leaving and then suddenly returning? Would he be able to forgive? What would happen now she had come back? What did that mean for the rest of the Cullens?

Apparently, Charlie's facial expressions were as easy to read as my own as I second guessed his mind.

After several minutes, he fidgeted some more and let out a chesty throat clearing cough.

"Look, Dad, she's back. You can go and talk to her. I'm sure she'd love to see you." I paused as I let that sink in.

Charlie had a soft spot for Alice anyway; she'd be easily forgiven, even if Charlie still had to get used to the idea of her being back after so long and such a devastating abandonment.

"What's she doing back, Bells? What about the others? Are the-"

"No," I said shortly before he could continue.

Charlie sighed deeply for a moment, rubbing his chin absentmindedly with his hand and glancing down into his lap. It was strange watching Charlie think things through so thoroughly in his mind… but I knew it was because he didn't want to see me hurt again. And I wanted to thank him for his concern.

"It'll be okay, Dad," I tried to promise. "Seriously. Alice's gonna help me. You know what she's like. She won't give up on me."

"Like I did?" he choked.

My eyes wandered from my hands to Charlie's face. I could see how tortured he was. His very face, his set jaw and deep sorrowful eyes portrayed so much. He couldn't lie, just like I couldn't. I suppose I should blame him for that weakness that I'd inherited.

I didn't know what to say. The dilemma that rushed through me was overwhelming. Should I agree with him? Because in some respects, he had given up and placed me in someone else's care. But in other views, he did the only thing he felt was left to do. He did what he thought would heal me.

"No…" I said slowly. "She'll just try in a different way."

Standing, Charlie exhaled loudly, placing the belt on the side of the bed as he sat beside me. The bed dipped under his weight, and the familiar scent of Charlie washed over me like a comfort blanket.

"How is… how's she helping you, then?"

Oh, no, _please. _Not this conversation with Charlie, not after a whole month of struggling to cope; I couldn't have two (three, including Dr. Geller) so determined to pull me out. Sure, they'd yank me out of the sea I was drowning in, and pull me straight into an atmosphere where I was being suffocated.

"Just… helping," I muttered awkwardly.

"I, er, I want to help, Bells. I just… don't know how."

"I know, dad - really, I do." I paused for a moment, and sighed. This fiery guilt consumed me, forcing me to tell him. He only wanted what was best for me, I could see that. "I struggle… to talk about things. Alice is just, um, coaching me through it."

Charlie cleared his throat, before grabbing hold of my hand carelessly and giving it a small, tight squeeze before letting go.

"I'm here, Bells. Just give me a call anytime."

"Will do."

For a moment, I thought Charlie wanted to say something else but he remained silent as his hand held mine. Contact like this was rare with Charlie, and I didn't find it suffocating. It was comforting, supporting; it was a way of channelling so many unspoken words through a single touch.

"I'm going to talk to Dr. what's-her-name before I go, check how she thinks you're doing. See when we can be getting you home."

"That's the plan." I smiled as Charlie's lips made contact with my cheek and he stood quietly, leaving the belt on the bed, as he walked out of the room without a backwards glance.

And talk to "what's-her-name" he did; he went, talked to her for about half an hour, before waving goodbye to me and promising to go and see Alice. The small smile on his face made me wonder whether he was secretly looking forward to seeing her again… he definitely liked her a lot.

I didn't know what Dr. Geller had told him. Was I making any progress? Maybe Dr. Geller mentioned Alice? Her presence made _such _a difference, and it was obvious to everyone who had monitored me over the last month. Maybe that's why Charlie was so eager to see her again when he waved goodbye – because a professional had told him Alice was good for my health?

But I didn't need a professional. I could feel it with every night I slept without tears, and every extra bite that I took out of my sandwich. I could feel it with every step I took, getting closer and closer to the end of the list.

* * *

_Things have been pretty slow lately, so if you're still with me, still reading along and enjoying the ride, please leave me a review with your thoughts. Thank you :)_


	10. Chapter 10

_Hi guys! I'm back from my holiday and, as promised, here is the next chapter of Broken Spirit! I'm really tired, and quite tanned, and I had a generally great time!_

_Thanks for the response of the last chapter :) I'm pleased you're liking where this story is going!_

* * *

The list was clenched firmly in my hand. The paper creases dug into the palms of my sweaty hands that kept tensing and relaxing in anxiety and anticipation. So far, I'd accomplished up to number four on the list, and the way I ticked them off one by one gave me a huge sense of achievement.

Take a shower? Check.

Start eating? Check… in small doses.

Talk to Dr. Geller? Check; I'd spoken to her in detail about my parents, about how I first met Edward, and our first date. After Charlie had visited, I took a deep breath and walked the length to the room where Dr. Geller was.

She'd been shocked at my sudden and unexpected presence, but quickly recovered from it with a warming smile that could melt the coldest and determined of hearts, asking me if I wanted a seat and why I'd come to find her. I broke down into tears; I couldn't decide whether it was an effect of her kindness, Charlie's emotion and sense of failure when he couldn't help it, or the desperation to finally move forward.

With tear-stained cheeks, I sobbed my way through the gruelling tale of the forest. I re-lived detail after detail; the way he told me his parents were leaving and he had to go too, the way he told me that he couldn't see me again.

As my chest shook under the pressure of the memories, my eyes flooded with the sharpened images of the leafy forest, and how I'd run after him in my feeble attempt to delay his departure. But I'd failed. I relayed this failure to Dr. Geller, who had a tear in her own eye by the end of my confession, my heart wrenching explanation as to why I'd fallen so deep when he'd left.

Why? Because I was so unexplainably in love with him. I'd fallen in love, but in the process I'd tripped and fallen over. Edward went to go and pick me up, but in the process, decided to leave. It took me by surprise. There was no warning. So when Edward pulled his hand away, I hit the floor harder.

She told me she understood told me that it was natural for me to feel some rejection and loss over my first love.

What I failed to tell her was that Edward was my _only _love. She'd never understand that part. Dr. Geller, along with the rest of the fragile human world, failed to recognise the irony and importance of the word 'eternity'.

And so Alice was moving me onto step four: Get out of the unit for a little while.

First of all, she'd commented on my split ends that I really couldn't care about. But in true Alice style, she convinced me that it was in my best interests to begin to look healthier. I obliged, and I'd sat through a gruelling forty five minutes of a upper class hairdresser trying to make casual chit chat with Alice and I as she chopped a couple of inches off my hair.

The list never once left my hand as I kept it held tightly there. It was my support, along with the annoyingly eager Alice for me to have highlights. One filthy look got her swallowing her suggestion whole.

Afterwards, I felt drained. After so long, I'd finally ventured out of the unit's walls and breathed the fresh air of Seattle. It was different, and a little overwhelming but mostly draining. My energy levels took a swoop low.

As we made our way back to the car, Alice began to hum gently as we sat down. The sky was cloudy, but Alice was wearing a full length shirt and skinny jeans, just in case. I knew she'd packed a head scarf too, and that's just in case her vision didn't forewarn her of the sun.

But as Alice had said, I'd disappeared when I was in no danger. Suicide had been far from my mind, so what had caused me to become one of Alice's blank spots? For a moment, I wondered whether Alice was telling me the complete truth but I brushed the concern away hastily when I saw her wide hurt eyes as my thought process that must have shown clearly across my face.

"Where are we going, Alice?" I asked impatiently as we drove through the roads at a ridiculous speed, the view outside the windows blurring.

"Well, I thought you'd enjoy a little different company. Besides, Jazz is dying to see you," she smiled as I turned to look at her with my own curved lips.

As much as I wanted to see Jasper, I couldn't really bring myself to look at him. Sure, it wasn't his fault. But I knew already what I'd see if I looked into his golden eyes; hurt, regret, shame. And he didn't deserve to feel such torturous emotions.

Alice started talking then, going on about how difficult it had been to trick the school into allowing Alice back. It's not as if Carlisle and Esme were _there_. Alice had asked them to go back, of course, but they'd both refused.

"Esme had said that Edward wouldn't go back to Forks, so she needed to be in a place where he could go to her for help," Alice explained, just as my stomach sunk at her words.

"Wouldn't go back to Forks?" I echoed.

"I couldn't give her false hope," Alice muttered quietly.

"But me?" I choked. "You could give me anything that got me out of that place, right?"

The betrayal was evident in my voice, even to me. And Alice didn't ignore it either, as the car took a quick swerve into the side of the road. As the breaks were slammed, the seatbelt dug into my shoulder roughly and Alice turned to me.

"You aren't the only victim, Bella. Sure, I feel awful for you. I can't imagine… Jasper… okay, I get it," she said quickly and shortly. "But you have to understand that the _whole _family was implicated. Every single one is distraught. I came back to help you. But I couldn't go promising Esme miracles because I didn't know what would happen when I got here. I wasn't going to intervene. God, sometimes Bella, I thought you'd killed yourself, remember?"

Slowly, I tried to get the seat to absorb me into its fabric, blend into the material and slowly sink away. But it didn't do that. I stared into Alice's golden eyes feeling embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Sighing, Alice turned to me again.

"No, _I'm _sorry. My idiotic, stubborn, foolish…" the insults continued as Alice muttered obscenities under her breath, making it clear that she was focusing her anger on Edward. It was _almost_ humorous.

Bit by bit, the scenery outside the window blended into the dreary green-ness of Forks. I smiled at its familiarity and the sense of home that overcame me. Alice drove the short way to the Cullen house, where my heart stopped as soon as the sight hit me.

Alice's hand reached mine with a comforting squeeze, and I made my way out of the car and took a single step towards the house before my legs buckled.

At my side instantly was Jasper, his arms under mine to support and steady me.

"Thank you," I smiled warmly at him.

He hadn't changed at all, not that I'd expected him too. Maybe his eyes were deeper, darker, but it wasn't thirst that had changed him, I realised sadly.

"You're welcome,"

His voice echoed in my mind, and my heart missed a beat. Slowly but surely, I would get all of the Cullen's back into my life. Or the majority of them. I _had_ to. I didn't want to think about what would happen to me if I didn't.

"Had your hair cut, Bella?" He asked, his southern accent running deep.

Nodding quickly, I laughed when Alice shot us both a look. She indicated for us to go inside, and we both followed, Jasper first.

"Jasper, I, uhm, need to say something," I muttered quietly when we'd made it into the house. Hardly anything had changed, besides the odd piece of furniture and it was a comfort for me. "I don't want you to blame yourself."

Jasper nodded solemnly, and his eyes passed on the 'thank you' that he wanted to express, but couldn't.

"Okay, enough of that," Alice snapped with a clap of her hands. "You want something to eat?"

Just as I was about to shake my head, I felt the crumple of paper that was still in my hand, gulped back my resistance and nodded weakly with a small smile.

"Excellent," Alice grinned with an encouraging nod, rushing into the kitchen leaving Jasper and I.

Jasper moved over to the sofa, and I took comfort in one of the chairs. It felt strange to be sitting back here; I'd only been here in my luckiest dreams when I'd thought of this place. It seemed like a distant land before, but I was finally back to the place where it felt so right. My eyes scanned the large room before the silence was broken by Jasper.

"She's missed you,"

"I've missed her too,"

"I'm sorry,"

"Don't. Don't apologise, please,"

Jasper nodded his head faintly, almost in defeat.

"When she couldn't see you, she was distraught. I rarely see her so worked up. I'm pleased you're okay."

"I'm fine," I answered robotically. "Or at least I'm getting there,"

"Pleased to hear it," he grinned widely, his teeth shining with a wicked brightness. "I… Alice told me you mentioned Jacob Black. Are you two friends?"

"Used to be," I answered, trying to keep the distaste from clouding my words.

"That's very wise, Bella. He's, erm, shall we say, unpleasant to be around." Jasper's lips twitched with the ghost of a snarl present on his pale lips.

"Do you know him?"

"I know _of _him. And his friends. They're… irrational, irresponsible and unreliable. Maybe it is wrong, and slightly hypocritical of me to say, but they're dangerous also. They are bad company."

"What do you mean?"

"I know Edward would like me to give you the heads up, that's all."

"What do you know?"

"Nothing, Bella, nothing."

His dismissive tone sparked a curiosity in me that spread like wild fire throughout me. Secrets? Really? After everything, even though he and Alice had come back, there was still going to be secrets?

"I want to know," I demanded.

But we were interrupted, probably on cue, by Alice who came in with a plate of cheese and cucumber sandwiches and glass of cola. She placed the plate in front of me gently and looked at me eagerly, waiting for me to take a bite. "Number two, Bella," she reminded as I slipped the list into my jeans pockets and reached for a sandwich.

"Jasper was telling me you know Jacob Black. You never said, Alice?" I said, almost accusing as Alice shot Jasper a look. They should have known I wouldn't let this drop.

"Know _of _him," Alice corrected with an innocent smile.

"Tell me."

"Jacob Black and his pack of mutts are not a topic of conversation that I want to discuss, okay, Bella?" Alice said cleverly, but I kept eye contact with her.

"Don't start with me, Alice. I can't deal with the lies anymore. Tell me!"

Alice and Jasper exchanged a glance before an unspoken agreement was decided between the two of them. As the mouthpiece, Jasper opened his mouth to talk, and I only hoped he provided me with information I wanted to hear.

"Alice figured it out when she saw the letter and the bracelet. The scent that came with them wasn't pleasant either. So when she returned home, she phoned Carlisle. Carlisle reminded them of a certain agreement we came to with Jacob Black and his friends on La Push reservation, and agrees with us that he is not good company. He's a werewolf, Bella. And a werewolf's nature is to destroy vampires."

My mind began to spin, my eyes began to blur.

Werewolves? Seriously?

When would this surrealism and supernatural insanity end?

"Jacob Black is a werewolf?" I repeated in disbelief. "Are you kidding me?"

"Nope," Alice chimed in with a heavy sigh.

"He told me to stay away from him," I breathed. "When he visited me, he told me to stand back from him."

"That's why I couldn't see you, Bella. They're… a blind spot to me. An advantage for them, I assume. That's why you disappeared, because Jacob was visiting you."

"How is that… possible?"

"Well, don't we get asked that question a lot," Alice grinned. "You need to stay away from him so I can keep my eye on you, got it?"

Raising my eyebrow at her, Alice's gaze hardened. Her jaw set into a line as she challenged me.

"You scared me, Bella. And I don't like being scared. You're to stay away from him."

"Geez, calm down!" I surrendered, raising my hands in the air when Alice took a threatening, yet playful, step towards me with a fixated stare in my direction. "He was obnoxious and rude when he came to visit. I'm in no hurry to see him again."

"But can we go and see Charlie for a bit?" I requested gingerly. "Have you seen him yet?"

Alice shook her head. "Jasper said he called round yesterday but I was food shopping so you could eat here today."

Looking at Jasper, he shot me another guilty smile which I dismissed with an impatient heavy sigh. I guess things would take a while to right itself… as long as we had time. Did we have time, though? I mean, sure, Alice and Jasper did; Carlisle and Esme had all the time in the world. But me? What did I have? A diagnosed depression, a hole in my heart and a timer that ticked with every breath, counting down to my dying day.

My thoughts were cut short by Alice's penetrative stare, but I stood up and brushed the crumbs off my lap. Alice told me I should eat another one, but I told her I couldn't; two was plenty for now. One step at a time, I reminded her.

And so I asked if we could go and see Charlie again.

Jasper kindly excused him from the visit, with the reason that he'd never really known Charlie and needed to go on a little hunting trip. That was something neither of us could deny him, for Charlie's safety as well as everyone else's.

Before I left, I wrapped my arms tightly around Jasper and inhaled deeply. That scent was there again… that wonderful vampire smell. I let go quickly before Alice physically removed me from her love, and looked away bashfully as she kissed him goodbye.

The drive was short and familiar, but brought back memories that sent a shivering ache through my bones. Thankfully, my tears ducts remained faithful and that was something I focused on… I _was _slowly healing.

When Alice pulled up on the drive, my heart beat a little faster. It felt so good to be back after so long of being away. Just the image etched into my mind. After everything, the reason why I wasn't at home had taken priority. Because of everything else, the confusion, the hurt, I'd forgot how much I actually missed being here and Charlie.

"Bells?"

Charlie's voice sounded as I pulled myself out of the car. He was standing in the doorway, with a pack of beer in his hand.

"I got Alice to bring me. As a surprise."

"You hate surprises," he pointed out as if that explained anything.

"I'm a changed person." I laughed weakly. "If you're going out… then that's fine. Alice can take me back, its o-"

"No, no. I was just gonna nip down to Billy's. I'll call him." He turned to go inside but saw Alice and me hovering beside the car. His face drowned with regret as he spoke with a feeble whisper. "Have you really been gone so long you can't come in without being asked?"

"No!" I lied quickly so as not to hurt his feelings, and hurriedly walked forwards with Alice in toe.

Being inside the house felt strange but normal at the same time: the contrast of these feelings made my head spin and my stomach cramp. The senses, the sights… it was almost too much, but I walked in and stood in the kitchen whilst Charlie made a phone call.

When he glanced over, I got myself a drink just to busy myself and make Charlie believe I felt at home. It felt like I'd been pushed right back to when I'd first come to Forks – the awkwardness. Alice flittered off upstairs for something with the pathetic excuse she needed the bathroom. Well, that was one of the biggest lies I'd ever heard.

"Called Billy," Charlie told me when he came into the kitchen, cracking open of the cans in his hand. "He said he'd drop by here instead, wants to see how you're getting on."

I forced my eyebrows to stay where they were.

"That's… nice?" I brought the glass of water to my lips and took a sip, cursing at my idiotic idea of coming here. Billy would only add to the awkward atmosphere… I should have called first, I thought.

"Yeah… He and Jake will be here in about ten minutes."

"What?" I choked, watching Charlie move over to the kitchen table and take a seat wearily. I think, by the look on his face, he knew that I was referring to Jacob.

"He can't drive himself, Bells."

"But… _Jacob_?"

The image of the hefty Jacob tinted my vision, in the shadows of everywhere I looked. To try and rid the image, I closed my eyes but he lingered there too. He was… dangerous. Alice and Jasper had said. Why would I want him here? It'd taken an age for me to get rid of him at the unit!

"I know you're not keen, but he's Billy's son. I'm not falling out with Billy over this, Bells," Charlie told me, and I sighed. I could hardly blame him for keeping his friends. Alice took that moment to return. Eyeing her sceptically, I watched as she took a seat opposite Charlie.

"Alice," he said curtly.

"Charlie." Alice offered him one of her heart-winning smiles.

"You're back."

"Yup," she said, popping the 'p'. "I wanted to help Bella. I was coming to see you soon anyway."

"What about… Ed-_him? _Is he back too?"

I don't know why he was asking Alice and not me, maybe because it was easier to get an answer out of Alice because she, unlike me, was responsive. I knew he wasn't keen on Alice being back, Alice being the one to help me and succeed. Although I could tell he was grateful too.

"No. He's staying with Esme's cousin in California for a little while," she lied fluently with a pretty smile.

To the two of them, I might as well have not been there. I stood and sipped my water as Alice apologised to Charlie for leaving, emphasising she didn't have a choice.

"It's Bella you need to apologise to, not me." Charlie shrugged, but I insisted she already had. I wanted apologies out of the way so we could just move on. But as the conversation was coming to a close, we couldn't reach another topic of chit chat as an engine sounded on the driveway.

"That'll be Billy," Charlie informed, standing up to greet him.

"And Jacob," I added bitterly, exchanging a fearful look with Alice whose nose wrinkled in disgust as she let out a loud sigh.

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_So that's that! Please review with your thoughts :) Thank you!_


	11. Chapter 11

_I like this chapter and I hope you do too :) Wow, shortest authors note I've ever done xD :P_

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As Billy wheeled himself inside the house, a pack of beer resting in his lap, my eyes wandered to Jacob and flicked between him and Alice. Jacob pushed his way forward to stand in front of me and I saw his flickering eyes graze Alice before settling on me.

"You look well," he observed quietly. For a moment, I thought he was going to pull me into him, but he found distraction by clenching and relaxing his fists. "You're back, then?"

"Obviously," Alice muttered quietly with a roll of her eyes.

Jacob didn't take her tone lightly, and he sighed heavily. Alice pulled me back into her as she stood protectively around me.

"I know your kind," she warned.

"And I know yours."

I guess both of them thought the other was dangerous; both looked on edge and ready to protect me. Both thought the other was a monster. I didn't know much about Jacob, but I knew Alice was not. And even when I thought about Jacob being a monster, I struggled to picture it; being rude, obsessiv, and having different views from me didn't make you a monster, did it?

Billy and Charlie were oblivious to our confrontation, both of them setting up the TV so they could access the screen easily, and sharing out the beers evenly. For all the attention he was paying me, Charlie might as well have gone to Billy's.

Jacob took a step towards me, his hand outstretched as if to take my wrist into his palm, but Alice snapped it away with a short, firm slap.

"I can't protect you here, Bella." Jacob looked apologetic. "It's _their _turf."

"I've never wanted you to protect me, Jacob."

His eyes brushed against Alice again, this time with less arrogance after my comment.

"Charlie, then. He needs protecting now there's a threat here."

My eyes shot up to meet Jacob's in a sudden fear that flooded through me at great speed. I could tell by Jacob's tone that he wasn't on about Alice anymore... Alice, obviously feeling something similar to my anxiety, glanced at Charlie who was talking animatedly to Billy about the team being put out for the night's game.

"Can, uhm…" I began, "let's go somewhere to talk?"

"Bella," Alice warned, shaking her head, but I didn't listen to her.

"He's talking about Charlie's safety! And I don't want to talk about this _here._"

Reluctantly, Alice nodded her head slowly and took my hand in hers. Jacob walked out of the house first, as I excused myself from Charlie for a moment who nodded absently, and we stood outside. This kind of privacy would have to do.

As always, Forks was cloudy. But I saw Alice getting nervous now that her line of sight had been blocked by Jacob. All it took was the sun to break through the clouds just a fraction, and Alice would suddenly be a diamond-girl so I decided to hurry things along.

"What the hell are you on about, Jacob?" I demanded.

"Some vampire has been hanging around," he sighed heavily, giving Alice an evil stare. "It took us a while to act, a week or so, 'cause we thought one of the Cullen's had come back. But we checked, and they weren't. Male, olive skinned and dark hair. Ran away before we could get him."

Instantly, Alice's eyes met mine.

"What?" My hand shot to my mouth.

"Laurent is back?" Alice followed suit, glancing around her as if she expected him to be lurking somewhere.

"There are two of them, we reckon. Similar scents each time, but some differences." Jacob informed us, but then shot Alice a sly glance. "Although, we can't protect you now. This is _their _turf; we can't protect here."

"Wait, what about Charlie?" I asked, frantically worrying as my mind ached with fear.

The very thought of losing Charlie was… unbearable. Not now, not after all of this. It wasn't fair to have this tested, and tried, for him to be in any kind of danger. Was he in danger? Was _I _in danger? Or were these vampires just passing through, completely intent on leaving without causing harm?

Who was I kidding? Sure, the Cullens weren't dangerous but they were the exception. Any others were vicious, blood thirsty predators.

"Well, Billy's been keeping him at ours for the majority of the time."

"And Jasper can keep an eye on him here," Alice added. "And I'll be helping you at the hospital."

"And the rest of your lot?" Jacob asked with a sneer, his body twitched when Alice mentioned hospital; obviously, the rejection was still raw.

"Aren't here and won't be in the near future."

Jacob looked from Alice to me with a confused look plastered on his face that added to his gormless features, a nice change from arrogance.

"Just two of you?" Jacob repeated in almost shock. I nodded my head to back Alice up, as if he'd just accused him of lying, but he nodded his head in acceptance a minute later. "I best call the pack."

Alice snorted at this, loudly and sarcastically.

"Shut it, leech," Jacob hissed.

Just as Jacob reached into his pocket to pull out his cell phone, it began to ring and vibrate in his palm. We all exchanged small looks amazed at the phones supposed physic abilities. I stared intently as Jacob accepted the call and brought it to his ear.

"Yeah?" Jacob asked, talking into the phone. Alice and Jacob's reactions were identical, suddenly rigid and tense; I'd obviously missed a vital part of this conversation, maybe through my feeble human hearing abilities.

"Shit," Jacob hissed before rushing off into the distance.

But just before he reached the forest after skidding over the footpath, a giant wolf erupted from his body, pieces of clothes flying in several directions as his body became too big to house them. My mouth dropped instantly as I stared in complete and utter shock at the scene in front of me. Lucky for him, no body was around to witness the outburst.

I didn't realise Alice beside me was dialling a number on her own cell, and muttering hurriedly into the device.

"Bella, come with me," she said, yanking my arm swiftly and pulling me in a similar direction of Jacob's and we were running through the forest at a fast speed.

Only briefly did my mind acknowledge that we were leaving Charlie, but Jacob had mentioned that Billy had been trying to help; was Billy in on all this too?

My feet skipped over the rocks as I skimmed the air, my arm attached to Alice as she tugged and pulled me through the depths of the forest (at a pace that was quick for me, slow for Alice) my face and arms being scratched at by the poking branches.

It wasn't until we were running (or dragged) for several minutes that I felt a sharp jab near my elbow. My body slammed into Alice by the sudden lack of speed, and the impact knocked me backwards and my head slammed against the rocky floor.

"Bella," Alice breathed quietly, but then I saw her mouth clamp shut as she blocked off her senses.

On my arm, there was a small, hairline cut. But that was enough for a bead of blood to collect along the line, oozing from the wound in a tempting manner. Alice took a single step backwards.

Her eyes glazed over all of a sudden, before they were brought back to life with a sudden gasp. Leaning down, she grabbed my hand roughly and picked me up. To be carried by something so small was a strange feeling, and I clamped my eyes shut the second she took off at her full speed.

The force of the wind against my face caused my mouth to dry, and the slap against my bleeding arm was like a stab every time it hit.

"They're coming," she informed me breathlessly as we neared familiar territory. But Alice didn't continue down that path; instead, she took a ninety degree turn and ran faster, if possible, through more trees. It seemed

In Alice's arms, I uncomfortably adjusted myself so I could yank my cardigan from around my body, shuffling so it was positioned over the cut. It masked the sight of it, but would the scent be tainted at all by a piece of fabric?

"Where are we going?"

Alice looked down at me for a moment, her darkened eyes full of fear, worry and bloodlust. She gulped.

"Away from Jasper, away from the vampires." Her head shot up. "La Push."

And then the speed picked up again.

Within minutes, with my wind swept hair, and aching arm, Alice placed me against the sands of the beach, where she grabbed my hand again and directed me towards the house. I recognised it vaguely; it looked oddly familiar, at least.

There was a wolf guarding the door, who jumped up upon seeing us, baring his razor sharp teeth and snarling viciously instantly.

"No, no!" Alice hissed. "Bella, Bella Swan." She pointed at me exasperatedly. "I'm here. Bella. She's hurt. The other vampires." For once, Alice had lost all kinds of grace as she stuttered her words of protest.

I staggered forwards, dizziness overcoming me as my knees buckled underneath me. I'd gone from no life, no excitement, and no company for months to a suddenly whirlwind of action played right in front of my eyes; adrenaline and emotions I thought I wouldn't see again.

"Where's… Jacob?" I asked quietly, wondering why I'd asked for him. Actually, why had Alice brought me here? She seemed to have figured it out in her head, assured that LaPush would be safe. In all honesty, I was almost certain it would be for me, but for Alice? Vampires and werewolves hated each other! I knew that _already_.

"The blood," she huffed, trying not to use all her breath. The shadow under her eyes, the deepness of her black orbs was enough to tell me she was fighting her raging thirst.

The wolf rushed forwards, pushing me onto the floor with its overlarge snout before snarling at Alice again.

But I scrambled to my feet in a hurry, shoving it back with as much strength as I could muster; the wolf didn't even move, but its head turned to me in a slow, angered look. Which one was this? Was there a human underneath all this matted, thick fur? Did I know any of them? I wasn't very familiar with the LaPush tribe, but Charlie was. Did he know any of these wolves?

"She's my _friend. _She won't hurt us." I tried to tell the wolf… _the wolf – _oh god, if I went back to the unit telling Dr. Geller of _this, _I'd be signed off as mentally ill for life!

Suddenly, a growl erupted from behind us and I jumped backwards to see another wolf. Alice looked around hurriedly, as if in a dilemma to leave or not. Her face was fixed with concentration; she was trying to _see _but the wolves made it impossible.

The wolf that had just arrived stood on his back paws and shook his head before returning his paws to the ground… as a human.

Jacob was standing in front of me, naked, with a gash across his face that was oozing blood. My instincts were to glance at Alice, make an attempt to hold her back or offer my support – she'd done so much to help me, she didn't deserve this torment.

But her face wrinkled with disgust at the scent of his blood.

"They… they're… dead," Jacob breathed heavily, his chest heaving as he inhaled and exhaled furiously, supplying oxygen to himself. "Two red eyes, we took them out. Golden eyes? Is he yours?"

Alice's hand shot to her mouth as she nodded anxiously. My heart dropped. Had they killed Jasper?

"Thought so. He helped. Completely destroyed the red headed one with almost no help."

"Victoria was here as well?" I asked in complete shock. Why? What did they want? "They're definitely dead?"

"And burned," Jacob added maliciously. When Jacob looked sideways, I followed his eyes to see a mass of smoke clouding the air. Jacob wrinkled his nose, so I assumed there was a stench that a measly human like my was unable to smell.

"Bella, we need to go. I need to see Jasper," Alice almost dry sobbed. Her face was etched in worry as she took hold of my hand.

"Wait," Jacob demanded, coming to stand in front of us with a few steady strides. I kept my eyes on his face, and not his nude body as he spoke. Loudly, clearly, and almost threatening, he said, "You aren't supposed to be here. The treaty, remember?"

"Bella got cut. I thought it was the safest place considering your hatred towards vampires and determination to protect humans." Alice pulled the cardigan away from my arm where the blood had leaked its way onto the skin, drying into a flaky path of red liquid.

"You need to clean it," Jacob advised but Alice was already pulling me a way from him. "And _do not _come back," he shouted after us. Her grip was strong, but only as strong as a human; she was being gentle with me, unlike earlier in her haste.

The trees provided me with a blanket of comfort, especially now I was certain that the creatures buried beneath its canopies were all friends… or at least not enemies.

"I still can't see him," Alice said with gritted teeth, frustration rattling from her tongue as she spoke.

My mind was a blur, my memories were a blur; everything had passed so quickly. Before I could even really acknowledge something was dreadfully wrong, it was done and gone. Over. That's what was so wrong with me. I couldn't keep up. I couldn't fight, I couldn't protect myself. I couldn't even keep up.

My speed, when I wasn't tripping or falling or stalling another way, was still tragically slow compared to the speed that these supernatural beings were capable of. Vampires and werewolves? In comparison, I was nothing more than a weak human who couldn't take care of herself… always the one to be protected, never the one to protect.

The worthlessness, the incapability hit me as Alice held my hand on the way back. I felt like a child with her mother… I felt so inadequate; I could have burst into tears.

That was what was wrong… always. My safety, or lack of it; the danger I attracted, the danger I created when it seemed it was impossible. It always happened for _me. _And that's why Edward had left, surely? If he loved me like Alice said, then he must have left because I was human… because we weren't equal?

"Bella, can you walk quicker, please?" Alice sounded desperate; the connection between Jasper and Alice was indescribable.

I tried to pick up my pace without falling over, tripping or cutting myself further. Any more injuries seemed to be just asking someone to come and kill me.

Soon enough, we reached the Cullen house; Jasper was waiting impatiently inside. Although he was sitting down, I saw the way he kept looking at us, as if hurrying our approach.

"Jazz," Alice breathed, letting go of my hand and rushing forwards. The power and need of the embrace almost knocked me backwards… the need, the desperation, the way they weren't whole without each other. I wanted that. I wasn't whole. I wasn't even half… I was empty.

I stood awkwardly watching the two of them as Alice peppered Jazz in kisses, grazing his cheek every so often and brushed against his arm, muttering her affections. I briefly caught, 'she bit me' from Jasper but my brain didn't recognise the consequences or effects of that.

When they finally pulled apart, I moved a little more comfortably.

"What did they want?"

Jasper looked uncomfortable for a second, but controlled himself quickly before he spoke. "I was hunting, and I could smell the scent of the vampires. I could feel them… revenge was flooding off them. I heard them too, mentioning Edward… and you."

"Me?"

"A mate for a mate; Edward killed James. Victoria wanted to kill you," Jasper explained. My blood ran cold. "It seemed they'd been planning it for a while. They noticed... noticed we were out of town, and thought they'd act. What they didn't expect was the wolves to be there, ready to protect you. And me, too."

"Oh," was all I could say.

"I think I should take you back now, Bella," Alice said, a hint of sadness in her voice.

All I could do was nod, my body overcome with shock that seemed to close off my throat. I walked over to Jasper and pulled him into a hug; the wound on my arm had dried, but I felt Jasper tense in the close proximity of the blood, so I pulled back after a moment's embrace.

"See you soon," I smiled. "And thank you."

"No problem, Bella. Take care of yourself."

"Can you wait in the car, please?" Alice asked, throwing me the keys and I nodded my head again.

Walking outside, I felt the coldness of the late afternoon grow worse into a cold evening. I got in the car slowly and turned the heater on when I was in there. Through the window, I saw the silhouettes of Jasper and Alice kissing passionately as they said goodbye and the jealousy hit me again.

I fiddled with the dial on the radio so I wasn't in silence while I waited and took the time to text Charlie and tell him I was okay and Alice was taking me back. Soon enough, Alice came out with a small bag that she threw into the backseat of the car and took the keys off me.

"Ready to go?" She asked me although she'd already switched the engine on so I didn't answer.

The drive was silent mainly, apart from Alice humming. It was one of the first times I'd seen Alice so… quiet. Shock obviously affected vampires too, and loss and worry; she'd feared for Jasper today, but instead of rushing to his aid, she had to baby-sit me.

She spoke to me occasionally, asking me how I felt. She talked a little about Jacob and his pack, and told me about the treaty: how many years ago, they'd set out to kill Carlisle but hadn't when Carlisle had convinced them they were 'vegetarians'. And the treaty was that if they remained safe to humans, they wouldn't attack them.

But that was it, and the tale was over pretty quick; it only filled about a quarter of the journey.

When we arrived, Alice walked me inside. I passed Dr. Geller in the hall who was going home for the evening and she asked me how my day was, to which I replied 'eventful and a refreshing wake up call'. I told her I'd talk to her tomorrow, and wished her goodnight.

Claudia was my nurse for the night, and I checked in with her. Alice accompanied me to my room, and sat down in the chair with a heavy sigh.

"I'm okay now, Alice, you can go."

"I'm staying the night, Bella." She pointed to her little bag she'd brought with her.

"What about Jasper? He's… in shock too, right?"

Alice looked into her lap for a minute and that at me. "Yes, but I can't be selfish right now, and neither can he. You need me more; you need me because of what our family did to you. And I can't abandon those responsibilities."

"I don't want to be a responsibility. That's not what I want," I tried to protest.

"You aren't but I still have responsibilities. You are my sister and my best friend, and you need me." She paused for a moment, and I couldn't really argue; I did need her. "I got you something today."

"Alice, you've already done so m-"

She cut me off. "It's nothing. Technically, it's already yours." Reaching down, she pulled her bag into her lap and delved inside. "I saw him hide them… and I thought it was wrong. I didn't have the opportunity to do anything about it until today," she told me.

In her hand was a picture; a picture of Edward and I. And my CD that Edward had made me, as well as plane tickets to Florida.

"Oh, Alice," I breathed, reaching out to take the picture from her hand and tracing Edward's pale figure with the index finger. I felt a small tear trickle down my cheek. "He hid it? Why?"

"It'll be as if he never existed," she whispered, "but he could never truly take it away."

"Did you see him say that?" I asked on instinct.

"Yes and no. I heard him practising too, thinking out all the different ways to say it and watching how the future changed with each one." She sounded guilty.

"Did you see _this?_" I indicate to my surroundings; my uncomfortable bed, the suffocating walls.

"No, not then."

"Would it have made a difference?"

"Probably not. He would have found another way, another opportunity. Because he genuinely believed you are better without him."

"He's wrong."

"I know that, you know that. He doesn't. Yet. But there's time."

"How long till he realises?"

Alice sighed. "I don't know… But I do know you need to sleep. Hell, you've had a long day."

I looked down at the picture, at the CD, at the tickets and smiled. They were mine… he'd never really took them away from me.

"I thought you might want this too," Alice said, handing over a portable CD player to me. My heart soared.

As I slipped the CD into the player, I brought the head phones to my ears.

"Thank you," I whispered to Alice as I lay down, fully clothed, and let the music flood over me.

It was a miracle in itself. Although it wasn't as good as the real thing, nor as wonderful as having the tune drip from Edward's humming lips, I still felt elated as I drifted off because I fell asleep listening to _my_ lullaby.

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_The thing that I'm trying to do with this AU story is to make the things that happen from the outside angles the same, you know? Just because Bella is in a unit, it doesn't mean that everyone else's lives have stopped. Victoria and Laurent were still gonna come for Bella, but that wasn't the main focus of the story, so I thought I'd briefly cover it._

___Thanks so much for reading this! If you're still with me, then drop me a review and let me know you're still there! :) _


	12. Chapter 12

_AN: I've had a lot of people asking me when Edward is coming back; I assure you he is coming back. I couldn't write this story if he wasn't. I'm not 100% sure when yet... but it won't be too long, I guarantee you. I''m guessing two or three chapters... I have a couple more things I want to do before he returns. _

_Thanks for all your support last chapter; it was great to hear that I still had my readers!_

_I hope you enjoy this chapter. _

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Alice woke me up late the next morning. She shook me gently until my eyes slowly opened, and she mentioned that if I didn't wake up now, I'd sleep all day – something I didn't have any immediate protests against. She then reminded me that I needed to do some serious grovelling today, convince Dr. Geller I was some miracle who'd been healed. Or was at least working on it.

"You've stayed all night?" I asked, looking around and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I felt the CD player laying beneath one of my thighs which I quickly removed, smiling as I remembered the peaceful sleep that the comforting lullaby had brought me.

"I said I would."

On the chair she'd sat in was a pile of magazines and a book with a meadow field on the front cover. It didn't seem Alice's type, so I eyed her suspiciously.

"Look, I know Edward can stare at you all night, but by about the second hour, you got pretty boring." She sounded a little irritated, but playful at the same time so I laughed along with her quietly as I tried to look offended. I think my acting skills let me down because Alice laughed harder.

I always had wondered what was so fascinating about me. Nothing, it seemed, was the right answer. Plain, boring, old Bella.

"You have your list?" she asked, sitting down in the chair after moving the items off of it so quickly that my mind didn't have time to register it.

"Yeah," I muttered, fumbling around in my jeans, the one's I'd slept it, to find the crumpled piece of paper.

"Open it out," Alice instructed. The paper crumbled and crackled as I unrolled it, trying to flatten it out against my leg. The writing was legible, at least, after all of the folding and unfolding that it had been through.

"Remind me what's next on the list."

"Erm, stop the medication," I read.

Alice looked stumped for a moment, before yanking the paper from my hand. She reached into her bag, pulling out a pen from god-knows where, and scribbled something on the sheet. After a minute, she hands it back to me and her improvements are obvious.

There is a straight line through 'stop the medication', and the little '6' besides 'get discharged' has been skilfully sculpted into a '5'.

"Remind me what's next on the list," she repeated, her lips twisted into a small, playful smile.

"Get discharged." I answered mechanically.

"And how do we do that?"

I scowled at her patronising tone, but I cannot deny the help she provided me with. Rolling my eyes, I answered her. "Talk to Dr. Geller. A lot,"

"Right," Alice beamed. "I woke you up with half an hour to spare. You took longer waking up than I expected," I raised an eyebrow, "and because of our _lovely _little chit chat, you've got ten minutes."

"Alice, the rooms about fifteen paces from where we're sitting. That's plenty of time," I pointed out to her. Surely, for a vampire she couldn't half be stupid.

"Yes, because turning up looking like _that _and asking to be discharged will get you exactly what you want," Alice chided sarcastically.

Mumbling under my breath, knowing full well she could hear my curses, I swung myself out of bed and over to my clothes. I swapped yesterday's creased t-shirt for a somewhat nice one, and switched my underwear. I used a packet of baby wipes to wipe the blood off my cut that had dried stubbornly on my skin, but Alice chastised me for being so stupid and ran off for some antiseptic wipes.

By the time she'd returned, I had two minutes left but at least I'd brushed my hair and cleaned my teeth in the time it had taken her to locate the medical supplies.

"Go, go." Alice gave me a little push. "Remember the pointers: you've been feeling a lot better recently, you think that this place is holding you back, you can make more of a recovery where you've friends and family to help, yeah?"

"Got it," I agreed with her pessimistically, thinking I'd make an utter fool of myself if Dr. Geller told me I wasn't ready to go home. I wanted to go home!

"I'll be waiting!"

I walked the several steps to the therapy room full of hope. Maybe, just maybe, I could get out of here. Alice's pointers weren't lies; I had been feeling better, so much better that I hadn't cried myself to sleep in about a week, I was eating (slowly) and I was doing well. I wanted to go home, back to Charlie, back to Alice. Hell, even back to school!

Knocking on the door, I realised Dr. Geller wasn't here yet so I walked inside and seated myself on my beanbag. The small beads inside the material moulded to my body shape and I wiggled around for a moment when the door opened.

"Bella!" Dr. Geller greeted me as she walked inside and seated herself. "I missed you yesterday, how was it?"

"Good thanks. I had a great time. Alice's boyfriend, Jasper, he's so nice."

"Good," she smiled. "What kinda things did you guys do?"

"Oh, uhm, well, we played a few games and watched a movie," I lied, hoping I'd done it successfully. She really didn't want to know the truth.

"Good. I'm pleased you have a good time. So, I was hoping that today we c-"

"Actually," I interrupted her, causing her to give me a questioning look. "I was wondering if I could ask you something. I, uhm, I was…"

I gulped back my hesitance, and offered her a small smile.

"I've been feeling so much better, you know? I sleep. At night, obviously, but I do. I mean, I don't have nightmares anymore. I never thought I'd be able to actually sleep, but I have. And I can eat too. I actually like the taste of chocolate again. I can eat without wanting to throw up; I can decide what I want to eat without forcing down something that has no taste and an awful texture." I paused for a moment before carrying on. I didn't want to interrupt my flow for too long, afraid I wouldn't be able to get going again.

"I _feel _better. I didn't realise it, but I walked around with my head on my feet. It probably had something to do with watching where I walk 'cause I'm so damn clumsy, but it's not. It's because I was so ashamed of looking at people, knowing they'd see that I… that I was some k-kind of failure." I swallowed the echoing sobs that I started to cry. Its just happy tears, tears of realisation. They aren't for Edward anymore, they're for me.

"I… I just want to go home. To my dad, to my own bed. My room, where I have all my things. So I can go back to school and see… see my friends. I want to be able to do the things I used to do, because I _miss _them."

I stopped myself and cursed silently when I realised my pathetic speech probably hadn't gotten me anywhere. I'd just broken down in front of her, why would she let me go now?

"Well…" Dr. Geller said quietly. Her voice was quiet, and there was a glistening tear in her eye. She really put herself into her patients, really tried to help them. I guess, it was because she'd been here herself at one point. "I'm just so pleased at the progress you've made, Bella."

Progress? How did she get _that _from that whole babble I'd just done? She obviously noticed the disbelieving look in my eye.

"Yes, progress, Bella. I can tell you've made progress because of the way you talk. You've realised what you're missing, what you need to do. I can only ever help people when they want to help themselves. And it especially helps when people have a special friend that is dedicated to getting them through, too.

"I'm proud of you, Bella. It took you a while to get going, but you've come out of it so much better. You can go home, for sure. I'll have a word with a few people, and I'll call your father in. We should have you home as soon as we can."

I nodded eagerly; just to get out of here would be great. I'd have new air to breathe, more things to do. As Alice said, my recovery would be so much more enhanced if I had the right people to help me.

Dr. Geller smiled. "I don't think we should take you off the medication just yet. I think if we change so many things all at once then it might set you backwards again." I nodded in agreement. "But we can take them down a little. I recommend just your antidepressants, and I'll take you off the sleeping pills… is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"I'd also like to carry on meeting with you, Bella. I don't think we need everyday now, do you? How about twice a week?"

"Okay," I said, jumping at the chance to reduce these meetings. It got pretty boring, having to go over the same thing time and time again. "I have a truck. I can drive here anytime."

"Well, whatever days suit you, Bella. Just be sure to make an appointment," she smiled as I nodded in agreement. "I'm so proud of how far you've come along, Bella."

My head shook because it was the only thing I could think to do. As I stood up, thinking that the conversation was over, I looked down at Dr. Geller. I offered my hand to her, which she gratefully took so I could help her up.

"Thank you," I whispered. "For… well, everything."

"You're more than welcome, Bella," she smiled. "I'll have you home in no time."

...

And Dr. Geller was right. In no time at all, after I'd spent an afternoon listening to Alice tell me what a great job I did and how pleased she is, Charlie arrived with a cross between confusion and elation on his face.

"She said you could come home?" It was almost said as a question, but I nodded happily and watched as Charlie's face broke into a smile.

It was one of those rare moments when emotions took over, despite Charlie's withdrawn persona, as he reached out and pulled me into a tight hug, cutting off the air and making it unable to breath. I grunted a little, and he let me go.

He didn't say anything else, and neither did I. Alice, however, chatted happily and continuously stated how proud she was of me, jumping around a little and patting Charlie on the back (very gently for Alice) a lot. It got kind of annoying, but I didn't let those thoughts stay in my head for long. I was so appreciative of Alice, and it was this that made those bad thoughts dwindle to a minimum.

Before we could actually leave, as I was packing my things into the small bag that I'd brought, I heard Charlie and Dr. Geller talking outside my room.

"Uhm, thanks," I heard Charlie mumble, and I had the faintest image of Charlie holding out his hand right now.

"No problem at all. It's been a pleasure." I placed the picture of Renée and Phil into my bag. "I've got appointments with Bella every Tuesday and Thursday evening, at 7. She said she'll drive herself, but I thought you should be aware of that."

"Yeah, uhm, thanks." It appeared Charlie had run out of things to say so I saved him the torture and walked outside to them.

Dr Geller gave me an encouraging thumb up and a very kind smile. Contagious, I couldn't help but return it as I gripped my bag tightly in my hand.

"I'll see you Tuesday, Bella," she called as she waved goodbye. Alice trotted alongside Charlie and me as we made our way outside. But Alice soon departed from us, having to drive her own car back to Forks and I travelling back with Charlie.

My bag was thrown into the back seat, the contents rattling against each other with various clangs and thuds. Subconsciously, I switched the radio off when Charlie switched it on, before quickly un-doing my actions and letting the radio station play its awful music; I did, however, turn the volume down so it was background noise.

"I'm proud of you, Bells," Charlie muttered as we pulled out of the parking lot, his voice so quiet it almost couldn't be heard over the rickety engine of the police cruiser.

"Thanks, dad."

"You have appointments twice a week, right?" he asked, and I nodded. "I could… I could bring you, if you like. We could maybe go to the movies… or out for dinner or something afterwards."

I smiled gently at him, and nodded weakly. I couldn't shoot down his efforts to make me feel better, to make things right, so heartlessly. He was making an effort, and I appreciated it. Maybe now I realised that Charlie was right – being there, in that place, was good for me; even if it was only because Alice saw me there and came to my aid.

"Billy told me Jacob is still calling you?"

"Uh-huh,"

"Don't you like him?"

"Not really,"

"What happened between you? You used to like him."

"I never really knew him, dad."

"Well, you could start?"

"He's… rude."

"I dunno, Bells. Maybe you were just… emotional?" I shot him a look, and he quietened down pretty quickly. "I meant, like, maybe you'd have a better chance of being friends now that you're back at home."

"He's rude, wherever I sleep at night," I answered coolly.

"I like him. He seems to be determined to help you, Bella. And any boy who thinks that way about my daughter has me cheering for him."

"Why can't you just cheer for me and my decision?"

Charlie glanced from the road to me. "You're right. Sorry,"

"Dad… I," I began, but I had to stop myself. What I was about to say, it wasn't going to come easy. But then again, none of this was easy; everything was a challenge, all the way down to background music that was hovering around us. "I'm sorry for everything that I put you through. I…It was a hard time for me, and it must have been hard on you too."

"Bells, I'm just sorry I never knew what to do."

"That's not your fault. I didn't know either."

"Alice was a big help, huh?"

"Yeah, she was. You know what she's like."

"I'm pleased she was there to help you. She's been good for you. I, uhm, is… is he coming back? I know Alice said about him staying with a relative, but… is he coming back?"

I answered completely honestly. "I don't know."

And the car ride home was finished in silence, besides the background music. It wasn't as hard to listen to as I thought; especially now I focused on it. Once I got passed the intrusive notes and the voices of the singers; at least it wasn't classical music. That _would _be hard. It was my link to Edward, our connection.

Driving around the familiar town was nicer this time; yesterday, when Alice had driven me to Jaspers and then home, had been nice. But today, I'd be here to stay. I wouldn't have to go back to the unit, sleep in a strange bed without my home comforts and a long hot bath. I'd have a bath tonight, I decided; I'd showered for so long.

"Welcome home," Charlie smiled as we pulled onto the driveway. My truck sat there, as ever, and I looked forward to be able to drive it again. "God, that's happened quick. Just yesterday you were visiting. Now you're back."

"I know." And it was all thanks to Alice, really. The catalyst to my recovery, the fuel behind it; I probably would have sunken even deeper without her.

As I yanked the bag off the backseat, I got out of the cruiser and stood in the cold weather as Charlie unlocked the front door.

He stepped inside first, and I followed instantly behind him.

"Just a little something." Charlie looked almost bashful at the gesture, but I liked it.

On the coffee table was a box of chocolates that kept the blue helium balloon from touching the ceiling. I noticed the pizza delivery menu resting next to the chocolates, and _Die Hard 4 _DVD glaring up at me.

"Thought we could celebrate you coming home. Just a little something," he repeated.

"Thanks, dad."

"You could have one my cans if you like. But just the one." I smiled at Charlie's offer; he was the Chief of Forks, man of the law, so I appreciated his gamble.

"Thanks but I, uhm, can't, with the medication, you know?"

I leaned forwards anyway and wrapped my arms around him. I felt his lips peck the top of my head, and I couldn't really describe the elation I felt to be home.

I could take a bath, a hot bubble bath, and get dressed into a baggy t-shirt and some shorts, something I hadn't really been able to do, just relax in a comfortable environment. It'd be good to just lay there and relax… maybe I'd read something, if I wasn't pushing myself too far too quickly.

I could come back downstairs, order pizza and eat junk food, even if it was only a slice or two, and then the chocolates. Charlie had made an effort to make me feel welcome, so I'd happily accept and go along with it. He already felt so guilty about not being much help during my depression.

I'd be able to turn the heating up on full, because it was even colder here in Forks that Seattle, and I could curl up and watch a DVD with my dad.

And that's what I did; it was a silent evening, quiet but not awkward. When I looked at Charlie, I sometimes caught him staring at me with a small, guilty smile.

I think he was pleased his daughter was home. Well, I was glad to be home too.

* * *

_I really feel for Charlie in all of this; I don't really think he knows how to behave, and it's difficult for him. He's trying though, bless him. _

_Please review with your thoughts :) Thanks for reading xx_


	13. Chapter 13

_Finally, Bella is back home! I hope you didn't all think it dragged on too long? I felt there was a lot to get through and express, and that's finally out of the way :) What I want to say is that Bella's been through a very hard time recently. I feel there might be some changes in her, only temporarily and mild changes, but you may notice a few. Everyone changes depending on circumstances, right? _

_Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I found it very enjoyable to write. You'll see what I mean ;)_

* * *

The alarm clock beside my bed seemed to recognise my return, bleeping continuously until I rolled over and smacked the 'off' button to silence it. Downstairs, I could hear the presence of Charlie wandering around, trying to keep quiet - I think - but failing; he cursed loudly when he dropped something metal into the sink.

My mattress, god, I'd missed it. Compared to the hospital bed, it exceeded all kinds of comforts. I'd met it last night like a long lost friend, smiling as it moulded to me and I buried myself in the warmth of the bedcovers. I hadn't realised quite how much I enjoyed sleeping in my bed until now.

Getting out of bed, I rushed to the shower. I'd fallen out of a routine, so I needed to get back into that habit. Again, just like with the bed, the shower was comforting; it was the perfect temperature, and seeing my toiletries lining the wall in their holder was comforting too. It just felt good to be home.

After the shower, I changed into some casual clothes; jeans and a t-shirt, as always, before grabbing my coat. I shoved my school books into my bag and headed down the stairs, into the kitchen.

Charlie was sitting there, in his pyjama's, reading the newspaper with bread cooking in the toaster. I'd expected him to be ready for work already, but I didn't have time to ask him why he wasn't dressed. He beat me to it.

"Where you going, Bells?"

"School," I replied, a little confused.

"But you're dismissed or something. Signed off… Dr. Geller said to ease you back into it." I'd let that detail slip my mind. Being back at home, I didn't want to still be burdened with my illness. Now I was home, I wanted full steam ahead to rush me back into a complete recovery.

"I know, I know… but why wait? I've already missed so much!" I exclaimed, dreading the thought of how much I'd have to catch up on. "If I go back today, then I'm back. Like a band aid; I need to do this quickly, not drag it out. I'm already gonna be the freaky kid."

Too right; after a month of absence in an adolescent unit for depression? I was weird _before _that anyway…

"Are you sure? It's Friday… you could wait until Monday, new week, new start and all that?"

"I'm sure." I nodded, dumping my bag on the floor and looking in the fridge. "Dad, there's nothing in here."

"Hey, hey!" Charlie grinned, holding up his hands in some kind of surrender. "I had enough time to get bread and milk; you're lucky you've got that."

I laughed a little, still note quite used to the way I sounded. It'd been too long since I'd properly laughed. "I'll go to the store on my way home from school."

"God, I've missed you, Bells." Charlie stood up, folding his newspaper and placing it on the table. "And I'm so proud of you." He smiled as he pulled me in for a hug, squeezing tightly before letting go. It was short and sweet as he kissed the top of my head. "Have a good day."

"I'll try," I said, making my way out of the house with my bag and a slice of unbuttered toast that I'd grabbed out of the toaster. It was rubbery and dry against the inside of my mouth.

Getting into my truck was just like the rest of the morning had been to me; comforting, familiar, a sense of happiness to be back after so long. The engine greeted me with a rumble, and I drove to school, trying to forget what torments and stares would be awaiting me once I got there.

The parking lot was filled with people I recognised, car's that I knew. It seemed people recognised my truck too; that red Chevy that everyone seemed to laugh at. Maybe they were laughing at me, instead. I got out of my truck, hoping to compact myself as small as I could. But as I was walking into the school building, I heard the engine of Alice's car (so noticeably different from the other older engines). At least I wouldn't have to do this alone.

Before Alice could even get out of her car, I saw Angela rushing over to me in a kind of calm but brisk walk.

"Bella!" Angela grinned at me as she met me in the lot. Her arms seemed to twitch a little as if they weren't sure whether to hug me or not. "I didn't know you were coming back. How are you?"

"Better, thank you."

"Good, that's really good. Alice Cullen is back, Bella. She's… she's coming over to us." Angela's expression turned suddenly awkward; I assumed she felt like Charlie, scared that I'd get upset.

"It's okay. She already came to visit me… in the hospital," I said as a blush grazed my cheeks.

"Oh. Okay. I was really worried about you, Bella. It's great you're feeling better."

"Hey Bella, Angela." Alice greeted us with a big smile as she reached us. "I'm so pleased you're back at school, Bella. Great progress." She winked at me.

"Angela was just saying the same," I said quietly.

For a brief moment, Alice's eyes seemed to gaze over. A thin sheen of protection layered over them as Alice's expression changed as she focused intently on something. As quickly as it came, she returned to normal with a huge smile on her face.

"You know what?" Alice asked animatedly. "We should have a celebration!"

"Alice…" I warned.

"No, no, Bella. This'd be great; progress, and something you could tell Dr. Geller. Just us girls, how about that?"

"Sounds good to me," Angela answered.

Reluctantly, I nodded.

"And, well, just three isn't much of a celebration," Alice whispered in thought. "How about Jessica and Lauren too – they did on your table, don't they?"

"Alice…" I repeated.

"Bella, please. Let me do this for you. You could… I dunno… call it a thank you?" she said slowly, her golden eyes widening in plead.

"Fine, okay. Fine."

"Brilliant. Well, no time like the present, huh? Tonight? Say… six o'clock?"

I grimaced as I saw Jessica and Lauren coming over towards us; Lauren's face looked like she'd just stuck her nose into some cow manure, and Jessica was bordering on jealous and mildly curious to see me here.

"Oi!" Alice yelled, getting attention of half the school lot. "You two; Jessica and Lauren!" She motioned for them to come here. After exchanging glances, they came over to us. "A little sleepover celebration at my house tonight. Six o'clock? Just us five, how about that?"

"I've never been inside your house before," Lauren stated dumbly.

"All the more reason," Alice said with a wide, fake grin. I almost saw the impossibly quick eye roll.

"Okay, sure," Jessica agreed slowly.

"Great! See you all later then."

Alice steered me away from the rest of them, dodging my glance. I think she knew I wasn't very happy with her stupid sleepover celebration. Why would I want to subject myself to that? Alice had told me herself that Jessica and Lauren were both incredibly rude to her when she came back.

The school day began, and I dreaded what would happen later. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back to school, like Charlie suggested.

…

School was incredibly hard. Although the teachers didn't call on me in class, obviously aware that I wouldn't be able to answer, I still felt as if I was being openly humiliated just by sitting there. I scribbled down notes until my hand was shot with spasms of cramp.

Like I promised, I nipped to the store on my way home from school. I just got the simple things that I thought we'd need, and some basic ingredients. As I walked around the store, I felt the people of the town looking at me. Of course they all knew. The Chief's daughter being placed into hospital wouldn't stay a secret.

Before I could leave for Alice's, I had to get through Charlie. He wasn't keen on the idea.

"It's like you're moving out and you've only just got back!" Charlie exclaimed, but I held my hands up.

"I don't have a choice. If it was just me and her, then maybe I could cancel. But she's invited some others... you know Alice," I tried to excuse. He shook his head. "I've left some lasagne in the oven. You just need to heat it through."

"Be good, okay?"

"Always am," I said as I kissed Charlie goodbye and got into my truck. I wasn't waiting until six to go round; I thought Alice might be able to use a hand anyway, and she needed a serious telling off before the others came.

It seemed that driving to the Cullen's house was easier and more familiar in my mind than driving to school, and my truck accepted the journey with groans of acceptance.

"Hey, Bella. Come right in," Jasper called from the living room so I could hear. I let myself in and looked around at the scattered candles, the pile of blankets beside the couch and the bowls of popcorn resting on the table.

"Typical Alice," I breathed, sitting down.

"And I had to reign her in, as well," Jasper joked, his laughter dripping from his Southern tongue.

"Well, thanks for that." I looked around at the pink tinted atmosphere. "Where is she?"

"Purchasing a new chocolate fountain. She'll be back very soon."

"Oh, right."

"I'm surprised you've not been kicked out."

"Give me time. I'm on strict orders to be out of her by five forty-five. The wildlife is going to take a beating tonight." He grinned widely, and I liked the way the joke rested comfortably on Jasper's lips. I was pleased that Jasper had taken my assurances that I didn't blame him well; maybe it was because he thought he was making up for it now, by allowing Alice time to help me.

"I wish I was getting kicked out too. Lauren and Jessica? Ugh!"

"Such nice people, I know. I'm certainly not jealous of you." Jasper paused. "Alice is back."

"Joy," I muttered sarcastically, bringing my knees to my chest.

"Jesus, Bella. You need to get that piece of crap off my driveway!" I heard Alice before I saw her, but soon enough, I got to glimpse that little beauty as she walked in carrying a huge cardboard box, the top of the box covering her eyes easily. She must have been directing her way through based purely on sense.

"Be nice to the truck."

"It completely ruins the atmosphere I'm trying to go for."

"Which is?"

"Not a junkyard," Alice snapped, lowering the box so I could see her face. "Jasper, move it to the garage, will you, please?"

"Sure thing," Jasper agreed, standing up. I handed him my keys reluctantly.

"I don't think tonight's a good idea, Alice."

"And why not? You need to get back out there. Have people see you laughing and smiling instead of curled in a ball in the corner."

"Thanks, Alice. Thanks,"

"I'm telling you how it is. Don't argue with me!"

"As if I could…"

"Now, plug this in over there. Then put the chocolate into the bottom of it so it can melt."

I did as she said before collapsing back on the sofa. The house seemed too big for just the two of them… I hadn't realised before how empty it seemed without Esme and Carlisle, Rosalie and Emmett… and Edward. So quiet, and hollow because of the lack of family.

"You're moping," Alice stated.

"Am not!"

"You might as well go back to the unit."

"I know what you're doing," I hissed at the little figure prancing around me hurriedly. "Reverse psychology."

"Well, is it working?"

"No," I said stubbornly.

"That's not what I'm seeing," she chided, tapping her head with her index finger, a smug smile plastered on her face. "Now, they'll be here soon. You've got about ten minutes to practice smiling."

"Alice, I'm going now, darlin'. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I asked quickly.

"I'm thinking Canada tonight. 'Course, it's not as much fun alone, but I could do with a good feedin'."

"Oh, well, have fun," I stuttered.

"Will do." Jasper leaned in to peck Alice's cheek, but that wasn't acceptable for her. She pulled him deeper into her, and kissed him patiently. Shuffling in my seat awkwardly, I ate a piece of popcorn and took my time chewing the buttery piece.

"See you tomorrow. Be good."

"Funny. Charlie said the same to me before I left."

Alice shot me look as Jasper fled the room. He seemed to be pushed out by the amount of pink and girl that was present; and the majority of the girls hadn't even turned up yet. It was then that Angela pulled up, a sleeping bag under her arm and a small bag of her things. I let her in, and she walked in nervously.

"Hi," she smiled, looking around a little in awe. The house was amazing; even I hadn't really gotten over how huge and spacious it was. "I passed Jessica and Lauren. They should be here any time soon."

Right on cue, Jessica's car pulled in front of the house. It was quite humorous to watch the two of them get out of the car - a large bag over each of their shoulders - expressions of awe, jealousy and curiosity masking their faces.

"Hey, girls!" Alice called, falsely cheerful as they came in.

"Hi, nice place," Jessica smiled, presenting a box of popcorn to Alice and then looking disheartened when she saw the bowls on the table.

"Thanks. I was thinking we could watch some movies, play some games?"

"Sounds good," Angela smiled, sitting down on the sofa.

"Okay. Well, you can help yourself to anything. Kitchen is through there," Alice pointed to the door, "and bathrooms are upstairs, okay? Great."

No body seemed to move until Angela made the brave action of moving for a piece of popcorn. This seemed to make Jessica grab a blanket off of the pile, pulling it over her as she sat on the beanbag. Lauren made a move for the chocolate fountain, where a selection of marshmallows and candy were waiting in bowls beside it to be eaten.

"Truth or dare first?" Alice suggested as I tried to contain my chagrin. "We'll do a round of truth first, yeah? It works by the person who has been asked, asks the next person. Got it?"

"Who's going first?" Jessica asked.

I sat there thinking that this evening was just so awful. It had barely begun, and it seemed to be a form of torture for me. I didn't want to do this.

"Bella can go first," Lauren smiled, but I saw past that kind gesture and into the snide remark she was about to make. "What is it like being in a hospital unit?"

Angela gasped, probably taken aback from such bluntness. I'd expected as much.

"It's clean?"

Alice laughed, and Jessica let out a shaky giggle too.

"Okay… erm, Alice, what makes you so annoyingly obsessed with parties?"

Alice didn't seem impressed by the question, but she knew it was all good fun. "They're fun," she answered with a smile, "and pretty too." Well, the candles and blankets did look nice.

"Okay…Jessica, what did you first think when you saw my house?" Alice asked.

"Wow!" That made us all laugh again. Angela shuffled beside me, leaning forward for more popcorn. I hinted that she should just take the bowl and keep it in her lap, which she did with a large, but shy, smile.

"Angela," Jessica said. "Have you and Ben done the deed?"

Jessica couldn't have asked the question at a worse time; just as she'd put a piece of popcorn in her mouth, Angela began to choke from the shock of the question. Her cheeks were a flaming red by the time she'd stopped coughing violently.

"Is that a yes?"

Angela shook her head firmly. "No."

I didn't know whether Angela was lying or not, but I couldn't blame her for lying anyway; it wasn't Jessica's business whether or not Angela and Ben had had sex. I thought it was nice that Angela was private.

"Erm, Lauren; what's your favourite food?"

"What kind of a question is _that_?" Lauren exclaimed, disgusted.

Alice snapped, "Just answer it!"

"Erm, I like marshmallows," she said quietly, as if it was something to be ashamed of. Maybe she didn't like to admit she ate anything. "Alice – where's your brother, Edward, and the rest of your incest family?"

"Lauren, do you enjoy being a nasty little bitch?"

"What?" Lauren shrieked.

"You heard me," Alice said slowly. "I know you may act dumb, but I know you aren't. Do you want me to spell it out for you? Do you enjoy being a nasty little bitch?"

My lips curved into a smile, but my shocked expression seemed to mask that. Beside me, Angela's face matched mine, whereas Jessica looked plain evil.

"You can't just say that."

"I can, and I will. Now, if you don't mind, I think you've outstayed your welcome by about twenty two minutes." They'd only been here for, at most, thirty minutes.

As Lauren stood up, Jessica stood up too, grabbing her bag. All I could do was watch in horror as Alice watched the two of them with malicious golden eyes.

"Bye!" she called, false happiness creeping into her voice again, as Jessica and Lauren exited the house.

"Alice!" I gasped when they were driving off the drive way. "I can't believe you did that!"

"I can! I knew Jessica would have to go too. Did you hear their rude questions? I shouldn't have invited them."

I let out a small, dramatic cough. "I told you so."

"I couldn't believe them-" Angela began to say before the vibrations on the couch cut us short. She pulled her cell phone out from her jean pocket and looked at the Caller ID. "Sorry, it's Ben," she excused, standing up and walking into the kitchen.

"Tonight went well," Alice muttered sarcastically.

"I told you, Alice. How could you not see that?"

"Well, I don't think they decided to be bitches until they got here. Jealousy, I reckon."

Just as Alice moved from a beanbag on the floor to beside me on the couch, Angela emerged from the kitchen looking very regretful.

"I'm really sorry. Ben's little sister is sick, and his parents are out of town. He doesn't know what to do." Angela laughed, rolling her eyes. "Boys, eh?"

"It's fine, Angela. You can go, if you like."

"I feel bad. You went to all this effort and n-"

"Don't worry about it," Alice interrupted. "I understand."

"Thanks, Alice. I'll see you Monday, I guess. Bye Bella."

"See you Monday," I called, waving as she walked out with a sad smile and got into her car.

Her engine sounded as she drove away, leaving me and Alice in this bubble of pink blankets and popcorn.

"Are you going to bail on me too?" she asked.

"As if. I told Charlie I'm here for the night anyways."

"Good. I knew you'd stay," she smiled with a slight twinkle in her eye. "You can sleep in my bed tonight, seeing as Jasper isn't here. D'you want to watch a movie?"

"Okay."

Alice switched a movie on; _Confessions of a shopaholic_. At quite a few points in the film, I made gestures at Alice who shrugged off my insinuations. I ate my way through a bowl of popcorn throughout the movie. At one point, I offered Alice a piece but she sniggered and took several pieces in her hand and threw them gently at my face.

When the credits began to roll, I let out a wide yawn.

"Tired?"

"Bit." I looked around the room at the candles. "Do you mind if I go to bed?"

"No, it's fine. You're in my room."

She followed me up the stairs, and I felt like a little girl being put to bed by my mother.

"I'm fine by myself, Alice."

"Damn. I wanted to read you a story," she joked, laughing. "I'll be here all night, so you're safe. I don't think Jasper will be back until morning."

"It's fine."

"See you in the morning then. I'll go clean up the mess you made."

"_I _made? You're the one who threw popcorn about!"

"Whatever. Go to sleep."

"Night,"

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_Hopefully, next chapter you'll see why this chapter happened. Not only that, but I thought it'd be quite nice to see Alice completely own Lauren, am I right? It was the highlight of this chapter, for me. _

_Please review with your thoughts! Thanks for reading :) xx_


	14. Chapter 14

_I'm really scared about this chapter... really scared. I think you've all been waiting for this point in the story, and I just hope I've done it as good as I can (it's the longest chapter so far!) I'm not sure whether you'll like how the chapter ends out... but I'll explain my reasons for why I've written it this way at the end. I hope you enjoy it :)_

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Sometime in the night when the moonlight shimmered in through the translucent curtains, I dreamt. It wasn't a nightmare like I'd experienced so many times before; in fact, it was quite pleasant. My dream switched from Lauren being humiliated to the face of Edward.

But when I was awoken, my eyes staring into the faint dusky darkness of the room, I knew it wasn't morning. I wondered why I'd woken up so early, when I didn't have the need to use the bathroom, and it wasn't the dream; I was tired too, so what had caused me to wake up? Since my sleeping medication, I'd been sleeping well.

But then I heard the voices.

No matter how long I had been apart from it, now matter how long the silence in my mind had slowly eroded away at the memory of the sound, I recognised it instantly. That silkiness in which he spoke, no matter how angry he was; that velvety quality to his tone…

Edward was downstairs. This - lying here with the bedcovers sticking to my skin - wasn't a dream. I knew it wasn't. It was different to every other dream I'd had… because it was just so _real_.

I lay in bed, ears strained, listening; I tried not to move in case I scared him away, and I kept my breaths as shallow as I could to mimic a sleeping body. Hopefully, I'd keep the all-hearing vampires fooled. Hopefully, they'd be too absorbed in their own conversation to take a moment to pay attention to me.

"Why is Bella here?" Edward hissed. I didn't know whether this was the beginning of the conversation or not… but I did know I'd started listening at a brilliant place.

"Because we had a sleepover," Alice answered nonchalantly.

"Better yet, Alice, why are _you_ here? We made a deal... to stay away, let Bella move on." He paused, before adding, "I heard your plan in Esme's thoughts. She was mortified when she realised she'd let it slip to me. Gods sake, Alice, _why?_"

"I told you it wouldn't work from the minute you got that idea into your head. I _told _you, but you did it anyway. You _broke_ her, Edward. She was ill. Mentally ill because of the distress you caused her; do you understand that?"

There was a moments silence before Edward spoke again. I was getting annoyed, the frustration pulsing around within my blood. I was angry that Edward was mad at Alice when she'd helped me so much. I didn't want to think where I'd be now if Alice hadn't been around to help me.

"She would have healed. You didn't have to intervene."

"Do you know, Edward, that I only moved here as a precaution? Just in case?" Alice sounded infuriated. Every word was alight with fury as she spoke, and it shook through the household like wildfire. "Do you know, Mr '_I-know-everything'_, that Jacob Black, a werewolf friend, visited Bella in the hospital?"

"A werewolf?" He spoke in nothing more than a croak.

"Yes, a werewolf." There was a smacking sound of rock on rock. I wondered if Alice had hit Edward… because I knew Edward wouldn't hit her. "They're a blind spot for me, you know? So Bella completely disappeared from my sight. Thank me later, if you will, but I thought Bella had committed _suicide_. Was I supposed to stand back _then, _when I thought her life was in danger?"

"Bella wouldn't. She promised," he said quietly, but he didn't sound convinced.

"Everyone makes promises, Edward. No doubt you made a promise to love Bella for ever?"

"I do love Bella, I always have. You know that."

"That's not what I meant. If you're gonna get all angry at me, Edward, then understand _this_. You are selfish, self-absorbed and completely oblivious to the pain you've caused others. Not just Bella… no, forget the fact she's on antidepressants because of you, and think about Esme and Carlisle!"

"I feel guilty about that. You know I do."

"So, for god's sake, Edward, do something about it!" Alice shouted.

I shuffled around in my sheets for a moment before lying completely still again, trying to breath normally. Their words echoed around in my head, screeching with truth and realisations, each negative word like a slap to the face.

"Do what?" he said desperately.

"I watched you… I saw you even when I didn't want to. Lying there, all depressed. Thing is, Edward, you could control what happened; Esme and Carlisle didn't have a say in how you were behaving and how they felt because of it. Bella didn't have a say either. I don't understand how my brother can be so blinded and insufferably idiotic and self-centred."

"I left for Bella's safety… it's vital that she lives a normal life."

"It's too late for that now, Edward!" Alice snapped; her voice venomous. "Did you not hear me say that werewolves have been sniffing around her?"

"Jacob Black," Edward snarled.

"Yeah, but you owe him. Because they aren't all. Forks had some visitors."

"Visitors?"

"Laurent and Victoria came for revenge. They didn't see any Cullens about, thought they were lucky, and acted; good job the wolves were here, really, to protect Bella and Charlie, don't you think?" I liked how Alice always drew questions back on Edward, making him think, making him address directly what she was telling him.

"Laurent and Victoria?" His voice was barely audible. I had to strain my ears, and even then it was a very faint mumble.

"For revenge." Alice paused. "I don't think you understand. You've already affected Bella's life too much. Touched her heart, taken it almost. Oh, Edward, you should have seen her. She was – still is - ridiculously thin, practically on snapping point because of exhaustion."

"I never meant for that."

"And then you've already put her in danger. The wolves… just us being here makes more wolves. We've marked her already; she's with the Cullen's. She knows about us. That's a danger magnet in itself. And it's _Bella. _She encourages danger!"

"It's not funny, Alice."

"Am I laughing?" she replied coolly. "I had to drag Bella out of her shell. I gave her goals and targets and hope. I got her eating, sleeping, talking again. I got her out of the unit; I got her feeling and living again."

"You can't stay here."

"I can, and I will."

"It's not your decision."

"What?" Alice screeched. "Not _my _decision? Whose is it, Edward? Yours?" She paused. "You aren't fit to make decisions about yourself, let alone make mine. I'd be insane before I gave you that privilege."

"It's unfair on Bella if you stay."

"No, Edward. God, why aren't you listening? It's unfair on Bella if I _leave_. I promised I'd stay so I'm staying."

"I promised it'd be like I never existed."

"Edward…" Alice's voice had dropped to a quieter volume. "I've never been human, so I can't even recall what it's like. Do you remember being human? Even if you don't, we've lived amongst them for years. Do you honestly believe she'd forget? Honestly?"

"I could hope," he replied quietly.

"You changed when you met Bella, and Bella changed too. She couldn't forget you, and for you to think she could only proves to me how idiotic you are."

"Thanks, Alice," he said dryly.

"Well, it's true, isn't it?"

There was a great silence that lasted a while, making me feel conscious. I heard my own breaths escaping my lungs, and the leaves outside the window where the moonlight still shone against its black canvas. As their silence extended, I was allowed moments in my own thoughts. I kept my breathing as shallow and peaceful as I could.

What would happen now? I felt so angry at him to come back here… listening to him. It was annoyance too; how could such an intellectual vampire be so dumb?

Alice was so convinced he still loved me… and it was true that he seemed heartbroken at the sound of me upset or in danger, but he still didn't want to be here, and he wanted to take Alice with him as he left. It frustrated me that Edward was this way. So self-loathing, as Alice said, but so arrogant. What gave him the right to control us all so much? Where did he get his arrogance to believe he knew what was best for me?

Alice was the next person to speak, breaking me from my own thoughts. I was pleased Edward couldn't hear me.

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I… don't know." He sounded empty. "I don't know what to do for the best. Should I go? Obviously Bella's better now, she's getting better. Maybe… maybe when Bella finds someone else, you can leave her then."

"I'm not leaving her, Edward-"

"I can't give her so many things..." Edward interrupted but Alice talked over the top of him.

"And I don't think you should leave either."

"Why?"

She was silent, for just a second. "Because Bella's awake. You existed to her before, but you're more than just a memory now. She's listening."

My heart stopped in my chest. What? How long had she known? Was this all for my benefit, or my humiliation? I didn't know what to do next, whether to laugh or cry... but I trusted Alice. She knew this would work, surely, if she was so blunt?

"What?" Edward gasped.

Slowly, as if my body was working without my minds permission, I swung my legs out of bed. My feet touched the floorboards and I began walking out of the room. Oh my god, after so long, Edward would finally be within my reach, be within my line of sight.

"Don't you dare leave," Alice hissed.

I felt suddenly conscious of myself; bed hair, too skinny because I hadn't eaten in so long, scruffy pyjamas.

I was angry. In fact, I was _furious_ at him. My footsteps sped up when I realised I could vent this anger, this worthlessness, towards him. Finally, I'd be able to see him, and make him see. If he loved me, then he'd listen. If he didn't, and it'd completely break me if he didn't, then he'd just walk away. Would he leave me again?

As I looked upon the face who had blessed my dreams, Alice sped over to me. She seemed to think I needed encouragement. But all I needed was the assurance she whispered in my ear: "He's staying."

"Bella."

The way that Edward said my name was a musical miracle; it sounded so good there, how it rolled off his tongue perfectly. It made me want to collapse in a fit of tears and hysterical giggles in his arms. But I didn't. I stayed where I was, beside the stairs, watching Edward stand near the couch.

"Edward, I…"

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry!" He sounded as if he was sobbing; it looked like it too, with his chest shaking gently. But how many nights had I sobbed myself to sleep over him? I'd lost so many tears because of how he'd left.

It was Edward's arrogance that had really pissed me off, how he thought he knew best.

"Why, Edward? Why did you leave?" I noticed the shaking of my quiet voice.

"Alice said you heard us?" He sounded doubtful, but Alice shot him a glare. "Because I'm dangerous; if anything happened to you… because of me… because of anyone… it's too painful."

"For who? Painful for whom?"

"Me."

"What about _my _pain when you left me? Didn't you think about that?" I felt a tear leak down my cheek. I didn't wipe it away in case I drew attention to it, although I was sure his vampire eyes would notice it anyway.

"I thought you'd be okay."

"I could stand here and waste my pathetic mortal life naming every possible name I could think of to describe how stupid you are, Edward Cullen," I hissed, my bottom lip trembling. "I could stand here and call you every name under the sun. Alice has already used some of the ones on the very long list. But I'll just use some, shall I?"

Edward seemed shocked; his eyes widened; his mouth opening and then closing in astonishment. I'd shocked myself, too, for how I was acting now when I'd been waiting for this moment for so long - but I wasn't going to stop now.

"You're arrogant; how could you be so big-headed to think you'd know what is right for me?"

I took a step forwards, my confidence growing at seeing him so speechless. Finally. He was actually listening. He wasn't walking away, just like Alice had said.

"And selfish, too. Did you only think about yourself? I never had to witness Carlisle and Esme first hand like Alice did, but my god, Edward, how could you? You told me yourself how good they've been to you! How could you treat them like that? They're your parents!"

I was getting closer to him with each step, each part of my rant. The idea of Esme suffering, so kind and caring to each one of her children, was impossible to visualise. She must have been hurting so much.

"What about delusional? _How _did you manage to delude yourself that I'd be better without you, Edward? I don't understand. How long did it take you? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Did you think about it whilst lying next to me at night, or when you heard my heart beating quicker when I was with you? Did they seem like signs to you that I wasn't completely happy?"

I lashed out, my small hand striking his chest with a dull thud. I hadn't done it hard enough to cause myself, or Edward (of course), any damage. It felt good, as adrenaline coursed through my veins. After so long, I was beginning to see the benefit of talking. Dr. Geller would be proud... only before, I'd been talking to the wrong person. I needed Edward to hear all this.

"Did you succeed? Did you get anything out of leaving me, Edward, other than some kind of self-satisfaction at supposedly doing the right thing? Did it make you happy?"

"Every minute I was away from you, all I felt was the deepest sense of loss and emptiness. I hid away fr-"

"You hid away?" I repeated back to him, swinging my thin arms in the air. "You hid away? Okay. Well, where was my privilege, eh?"

My hand struck his chest again in an angry outburst.

"I had to have people watch me. I had Sam Uley first, find me." I hit him again, but his hand swiftly moved to grasp my wrist and restrain me. I struggled against his gentle, but strong, hold. "Then I had the rest of Forks waiting for me, watching me at my worst. Then Dr. Gerandy examining me. Then Charlie watching me, judging me. Then the people at school, supposed friends and teachers, staring and talking. Then the hospital staff, analysing me."

He pulled my arm down gently, cradling the hand I struck him with gently in his own. His touch was cold, comforting, but cold. I tried to yank it away, not wanting him to touch me right now. How strange… after so long of wanting him there to touch me, hold me... but I needed to get this out in the open first before I lost my train of thought.

His absence hadn't really changed his affect on me; my heart still beat immensely fast in his presence, I still shivered under his glare, and felt giddy at his touch.

"So while you were hiding, Edward, I had people always watching me." The tear tickled my cheek as it fell… and then another, and another. His finger grazed my cheek, wiping away the falling tears with one swift movement.

"I'm so sorry, Bella, so sorry."

I'd forgotten Alice was in the room until she moved over to us and helped me remove my hand from Edward's grip. She looked at my knuckles and we both noticed some light purple bruising from the contact.

"It's not broken," Alice whispered to me, although I hadn't even thought of that. "I would have heard the bone break."

Slowly, Alice pulled me into her. I hugged her small body tightly, grasping onto this vampire who was my protection. She had given me what I had now… some kind of confidence and goal. Everything that I'd achieved was because of her.

I pulled away from her after a few seconds, turning on Edward again. His face was so sunken, I wanted to comfort him. But I didn't. I couldn't just yet… I would, eventually, because I still loved him _so _much, with every part of my aching body. Just not yet. He needed to know.

"Are you going to leave me again?" I asked quietly.

"I… I don't think I could, even if I wanted to."

I felt myself flinch. "You know, Edward, if you want to go, you don't have to stay. It'd hurt more than you could ever really know, but I told Alice before that I'm not going to be anybody's responsibility anymore."

"You were never my responsibility, Bella."

"You did a real good job of showing me that," I replied snidely.

I always felt like he was the one looking after me. Instead of letting me drop something, he was always catching it. Instead of letting me fail, he was there to show me how to succeed. It was nice, at the time, but looking back at him, all of his actions screamed to me that I was a responsibility to him.

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

As I began to feel the strain of it all, I whispered, "I need to sleep." I was so exhausted, and even more so now, after a mentally draining confrontation. "Will you be gone in the morning?"

"No." He shook his head firmly. "Not unless you want me to go."

"You said you're sorry?" I questioned, half expecting him to take it all back and quickly flee out of the door. Maybe both Alice and Edward would just disappear.

"So sorry, Bella. I hate myself. I don't think I can forgive myself."

"So you're willing to do anything?"

"Anything."

"Sit there," I said, pointing a finger to the chair in the living room. I heard the croak in my voice as I demanded him to do it.

I'd not asked for anything off of him before… but I needed this reassurance that he still cared enough about me. He told me once that I was his life (although I never truly believed it) and I needed to see how true that still was.

Moving over to the couch, I watched as Edward sat in the chair. I reached over and grabbed one of the blankets that Alice had set aside earlier.

"Goodnight," I said quietly, wrapping myself in the blanket and tugging it around myself as a protective layer.

Alice turned the lights off, so the room fell to darkness, but I could still see Edward in the chair opposite me, a dull outline of where he was sitting, and I heard Alice's exaggerated footsteps as she walked up the stairs.

"Goodnight, Bella," he whispered so quietly. "May I… may I tell you something?"

"Tell me what?" I answered warily, fearing the words that would come out of his mouth.

"You might deem it as inappropriate."

"What is it?"

"I… I'm still in love with you, Bella, and I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated you."

I couldn't answer. For a while, we watched each other. I was scared to close my eyes in case he disappeared and I couldn't protest, and he seemed too fixed to remove his eyes from me. I began to shake a little when it all finally hit me that it was real.

Edward was back. Even though it hadn't been his original plan, he was staying too. Or that's what he said, at least.

"Are you cold?" he asked when my eyes started to droop together drowsily.

"No, why?"

"You're shaking. Are you ill?"

"No."

"You should go to sleep, Bella."

"I'll add patronising to the list, as well."

"I'm… I…" but Edward didn't finish his sentence. "You don't believe I'm going to stay, do you?"

"Can you blame me, Edward?" I sighed.

"I'll lie beside you, if it makes you feel better. You always did notice when I was gone, even for a moment."

As much as that idea tempted me, "I… I don't think I can deal with that right now," I said quietly, perching myself up on my elbow. I looked at Edward through squinted eyes, making out his outline. Even that was beautiful.

"Edward, I… I still love you too. Even after everything, I still love you. It's strange, because for so long I've wanted you to come back to me… and now you're here, I'm just so angry."

"I can understand. It's natural for you to feel that way, and I hate that it's my fault."

"I'm going to forgive you. I love you too much not to."

"I love you too, Bella."

Right there, that phrase; he said it with such sincerity that had my heart swelling. It was one of the reasons why I loved him so much, because of how he made me feel, so happy and loved. He was so caring, too. I had to remind myself that.

"Maybe you could sit here?" I asked, pointing to the space on the floor. He was a vampire… it wouldn't be uncomfortable for him wherever he sat.

In a nano-second, Edward was sitting in that exact space where I'd pointed to, his back leaning against the couch. His head was about the same height as my stomach, and he turned his neck to look at me. This was okay… not too close, not too far away.

"Can I talk to you, Bella?"

"Hmm," I agreed nonchalantly.

"I came here tonight because I was angry. I'd found out about Alice's interference in your life through Esme's thoughts when I went to say hello and let them know I was still existing. But then Alice told me about what it was like when I was away. She told me of Laurent and Victoria. I thought you were doing okay. I thought you were healing. I'm sorry, Bella. I came here tonight to try and convince Alice you were better without us. I couldn't have been more wrong."

"Finally…" I said, with a quiet hint of a chuckle.

"I will spend forever making it up to you, Bella."

Gingerly, I pushed my hand out of the confines of the blanket. Fumbling around, I eventually found Edward's smooth hand and brought it up to me. He wasn't dazzling me right now, which was good, because I needed to think things through completely unbiased. I brought my lips to his hand, pressing them gently against his soft skin.

"For now, I'd just be happy if you let me sleep." I tried to smile. I needed to be strong, to stay in some sort of control.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Goodnight, Bella."

"'Night."

In the silence, I applauded myself for remaining so calm. Tomorrow, I would talk to him more.

Maybe I was subconsciously still aware of how Edward's mind worked; he was so set in his decisions. He'd just said he'd spend forever making it up to me, but I didn't have forever. How much did he want to make it up to me? How much did he love me?

Tomorrow, I'd find out just how much. But for now, I couldn't resist the dreams that called for me, and I slept the best night's sleep I ever had with Edward's hand securely in mine. Even though I acted like I just had, I was still putty in Edward's hands. I just couldn't let him know it just yet.

* * *

_I really thought this was the best way for Bella and Edward to be reunited, although it took me a long time for me to decide it this way. I wrote it the way I have because I could feel Bella's anger. She's so frustrated at him for being arrogant and thinking he knew what was best - that's what Bella is angry about, which is why she's being a bit short. Also, I think she's trying to remain a little distant from him in case he wanted to leave again. Anyways, next chapter will explain a lot more!_

_I would really appreciate your thoughts on this chapter... I really like it. Do you? Please review :)_

_Thanks for reading xx_


	15. Chapter 15

_First of all, I want to thank all of you who have reviewed! I've found that your encouragement and support is amazing! I'm pleased you all enjoyed the previous chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one just as much :) It will, hopefully, explain a little more about the changes in their relationship. I hope you like it :)_

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When the morning came round, there were several moments in those first few fuzzy seconds where I questioned my memory. Was it all a dream? I questioned whether Edward had really returned because it was just such a huge change.

As I opened my eyes into the lightened Cullen living room, I felt Edward's hand in mine, that soft but hard hand that seemed to make my heart speed up and my head spin. It was all real. I gave myself a human minute, allowing myself to remember everything that had happened in the night. It all came flooding back to me, as easily and naturally as the coming and going of the tide.

"Good morning, Bella," Edward said quietly from beside the couch, his head level with mine.

"Good morning."

I pushed myself up on my elbow using a forced strength, looking around. Alice was no where to be seen, although I didn't trust my pathetically inaccurate human senses. Edward, however, seemed to notice my search.

"Jasper came back early this morning, when he realised the only human here was you. But he wasn't happy to see me here, and Alice didn't want to wake you so they've gone for a walk," Edward informed me.

"Have you been sitting there all night?"

"Just like you asked me to." Edward paused. "I've thought about a lot of things in the past couple of hours."

Of course he had. I'd been expecting this, knowing it was always an option in the back of my mind. It wasn't such a good idea, he would say, I'm sorry, Bella, I'm leaving you again. And he'd take his hand away from mine, kiss my forehead in exactly the same spot, and flee out the door, and my life, just like last time. I cut him off short, hoping I could delay what was coming.

"Edward, we definitely need to talk. But not right now, just give me a moment."

Nodding, Edward began to stare at me. I felt his gaze burning into me, so I turned. I realised this was the first time I'd met his eyes since he'd come back.

In them was a pain so raw and full of ache that I instantly had to look away, retracting as quickly as you did when your skin grazed against the hot radiator. His eyes were dark, a dull grey, and in one single glance, I saw a flowing collection of thoughts penetrate me, each of them his; each of them regretful.

"Bella… I have a proposition for you. Would you like to eat breakfast with me?"

"What?"

"I'll eat breakfast if you do; how's that?"

"It's uncomfortable for you. Why would you say that?"

"I'll do anything to get you healthy again."

I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. Even I, in those rare moments when I caught my reflection in the mirror, saw a difference in myself. Did Edward see a skeletal figure of the girl he once loved? With his precise eyesight, I bet he saw every bone that angled out of my body. I wasn't as much as bag of bones as undernourished; just the lack of appetite had caused me to drop a dress size.

"How about… we talk over breakfast?" I suggested, sitting up. I didn't let go of Edward's hand, so his arm moved when I did.

"Of course, that sounds great," he enthused in a way that could make even the ridiculous of suggestions sound like heaven.

Edward didn't move until I made movements to hint I wanted to get off the couch. My hair was now flat against my face, stray hairs sticking up at strange angles, and I assumed I looked awful. Although I'd had a deep, peaceful sleep, I hadn't actually slept all that long.

I walked into the kitchen by myself, after dropping Edward's hand half way to the door. Opening the fridge, I noticed a packet of croissants waiting on the side. Alice had obviously prepared for my visit, and I realised for the other humans who were supposed to have slept over last night.

I wondered, in a quick inaccurate theory, whether Alice had planned the whole thing. Did she know that Edward was coming, and that was why she wanted me here? Did she plan to anger Lauren and Jessica? Did she see that Ben's sister would fall ill and need Angela's help? Probably - it was Alice, after all.

I got some jam out of the fridge, and a knife from the drawer. After grabbing a glass from the cupboard and a carton of orange juice, I moved over to the dining table where Edward was waiting for me to join him.

"I'd like to speak first, please," I said firmly as I spread the jam on the croissant and taking a bite.

"Okay. Go ahead."

"Maybe I've been hoping you'd come back for a long time. Well, I always hoped, but Alice seemed to add some realism to that hope. Maybe I started thinking about it then because my thoughts seem quite organised for saying this was all such a huge shock." I paused. "I… I love you, Edward. I told you that. But I haven't forgiven you yet and, uhm, you said you could never forgive yourself. Well, I think that needs to change in order for us to move forwards."

"Will_ you _ever be able to forgive me, Bella?"

"Yes, I will. I know I will… eventually. Edward, I…" I took another bite to hide my dumb sounding pause. "Try and think of this like marriage… people renew their vows all the time. Well, we need to renew our vows, Edward. I need to fall in love with you again."

Edward scrunched his eyes up quickly, and then re-opened them. In this one movement, they seemed to have sunken into his head. Amazement flooded me when I realised how one swift action could portray so much ache.

"Do you not love me anymore, Bella?" He didn't sound demanding or accusing; just pained and curious. I was amazed, really, at how easily I was with speaking calmly. My thoughts were actually coming out in words that made sense!

"I do, very much so. I don't know much about how to deal with this, so I'm doing the only way I can think of. I need to fall in love with you again… we need to move past this together. I need to forgive you… you need to forgive yourself, too." I paused, which was enough time for me to begin to doubt what I'd just said. Would it work? "What do you think?"

He didn't hesitate. "I'll do whatever it takes."

"I'm sorry about yesterday too," I mumbled quietly.

"Why?"

I felt a surge of shame overcome me. "I didn't behave very nicely."

"Bella, I told you. I understand – it's natural for you to be angry with me."

"And I am angry. But I didn't have to be rude with it," I protested. Despite his previous actions, to be rude in Edward's presence felt wrong because he was always so passive and calm.

"It's okay, Bella."

"Do I look different to you?" I asked quickly, looking at the croissant and thinking about how I looked myself.

"Different, yes."

"How so?"

As Edward's eyes scanned over my body, I regretted asking; I hadn't realised it'd warrant a body search in order for an answer. Self-consciousness crept over me. His eyes seemed to look at everything – analysing – absorbing every detail with those delicious dark eyes.

"In my memory, I always remembered you laughing. It was easier for me to picture you that way, because I could convince myself you were happy. Somewhere, as I thought about you with every second that passed, I imagined you'd be laughing with someone. But I can tell you haven't laughed in months."

There was an intensity so heavy and humid hanging on to every word he spoke that I felt myself weighed down by their weight.

"Your eyes aren't as bright as they used to be… they hold with them an age and a sadness that most people don't experience until they're much older. I hate that I caused that… that I'm the reason you look so unhappy."

As I glanced at the jar of jam on the table to have a momentary escape from Edward's stare, I saw his gaze follow mine. The jam, the croissant, the orange juice were all scrutinised by Edward before the gravitational pull made my head turn towards his again.

"You haven't eaten, either. You're beautiful, still, although if I'm honest, I prefer you healthier. You're tired too, and I want to help you sleep. There's so much I want to do; cook you meals to encourage you to eat, sing you to sleep so your dreams are peaceful and easy. I can tell you haven't had that in so long, and it hurts. I saw you in Alice's mind the first time I saw you like this… I didn't really look though; I thought she was exaggerating to guilt trip me into staying."

"And now you're here?" I said harshly. "You've seen she wasn't exaggerating and you're here out of guilt?" Each word was like a shard of a broken glass, shattering and sharp.

"Not at all," Edward replied quickly. "When I saw you, whether you'd have looked healthy or not, I would have stayed. You don't believe me?" he mumbled, more to himself. "How can I explain…? For a long time now, I've been fighting this pull that attracts me to you. I've been ignoring the tender connection, trying to make this draw I felt towards you disappear so you could live a happy, human life. But then I saw you again. All my efforts were completely worthless the minute I set my eyes on you again, Bella. They dissolved at my feet, unimportant, because they didn't matter. You made it all disappear; with one look, you made months worth of efforts crumple like a house of cards."

The silence that passed between us was swiftly disturbed by the ringing of the phone from the living room. We exchanged glances, as if we were rabbits caught in headlights, before Edward spoke.

"You should answer it."

My eyebrows shot up in confusion. "Why?"

"Because it could be your father, and I'm supposed to be staying with a relative. I'm not supposed to be here, but you are."

His reasoning made complete sense, so I left the half-eaten croissant – I wouldn't eat anymore of it now anyway - discarded on the plate in the kitchen and made my way towards the calling phone, Edward trailing behind me.

"Hello?" I answered warily.

Edward was beside me as I picked it up, and as soon as the caller spoke their first word, Edward's face turned to that of someone who had received a terrible reprimand.

"Bella?" That voice, full of worldly love, could only ever belong to one person. "Oh, Bella, it's so good to hear you!"

"Esme?"

"It's me, honey, it's me. I'm sorry to ring you; is Alice there, or Jasper?"

"No, they're out. I think they wanted to give us some privacy."

"Us? Is…Is Edward there with you, sweetheart?" The worry etched in her voice didn't deserve to be there... not Esme's, who gave everything to anyone she could.

"Yeah," I breathed quietly.

"Oh, thank god." I could hear that relieved sigh come from out of her, a balloon deflating. Shame was passing across Edward's face as he listened to our conversation, as we both heard Esme telling Carlisle – so happily – that Edward was okay, he was with Bella, and they were together.

"It's so nice to hear your voice," I croaked, a little overwhelmed with emotion. I felt like I'd lost a mother these past few months.

"Me too, sweetheart, me too. Could I speak to Edward, please?"

"'Course… uhm, goodbye."

Passing the phone to Edward, my heart began to beat hurriedly as our hands grazed against each other. I knew he heard it, because that smile – the one I'd missed beyond belief – was back, touching his lips.

"Esme, its okay, its okay."

I strained to hear what Esme was saying - I failed to make the low, quick mumblings into any specific words - so, instead, I settled on deciphering their conversation from Edward's responses.

"No, no. I'm staying. No, when I got back Alice was alone but Bella was asleep upstairs. I think she planned it all…" he mumbled, "but she was particularly careful with her thoughts." He paused, and that mumbling was back. Edward's face morphed into a little boy being told off by his mother, and it was surprisingly adorable. Breathing lightly, he added, "It's worked out for the best… She still loves me."

Telling Esme and Carlisle I still loved him held as much relief and importance as the thing itself; hearing those positive qualities in his voice when he told them had me feeling a flutter in my stomach, as delicate as butterfly wings.

"I'll tell her. I think Bella's missed you too," he added with a quick glance at me before hanging up. "They're moving back. We're all coming back."

My mind was ecstatic, thinking of this empty house being filled with the laughter and banter of the Cullen family, again. For a brief moment, my mind wandered to Charlie – so devastated and hating towards Edward for making me ill – and how he'd behave when he found out the news.

"I thought you'd be pleased." Reacting to my focused facial expression, Edward didn't understand my mind had wandered past Esme and Carlisle for a second.

"I am, I am," I assured quickly. "But Charlie… he needs to know what's happening."

"You're right."

"I think I should talk to him."

"Bella, I… I'd like to talk to him too, if you don't mind."

"And say what?" I snapped, before shooting him an apologetic glance. I hated that I was being irrational with him – but I hated even more that he deserved it. "Sorry; I just think you'd be… safer if I pre-warned him."

"My safety is the least of my concerns right now. Personally, I feel we shouldn't delay the inevitable. However, it is completely up to you. Your choice."

With these options running around my head, I allowed myself a minute to breath. Charlie would be furious; it wouldn't surprise me if he actually shot Edward, or at least tried to. But Charlie would be like that no matter how much time in advance he knew that Edward had come back. And, quite frankly, I'd prefer it to come from me than some gossip in the grocery store.

"Okay," I agreed as Edward continued to stare at me like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. "Let me get changed. You best be ready for this. Compared to Charlie, I'll have been easy."

"Nothing more than I deserve."

Edward came to follow me upstairs, but I quickly re-directed him with a quick glance to the sofa. Upon my command, he moved without an argument, quickly, to the couch where he sat patiently and waited.

Substituting my pyjama bottoms for my jeans, I thought about what I wanted. I wanted Edward, completely – there really was no debate about that matter. Like I'd said at breakfast, I wanted to move past this point. I hoped, in a long time, we'd look back on this time in our lives as a tiny glitch that was magically overcome. I knew we could do it… it'd just take time.

What I didn't want was a doting puppy, following me around and waiting for direction. I didn't want Edward to be submissive towards me, granting me my every wish because he didn't think he deserved a say. I wanted to renew my love for him… and I couldn't do that if he was behaving in that way.

So when I returned downstairs, I knew what I had to tell him.

"Edward, I need to ask something of you." When he didn't answer, I continued. "Like I said, Edward, I want to renew our love. You understand that, don't you?" He nodded. "But I don't want you doing everything I say just for me. You have to want it too, you have to agree. If not, then _say_."

"I just want to make you happy, Bella."

"And doing that will make me happy. Edward, I loved you before all this, and I loved you through it. I love you now. I don't want a puppet as a lover."

"Okay."

"So what do _you _want to do now?"

Edward seemed caught off guard, for just a nano-second, before correcting his face to resemble that perfected sculpture again.

"We need to see Charlie, I agree with that. I'd like to set things right with him too, if he'll let me. But first…I'd like to do one thing… only you might think it's too soon."

Like stepping stones, Edward trod on a few to get over to me. Each one seemed like a new direction to something, another agreement that we silently made. Every nerve in my body was aware as Edward came closer to me, slowly, carefully, like each step was made of cotton candy.

His hands, as he raised them up to hover beside me cheeks, fluttered like a butterfly beside an open flower. Should he touch my cheek, let his finger graze against my burning blush, or should he return it to his side?

Remembering that Edward was a gentleman and knowing with certainty that he wouldn't do anything without my permission, I nodded my consent, a small movement that I knew Edward would pick up on. I noticed a smile grace his lips, a small upturn in the corners. He was so beautiful, it was unreal.

"I do love you, Bella. I'm so sorry." Just as he said it, his fingers touched my skin. I didn't let them linger there long, pulling away.

"We're moving on, remember? I didn't remember you apologising on our first date."

"Sorry?" he questioned with a chuckle. I let myself laugh too, a little, until his lips pressed against mine and took away my breath.

He was gentle, loving and kind; our lips moved together as a way to signify what we were doing. We were moving on. It was our silent contract; completed and agreed with the touching of our lips. It was a way for me to put an end to what I'd suffered. As Edward gentled caressed my cheek, it was a way for me to start again.

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_Da-da! What do you think? Was it too soon? I didn't think so. I thought it was right for it to be then - you know, not too soon and not too late._

_You know, you've had three updates within a week? Lucky, or what? Charlie's chapter is next and I'm looking forward to that one!_

_Review, please? _

_Thanks xxx_


	16. Chapter 16

_Here's the Charlie chapter :) Ooo! Just remember, please, that people have different reactions when circumstances change, yeah? I hope you like it :)_

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Pulling onto the driveway with Edward beside me was as bizarre and surreal as the many dreams that had disrupted my sleep. I drove with ease although my heart was very aware of Edward sitting next to me – watching me.

"Are you sure?" I asked quietly, scared that Charlie would hear the barely audible whisper that I spoke in.

"Yes." There was something different - fear, anxiety? - in his voice. Was Edward already hearing Charlie's thoughts? I hated to think what kind of hating obscenities would be thrown at him telepathically when I couldn't step in and ease the situation.

After a quick moment of building up courage to move, that small space of time where I took deep breaths in quick succession, counting to three as I prepared myself for takeoff, I opened the car door. "Okay, let's go."

Those couple of steps towards the house had my heart beating at an unruly pace, fast and pounding as loud as any motor vehicle. I knew Edward could hear. I stepped inside the house, seeing Charlie sitting with his back to the front door on the couch. Holding my hand up to tell Edward to wait outside, I took a step forwards.

"Hi, dad."

"Hey, Bells." He barely even moved his neck to acknowledge me, instead, moving his head closer to the screen where a baseball player in a green uniform was hitting the ball.

"I, erm, have something to tell you." Charlie didn't turn round, but grunted. I assumed the player hadn't done very well. "It's important."

This seemed to trigger something inside Charlie. Was he remembering what I'd been through? Did something hit home that maybe I'd need his help? Miraculously, Charlie switched the TV to a black screen, standing and walking over to me.

"What is it, Bells? You okay?"

"I… yesterday, you asked me about Edward, and I didn't know. But he…he came to see Alice this morning. And I was there." I hated that my words came out in short, raspy sentences. "He's staying. We're together. He's here."

Charlie's face – a mixture of horror from my revelation – glanced from me, to the truck, to the figure he'd only just noticed standing outside.

"He's _here?_" Charlie spat, just as Edward emerged from behind the door. As they took each other in, Edward's face morphed into a deeper regret, Charlie's that of white hot fury.

"Get out of my house!" he yelled, taking a threatening step towards Edward. Edward went to move backwards, opening his mouth to speak but in one swift movement, Charlie had hurled himself at Edward.

Their bodies were a blur to me, but from what I could gather, Edward was being truly kind. When Charlie's fist lashed out across Edward's cheekbone, there was a small thud as Edward's head swung back. I thanked Edward, silently, for letting my father do that… but before I knew it, Charlie dived past me again to grab his gun.

"Dad!"

His gun was pointing at Edward, intimidating and protective of his little girl. But I couldn't let him shoot! Would he shoot? Would Charlie actually pull the trigger?

I couldn't take that chance. Sure, it wouldn't kill him – but that by itself would take one hell of an explanation. How come the bullet just bounced off his rock hard chest?

Scrambling like a dog skidding across laminate flooring, as quickly as I could, I hurled myself to stand in front of Edward, ignoring Charlie's flaring nostrils, trying not to let Edward succeed in trying to push me behind him, all whilst keeping as calm as my spinning head and pounding heart would allow.

"Dad, _please_," I begged, but Charlie's eyes didn't even flicker to me; they remained fixed on Edward's indecisive face. "He's important to me, he really is."

"Get him _out_ of my house, Bella."

I wondered what good arguing would do when Charlie was so far gone in his anger. I'd never seen him behave like this – so irrational and threatening – before. I guess police officers did have to have a back bone… and I guessed this was why the chief's daughters were always taboo in films and movies.

So I pushed Edward back a little, giving him the guidance and direction for him to take a step back. Once he was outside the boundaries of the house, Charlie seemed to relax, just a little.

He placed the gun down, shrugged off the evilest expression on his face and took several steps over to us.

"Bella, come inside."

I didn't move.

"_Bella_."

"Please, dad. It's okay. I've talked to him. It's fine."

"_You _may have talked to him, Bella, and I'm sorry, honey, but that's just not good enough. You're too nice, too forgiving; he _broke _you, Bella." I felt Edward flinch behind me, as if he was trying to dodge the full effect of the words when they came hurtling towards him. They seemed too forceful, even for vampires.

"You think I don't know that? And…I haven't forgiven him," I breathed quietly, hating that my voice sounded as fragile as glass. Again, Edward flinched.

"You haven't? But you said…?"

"I said we were together. Which we are. But I haven't forgiven him. Not yet."

"That doesn't make any sense, Bella," Charlie chastised me, that look of anger and impatience spreading across his face again. I noticed him itching to pick up the gun again.

"Maybe not to you, but it's what will work for us."

"And who decided this plan? You, or _him?_" Charlie re-angled himself, turning to look from me to Edward. "Who do you think you are?" he snarled. "You left Bella, and then decide to pick her back up when it suits you? Do you know how much damage you caused?"

"No, sir. I can only compare it to my own personal torment. But it seems I still managed to keep myself together, despite how hard it was."

It was the first time Charlie had heard Edward speak and, like me, he heard the distress that was clear through that short sentence. Just like me, Charlie analysed his features again. No one - not even a blind man, who would sense the sorrow radiating off of his skin - would be able to ignore the pain that Edward held in his eyes, the way his mouth was positioned, how his face had become.

"You," Charlie snapped, pointing a finger at him. "Get inside, _now_." I was surprised, both by the excess hostility he suddenly expressed and what he wanted Edward to do. "You've got some explaining to do."

Charlie walked back into the living room, picking up his gun on the way round to the sofa. I kept beside Edward at all times, until it came to sitting down. Directing me to the couch, I had no choice but to remain beside Charlie as Edward occupied, on Charlie's command, the armchair where he sat awkward and upright.

"Tell me."

"What would you like me to tell you, sir?"

"Don't play smart with me, boy," Charlie snapped, fiddling with his gun. "Tell me _why _you went gallivanting off without a second thought to my daughter. Tell me _why_ you're back, after so long. Tell me what your plans are now - that is if I don't arrest you for harassment."

"Dad," I warned, my voice wavering, but Charlie completely ignored my attempts to quieten him as he shot Edward another threatening look, forcing him to speak.

"When Carlisle said he had to move for work, I couldn't really disagree, sir. As hard as it was for me, he is my father and I had to oblige."

My stomach curdled at his lie. I understood why Charlie couldn't know the truth, but how he so effortlessly lied was beyond hurtful. Was he lying to me too? Did he really feel guilty about the way I looked – unhealthy and fragile – so was fixing me up before leaving me again?

"For Bella's sake, I wanted to… to end things." Now he seemed to be getting a little choked. "Bella doesn't deserve to be waiting for me to call, scarce weekend visits, tied by down someone who she didn't see often enough. I thought things would be easier that way."

"Then why are you back now?" Charlie asked.

Surprisingly, his voice was softer than before, although still extremely rough. I briefly wondered why Charlie had had a sudden change in heart, inviting him in for integration rather than throwing him out, but Edward's answer cut through any thinking time.

"Alice came back to school here, whilst I was staying with one of my distant cousins. She told me Bella had been ill - all because of me - and I couldn't stay away. My parents knew how badly I'd suffered too. My well-being – and Bella's too - is what matters most to them. Carlisle is moving back to Forks so I can be with Bella."

"_Do _you know how Bella was – is?"

"Sir, if I could erase any of that, just for a second, then I would. I'll live forever with the knowledge and regret that I've scarred Bella so much."

"And what do you plan to do now? _Stay_? Is your father sure he's going to be able to? How do you know he's not going to up and leave again, taking you with him?"

"I plan to stay. Soon enough, if Carlisle ever did decide to leave again, then he couldn't take me with him. I'll go wherever Bella goes, as long as she wants me."

My throat had clamped shut throughout their exchange. Each of his answers seemed perfectly tear-jerking, and enlightening that I wanted to wrap my arms around him tightly, press my lips against his, and never let go.

"Right. You can go now." Short and sharp.

Edward stood up, nodding his head in acknowledgement.

"Dad, I…"

"Shush, Bella. I need to talk to you, too. Go home, Edward."

Head heavy on his shoulders, Edward left the room. His eyes grazed over me as he left with a small, sad smile trying to say many things in the seconds we had before Charlie attempted to physically remove him. As much as I wanted to comfort him, I couldn't; a quick off hand smile was all he was getting.

As the door closed, Charlie turned directly to me but remained silent. It was like waiting for a timer to go off, the silence that followed, eerie and waiting for what was coming.

"So…" Charlie said quietly.

"So?"

"I hate that boy, Bells. What he did," the venom in his voice was strong and acidic. "the way he treated you – nobody treats my daughter that way."

I opened my mouth to talk, but he raised a hand to silence me.

"You said he's important to you. I can see that; you wouldn't have reacted the way you did if he wasn't important, although I can't see why… I thought you would have had more sense. But… and yes, there is a but, Bella – but, when you came through that door, I saw a light in you." He paused, reaching out his hand to cover mine on my lap. "I haven't seen that in a long time, Bells. I wouldn't be able to tell you _why _that boy makes you glow the way you do, but I know he does."

"It's hard to explain, dad…"

"I know. I don't want complicated explanations, god damn it. I just want you happy!" His eyes raked my face. "I could tell that boy wasn't overly happy either. I thought he was going to cry… and, well, if he can see what he lost, then fair play to him. Not only that, but you haven't forgiven him yet. Which is good. You can't just go handing yourself back to him."

"I won't, dad. I'm-"

"I hate the boy. I want you to hate the boy too, but god knows I know you don't. I want you happy. That's all that matters to me."

"So…?"

"So, I'm not gonna kill the boy."

"But…?"

"But you can't put all your eggs in one basket. How did last night go? With Jessica Stanley and Angela Weber? Have a good time?"

"It was… eventful." I smiled a little, and I think Charlie noticed that glint that gave away the 'it was awful'.

"I think you should spread yourself out. Give yourself a back up plan."

"I don't think he'll leave again, dad. I really don't."

Charlie looked taken aback. "That boy is going no where alive. If he wants to leave, he can do it in handcuffs, or better yet, a coffin."

"Thanks." I let myself throw him a sideways smile, something he seemed to hold onto with both hands.

"I've missed you, Bells. I don't really think you know how much."

"I'm sorry."

"I want you to be careful. You're a big girl now, Bells, so grounding you and telling you that you can't date the boy isn't the way around this. _But _I can set the rules. He's out of the house early. You see other friends. You may be eighteen, Bella, but this is still my house with my rules." He was talking sternly until he paused, continuing in a softer tone. "You're my daughter, which is why I care so much."

I didn't know how to respond.

"Now, off you go. You insisted on going back to school yesterday. Don't you have homework?" he said, almost in a mock-parent tone.

I knew he wanted me to leave before it got too gooey for him, too emotional. I understood what Charlie was saying, and in a strange kind of way, I liked the way he'd dealt with it all. It was nice that Charlie cared, even though he didn't know how to show it. His support mattered to me, a lot. More than I could really explain.

He kissed my forehead before I made my way upstairs, fishing out my school books. With lots of work to catch up on, I followed Charlie's advice and got working on the huge amounts I had to do; I struggled my way through – referring to old text books and Alice's notes that she'd handed me during lunch time that she'd photocopied for me – to finally complete two short assignments that I'd missed.

By the time evening had rolled around, my eyes stung and my head whirled around with letters and jumbled incoherent words. I took a break to cook Charlie and myself a nice meal, lasagne and salad, and I ate the most I had in a long time, but still not quite a normal portion.

Showering away the days work, I kissed Charlie goodnight as he made his way to bed with moans of a hard day (he'd mopped the kitchen floor).

I settled myself into bed, seeing from my bed the stacks of schoolwork that were situated beside the ancient computer, looking older with every day that passed, the same way that pile looked higher with every second I stared at it. Alice would help me, she'd said. Better yet, Edward could…

My eyes still hurt from a days concentrated school work, so I didn't want to read. Just as I thought about switching my light off, settling underneath the covers for an early night, I heard a light tap.

I jumped out of bed, pushing the covers off of me. After looking around and trying to figure out where the sound had come from, I dashed to the window and yanked the curtains back. Edward was there, sitting on the tree beside the window, tapping gently with a small smile.

As if I could turn him away, I opened the window, whispering at him to '_get inside before the neighbours saw him'_.

"I'm sorry, I can go, if you like?" he asked, but I shook my head. "I couldn't knock downstairs… and I didn't want to just assume I could come in."

"Edward, its fine. I'm glad you're here." I paused. "It feels normal now."

"What do you mean?"

I looked around for a moment, realising we were still standing like lemons awkwardly beside the window.

"I didn't know what to do, I guess, with my evening. Before you left, you were here every evening, keeping me company."

"Oh." He paused. "And when I was gone?"

"I cried."

His face contorted to a misery again, seeping back into his eyes. Filling up the space between us with one step, I pulled him in for a hug, wrapping my arms around him just as his automatically embraced me. I still couldn't understand how it felt so right and okay after everything. The pieces of a puzzle that fell together, no matter how much distance had separated them before hand.

"I wasn't sure whether I should come tonight or not. I want to convince you I'm staying."

I didn't answer because I didn't know how. I wanted to tell him I believed him, but I couldn't because I didn't believe it yet. It'd take time before I could tell him that I completely and absolutely trusted him again.

His lips grazed the top of my hair, before pressing against my forehead again. I recoiled, remembering the harsh hot lips that had replaced his cool ones at the unit.

"What's the matter?" he asked worriedly, but I dismissed him with a shake of the head. I didn't want to think about Jacob Black tonight.

"Are you staying tonight?"

"If you want me to."

"No, you stay because you want to," I said quietly before looking him in the eye. They were a delicious honey golden now, rather than the dark earlier. He'd hunted today. "I told you I'm not being a responsibility anymore."

"I want to stay, Bella."

I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again quickly, hoping he wouldn't notice. But of course he did… he noticed everything, besides the obvious that I wasn't better off without him. There was that flare of anger inside me again… that unexplainable frustration at his arrogance.

"What is it?"

"If you want to stay, you have to… to sit over there. I want you here, but…"

"Baby steps," Edward soothed, brushing his fingers in my hair. "It's okay, I understand."

"Baby steps," I agreed, kissing his lips delicately before walking over to the bed as Edward walked to the seat.

Buried beneath the covers, I felt guilty for leaving Edward over there out in the cold. It was warm under here, all cosy. For a moment, I liked it as our eyes danced together in the dimly lit bedroom, scanning and catching guilty glimpses at the other.

But soon after, when the warmth became too much making me a little sweaty and agitated, I started to toss and turn underneath the blankets. I kicked one of them off, much to the amusement of Edward. I watched his face itch into a smirk.

"It's no good," I sighed impatiently, sitting upright, and shooting Edward a glance across the room. "It's too warm. In Forks! It's too warm, who would have thought?"

Slowly, giving me time to protest, Edward got up off the seat opposite and made his way across to me. He gave me a look that said '_stop me, if I'm acting out of order' _but I didn't. I'd asked him to do what he wanted, and that's what he was doing. I wasn't going to knock him away now.

"Well, you see, Bella, I think it's because you have too many blankets. Why is that?"

I blushed as I answered, "they were easier to hide under," which caused Edward to grimace.

"Maybe, if you'd like, I could even it out?" he suggested calmly.

I bunched the covers up, letting him get inside them. This was new for us; we'd always lie on top of the covers, or I was buried beneath them with Edward lying on top. It was just what we were doing, experiencing new things. We were venturing out again, learning to love again.

"This is better." I smiled as Edward's cool body pressed against mine. The contrast between the warmth and the cold evened out perfectly.

"I love you, Bella," Edward breathed into the dark as I lay beside him.

I wanted to reply, respond with the words that should always be echoed. I knew I loved him; always had, always will. I'd told him I loved him, already. But I couldn't. Not just yet… not right now… not when I was still so full of pessimistic emotions that roared inside of me when I thought of how my own thoughts had been belittled and ignored because Edward was so obviously superior with his vampirism.

"It's okay," he said quietly, defeated, after noticing my silence. "It takes time."

And so he settled with a 'goodnight, Edward' and a small moan of comfort as things were finally evening out. My eyes drifted to a close to the sound of Edward's faint humming, the vibrations of my lullaby rocking me to a slumber.

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_What did you think? Please review with your thoughts :)_

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_Thanks for reading x_


	17. Chapter 17

_This is one of the longer chapters in this story, so I hope you enjoy it :) I actually love this chapter. You're lucky that you're getting it now. I was going to upload it tomorrow, but I'm getting up early to go and visit a friend. You want to know something? The friend I'm visiting I met here, on this website. Can you believe it? 8 months ago, we started talking, and now I'm going to stay at her house! Cool, right?_

_I hope you enjoy the story, and don't forget to drop me a comment at the end! :)_

* * *

The morning came in a sense of bliss, and I found myself wrapped inside Edward's arms, just as I had fallen asleep the previous evening. I rolled over, shrugging off Edward's grip. Sitting up, I kicked off the majority of the blankets that Edward and I were buried beneath.

"Good morning, Bella," Edward said, leaning in to brush a hair out of my face. I dodged his touch, jumping out of bed and stumbling over a blanket that was bunched on the floor.

"Morning," I said quietly, looking at Edward in my bed.

"May I ask you something?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. I sat back down on the bed, on top of the blankets this time whereas Edward was still resting underneath. The time was five after ten; I'd slept a surprisingly long time.

"How come you wanted me to sleep beside you but can't bare to have me touch you this morning?"

"Pass?" I tried, grimacing.

"No passes, please, Bella. Being honest with me is something we need to do."

"I was _always_ honest with you_, _Edward. _You_ were the one that lied."

"I know, and I'm sorry." I leaned in to smack his arm, but he jumped out of bed too quickly, to avoid the contact and my inevitable pain as I hit a rock.

"Stop with the apologies, _please_!"

He gulped and nodded with a deep sigh. "You don't know how hard all of this is for me. Not having you believe me is so difficult. Not having you be honest with me is harder."

"Honestly?" I snapped, a little too roughly. "Honestly, it's because my mood for you comes in swings and roundabouts. One minute I can look at you, see your eyes, your face, remember everything good about you and I fall, head over heels, for you all over again. But another time, I look at you; I see the lips that kissed me goodbye, I see the eyes that convinced me you didn't love me, and I feel anger that makes your touch burn."

"Now? Where am I on the scale now?" His voice seemed to plead with me to be honest, but I couldn't spare his feelings just yet. When I had that surge of guilt, I remember how he didn't spare my feelings when he left me.

"I just want to hit you," I said clearly, before turning away, ashamed. I didn't like this bipolar attitude that I was having towards him; one minute an overwhelming love, another an urge to burst out in an angry rage.

"Bella, if you could hit me without hurting yourself, I would allow you to do so."

"I don't want you to _allow _me to do it. I want to be able to hurt you like you hurt me. I want you to be subjected to the scrutiny that I was subjected to." I felt my bottom lip tremble. "Does that make me a bad person?"

"No, Bella, it makes you human."

I didn't say what I wanted to say. I kept my mouth shut, making the intensity of the words in my head seem even louder. _I don't want to be human! I want to be equal! _They made my head hurt, until I closed my eyes.

"I felt it, too, Bella," Edward said. Opening my eyes, I saw Edward leaning across the bed to me. I felt his breath on my face. Was he doing this on purpose? Was he being like this to try and dazzle me into forgiving him? "There wasn't anyone to judge me, I know that, but I felt every inch of loss in every part of my body. Please don't think that I made the decision lightly. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do."

"I know, I _know_!" I exclaimed. "It doesn't make it any easier though. It doesn't make any difference _now._"

Edward opened his mouth, but stopped himself short. I raised my eyebrows instantly.

"What were you going to say?" I demanded, but Edward shook his head. "Tell me."

Edward sighed. "I was going to apologise, but I thought you'd try and hit me again." Amongst the seriousness of the situation, I heard the humour in Edward's voice. My eyes met his, and there was a smile to his lips. All anger melted away - for now, at least. It was just that easy.

"Bella, may I ask you something?"

"If I refuse, would you ask me anyway?"

"Probably." He grinned. I sat down on the bed, and shuffled a little closer to him, feeling the pull of him. "Can I take you out today?"

I started to protest, but he silenced me by raising a finger to my lips. "Fall in love again, that's what you said. I want to take you places, and be with you, just you and I. Get to know each other, again."

I weighed this up in my mind. The idea didn't seem too bad. On the contrary, it seemed quite appealing; that was until I flipped out at him again and ruined the day. But, right now, it was the right thing to do. I nodded, smiling as he placed a kiss on my cheek, and I rushed into the bathroom.

After showering, I came back to find a note:

_I've gone to change.  
__I'll pick you up in an hour.  
__All my love, Edward x_

I dressed, several times, and combed through my wet hair before pulling it back into a quick pony tail. Charlie was still asleep in bed, amazingly – but, after all, he did have a hard day yesterday after mopping the kitchen floor - so I left a note on the kitchen table telling him I'd gone out…with Edward, telling him I had my cell phone, I wouldn't be late, and not to worry. I knew he'd freak out but at least I wouldn't be around to witness it. Maybe he'd clean the bathroom floor to take his mind of it.

I ate a banana, forced down a slice of toast, drank a glass of water and washed them up just as there was a knock at the door.

Edward was standing there, dark jacket and dark jeans, a smile on his face and a rose in his hand. "I love you," he said. I loved the fact that as he handed it to me, I noticed that all of the thorns had been cut off, making it a safe gift.

The gesture was romantic at first thought - but then I felt a boil in my blood as Edward led me to the car. I tried to bite back the anger but the rose was mocking me. He'd cut off the thorns because I'd bleed if my finger pricked it. That in itself was enough to scream at me that I was still a fragile human – ugh!

I slid into the Volvo as Edward held open the door for me, before he circled the engine at vampire speed and got in the drivers seat beside me.

"Wait," I said quickly. He turned to look at me, worriedly, scanning me for injuries. Rolling my eyes, I asked, "You'll do anything?"

"Anything." There wasn't a moments pause.

I grinned widely, mischief in my eyes. Edward seemed to notice that I wasn't in my negative state, I was just messing around. "Let me drive."

His eyes met mine, staring at me for just a second. That was all it took for him to get out of the car, return back to the passenger side and open the door.

"Anything," he repeated as he handed me the keys, although I noticed reluctance when it came to letting go of them. Smiling, I took them and rushed around to the driver's seat, amazed at my luck. I started the engine. Beside me, Edward kept reaching out and then resting his hand back in his lap as we began to drive.

"Can you speed up? Unlike your truck, my baby actually goes faster than the speed limit."

"Can you shut up?" I replied, and Edward was instantly silenced. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"Port Angeles. Keep driving, please."

"You hate me driving, don't you?"

"I don't necessarily like it…" he said quietly. I couldn't help but smile.

"Are you going to sulk about it?"

"No, I'm not sulking."

"You are."

"Bella, I'm fine."

"Let's play a game," I suggested suddenly, turning the radio on for a little bit of background noise. Naturally, it was programmed into the classical station so I just let that play around us, wrapping us in our own bubble. I liked the sound of the music after not hearing something so peaceful for so long. Edward shifted in his seat.

"Okay…" he agreed slowly. "What kind of game?"

"I spy?"

"You really want to try that with a vampire?" He grinned. I could hear the humour in his voice, the testing, and the desperation for me to say yes.

"Okay. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with 'L'." I smiled, proud of my sneaky spot.

"Light?" he guessed but I shook my head. "Lever?" Again, I shook my head. "Lamp-post? No? Ermm… Lane?"

"No." I sighed, emphasising boredom. "Thought you were supposed to be good at this?"

"I am!" he insisted. "Label?"

"Label, are you kidding me?" I smirked, looking around dramatically to try and find a label. Edward pointed to the words 'air conditioning' under a heat dial. I blushed, embarrassed at having been caught out, and look at him expectantly for the next guess.

"Tell me then."

"You really want to know?" He nodded. "You're really going to give in, that _easily?_ Well, alright then… Lash."

"Lash?"

"Yeah, like eyelash. I can see mine, you can see yours."

"Eyelash begins with 'E', Bella," he replied with a chuckle. "Oh, turn left here."

I took the turn, breathing deeply. Edward directed me the rest of the way, telling me where to turn and what to do. Frankly, it was beginning to annoy me. I knew how to drive! Sure, he might have been around when the first car was invented, but I could drive just as well as he could. I knew which turns to take if he just told me where we were heading.

"Can't you just tell me where we're going?" I snapped, and he laughed at my impatience. "Were you gone long enough to forget I hate surprises?"

Edward stopped laughing. He was silent, for several minutes, until he indicated for me to turn into the parking lot where I pulled into one of many empty spaces. I got out the car, waiting for Edward to get out. After locking the car, I threw Edward the keys which he caught effortlessly.

"Bella?" Edward whispered, loud enough for me to hear but still very quiet. I nodded so he knew I'd heard. "I never forgot. I could never forget. That's what I'm here to show you."

He didn't take my hand, but he directed me through the streets by just the attraction I had for him. A bit like a dog following its owner, I followed Edward - in some kind of alluring trance - until we stopped by a dress shop.

"You remember this shop?" he asked. I nodded, looking up at the sign. It was where Jessica and Angela had shopped for prom dresses all that time ago. It was only open for a couple of hours today because of it being a Sunday, but we'd caught it at just the right time.

"Come on." Edward waited for me to enter, before he came in behind me. "Look around."

"Why?"

"I'd like to buy you a dress, Bella, if you'll let me. You didn't buy one when you were here last time, so I'd like to buy you one this time around. This one is nice." He held up a blue one, floor length with no straps. I shook my head. "This one?" The red one that he held up next was okay too but a little too long when he placed it against my body.

"No."

"This one?" I couldn't shake off this dress; an emerald green, knee length dress. It looked really pretty.

"Okay," I said quietly, taking it from him and going towards the changing room. I slipped it on, pushing the material against my body. I realised I needed Edward's help to fasten the zip. Pushing back the curtain, I walked out awkwardly, trying to hide from the store assistant behind the desk who was filing her nails. Edward gulped, and walked forwards.

"You look beautiful."

"Can you fasten the zip, please?"

I felt his hands move to the small of my back, and I heard the zip, felt his hands and the cool of the metal. I shivered at his touch, and then spun around when it reached the top.

"It fits okay."

"It fits you perfectly."

Edward unzipped me, and I returned to the changing room to take off the dress, slipping it back on the hanger. Edward paid for the dress, much to my annoyance, but he wouldn't hear my protests.

From the dress shop, we walked in a different direction. The air was light, and I walked closely beside Edward, our elbows bumping on occasion. I felt a tingle in my stomach as we walked. It was nice, normal, to be walking around in Port Angeles with Edward, just regular boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

"Where now?" I asked, looking around.

"Just up here," he said, directing me through an alleyway. I stopped still, right in the middle of the narrow bricked pathway.

"Why have you brought me _here_?" I asked in a croak.

"I want to prove to you that you can't be scared anymore. You stopped walking because you remembered the men that attacked you just up here, am I right? But you're going to keep going, and I'm going to be right next to you. You'll be moving on. We'll be moving on."

His hand dropped to his side, and his fingers fumbled with my own until they entwined and we walked, joined, in the alleyway. It didn't seem as bad this time, with Edward and in daytime.

"Here," he said, indicating our surroundings." I helped you. Right here, all I cared about was your safety."

I didn't say anything as he continued to lead me around the streets, passing cars on the roads and shops that were either opening up for an hour or so, or just closing after their short Sunday period. We walked, hand in hand, with the air tickling our cheeks; the song of the streets was our music as we continued along.

Then we came to the restaurant where I'd eaten, after the attack, and I came to a second halt. He waited patiently for me to start walking again, and we entered the restaurant. Edward, it seemed, had made reservations and we sat inside a dimly lit booth.

The waitress came straight away, desperate to talk to the gorgeous man who'd just walked in, flirtatious – just like last time – and I ordered a pasta dish, and a diet coke.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Fall in love again," he repeated. "Each step that we'd taken when we first met was a gradual step to falling in love with you. I didn't want to talk whilst driving, when we walked about what I was, but here seemed as close as I could get. I want to show you that it'll happen, Bella. Despite everything, we fell in love, ignoring the boundaries. We can do it again. We _will_ do it again."

_When we talked about what I was, _he'd said. I heard the words. Like a hurricane, they swirled around in my thoughts for a minute as Edward continued to talk, mentioning Alice amongst other things, as I looked into my lap.

"I love you for so many things. I love you because of the way you think and the way you behave. I love you because of your blush that colours your cheeks beautifully. I love you because you're passionate and protective about the things you care about. I love you because you loved me too. I love you because you said it didn't matter."

Looking up, Edward was watching my every move, taking it all in with his golden eyes.

"You're right. I said it didn't matter that you are a vampire," I whispered. "So, Edward, why did it matter to you so much that I am human?"

Our gaze was fixed; chocolate on golden, human on vampire, Bella on Edward. We didn't move or say anything for several moments, and only when the waitress placed the coke on the table did we break eye contact._t_

"I was so scared of hurting you," he murmured.

"But I never was. I was not scared, not once," I said back to him, in the same quiet undertone. "This is what gets to me. This is what makes me want to hit you -_ this _incessant need to always be in control and sure. _I'm _certain that you won't hurt me. At least, I _was_ certain you wouldn't hurt me."

"I'm-"

"Sorry? Yes, I got that the first fifty times you told me."

His hand snaked out from the sleeve of his jacket, reaching across the table to take my hand in his. Each cold finger wrapped around my hand, drawing circles on the flesh and making goose bumps jump to the surface.

"I hate being human."

Edward flinched in my arms, but he couldn't question what I'd said as the waitress laid the pasta dish in front of me and giving a cheeky smile to Edward before waiting another table.

"You shouldn't," he said softly. "There's so much you can do as a human being."

"And so much I _can't _do," I added, taking a forkful of pasta into my mouth. After swallowing, I said, "It's not so much being human I hate, more the unbalanced scales of everything. I hate not being equal with you."

"It doesn't matter," Edward said, trying to quote me.

"If only that were true…" I mumbled, eating the rest of my pasta in another silence filled with unsaid thoughts, unspoken truths and fierce emotions hanging over us with its compressing weight.

We left the restaurant mid afternoon. When Edward asked me if I wanted to drive, shocked, I answered no. I couldn't deal with Edward twitching beside me, and I didn't think I could concentrate on the road.

At random moments, my eyes seemed to fill up with tears, blurring my sight and blocking my throat with the large lump. Instead of talking to Edward on the way home, I stared out of the window watching as Port Angeles slowly blended back into Forks.

He didn't take me home. No, just as I thought he would have done, my house in sight, he swerved the car and positioned it right on the border of the trees where the forest started. Panic rose in me like wildfire, spreading through every inch of me. I felt it in my toes, in the very tips of my fingers; I felt the ache of the panic in my quick breaths and the sting of the tears in my eyes.

"Come for a walk with me," he suggested. It was exactly what he'd said last time. After months of replaying the conversation over and over, looking for faults, for clues, I had the manuscript of his speech forever scribbled on the inside of my mind.

"Don't do this, Edward. Please, I get it. I do. But I can't live through it again." I couldn't hide the shakes and tremors that my voice came out in. I couldn't stop the tears that fell either, the traitorous tear ducts finally collapsing.

"Please, Bella, trust me. Come with me."

"I don't. I can't. Not yet. Please, _please _don't make me go."

I couldn't go in there. I couldn't have the trees shadow me, echoic as Edward told me he was leaving again. I didn't want that image any more defined in my mind than it already was.

My car door opened beside me, Edward leaning against my seat with his magical breath washing over me, turning my hot tears cold.

"Come with me," he repeated again. His hand reached out, and I took it, clinging on with all of my strength, never wanting to let go.

My steps were wobbly, with the uneven flooring and feeling physically weak like I was about to collapse, but Edward helped me under the trees before stopping, barely on the trail - just like before -and let go of my hand.

He opened his mouth to speak, and the breath caught in my chest. I coughed and spluttered, as unattractive as I could be, tears streaming down my face.

"It's okay, Bella; it's okay." He took a step forward to me, wrapping his arms around me. I buried myself in his chest, my own chest heaving in spurts and uneven sobs. I felt my tears leak onto his shirt, making a large damp space where my face was so tightly pressed against him.

He pulled away, moving to take a strong hold of both my hands.

"You're so scared," he said quietly. "Don't be, please."

My eyes stung. I couldn't form coherent words as my chest just shook and my breaths came out in sniffles and sudden gasps; an awful sound (and sight).

"Right here, I told you I was leaving. I t-told you that I didn't want you to c-come with me. I told you that you weren't good for me. Bella, you are the best thing for me. You made me _feel_. I'd been numb for so long…" He placed a small kiss on my forehead and I shuddered. "I kissed you here."

"Why are you doing this, Edward?" I sobbed, tears as thick and fast as waterfalls making their way down my scorching skin. "It hurts. Please, stop. I don't… I already know what you did. I didn't forget. You think I could? Please, I already know _everything _that happened here."

"Oh, Bella." He placed another kiss on my forehead, my nose, my lips. "No, you don't. Do you know that it broke me to see you so scared and upset? Do you know that all I wanted to do was wrap you up in my arms and smother you with kisses? Do you know that every one of your reactions has haunted me, and that I had to run away from you as quickly as I could to put some distance between us, so I knew I couldn't go back? How hard it was for me to tell you I didn't want you? How difficult it was to say goodbye?"

"I don't want to know, Edward, please." I closed my eyes, trying to block it all out. The trees, the air, his scent, his face… "I already have too much of my own pain."

"I'm so sorry. No, don't hit me. Don't. Let me say it. Let me help you. Let me make it all go away. I hate things being this way. I'm so sorry, Bella. Moving on, that's what we're doing, yes? That's what we'll do."

"You're not leaving me? You're staying?" I asked. Edward's face morphed into confusion before he realigned his face again.

"You thought I was bringing you here to leave you again, Bella? Oh, no. I can't leave. Not now, not ever."

As Edward pulled me close, breathing his cold breath into my hair and peppering kisses there, my mortality merged back into my mind. Edward said he wouldn't leave me but, one day, I'd end up leaving him.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't, not just yet. Things weren't right, and they needed to be before I said anything.

I remained pressed against Edward for a long time, holding him as close as possible. I didn't want to let go of him now. I didn't want to let go of him, ever.

* * *

_..._

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	18. Chapter 18

_I've tried really hard to get this chapter to you. It's more of a thank you for all of the support you gave me for the last chapter. It was the best response I've been given so far :) I'm getting my GCSE results tomorrow, so wish me luck ;) I hope you enjoy this chapter. _

* * *

School on Monday morning was… interesting. Edward wasn't back in school yet – Esme and Carlisle needed to re-enrol him again – but news travels fast when you live in such a small town, like Forks. I got several stares from people in the corridors, and I had questions thrown at me fiercely. Neither were nice, and some were rude but Alice walked around as my own personal body guard, making everyone shy away from me with that '_back off, I'm small but fierce'_ stare. It wasn't the first time that I wondered where I'd be without Alice.

In true vampire speed, Esme and Carlisle had returned home by the time I'd finished school on Monday. Edward was waiting on my driveway as I pulled in from school, smiling at me and giving me a small kiss on the lips before I invited him inside. He told me they were home, that he'd be at school on Wednesday after Esme had sorted everything out. Almost nervously, he told me that I was invited for dinner tomorrow night.

Only, I had to tell him that I wasn't available Tuesdays or Thursdays. My meetings with Dr. Geller were on those evenings, and he told me how sorry he was, and then apologised again for not knowing. I silenced his apologies with a kiss, promised him I'd go for dinner on Wednesday night instead and I spent the rest of the evening with Edward helping me with the school work I'd missed out on.

Charlie ignored him, for the most part. In a way, it was harder than having Charlie mutter things about him but I don't think Edward minded too much. He actually seemed too happy to see me to care. Besides, Charlie was just happy that Edward was here to help my study. That pile of work on my desk was slowly reducing.

Tuesday came and went. I found telling Dr. Geller that Edward was back, and our current situation, just as hard as I'd found telling Charlie. I wasn't ashamed of what we'd decided between us. How could you be ashamed of someone that you loved? No, I was embarrassed of what she'd say, how she'd analyse this and question my mentality.

Charlie certainly had. Her response was comforting, though. She asked me if I was sure this is what I wanted, if I was sure I knew what I was doing. When I assured her with a great sense of certainty that I did, she settled down and began asking me questions. For once, I was happy to answer them. They weren't intrusive, like I'd expected, or overly personal - just general bits of information that she asked me to share.

Like Charlie, she came to the same conclusion that I was happy now and that was the main thing. I found myself asking her what her opinion was on all of this. She gave me the answer that it wasn't for her to give her opinion on something that I was so sure about. I left feeling relieved.

Wednesday was a day that I wouldn't choose to relive. I'd awoken to the rain pattering against the window at full speed and I knew, from the comforts of my own bed, today would not be a good day.

With Edward back in class, his beauty lighting the corridors and earning stares at the lunch table, I felt the stares too. I heard a couple of calls echoed in the halls when Edward's hand was firmly in mine, ridicules taunting him with unnecessary opinions.

If anything, it helped to cement me closer to Edward. Whilst Edward was giving my hand tiny squeezes in support, I saw his own pain in his eyes and on his face. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted him to know that I didn't like it when he wasn't happy. I suffered when he suffered, even though, at times, I wanted him to feel my pain too. Did Edward see that?

I made sure I kissed him hard before we left the school parking lot at the end of the day, ignoring the stares of people as they wondered what was happening. Edward hadn't been back long, and the kiss that I forced onto Edward was passionate enough to have people curious. For once, although I blushed furiously, I didn't care. They were going to be seeing Edward and I together for a long time to come, so they might as well get used to it. That was, at least, what I repeated to myself over and over. It was hard to ignore though.

"Get a room," someone called, someone who was brave enough, before someone else shouted that Edward was a woman beater.

The way Edward tensed in my arms sent jolts of fury through me. I turned, saw a spotty junior close his mouth before quickly running to hide. Not so brave now, I thought, although the damage had been done. Edward realised that the world had placed the blame of my behaviour on him.

He left, with a quick goodbye and I told him I'd be round about six tonight for dinner, like arranged.

At home, I was a wreck. With every movement, I felt a jolt of nerves and that sickness feeling. It was the first opportunity that had aroused for me to meet his family again. It was stupid how nervous I was, dressing my body – that was slowly returning back to normal – and sorting through my hair.

"Bella?"

I spun around, seeing Charlie in the doorway of my bedroom, leaning against the door frame.

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I'm just pleased you're getting back to normal." He smiled at me, looking at the selection of tops that were laid out on my bed. I wanted to look nice for Esme and Carlisle, just like I had that first time. It seemed just as important now as it had back then.

"Getting there," I agreed with a smile. "Thanks for being good about all this, Dad."

He nodded in acknowledgement, walking forwards to sit onto the bed in the small space that wasn't covered in clothing.

"I've seen some interesting things over the past couple of days, Bells. It's a bit of a shock. You only got out the unit six days ago!" he stated, and hearing it said back to me made my eyes widen in shock. Had it only been six days? So much had happened since then!

"I guess so."

"I'm gonna wrap things up, Bells, 'cause I know you wanna go out. I'm proud of you. I think you're doing great. I want you to have fun tonight, okay? Forget studying and meetings with therapists and all that crap, okay? Have fun."

"Even with Edward?"

Charlie seemed to weigh this up for a second, and I saw a glimpse of something in his eye. He walked over to me, placing his arms around me for a split second before pulling away. "Especially with Edward. You've both had it rough, by the sounds of it."

Just as he went to walk away, he stopped at the bed, picking up the blue blouse that Edward liked. Throwing it at me, I caught it carefully.

"Knock him dead." He smiled. "No, literally. It'll save me a job."

With that, Charlie disappeared out of the door. It amazed me how accepting he was of everything. He repeated what he'd said that first morning sometime in the week; he wanted me to be happy, even though I found happiness in Edward. He seemed to admire Edward for helping me with my studies, too.

After dressing in the blue blouse, Charlie's recommendation, and applying some light makeup and curling some of my hair, I made my way down the stairs, throwing a goodbye to Charlie who was drinking the night away with a pack of beers, and drove to Edward's.

The nerves in my stomach were overwhelming. At one point, I thought I might have to pull over and vomit up the nerves in the side of the road but luckily I made it up that familiar road. It seemed different now it wasn't just Alice and Jasper home. When I saw Esme, however, hovering by the door through the window, all nerves seemed to disappear. She looked as fidgety as I felt, which was saying something for a vampire.

Getting out the truck, I made my way forward. The door flew open before my hand even knocked on the door and Esme did a small giddy dance before taking quick steps forwards and wrapping me up in her arms.

"It's so good to be back," she said into my hair before letting me go. I could see Carlisle, too, sitting reading the newspaper on the sofa, which he now folded and placed on the coffee table in front of him.

"Bella, it's so good to see you." He stood, with grace and value, walking over to give me a hug, too.

"You too." I couldn't stop my face from breaking out into a huge grin, goofy and toothy, which made me blush.

"That's what I've been missing!" The yell echoed around us as Emmett came bounding towards me at full force, picking me up (gently) and rubbing my hair. I grimaced. "That blush, right there." He pointed to my cheeks as he set me on the ground, as if anyone was confused as to where my blush was. "These people don't do that. You see these?" He took Esme's cheek between his fingers and wiggled them playfully. "No blush."

"Emmett," Esme said; her tone a warning.

"I got it, I got it," Emmett dismissed, waving his hands around. I had a feeling they'd all been warned to be on best behaviour, just like children are when they're younger. I rolled my eyes; it was probably Edward's doing. Speaking of which...

"Where's Edward?" I asked quietly.

"Upstairs," Esme said, just as Edward and Rosalie started walking down the stairs. By the look on both of their faces, the conversation the two of them had just had was not a pleasant one.

"I'm here."

Making his way over to me, Edward wrapped his arms around me, placing a kiss on my cheek. I felt awkward looking at Rosalie – the others had greeted me warmly whereas Rosalie made no attempt at all.

"Hi," I said weakly, giving a small uncomfortable wave in her direction. She offered me a forced smile back, or more of a grimace.

"Okay then!" Emmett clapped his hands. "I think we should do something, you know? What with us being back, Bella being here and the fact we haven't attacked her yet!" Edward stiffened behind me, his arms tensing a little at Emmett's joke. I watched as Esme gave Emmett a stern look. "Bit too early for jokes then, huh?" Emmett gave a nervous chuckle, and Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Uhm, where's Alice? And Jasper?"

"Oh, they should be back any moment. They just went to get you a welcome back gift," Esme explained with a look of excitement on her face.

"But I didn't go anywhere," I mused.

"That's not what I heard," Rosalie muttered quietly, but loud enough so I could hear. The burning in my cheeks returned as it seemed to be brought to my attention that I _did _go somewhere. It was so hard to think that I'd been on the unit only _six _days ago!

"Okay, shall we get comfortable?" Carlisle said, breaking the tension that seemed to have seeped in between us all. "We're just standing around."

We all seemed to head over to the couch at the same time, but Emmett said on the floor beside the chair Rosalie was sitting in, and Edward sat on the arm of the chair that I occupied. Carlisle and Esme were in the middle of the couch.

"So tell me then, honey, how's your father?" Esme asked.

"Oh, he's good, thanks, yeah. Baseball and beer, his two favourite things."

"You know, if I was human, I reckon me and your dad could be, like, buddies!" Emmett expressed, a smug smile on his face.

"I'm sure." I laughed a little too. "I'm sorry I couldn't come over on Tuesday," I said awkwardly.

"Not at all, Bella. Tonight will be better anyway." Esme smiled. "Have you joined a club or got a job or something?"

"Edward didn't tell you?" I said, turning round to look at him with wide, questioning eyes. He shrugged, shifting his weight on the arm of the chair, so I answered. "I have meetings with my therapist on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"Mood killer, huh?" Emmett snorted into the silence. "Where's Jazz when we need him?"

"No, honey, he didn't. I'm sorry," Esme continued as if Emmett hadn't said anything.

"No, no, it's fine. I'm fine." I tried to stop Esme looking so horrified.

"Obviously not," Rosalie scoffed quietly. From beside me, there was a small animalistic growl that radiated from Edward's chest. I didn't turn to look at him because I didn't want to draw attention to the noise he'd just made. But I did place my hand on his knee, trying to calm him down.

Carlisle seemed to have a more curious approach. "Tell me to mind my own business; which therapist do you see?"

"It's fine. Dr. Geller at Seattle, the adolescent unit," I mumbled, my cheeks a furious red.

"She's much respected and highly professional."

"She seems nice."

Just then, Jasper walked through the door. He eyed the family sitting around, and I saw a look of concern pass his face, and then he frowned. "Why all the negative emotion?"

"Bella was just telling us her sob story," Rosalie informed with a fake yawn. Edward jumped up suddenly, that same growl as before echoing loudly. I tried to pull him back down but he yanked his arm out of my hand just as Emmett stood up too, ready to defend Rosalie.

"Edward," I hissed in a whisper, and he turned around to look at me.

"You know what, I'm gonna take Bella upstairs for a bit." Edward held his hand out to me. I was torn between wanting to stay with Esme and Carlisle, and wanting to get out of the awkward situation as soon as possible.

As everyone expected me to do, I took his hand and let him lead me up the stairs. Rosalie scoffed as I tripped on the second step, as Emmett chuckled loudly. I hurried up the rest of them, focusing on not falling over, relief flooding me as I finally reached Edward's room.

It'd been so long since I'd been in there. Despite having visited the house with Alice, I hadn't been in Edward's room. It wouldn't have been furnished anyway, not with the lavish collection of music, the furniture and Edward's touch. So much of Edward was within these walls that it was comforting to be there, just because it contained so much of him.

"I'm sorry about all of that," he apologised.

"No, no, it's okay."

"I warned them to be polite."

"You can't warn them every time I come round, Edward. This is their home."

"I don't want you feeling uncomfortable."

"It's nothing worse than what I'm already used to. Besides, I don't want you to argue with your family over it."

"Rosalie was rude."

"She only said one thing."

"And Emmett? He was offensive, too."

"No. He wasn't any different than before all of this, so why should he act differently now? It's fine. It's how I want it to be - the same. Rosalie didn't talk to me, Emmett made jokes – that's the way things are, and its fine."

"I'm sorry."

He pulled me over to his leather couch, and I sat on his lap. The contact was nice and familiar, the way that his arms wrapped around me possessively; it made my body feel so attracted to him like this, holding me close.

"I hate it when you do that." I sighed.

"Do what?"

"Apologise. You've done it enough, already."

"You haven't forgiven me yet, Bella, therefore I'll continue to apologise, to make it up to you, until everything's okay again, until you trust me again, if you ever can."

"Fine, but you should know it irritates me."

"It does?"

"Edward, please listen to me, I don't think you really understand." He raised his eyebrows and I placed a small kiss on his cheek, moving along his jaw to kiss his lips, too. "I know I'm angry at you, or I _was_ angry at you, at least. I'm slowly feeling better about all of this. But you're treating me like glass, and I don't want to be. I don't want you to sit there and apologise to me, sulk in your self-loathing pose."

"I'm trying."

"I'm trying too," I said, wriggling in his lap. "That whole moving on thing… with the forest. I guess it worked. I feel better because of it. I'm not as scared any more. I couldn't be sitting like this," I indicated our position, "if I didn't trust you."

"Bella, you give me too much."

"I don't give you anything."

"You give me _everything. _You're giving me honesty. You give me your love."

I snuggled closer to his chest, loving that protective feel as his arms are wrapped around me. Shifting the weight of my legs, I swung them over so I was straddling him, with my legs either side of him. I pushed my chest against him, breathing into his neck as I held onto him tightly.

"You don't have to protect me anymore, Edward. I just want you to love me. I just want to be equal," I said breathily as I leaned in to press my lips against his.

I pulled away, suddenly. My mind swam with a raging idea that sent my pulse in startling shoots, and my heart beat quickly with a burning adrenaline. I could feel the idea swirling round my head, echoing in my ears like a booming fog horn; this intense feeling when you realised that you'd figured out something great.

"What is it, Bella?"

"What?" I replied, confused, before realising he was referring to my withdrawal. "Oh, nothing."

"Don't lie to me," Edward said. His eyes squinted with hurt.

"Not now," I excused, getting off of Edward's lap. I leant against him a little, enjoying the stability. "Later. Please."

"Alice is home," Edward stated.

"Didn't she come back with Jasper?"

"No, Alice sent him along before her to ease the situation."

"Oh, right." That was typically Alice.

I took his hand and I followed his down the stairs where Carlisle and Esme were sitting and chatting quietly, looking up to see Edward and I coming down the stairs just as Alice walked in. I didn't know where Rosalie, Emmett or Jasper had disappeared to.

Esme took the bag out of Alice's hand, reaching inside and pulling out a small box.

"I hoped the whole family would be here when we gave this to you, but it might be easier for you this way." She smiled, handing me the small box. "It's just a little something." I opened the box, revealing a small golden necklace. Fingering the gold, I discovered the words 'with love from your family' written in elegant script. "You never did leave our hearts, Bella."

"Thank you. It's… beautiful," I breathed, as Edward took it from me, fastening it around my neck.

"You're welcome." Esme pulled me into a hug, holding on a little longer than normal, giving me a gentle squeeze as she let me go.

"I'll take Bella home now," Edward said. I spun around, looking at him with a great stare. What?

"Oh, so soon?" Esme asked, sounding hurt. Edward's eyes pleaded with me to back him up, and I felt his hand on the small of my back. I couldn't refuse.

"I'm sorry. I've just had a really busy week."

"No, no, sorry. My fault. I forgot sometimes that you need to sleep," she said with a smile. "You're welcome any time, Bella, you know that."

I waved my goodbye as Edward ushered me out of the door. I'd been there just over an hour and I was being rushed away. I got into the passenger seat sulkily, wondering why my visit had been cut short. Edward seemed to sense my mood, resting his hand on mine.

"If we'd stayed there any longer, Bella, you'd have driven me mad."

"Why?"

"'Not now. Later.'" Edward quoted me from earlier, and I could tell why that was annoying him. It'd annoy me too, and I don't have half the concentration or mind capacity as Edward. "So? Are you going to tell me what got you all worked up?"

"Not now. Later," I repeated with a smug glare. Edward groaned with frustration, but I gave his hand a squeeze to let him know that it wouldn't be too long from now.

I just wanted to buy myself some time. The last time I mentioned immortality, Edward had done flipped out, refused point blank to change me, and then left me not long after. How would he react this time? Would knowing that we were so miserable apart change his mind?

I'd have to wait and see.

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_I had to include meeting the family at some point. I thought it was about time; Bella wouldn't go too long without seeing them, I thought. _

_What did you think? Please review :) _

_Thanks xx_


	19. Chapter 19

_I like to think that I'm good at updating; I don't want to keep you all waiting weeks for the next chapter which is why you keep getting them around twice a week. I hope you're enjoying them all :)_

_I got my GCSE results! I was very very pleased with them; A* in English and A in English Literature. The others were good too, but I'll assume they're the only ones you care about, if you care about them at all ;) I'm just very pleased with myself. Forgive me for telling you all..._

_Thanks so much for the continuous support that you're giving me! I really appreciate it :) I hope you enjoy this next chapter. This is where things get... well, you can see for yourself: _

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The drive home was almost as bad as the drive there. I was just as nervous, feeling a little sick, too but this time Edward was sitting beside me to watch and observe every move and emotion that I portrayed.

When I parked my truck on the driveway, Edward disappeared from my side after blowing me a kiss and into my bedroom via the window. I walked inside, excused myself from Charlie by claiming that exhaustion had overtaken me and Carlisle had told me it was best to rest. Charlie agreed – who would argue with a doctor as good as Carlisle? – and I traipsed myself up to my bedroom.

Edward was waiting, of course, sitting on my bed with flickering eyes. He noticed everything, absorbing every detail with those wide golden eyes, sucking everything in like a straw.

"I'm just gonna get changed," I muttered, grabbing my pyjama's off the floor – a tank top and shorts – and hurried to the bathroom.

I changed clothes, cleaned my teeth and washed my face, walking back to the bedroom with the knowledge that Edward wouldn't let this drop. Crawling into bed beside him, Edward sighed heavily. I turned to look at him and saw his narrowed eyes.

"What is it?" I asked, pushing myself up on my elbows so I could see him clearly.

"I don't want secrets with you, Bella. I know I don't have much right to say those things, but I regret lying to you. Please, don't lie to me." It sounded like a question the way he said it. He looked like he was hurting.

"Don't ask me questions and I won't lie." I bit my lip, awaiting his reaction. He just nodded and I was relieved that he'd understood.

"Okay," he said a little while later. "I won't ask. But I need you to talk to me, tell me things. I don't want you to close off from me."

"As if I could," I said with a smile. "Can I ask you a question?"

"And you'd like me to be honest, I presume?

"Yeah, of course."

"A little hypocritical, do you not think?" He grinned and I rolled my eyes. "Go ahead."

I took a deep breath, and moved my hands to play with the sleeve of Edward's shirt. "How come you didn't tell your family about my therapist?" My cheeks burned.

His finger brought my chin up so I could look him in the eyes, but I shrugged off the stare. "Why are you embarrassed by asking that question?"

"I'm not embarrassed!"

"You aren't looking me in the eye. You're fiddling with my shirt. Bella, you're blushing. Why are you embarrassed?"

"Well, I wondered if you are ashamed of me. If you didn't want them to know because I'm not quite the same as I was before," I said quietly, trying to pick at the stitching of his shirt.

He tried to lift my chin again gently. I let him. Those golden eyes didn't lie, not now, filled with warmth and love. "I'm never ashamed of you, Bella. It just wasn't for me to tell them. I didn't know if you wanted people to know."

"Your family isn't _people_, Edward. Of course they can know. I just… are you sure?"

"How can I be ashamed of you, Bella? You're my life."

Leaning in, I pressed my lips against his. They were cold but welcoming as we moved our mouths in sync, a hot and cold mash of lips. Trailing my hands from his chest, up his neck, to put them in his hair, I moved over so I was lying practically on top of him. Edward groaned into my mouth, a sound that sent me into my own state of frenzy.

But I pulled away. For once, it was me that ended the kiss. Edward seemed as shocked as I did, and I placed a chaste kiss on his lips just to assure him I was okay.

"I love you," I said, out of breath. "I love you, Edward." I kissed his lips again, a little deeper before pulling back again. Edward's hands were resting on my hips as I lay on top of him. "I forgive you. I do. I'm not properly fixed yet, there are still things that need to be worked on, but I forgive you."

He smiled, happiness curling his lips and reaching his eyes. "I love you, too." His breath washed over my face and I crushed my lips to his again, running my hands along his chest, up and down, feeling the contours of his muscles, the way he felt under my hands.

"Bella." He gently lifted my hands off of him, and rolled me off him so I was lying beside him. "Calm down," he whispered into my ear.

"I forgive you. I trust you. I want you."

He moaned a little, and closed his eyes. "I'll hurt you, Bella. We can't," he said as he removed my hand from his body again.

"You can only hurt me by rejecting me."

"Please don't say that, Bella. I can't take that chance with you. It's not rejection, it's protection." He sounded in pain as he said it. I met his eyes as he opened them, and he moved a little closer to me, brushing his lips against mine.

I sat up, pulling the covers up to my chin; my barrier, my protection against this cruel refusal. "What are you saying?" I croaked. "Never?"

"I don't know, Bella. It's… hard. I can't lose control with you. One touch that's too strong could crush you."

I flinched.

"But I _trust _you. We can't _never_ do this, Edward."

His eyes seemed to glaze over for a moment. There was a silence that lasted for what seemed like hours. He wet his lips with the snaking of his tongue, making them glisten and irresistible. Only I couldn't move. I was too scared to move in case Edward withdrew himself from me further. But then _he_ moved closer to me. His hands reached up to cup my face in them before placing a delicate kiss on my mouth.

"I'd planned on doing this differently, but now seems as good a time as any," he said quietly, his breath intoxicatingly close. "Marry me, Bella."

Time seemed to have stopped. Edward didn't move, silence ensured; time really had stopped. It was only the pounding of my heart right beside my ears that counted the seconds that passed.

"What?"

"Marry me, Bella. Then we'll be together forever."

"Edward, I…" I couldn't talk. Edward had just _proposed? _He'd seriously just asked me to marry him? It didn't seem real. Despite everything, the supernatural, the pain, the vampires and werewolves, everything… _this _is what hit me the hardest, what seemed most surreal. "Marrying you doesn't mean forever."

"Of course it does, Bella. You'll be my wife." He grinned widely as he said it.

"No, I meant _forever_. Marriage won't turn me immortal, Edward. My time will come to an end." This seemed like the only way to approach it. "You'll be a widower, eventually, when I die. Marriage won't make me immortal, Edward…" I took a deep breath. "But you can."

His face must have mirrored what mine had when he'd proposed. His eyes widened, a frown creasing his forehead. "What?"

"It makes sense," I began, pushing myself into him and placing a kiss on his lips. "Think about it, Edward, please. I know you don't want me to. I know you care so much about my soul. But you can have it. I've already given it you. I tried to tell you all this before. It'll mean we can really be married forever. Not just the hallmark version of forever, but actually _forever_. I'll be equal. I'll be able to hold you tightly, and you won't have to worry about crushing me. I'll always be able to keep up with you. I'll never let you walk away from me again, because I'll be able to catch you."

"Bella… I… I don't think I can." My face fell. My stomach dropped, plummeting that shattering fall, smashing at the bottom. He seemed to notice. "I can't do that to you. Please, Bella. It's not what I choose for you."

Despite my forgiveness, I felt the anger flare up at his words. "That's what I've been saying to you, Edward. Don't you see? It's not your decision. It's _mine. I _decide what I want. And I want to be with you. Forever."

"It's not fair for you. This life, it's unbearable, Bella. Listen to me when I tell you that I cannot do that to you. I cannot subject you to this kind of pain."

"It's nothing that I've already felt. Nothing compares to loosing you. I could deal with it, the thirst. You manage, Carlisle manages; your family are proof of that. I'll be like you, I'll manage, too. But I can't manage if I lose you again."

Edward pulled me close into him, our chests touching as we lay side by side. I felt his cold, but only snuggled myself deeper into him, tilting my head so I could see his face.

"No, Bella," is all he said, kissing my forehead.

Sitting upright, I shrugged off his hold. "But it isn't _your _decision. It's mine. I've made it."

"It's not a decision to be made lightly, Bella. You don't understand."

"Then help me to!" I exclaimed, frowning. I took a deep breath, quietening down a little. I whispered, "This decision isn't light to me. I didn't think about it just this minute. I realised it when Laurent and Victoria were here. I realised it when I knew was a responsibility. I don't _want _to be a responsibility anymore. I want to be equal with you."

Edward shook his head, eyes closed and lips pursed. It seemed, for a moment, like he was trying to block out my voice, rid his mind of the idea I'd planted there. I didn't want it to die though; I wanted it to grow and bloom in his head, until it was something he could agree to, want to agree to, want to fulfil.

"You could relax _completely _around me," I said. Slowly, I crawled that small distance that was left between us and straddled his hips again. I lowered my chest to his, practically lying across him with my legs either side of his. "We could be together," I breathed into his ear, hoping that this kind of angle on things would change his mind. Did I even have an effect on him, at all? Did he even find me attractive in that way?

"Bella, please." His voice was a croak, hoarse and rough, a complete contrast to his usually smooth and velvet voice. "The consequences of this are huge. You'll live to regret it."

"I can't regret being with you."

I lowered my lips to his, trying to nibble against his lip. I doubted he even felt it. He didn't move, preferring to lie still underneath me. Slowly, this burst of confidence that I'd felt was slipping away from me. I felt silly as I rubbed my hands against his chest, massaging his scalp with as much pressure as I could muster.

Then the confidence disappeared completely, leaving me horrified and drained as I lay there. I slid off of him, landing beside him with a creak of the bed. I brought my legs to my chest, wrapping my arms round me and facing away from Edward on my side.

"Bella?" A hand was trying to get me to turn back to face him. Only after a few nudges did I succumb to him.

"Don't you want me, Edward?" I asked weakly, embarrassed and rejected.

"Of course I want you, Bella," he stressed, leaning down to kiss my forehead.

"Just not forever?"

I looked at him, saw his eyes were darkening and he twisted me round completely. I was helpless to the strength he possessed. Always, he claimed he had to maintain control, but what reason did he have to be so anal about it all? Never once had he slipped; he'd never once threatened my safety in a metal frenzy, of any kind. Was it because I really didn't have much effect on him? Was he using his control as a barrier between the two of us?

"I asked you to marry me, Bella. Of course I want you forever."

"Marriage doesn't last forever, and neither do I. I'll die. I'll grow old, and I'll die. I'll get all wrinkly and saggy whilst you stay perfectly seventeen. I'll gross you out with age, and you'll get sick of me."

"Bella, I love you, and I'll continue to love you no matter how your body changes. As much as I find you incredibly beautiful, I love you for you, not your body."

"But I don't want that. I don't want to be eighty with a seventeen year old boyfriend. It's wrong… on so many levels. We could never be normal that way! People would think you're my grandson!"

"Does it matter what others think, Bella? If we were happy together, would it matter?"

"I couldn't be happy knowing that I was years from death, knowing I would be only years from losing you forever. If I was immortal, then our marriage _would_ last forever. We'd have forever."

"You don't deserve this life, Bella. You deserve to live a happy, human life. I realise now that I'm going to be a part of this. But I won't take your humanity from you, Bella, and I certainty won't take your soul, either."

I ran my hand through my hair and bit my lip. After so long of planning to ask him for immortality, so I can be equal and as able as he is, it went so wrongly off track. The proposal had been a shock and like a domino reaction, it forced my request out of me, too.

"Edward?" I asked quietly, trailing my finger over his lips, tracing their beauty and delicacy. "Do you want me?"

"You've already asked me that! Of cou-"

"No," I interrupted him, placing my finger over his lips to silence him. "I didn't mean like that. I meant… physically." I gulped. "Sexually."

I saw the muscles in his face tense, and I felt them, too. The way he gulped and then nodded. His eyes seemed to darken.

"I'm still male, Bella, no matter what my species." He leaned in for a kiss. I took my opportunity and pushed myself against him, holding his head next to mine as I tried to deepen the kiss. As always, he pulled away. "We can't, Bella. Besides it being highly improper for us to do this out of wedlock-"

"Out of wedlock? Are you kidding me?"

"Bella, it's inappropriate for us to-"

"This isn't the twentieth century any more! It's accepted nowadays. We can try, it's okay. We don't have to be married."

"In my time, sexual desires were explored after marriage."

"But we don't live in _your _time, any more. We have cars, computers; it's all modern. It's fine."

"Please, Bella. It's dangerous at any time, but marria-"

"What do you suggest, Edward? Do you think that marriage will suddenly make me indestructible?

"No," he said weakly.

"So what then? We marry and we can't consummate it?"

"It's dangerous for you, Bella. I cannot and will not put your safety on the line like that."

"It seems the only option for the two of us is the one option you aren't even considering." I looked him squarely in the eye. "There aren't any negatives for you, besides having me for an eternity, but you assure me that you want me forever. So why don't you want this?"

"There aren't any negatives for me?" he repeated. "Bella, are you insane? Don't you think watching you suffer is unbearably painful for me? Three days of excruciating pain – words can't even describe how painful the change is, Bella. I cannot be the one to put you through that, let alone the scorching thirst that follows afterwards, and the loss you'll feel when friends and family you know will slowly die."

I flinched. The thought of saying goodbye to Charlie and Renée hadn't really crossed my mind, not yet, at least. As for friends, it was pretty safe to say that I didn't have many, if any at all. Edward was my life.

"Three days of pain so I can live with you forever? I accept it won't be easy, Edward, but what is? It's worth it."

"You're asking me to take your humanity, Bella. This is a big deal. The change is irreversible. Forever is a long time."

"I'm giving you my humanity in return for something better. Life is too short, they always say. Imagine how quickly it will go for us. You can't control everything, Edward. Who's to say that I don't get ill? I could get cancer at thirty three, and then I don't even get my eighty years with you. Forever, with you, is not long enough."

Edward rubbed his hand on his face and exhaled deeply. "I can't make this decision now, Bella, and neither can you."

"I love you," I whispered firmly. "That's all that you need to know."

"You need to know more. You're making uninformed decisi-"

I placed a finger across his lips, silencing him. "Edward, don't patronise me, please," I said in an undertone. "I know. Maybe I don't know the finer details, but I know it'll all be worth it." I paused. "Just think about it, please, _for me?_"

Edward groaned frustrated. "Yes, okay. I'll _think _about it, for you."

I touched his cheek with my finger, tracing his cheekbone. "Does the idea really repulse you that much?"

"Repulse isn't the right word, Bella. But, yes, I don't like the idea, at all."

"You'd really be prepared to say goodbye to me when my time came?"

"No. Nothing could ever prepare me for that. And I wouldn't be around long after to dwell on that."

I raised my eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't lie to you, Bella, when I told you you're my life now. I would put an end to my existence when that time comes."

"What?" I sat bolt up right, staring down at Edward with as much force as I could muster. It wasn't hard to have that fury flowing through me. Edward? Dead? "That's ridiculous!"

"It's what I expect to happen."

"You expect to happen? Are you crazy, Edward? You... you just can't do that!"

"Life wouldn't be worth living without you."

"Does your family know that?"

"Know what?"

"That you plan to kill yourself when I die?"

"No. Although I'm sure they could figure it out if they actually thought about it. They know how much you mean to me."

"I… what about Esme? And Carlisle? You can't just leave them."

"They'll manage. They have each other."

"Last time Esme lost a son, Edward, she tried to kill herself." I looked at him angrily. "Why are you being so selfish?"

"Selfish?"

"Just thinking about yourself! You haven't even thought about your family; let alone taking into account _my _feelings in all of this."

"Bella, your well-being is why I don't like the idea."

"Forget my well-being for just one minute, _please_! I think we've already figured out that you don't know what's best for me."

"It's late. You should go to sleep," Edward said, looking disheartened. My anger died down a little bit.

"I'm not angry at you, Edward. Not anymore. I've told you I've forgiven you. But if you continue to keep making mistakes, and trying to judge for yourself what I want, we're going to get ourselves into a deeper mess. _Please, _just think about it?"

He nodded. I flicked the bedside lamp off, letting the room fall to complete darkness. Shuffling down, I lay beside him with my head resting on his chest, fumbling for his hand until I felt his cool fingers in mine.

"I love you," I whispered, pressing a kiss onto his stomach.

"I love you, too." He kissed my hair. "Goodnight, Bella."

I fell asleep almost instantly, and the dreams that passed through my mind as I slept were full of a vampire me; beautiful, strong, fast…equal. That was all I wanted – to be equal.

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_What do you all think? Please review with your thoughts :)_

_Thank you xx_


	20. Chapter 20

_Thank you so much for all of your response so far! I really enjoy reading your thoughts. I like this chapter and I hope you do, too :) _

_I've written a one-shot called 'Her Sunshine Smile' - which is about five-year-old Bella visiting Charlie during the summer - for 'Novel Novice Twilight One Fine Summer Day' contest. Please check it out? Thank you :)_

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By the following week, nothing had changed: at school, people still stared, eyes following me around the maze of corridors and the floods of people, watching and judging as I clung to Edward for support; at home, Charlie was still particularly stubborn towards how much time I was spending with Edward, and we heatedly discussed what was best for me; during therapy, I continued to talk about Edward, about my progressions, about general things until my time was up and I could come home. With Edward, the subject of immortality, marriage and love making were completely taboo. It seemed that the mention of one was the discussion of all three – equally linked and seemingly subjects that Edward would not discuss.

So by the following Wednesday, when my mind had suffered a week of careful conversation, I finally decided we needed to discuss it. In the week that had passed, our tensions were running high.

_Edward, can we talk later?_ I passed the note over to him in Biology, and receiving a confused look in return.

Scribbling something down quickly, he returned the letter to me, yet it still managed to remain in his elegant script: _Of course. Is everything all right?_

I sent back one word: _Later._

With Biology being one of our first lessons, I had to carry on throughout the day with curious stares, odd prying questions accompanied by gentle touches of comfort. It felt nice, but I still wouldn't give in to persistent Edward.

Edward left his car with Alice, preferring to ride home with me. He fidgeted a little as we walked to my truck, hurrying me along by gently guiding me, his hand on the small of my back. He opened the door for me and helped me inside, almost as if I was pregnant, and whizzed round to the passenger seat.

"It's later, Bella. What's the matter?" he said as soon as the door had shut. I hadn't even had time to start to engine.

"I'm fine, Edward. But…just wait. I can't drive and talk about this."

Starting the engine, I began to drive. Edward offered to take us home - most probably with the intention of getting us there quicker - but the journey would have been annoying as he insulted the durability of my truck.

He sighed loudly when we were half way home, but I shut him up with a tap of the hand, much like a small child, and he smirked at me sideways.

All too soon, I'd pulled onto the driveway and let myself into the house.

"Now can we talk about this?"

I slung my coat onto the peg and kicked off my shoes. After getting myself a drink, I settled myself on the couch where Edward swiftly joined me.

"I have two things to ask you, okay?" Edward nodded. "The first thing is that I want you to come meet Dr. Geller with me tomorrow. She suggested it'd be a good thing for both of us. Of course, you can say no and it won't be a problem."

"No, of course I'll come, Bella!"

"Good, okay. Second, have you thought about what I asked you to?" My voice croaked, evidence that despite my forwardness, I was quivering inside with nerves. It seemed, no matter how familiar I became with Edward, questioning something that was so uncertain didn't have a positive effect on me.

"Yes, I've been thinking about it."

"And?"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Bella. It's as off limits as it was when we talked about it a week ago."

"Yes, but a week ago it was a new idea to you. Think about it… really think-"

"Bella, I _have _been thinking about it."

"Well, not hard enough!"

I felt the frown take over my face, my forehead creasing under the weight of my frustration. Edward's hands cupped my face, bringing me in for a soft kiss. "You're adorable."

I pulled away from him just after our lips touched. "I don't want to be adorable. I want to be _sexy_!" I exclaimed before clamping my hand over my mouth, a blush burning my cheeks. Had I just said that aloud? I cringed. At least whenever I talked in my sleep, I was unconscious and couldn't feel the embarrassment of my words.

Edward's golden eyes bore into mine. "You _are _very sexy, too, Bella." It sounded as if the words had to be forced out of his mouth, the way his jaw was so tightly set. If he was going to lie to me, he could at least do it better than that.

"You haven't thought about it, at all, have you? If you had, you'd be able to give me better answers," I snapped.

"Listen to me, I don't want to repeat myself to you. It's dangerous. All of it; I cannot make love to you without you being changed, and I will not change you because you do not deserve this life. I would like your hand in marriage but you refuse to consider this option."

"Only because you refuse to consider mine!" I protested, sitting up on my knees so I could make my head the same height as his.

"What?" Edward seemed confused, a strange look glazing over his features before he turned to rest his eyes on me.

"Only because you refuse to consider mine," I repeated in an undertone, wondering what I could have said to make him react this way. "Edward?"

"Nothing, okay, right." His words didn't make any sense and I wondered what in gods name I had done to render a _vampire _speechless!

I rested my hand on his shoulder as he suddenly melted away the ice cover that had consumed him, returning to normal. "Oh, did you want some help with today's homework?" he asked.

I stared at him, completely bewildered by Edward's behaviour, but nodded weakly anyway. As I retrieved my bag from the discarded position by the door, I continued to watch Edward. Although he'd snapped out of whatever trance he was in, there was something going on behind those eyes. Everything was perfect, of course, as he helped me. Whatever was causing him to behave strangely did not affect the way his brain was functioning, only his distancing between me.

When Charlie came home, he decided that was enough of Edward for one day. He asked him to leave so we could spend some time together. We lasted a fifteen minute conversation about school before the TV got switched on and I busied myself with dinner.

By the time I went to bed, Edward beside me, the careful conversation returned. Marriage, sex and immortality were all bundled back up into a taboo package as if we hadn't spoken about it at all.

For the whole of the following day, I was a bucket of nerves. Edward noticed it, as did Alice. My English teacher was not happy when I almost fell of my stool after being addressed firmly, nor was Charlie when I burnt the dinner because of my gazed out expression.

It seemed that taking Edward to meet Dr. Geller played on my mind more than I cared to admit. What was more annoying was that I couldn't put my finger on _why_! I mean, it wasn't as if Edward didn't know how he affected me, and it wasn't as if Dr. Geller was unaware of the situation.

But it seemed… to put the two of them together, face to face, it would blend my worlds; my past, my zombie state, with my present, my chance of a future and happiness.

Edward was driving me there after he recognised that I wasn't really in a fit state to drive anywhere.

"Bella, are you sure you're okay?" He turned to look at me, despite driving, and caressed my face with his hand. "I know you're nervous, but it'll be okay. If you want me to sit outside and not come in, then that's ok-"

"No, no. I'm just being stupid. I don't even know why."

"You aren't stupid, Bella."

"I feel it," I mumbled quietly, looking out the window to avoid Edward's stare. "Just get me there, and then we can get out quicker."

"Are you usually this nervous, or is it just because I'm coming with you this time?"

"I'm normally this nervous."

"You haven't got any better at lying, Bella." He smiled, but then sighed heavily.

"I don't know why, okay? Just stop talking."

As soon as I'd said that, I wished I hadn't. The silenced that followed was worse than the conversation; it was quiet enough so that I could hear the pounding of my heart in my ear. I switched the radio, trying to drown out myself as we drove. Edward's knuckles were positioned tightly on the steering wheel. After too long, we pulled into the parking lot.

I got out of the car, shaking my head when Edward made movements to open my door for me. When we were several steps away from the door, however, I walked closer to Edward, holding onto his hand tightly.

"It'll be fine, Bella," he soothed, pressing a kiss on my hair as we walked into the door.

I checked in at reception, and waited until I was called forwards for my appointment. Edward's hand was resting on my knee, protective and assuring until my name was called and I walked slowly to Dr. Geller's room with ease.

Unlike the time when I was on the unit, I didn't have my sessions in the therapy room. Instead, we stepped into Dr. Geller's office, deep red walls, dimly lit and cosy.

"Hi Bella, and you must be Edward," Dr. Geller said with a smile, offering her hand.

"Hello, it's nice to meet you," Edward replied, taking her hand and shaking lightly.

"Please, sit down."

Edward joined me by sitting beside me on the couch that was in the far corner of the room, and Dr. Geller pulled her wheely chair over to us.

"Bella and I discussed you coming today, Edward, and we decided it'd be best if you just listened for now, is that okay?" she said. Edward nodded. "So how are you feeling today, Bella?"

"Good," I said quietly, fully aware that Edward was right next to me. Why did I agree to this? It wasn't fair on either of us. "A bit nervous and I had a rough night."

"Oh, okay. Is this the nightmares coming back, or was there something else on your mind?"

"I don't really know. I didn't wake up, in the night, but I didn't particularly sleep well."

"Did you dream at all, Bella?"

"I think so, I can't quite remember clearly though."

"What do you remember of the dream?"

"Erm, I guess I dreamt about Edward."

"Okay. Can you remember why, or what about Edward?"

"Not really," I lied. I remembered clearly dreaming about being immortal. I'd dreamt about the way the sun was decorate my skin with diamonds, and how I'd be able to run. I'd be able to run faster than any human, as fast as any vampire.

"I'll just make a note of this; we don't want your sleep becoming an issue again, do we?" She smiled warmly, the sincerity of it reaching her blue eyes. "And have you been eating much?"

"Yeah, I'd say so. I didn't eat loads before, you know? But yes, I had toast this morning, and I ate half my lunch at school today."

"So you're slowing getting back to normal?" I nodded. "That's good, that's very good."

I shuffled in my seat, my leg running the full length against Edward's. I almost melted into the feeling; I just wanted to lean against him completely, basking in his presence.

"How's the situation with your father? Has he become any less expressive?"

"His comments annoy me, still. But I guess that's normal, right?"

"I can imagine how hard it is for him."

"I know, I know, that's why I haven't said anything to him. But… still…"

"It's understandable."

Dr. Geller paused, and looked from Edward to me.

"And how's things with Edward?" she asked quietly, knowing it was sensitive for me to answer.

This was where it got difficult. As much as this was the reason why I didn't want Edward here, this was the exact same reason why it was important for him to be here. He needed to see, to hear how I felt when I wasn't talking directly to him.

"It's okay. It's good."

"And you've forgiven him now, is that still okay? There isn't any more anger towards him?" Dr. Geller wiped a fallen hair from her face, a movement that caught my eye and stopped my speech. I gulped back the want to zip my mouth closed.

"No. Not anger… more frustration than anger."

"Can you explain a little bit more about that?"

I felt Edward beside me; his shallow breaths, his chest that moved because he had to keep breathing for Dr. Geller. His thigh was against mine; pressing hard to just keep reminding me he was there. He was listening to every word, I knew he'd be listening to Dr. Geller's thoughts and honest opinions that she wasn't really allowed to give. He'd also be extremely sensitive to my physical reactions.

"Just like before…" I trailed off. "It frustrates me. I… I forgive him, you know?" I angled my body away from him slightly, hoping to put distance between us as I talked about him so frankly to a practical stranger, making it a little easier. "But I'm still scared. I think there's still a chance he could leave me, if he wanted to. He's so superior to me and… all I want is to be the same, to be equal."

"Bella, when you think about the relationship, do you feel that it will last forever?" I grimaced at her choice of words. "Because a lot of people your age _think _this about their first relationship, but it will eventually just be one stage in their lives."

"No," I said shortly and firmly. "I see this as a long term thing. This isn't just a high school thing. Is that what you think?"

Dr. Geller looked a little startled. "No, Bella, I don't. I'm simply suggesting options, trying to engage your thought process to try and help you."

"Right, okay." I took a deep breath. "Sorry."

"You're quite alright, Bella. If this is how strongly you feel about it, what do you feel you need to do to become equal?" she asked. Well, if that wasn't the million dollar question.

"I don't know," I replied feebly. I felt Edward's eyes on mine.

"Edward, if you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about Bella's insecurities?"

Although he seemed a little shocked at being addressed, he soon recovered. I turned to look at him, see his beauty as he struggled with the question. "I don't think they're necessary. I don't see why Bella sees herself as inferior. She's the best thing in my life."

"Do you tell Bella this?"

"I've tried to. It's not always easy."

"So the two of you have spoken to each other about how you feel?"

"Yes," I answered for the both of us. "He says I only listen sometimes, but he doesn't listen, ever."

"I'm not talking to you to point the finger at anyone-"

"Every one's heard of how actions speak louder than words, right?" I interrupted, causing Dr. Geller to stare intently at me. She seemed absorbed by me, at how I was behaving. Maybe this was what I needed; an indirect way of telling Edward what I wanted, needed. "He tells me, but I never really hear. I'm so scared he'll leave because he's never really gave me any reason to believe he'll stay."

Dr. Geller scribbled something on her notepad, to which Edward took the opportunity to whisper, 'marry me' in my ear. I replied with a stare, one he perceived, correctly, to mean 'marriage doesn't last forever'.

"Do you think time will help?"

"I guess so. Time won't always work with us though, will it? It can work against us too as we get older."

"What do you mean, Bella?"

I sat for a moment, hoping Edward got my message. "I can't really explain it," I mumbled quietly. Thankfully, Dr. Geller didn't pursue the issue.

"What about Alice? Is she still supporting you?"

"Oh, yeah. She's been great. She prefers me to Edward at the moment, always sticking up for me."

"Well, that's nice then. Do you mind your sister behaving that way, Edward?"

"Not at all. I'm pleased Alice was there for Bella when I wasn't."

"That's a great way to think of it!" Dr. Geller enthused, smiling widely and scribbling something down. "Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

"Not today." I offered her a smile which she returned.

"Okay then, Bella, I'll see you again on Tuesday." Standing up, she offered Edward her hand. In all of our meetings, I'd never really shook hands with Dr. Geller. In fact, I'd not made physical contact with her at all. Of course, Edward took it. "It's lovely to meet you."

"You, too." Edward smiled as he let go, placing his hand on my shoulder and leading me out of the room. I called a goodbye over my shoulder as we left.

Edward's hand dropped from my shoulder to grip my hand as we exited the building. He opened my door and I got inside, switching the radio on straight away.

"What did you think?" I asked when Edward had began to drive.

"It was very interesting, Bella. Thank you for letting me sit in."

"Interesting?"

"Yes, interesting. Dr. Geller is a very nice woman, with pleasant thoughts. Despite how she should have treated me, she was polite, kind and her thoughts were pretty similar."

"Despite how she should have treated you?" I repeated back to him.

"She was witness to you at your worst, Bella. She was too kind to the person who caused all of that." He spoke bitterly.

"Edward?" I said weakly. "The deal was that if I forgave you, then you'd have to forgive yourself, right?" He nodded briefly. "Well, I've forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself now, too."

"It's not possible, Bella."

"Edward, pull over, please." He turned to look at me, confused. "Pull over, please," I repeated. As instructed, the car was pulled over at the side of the road. As soon as the engine was stalled, I leaned over to him, my face in his. "If we're doing this, we're doing it properly," I breathed, brushing my lips against his. "You need to do this if we're going to move on from it all."

"We can't move on, Bella. You're still hurting."

"Only some of the time," I protested softly. "You forgiving yourself would help me, okay? It's the one thing you can do for me, considering all the other things you refuse to do."

He sighed, kissed my lips, and then gently assisted me back into my seat. The engine started again, and we continued to drive. The music in the background was something that made the silence comfortable. It seemed our careful conversation, our taboo subjects, were causing gaps between us; it hurt to realise we had this kind of separation.

As Edward finally pulled up outside my house, he didn't get out of the car when I opened my door.

"I'll be back when you're asleep, is that okay?"

"What's the matter?" I asked, thinking 'no, it's not okay' the whole time. It's not as if I could say though; I told him specifically that I didn't want a puppet. If he didn't want to come in, I wasn't going to make him.

"Nothing. Can I ask you something?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Tomorrow, will you do me the honour of coming on a date with me, Bella?"

"Of course," I answered instantly.

"Sleep tight, Bella. I'll be there when you wake up." He smiled, leaning over for a kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to hold him to me. Eventually, he pulled away, grinning his crooked smile, before watching me into the house.

When the door closed, I heard the engine roar and the tyres screech as he drove away.

My mind was filled with why Edward hadn't wanted to come inside tonight from the moment I stepped inside the house to the moment I fell asleep, without Edward beside me.

* * *

_What did you think of this chapter? Do you have any theories to Edward's distancing? _

_Please review! I'd love to hear your thoughts! _

_Thanks xx_


	21. Chapter 21

_I'm sure you'll love this chapter. That's all I've got to say, really :)_

* * *

_Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely move it from their faces to their hearts.  
- Martin Buxbaum_

Friday dragged particularly slowly. If it wasn't for the second hand of the clock that had slowed to half its normal pace, or the way Edward stayed inside his sulking self, it was my new addiction to time. It passed. No matter how much I wanted it to slow, it didn't. Nothing I did could slow it, or Edward. It passed, no matter what species you were, or how much you tried to defy it. Anti-aging products wouldn't stop my inevitable age; exercise and a balanced diet eating wouldn't keep me healthy forever.

So Friday, with the annoyingly slow ticking clock, was the catalyst to my frustrated thoughts. Despite still being slightly behind in class, I didn't hear a word my teachers said, instead focusing on what would happen if Edward decided he didn't want me forever. Would Alice? She seemed to be on my side. Carlisle? He was extremely controlled and caring towards me. But then I reminded myself I would not be a responsibility. If Edward didn't want me to live forever with him, I wouldn't. I would not have him regret the decision forever because I'd forced him to change his mind.

But then... but then my heart sped when Edward smiled at me. You couldn't force a smile like that, even someone as talented as Edward. The way his lips curved up even when he tried to stop it because of the stares that followed us around. It wasn't possible to hide the way his eyes lit up when he saw me, glistening and reflecting his love back to me.

It was this – this knowledge that somewhere, some_how _Edward still loved me, still wanted me - that I knew I had to keep trying.

"I'll pick you up at seven?" Edward said, breaking through my thoughts as we headed towards our parked cars.

"Seven?"

"For our date."

"Oh, right, yeah," I mumbled. I'd not forgotten about it… it had merely slipped a little further back into my memory after having thought about time for the majority of the day.

"Do you still want to go?" he said, snaking his hand out to rub circles on the back of mine, feather light touches that made my body tingle.

"Of course!"

"Can you wear the dress that we bought last week?"

"Okay…" I replied slowly, wondering where we were going that'd need such a dress. "I'll see you later, then."

He leaned down to place a kiss on my cheek, but I pulled him around so our lips mashed together. For several moments, we stayed locked in each other before Edward pulled away, told me he loved me, and set off in his car that was parked beside my truck.

Once I was home, I cooked dinner for Charlie and placed it in the oven to remain warm until he could re-heat it when he returned from work. I showered quickly, drying my hair and straightening it, too. By the time I'd finished, I had time to do some of my school work and then I decided to change. I ate some of what I'd put aside for Charlie, thinking that Edward might not have worked food into our evening, and I'd hate to be hungry and ruin his plans.

At quarter to seven, I was sitting in the living room, watching the news on the TV. Charlie trudged in, slamming his gun and coat to the side and eyeing my strangely from the door.

"Where are you going?" he said curiously. His eyes were narrow with confusion.

"Out with Edward."

"Oh, are you now?" Charlie crossed his arms as he walked over to me.

"Yes. I am," I replied shortly. "School work is done. Your dinner is in the oven. I cleaned the bathroom after I'd showered. I'll be back around…?"

"Nine."

"Well, I don't actually know where he's taking me yet."

"Ten."

"It might be Port Angeles. That hardly gives us time to _get _there."

"Eleven, Bella, and that's as late as I'm going."

"Deal," I agreed with a smile. I shuffled in my seat as Charlie came to sit by me.

"You forgiven him yet?" he asked, his voice a mixture of sharp and soft. Odd, it seemed, but I think Charlie was stuck in the middle between wanting me to be happy and wanting to continue hating Edward. Unfortunately for him, it was difficult to succeed at doing both.

I bit my lip and nodded slowly.

"Knew you had," he mumbled quietly.

"How could you tell?"

"He seems a little less on edge. You seem more comfortable around him. You aren't angry any more."

"You've been watching then." I almost snorted. "Are you still angry?"

Charlie seemed to think for a moment. His eyes closed as he delved deep into thought and he coughed a little when he re-opened them. "Not so much. Maybe a bit, but it's not about me."

"I guess not."

Behind us, there was a light tap at the door. Charlie jumped up, and I shuffled forwards in my dress, slipping on my flats that I'd chosen to wear with the dress. It was a much safer option than the only pair of heels that lay forgotten at the back of my wardrobe.

"Eleven, Bells," Charlie reminded, calling from the kitchen as I opened the door and squeezed through the tiny gap that I'd created.

Edward was standing there, smiling crookedly, in a suit and tie. My jaw dropped at the sheer beauty of him, so elegant and handsome before me, ready to escort me on a date. It was mind blowing to know he'd dressed that way for _me. _Beauty would be something I'd gain if I ever became vampire; another reason for me to want it. Maybe I could be equal with Edward on appearances too.

"You look beautiful," he breathed into my ear as he pecked my cheek gently, although hitting the spot nearer my ear instead. Taking my hand, he led me to the car. He opened my door and I slid inside carefully. Seconds later, he joined me in the car and the engine roared to life as we sped down the road.

"How come you didn't come over after school?" I asked. Outside the car, it was slowly darkening to night with the dusky twilight clouding around us.

"I was busy," he answered vaguely. I turned to look at him with raised eyebrows. He returned my expectant glare with a non committal shrug; I knew I wasn't going to get anything else out of him, so I left it with a heavy sigh. Why put energy into arguing with him about this when I had much more pressing issues on my mind?

"Where are we going?"

"Your curfew is eleven," he stated.

I looked at him again, confused. "Yeah. Is that enough time?"

"Plenty." He grinned, making himself seem all the more handsome in his happiness.

Suddenly, the car stopped. Edward looked at me and then out of the window before getting out of the car. I simply glared at where we'd parked; amongst trees in a small lay-by that was covered over by large, leafy branches.

"Why are we here?"

Edward was instantly by my side. The goosebumps that appeared on my skin was clear enough evidence that Edward was next to me. Bending down quickly, he scooped me up in his arms, wedding style, and carried on forwards. My heart was racing.

"Edward!" I squealed, trying to swat at his arms so he'd put me down but all he did was chuckle musically, grinning down at me and shaking his head so those bronze strands of hair danced and fell with each tiny movement.

"Ssh!" He placed a kiss on my lips to stop me from moaning, which I happily accepted as a suitable silencing method.

Carrying me further into the forest, I relaxed, letting my legs flop over his arms and my head lull into the crook of his arm. He ran quickly, so I kept my eyes fixed on his face, only vaguely acknowledging the blurry green backdrop that was the canopy of trees.

Eventually, he came to a stop.

"Bella?" he breathed quietly. "Close your eyes."

I did as he asked, closing my eyes carefully, scared he'd disappear if my eyes drifted shut. When he was sure that they were closed, I felt the movement. I desperately wanted to open them up again, but I felt Edward's breath on my face. I knew he was watching for any flicker.

He stopped moving, slowly placed me on the floor, steadying me and holding me until I was able to balance myself. My eyes remained closed, but I could feel the tickling grass on my ankle.

"Okay, open your eyes."

Despite the dark sky, with twinkling stars amongst the vast black, I saw light. We were in our meadow. The sound of water could be heard in the distance, music of its own with each trickle over a jagged rock. The trees that surrounded us were beautifully decorated in sparkling fairy lights. Like always, there were bunches of colourful flowers amongst the green grass. Not only that, but candles were placed around us, small tea lights that flickered in sync with the breeze of the trees.

"How did y-" I couldn't finish. It was just all too overwhelmingly beautiful - what with the atmosphere that the night time had created, the sense of being alone together, just Edward and I, with the decorations he'd provided.

"Sit with me," Edward suggested, taking my shaking hand and leading me to the blanket in the middle of it all. I sat down in my dress and just stared in awe at the surroundings. When it was stripped bare of all decorations, it was beautiful. The extras only added to it's natural charm.

"How did y-" This time Edward cut me off.

"Alice helped. They're solar powered lights."

"Why did y-"

"Bella, please be quiet." Edward smiled, leaning in. With one hand, he gently pushed my shoulder so I lay on my back against the soft blanket, looking up at him as he put his arms either side of me, holding himself above me. "You're so beautiful," he breathed.

We kissed, electrically and passionate, in a moulding of lips. I gasped for breath as I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to hold him to me. If only Edward would just let down his barrier... I was silently begging for forever. I never wanted to let go.

"Bella," he breathed again, raspy, as he sat up. Slowly, I sat up too, shuffling towards him so I could lean into him. "No, no. I want you to look at me, please."

Confused, I turned towards him so our eyes could meet. They were so lusciously golden and beautiful, I almost drowned in them. They were a window into the Edward I loved so much; they held so much intensity, honesty and passion. He brought his hand up to trace the line of my lips before speaking.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I've been discussing it with Carlisle sometimes, too, but mainly I've been thinking and watching you."

I opened my mouth to speak – watching me? – but he silenced me by placing his finger against my lips.

"Please, let me talk. You said yesterday that 'actions speak louder than words'. You're right, in some ways. You also said that you're scared I'll leave again because I've never given you reason to believe you'll stay." It was almost word for word. "Bella, I want to be with you. So much; you are worth everything to me, more than my own life. That is why I don't want to take yours from you."

Again, I went to speak but he stopped me from talking with a shake of his head. Those golden eyes that were so full of beauty pleaded with me to let him speak.

"My proposal is still there, Bella. Marry me; that way we'll always be with each other."

"Edward, I…"

"I know," he said shortly, closing his eyes. I reached out to hold his hand, tracing the smooth skin of his fingers with my thumb. "You don't think marriage lasts forever, I know. Bella, this is so difficult for me."

"I can't see how. If I'm something you really want, I can't see how," I breathed. I felt tears well in my eyes.

"I know you don't. I've tried explaining to you, that I want better things for you. The transformation is beyond painful, Bella. You'll never experience such physical pain like it. Let me finish, please. You will have to leave behind friends and family. I don't want to take your humanity from you. But I've proved I don't know anything. I want you, more than anything in the world. Your happiness is of the greatest importance to me, Bella."

"You have to want it, too."

"I do. Selfishly, I want you forever, Bella, but it's getting there. There are so many hurdles to overcome."

"We've already jumped over so many," I said weakly, a tear making its way down my cheek. I felt its heat against my cold skin where the cool evening was settling.

"I don't want to lose you again, Bella. It'd be too hard for me. I know, I actually realise now that it'd be too hard for you, too. Hearing you talk yesterday, seeing you at your worst through Dr. Geller, it was a wake up call. I have to act. I have to prove to you how much I love you, want you, _need_ you, otherwise I'm going to end up loosing you, Bella, and I'm too selfish to let that happen."

I gulped back the lump in my throat and wiped away the stray tears with the back of my hand. Edward was staring at me intensely, his eyes wide and observant as I sniffled. What was he saying? Had he finally listened to me?

"I'll compromise with you, Bella," he whispered breathily.

Slowly, he got up, twisting his body so he came to rest on one knee. I gasped audibly, realising what he was going to do. It had never been so real before now. Sure, he'd proposed but he'd not been on one knee, nor had he had a ring. It was just casual words thrown around in a way to cement and assure me that he was being truthful.

It was then I saw the black box that he pulled out of his pocket, opening it up to reveal a beautiful ring. It was oval in shape, glistening with beautiful diamonds with a thin gold band.

"Isabella Swan, marry me. Marry me, and I'll give you forever. If you marry me first, Bella, I'll give you what you're asking for."

My throat was dry. It felt as if the words I wanted to say had got stuck on their way out, despite how much I tried to force them. When I went to speak, no sound came out because of the hoarseness of my throat. It was so real. Edward had finally succumbed.

"I…I…" I couldn't speak. I stared at Edward, glancing from his knee to the ring, to his waiting eyes and hopeful smile. "Not… no."

"No?" Edward repeated. In one word, he'd managed to portray such ache and hurt, it seemed as if he was falling apart at the seams. That hopeful smile disappeared to be replaced by a suffering grimace.

Desperately, I shook my head. "No, I will. I will marry you," I said, letting him sigh relieved before pulling me in for a deep kiss. I couldn't bring my lips to make contact with his, though. I pulled back from him, looking at him squarely in the eyes. "But…" His face sunk. "Not first. I'll marry you afterwards, when I'm like you."

I brought my hand up to trace his cheek bone, delicately stroking the lines of his face.

"Why?" he croaked.

"So you can't leave me at the alter." I grinned wickedly. "So I marry you as an equal, not as a responsibility. So I can see you with vampire eyes as I say 'I do'."

"I could never leave you at the alter, Bella, ever. I… I want to get married first. If we do this in the right order, maybe you can keep some of your soul."

"Edward…" I pressed my lips to his. "That's not just what I want," I mumbled quietly. "I want _you, _physically." My hands fell to his chest, gripping his shirt and trying to feel the muscles there. I crawled further into his lap, straddling him as best as my restrictive dress allowed. "I want to make love to you."

I brought my lips to his desperately, holding onto his hair tightly in an attempt to keep him to me.

"It's… dangerous, Bella," Edward breathed regretfully.

"Exactly." I smiled, having made my point. "I want to enjoy my honeymoon completely, the way newlyweds are supposed to. We can't if I'm still human. You have to change me first."

Edward was silent. I pulled back so I could watch his face, see his eyes scan over me possessively as he took in the weight of my words. My hands traced his arms, rubbing them up and down slowly, trying to be as tempting as I could, and I wiggled in his lap.

"Okay."

One word. That was all it took, one word, for my head to spin crazily, possiblities spilling into my mind in every kind of form; sounds, images, memories and visions of what I imagined the future to hold. My breathing seemed to hitch in shock, my body tremble with excitement when the realism of it all settled on me. I lunged forwards, wrapping my arms around his body and simply holding onto him, breathing heavily as adrenaline pumped around my body.

"Okay?" I asked back.

"Okay."

"You're agreeing?"

"I'm agreeing. If that's what it takes to make you happy, how can I really refuse? I can't lose you. Not again."

"When? The sooner, the better. I need… I can't get any older, Edward."

"Bella, there really isn't any rush-"

"But there is. I'm getting older, why you're just seventeen. I age, every day. I can't wait, Edward." I pushed myself up to lean closer to him, kissing him and then bringing my lips to his neck. In our position, my neck was exposed to him. His chin was lightly resting on the place where my pulse could be felt. All he'd have to do was bare his teeth and bite…

"Bella, _please_." He pushed me back quickly, taking deep breaths as soon as I wasn't as close to him. It seemed I'd had an affect on him... "Think sensibly. What about school and friends? What about Charlie?"

My heart dropped. He was the only thing that made this decision hard. Not hard enough not to see it through, but hard enough for my throat to close with the grief and loss I'd feel when I finally had to say goodbye.

"Charlie," I whispered, the croak was evident in my voice.

"Are you sure, Bella? We don't have to."

"I'm positive. It'll just be… difficult."

"I understand."

"So, when then? If not now, when?"

"Three years? Give me three years of your humanity, so you're sure of what you want. The change is irreversible."

"It's too long. I'm already sure."

"Two years?" He seemed to be pleading with me but two years was too long. It was long enough for him to leave again, to leave me behind with no way of catching him back up again.

"Too long. I want it now." I feared I was sounding like a spoilt brat but now wasn't the time to worry about such things.

"That isn't possible, Bella."

"Then when's the soonest we can do?"

"A year?"

I looked at Edward's eyes. They'd already given so much up for my happiness. I had to remember, as I saw his ache, that he'd forgotten my happiness not long ago. When I relived the pain I'd been through, the torment and agony that I'd felt during those months, I couldn't hold back.

"Graduation," I blurted out quickly. In that one word, everything seemed to fall into place. Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, like the way my hands fit with Edwards, the solution was evident to me. "Graduation," I repeated. "We can say… we can say we're going to a University far away. Like, studying in England, or Europe. So, you change me, and everyone thinks we're just studying, but I'm not. I'm a newborn. So then," I continued hurriedly, my voice rippling with excitement. "Then we live together. I make excuses with Charlie, saying I can't afford travel. I heal, I become like you where blood doesn't tempt me. I come back, see Charlie and let him know I'm okay. Maybe he could even be at the wedding?"

I stopped talking to look at Edward, excitement pouring from every cell of my body. Edward's face was lit with the same enthusiasm that I'd coated him in, shared with him. Only his face was soon melted of the happiness.

"Bella, it could take years before you become controlled. It wouldn't be safe for Charlie to see you. Nor would it be suitable for you to see him afterwards; you would look the same, even after years of supposed aging."

It seemed it hurt Edward as much to tell me the news as much as it took me to hear it. So, if I said goodbye to Charlie and gave the excuse of studying, that'd be it? That'd be goodbye, forever? What about Renée? I hadn't seen her for so long, anyway.

"I'll never see him again?"

"I don't know, Bella. It's difficult to say. But it'd be unlikely, too unlikely, too unfair on him."

"We could tell him. I could tell him what you are, what I'll become. He'll understand. He said it himself, he just wants me to be happy!" I tried to argue, but I knew the secret was too great.

"It'd be dangerous."

"It hasn't been for me. Only you thought it was dangerous."

"Bella, the most vital rule for vampires is to keep the secret. Knowing would create danger for Charlie."

"But _I_ know."

"Not exactly by choice, more your persistence, but it was inevitable either way. I couldn't stay away."

I took a deep breath, thinking about how awful the words that were about to come out of my mouth would sound. Not that I could keep them in, they needed to be said. Edward needed to know exactly what I was thinking.

"Edward… Charlie's going to get old. When I'm forty, he'll be sixty four. You never know, he might get ill, get into an accident. You know he drinks and eats his way through his life. What should I do? Do I wait until he dies? A child should outlive their parents; I expect to. I'll have to say goodbye one day, Edward, so why not now? Why not now, so I can be young forever and live with you for eternity? Isn't that awful to think that way?" I paused, but not wanting him to answer, scared he'd agree with me. "I'll never be ready to let go of him; who is? But I know who I can't live without."

"I love you so much, Bella," he breathed, pressing his lips against mine.

"I love you, too," I whispered into his mouth. Slowly, I pulled back to looking into his eyes. "Graduation?" I asked, wanting him to promise, _needing _him to agree with what we've finally came to.

After a moment of intense gazing, I saw him smile. It was that smile that sealed the rest of my future; it didn't lie, and neither did the eyes that held the truths of the world.

With one word, it was final: "Graduation."

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_Please review ;)_

_xxx_


	22. Chapter 22

_This is how much I love you! I'm starting sixth form tomorrow (a very scary thought) and despite my busy schedule that I have to do, things I have to get ready, I'm still updating for you all! Not only that, but it's a pretty long chapter, too xD Wish my luck for tomorrow... eek! _

_I hope you enjoy :)_

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When the morning light pushed its way through the curtains of my bedroom, I squeezed my eyes shut tightly before slowly blinking them open. I felt Edward's presence beside me, as ever, and I rolled over towards him, wrapping my arms around his chest and pulling myself even closer to him. I could feel him stretched against the whole length of my body and it felt great.

"Good morning." Edward's eyes sparkled with the happiness of the world. His smile - one that I was familiar with and loved so well - held something different, something lighter than ever before.

"What is it?" I asked.

"What's what?"

I brought my hand up to trace the line of his curving lips. "This smile. What's it for?"

"Do you not remember last night?"

I was so confused. Of course I remembered last night. It was the night that Edward agreed to change me, under the stars with twinkling candles and fairy lights surrounding us in our own bubble. It seemed like our roles had been reversed.

"I didn't think you'd be so happy about changing me; you've put up a fight about it for so long…" I mused aloud.

"Bella, last night you agreed to marry me," he said, bringing his hands to cup my face. "How could I not be smiling like I am? We're engaged!"

I gulped, thinking how ugly it sounded.

"You're changing me first though, right? You remember that bit?"

"Yes, I remember. We compromised. We did what we both think is right… and so I'm going to look forward to the wedding, Bella. That's what's more important to me. I need that to get me through what I'm going to put you through."

"Edward, please don't go all self-important on me. You aren't putting me through anything. I've decided it myself."

"I'm sorry. Okay." He sounded dismissive, as if he didn't want to get into an argument about it. "Bella, I'm doing this for you. I can see that this isn't about forever, it's about _now_."

"What do you mean?"

"Carlisle agrees with me. He and I both think that if I were to exist alongside you as you grew older, you'd begin to resent me. I promised you, after James, you'd live a long and happy life with me. But you'll always compare yourself to me in ways that I don't think make sense; strength, power, speed, beauty. But if I don't exist alongside you, then that's when we both fall into depths of depression. We have to be together, Bella, I see that. And you aren't completely happy as long as your human.

"All I want is your hand in marriage. You want to be equal with me. What I proposed to you last night covers both. Therefore, I am happy because you are. I am happy, because you agreed to be my wife."

I sat staring at Edward for many moments, smiling subtly. He finally understood.

"You look relieved," he said, chuckling.

"Well, yeah."

"Bella, I put off seeing Carlisle last night. Well, actually, I couldn't pull myself away from you." He leaned in to kiss me, smiling as our lips touched. "But I do have to talk to him, and I do have to hunt."

"Oh. Oh, okay, no that's fine. You go. I've got school work to do, and Charlie could probably use some company."

"Are you sure? I could delay until tonight…?"

"Don't be silly. You'll end up nibbling me if you don't go hunt. Look at your eyes!"

He raised his eyebrows, smirking. "I think you'll find that's impossible, even for _me_." His eyes spun inwards, pointing into his nose to prove his point. I burst into laughter.

"Even for you?" I choked, playing along, sitting up and giving him a push. "And who do you think you are, Edward Cullen? King of all possibilities?" I gave him a wink, just as he pushed me backwards and began ticking my stomach.

"That is _exactly _who I am." He smirked. "I'm also Isabella Swan's fiancée, did you know?"

With a large grin, he removed his hands from my stomach where I'd began to try and pry his fingers away. He stood, getting off the bed and looking at me, sprawled out with as much happiness radiating from me as Edward had been. With us both so happy, I'm sure visible sparks were about to form in the air between us.

"I'll be back before you sleep. I love you." He pressed his lips to mine. "See you later," he said breathily.

"Go find a mountain lion for me."

I grinned widely as he set off out the window, throwing me one last smile and blowing me a kiss before he disappeared from sight. I got up, straightening the bedcovers on my bed and plumping the pillows. I yanked on my dressing gown and trudged down the stairs to Charlie, sat in old slippers, reading the newspaper.

"What'cha doing today, Bells?" he called as I made my way into the kitchen. I grabbed a small bottle of orange juice and carried it through to the living room, plonking myself in the arm chair.

"Nothing. School work, I guess."

"Where's Edward?" he said without looking up from his paper.

"Spending the day with his brothers." I sighed. "What are you doing today?"

"Going to see Billy. He's got this new TV that we're gonna test out." He threw me a guilty face and winked. "You could come, if you want? Jacob'll be about. You should make up with him, Bells. He was only doing what he thought was best."

I thought about it for a moment. In my mind, an old filmstrip began to play, allowing me to remember how hostile I'd been towards him; all he'd done, really, was force his company upon me. It wasn't his fault that I was so deep in my hole to see what good it'd do me. Then I remembered how awful he'd been to Edward… but was that any different to how angry I'd been? At the time he'd said it, I was still singing Edward's praises. Now, I could see the faulty mesh of unhappiness that Edward had forced me into. In hindsight, Jacob was actually talking sense.

"Yeah," I said quietly. I used to get on with him when I was younger… apparently. He can't be dangerous, surely; Charlie was fine with spending his time down at La Push. Not to mention Jacob had risked his life to fight Laurent and Victoria when Charlie and I were vulnerable.

"Yeah?" Charlie said, taken aback.

"Yeah. I'll come."

With a smile, he folded his paper down and placed it on the table. "Come on then," he called, traipsing up the stairs.

I showered first, then Charlie, as I fixed my hair and got dressed in simple jeans and a jumper. I grabbed an apple, since Charlie had already eaten toast before I'd come downstairs and I offered to drive down to La Push in my truck. I just hated sitting in the cruiser; it was cringey.

"You seem tense, Bells," Charlie stated.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, your knuckles are white."

I glanced at my hands that were squeezing the steering wheel tightly. I guess I was nervous, thinking about apologising and thanking Jacob. He was still practically a stranger, despite our mud-pie history, confrontation and his determination to protect me against Laurent and Victoria.

"Well, Jacob and I didn't exactly start off well."

"He's a good kid, Bells."

"Yeah, yeah, you said," I mumbled quietly, pulling into the driveway of Billy's house. I recognised the house from before, the image sparking a memory inside me. I stopped the engine and got out the truck.

"Smile, Bells." Charlie nudged me as we went into the house. He didn't even knock, just walked straight in to where Billy was positioned in front of the TV, flicking through the channels with the remote firmly in his hand.

"Charlie!" he greeted warmly as Charlie trudged over to the sofa. "Bella, what a surprise." He sounded almost dry.

"She came to see Jacob," Charlie said on my behalf as I stood awkwardly by the door.

"In his room. You'll have to wake him up."

I followed the hallway round to the door that was half open. Jacob's arm could be seen dangling over the edge of his narrow bed, eyes closed but mouth agape. It was funny to see him so cute and vulnerable; I didn't want to wake him.

Instead, I sat on the floor by his bed, watching the rise and fall of his chest. How could he still be asleep?

In my pocket, my cell phone rang loudly. I dug deep and pulled it out, noting Edward's number and frowning at it curiously. He was supposed to be hunting. I pressed 'accept' and brought the phone to my ear.

"Bella?" he said frantically.

"Edward, what is it?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…" I replied slowly. "I'm fine, what's wrong?"

"Alice can't… she can't see you. I…" He sighed heavily, breathing deeply down the phone. "Where are you, Bella?"

I didn't understand the worry. Well, okay, Alice couldn't see me, but why would that result in Edward's sudden anxiety? He hadn't really been bothered for the past five months.

"I'm at Jacob's. I came down with Charlie."

"You said you were doing school work all day," he said shortly.

"I thought I would be, but I changed my mind." I knew I sounded impatient. "I thought you were hunting."

"I was going after I'd spoken to Carlisle. I… I'll go later. Your truck isn't home; did you drive?"

"You're at my house?"

"I panicked, Bella. I can't come down there… the treaty… but come to the border, and I'll wait for you there."

"Edward, I need to talk to Jacob. I'll talk to you when you've hunted."

"Bella, wait, I-"

"I'm doing this, Edward. I'm safe, I'm okay. I love you. I'll talk to you later."

With that, I hung up. I felt awful for doing it but I didn't want to argue over the phone with him about my safety. I knew I was perfectly fine and I needed Edward to trust me on this. I flicked my phone onto silent, knowing that Edward would most likely try to ring again. As much as it pained me, I had to have my own space.

My eyes wandered from my phone that fell back to my blank screensaver to Jacob. Only, he wasn't asleep anymore. He was perched up by his elbow, looking at me with narrowed eyes.

"You just woke me up," he stated plainly.

"How long were you listening?" I snapped, thinking about the conversation. Jacob had accused Edward of being a monster; I didn't want to talk about that now, nor did I want Jacob to hear what Edward and I were discussing – my safety around him.

"Since your annoying ring tone woke me up." He shot me a look before swinging his legs out of bed and standing up. I didn't prepare myself for the half naked body that stood in front of me; russet toned chest, long hairy legs with the only item of clothing was his boxer shorts.

"Ugh!" I buried my head in my hands so I couldn't see him anymore.

"You're in _my _room," he said snidely. I heard the ruffles of material as he yanked on some clothing. Finally, when all movement stopped, I looked up to see him in jagged shorts and an old tee-shirt. "Speaking of which, _why _are you in my room?"

"If you're gonna be rude, I'll just go." He didn't say anything as I stared at him with wide eyes. "I came to say sorry."

"For?"

"Well, for being rude to you before…"

"Okay. Sorry for being rude to you just now, then."

"And thank you."

"For?"

"For protecting Charlie and me against Laurent and Victoria."

Jacob just stared at me for a moment as I stayed bunched up on the floor. His eyes were shiny in the light, his face young but strong.

"He's back then?"

I sighed heavily. Of course he'd want to talk about that. It was Jacob; he was rude, nosey and very opinionated.

"Obviously."

"Seems a bit over protective of you _now, _doesn't he?"

"You weren't supposed to hear that," I replied shortly.

"But I did. He thinks _I'm _dangerous?" He almost spat his words out, disgust clouding his face.

"He just worries about me."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Jacob stood up and offered out his hand to me. Warily, I took it, allowing him to pull me up but, once I was up, he didn't let go of my hand.

"Where are we going?"

"I'm hungry and Charlie said you were a good cook. So, if you're serious about your apologies and thanks and all that crap, you can cook me breakfast." He smiled at me cheekily.

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Aren't you gonna say _please_?"

"Please."

He kept hold of my hand until we reached the kitchen where I dropped his hand and opened the fridge. Deciding on pancakes, I took out the ingredients and set it up on the small kitchen counter. Jacob was sat at the kitchen table, drumming his fingers loudly.

"Can you stop that?" I snapped, beginning to measure out the ingredients.

"Do you think I'm dangerous?" he blurted out. Slowly, I turned around to face him; he looked so young, despite his size, and my heart ached for him.

"What?"

"I know he thinks I'm dangerous, but do you?" His voice had lost all kinds of arrogance and rudeness I'd noticed in it before. Now, it was stripped down to it's bare minimum.

"No," I said quietly.

"I didn't want this, Bella," he said, as if I hadn't answered at all. "I didn't want to be this monster. But I am. We're made to kill them, to kill the vampires. The ones that deserve it. We're supposed to protect humans."

"Exactly," I whispered, walking over to the kitchen table and taking a seat opposite him. "To protect."

"I…I didn't want this. It just happened when those leeches were trying to get to you."

"I'm sorry." It seemed the only appropriate answer.

"It's not your fault. It's theirs. I…" I waited until he was ready to finish his sentence. But then his hand slid across the table; he was so warm, burning hot almost, as he took my hand in his. It felt strange there. I needed a cold touch; I needed Edward's touch. "I want to protect you from him."

"Jacob, Edward is as dangerous as you are. I'm safe." Jacob's touch was beginning to burn.

"He is dangerous, Bella. It's in his instinct to drink human blood. He's bound to be tempted. Whereas I'm made to protect. That's what I'm for."

"He'd never hurt me, Jacob. No, no, listen; I came to apologise for being rude, thank you for being kind. But I'm not gonna let you talk shit about him, okay? I love him."

"I was afraid you were gonna say that," he grumbled with a roll of his eyes. Slowly, he retracted his hand.

"I wanna be friends, Jacob. It'd be nice. I don't have many of those and Charlie likes you."

"What about you?"

"Well, actually, you're still pretty offensive at the moment. But I can get to like you."

"But you're with the leech though, aren't you?"

I flinched at the word 'leech'. "I'm with Edward," I corrected.

"One day, he'll hurt you."

"Jacob, if you keep saying that then one day I'm gonna hurt you," I threatened, glaring at Jacob through narrowed eyes. His face broke out into a grin.

"Real scary." He laughed. "Now go cook me breakfast," he said with a smirk.

I swatted his arm as I went to finish what I'd started, mixing the ingredients and slowly cooking the batter mixture. Charlie poked his head round the door, asking for some, so I doubled up the batch and kept making them. Eventually, I ran out of ingredients; Jacob had ate the majority, stashing away nine with a chocolate syrup topping.

"So, how did you become a… a…"

"Wolf?" He smirked. "Well, there's a pack; Sam's the leader. You know Sam, right? And then it was my turn, when those leeches were looking for you. I went through the transformation when I suddenly got angry 'cause Quil was ignoring me. Turns out he was going through the exact same thing as I was. This really high fever and then I just changed."

"Did it hurt?"

"Not really. The fever did; it was uncomfortable. It was unexpected. We all thought it was just superstition. Remember I told you we were descended from wolves?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, turns out we are. Come for a walk with me?"

I was surprised at first but quickly recovered. Nodding, I grabbed my jacket and called goodbye to Charlie, as Jacob did to Billy.

He directed me down through a path and soon enough, we came to the beach; lapping water that spilled clumsily onto the wet sand, frothy white bits that threatened to wet my legs if I got close enough. The breeze that came from the sea was sharp and biting, typical February weather. Soon, it'd be March, but even June and July wouldn't bring warmth in this town, so why would I expect March to?

"I thought you had sisters?" I said quietly, remembering back to when Charlie had mentioned them.

"Oh, yeah. They moved away when my mom died."

"Oh, sorry."

"No, it's fine." I shivered involuntarily when a gust of wind blew across every inch of my body. "You cold?"

I shrugged. There wasn't anything he could do about it. At least, that's what I thought until he took his tee-shirt off and handed it to me.

"It's big enough for you to put over your jacket," he said, smiling.

"But you'll get cold, too."

"As if." He snorted loudly, grabbing my hand and bringing it to his chest. I looked at him strangely when my skin made contact with his chest, before retracting quickly. He was hot!

"It's either that or I walk with my arm around you. Didn't want you to think I was forward."

"You know I'm with Edward."

I raised an eyebrow, challenging him. He didn't even answer, preferring to ignore it completely. I didn't want to tell him about my engagement. Besides the horror that the word held for me, Charlie didn't know. I'd be a vampire before it happened. If he didn't know of a wedding, he wouldn't expect one, making it easier for us to flee to wherever for my change.

Sliding the tee-shirt over my body, I could still feel Jacob's warmth in the material. Even still, I shivered when the next gust of wind came.

"I think we should go back," I said awkwardly, wondering how it could be so cold. Maybe it was because we were directly by the sea rather than further inland.

"Or I could hug you?" He sounded hopeful.

Without evening waiting for me to agree, he pulled me into him by my arm and wrapped his arms around me. His strength was overwhelming, suffocating almost. I choked loudly as my breath was knocked out of me. On the positive side, warmth flooded me.

"Ja-cob," I gasped, tapping his back for him to let me go. He dropped his arms and apologised with his eyes as I panted.

"I really think we should go back," I repeated, smiling sadly. I was beginning to feel a little awkward, as if Jacob was expecting something from me. I didn't know what he wanted, but it seemed like something I wouldn't want to give.

"You only just got here."

"I can come back another time. Just promise to lay off the offensive stuff and we could be friends, Jacob." I turned around so we could start walking the other way. My steps seemed to become hurried as my skin grew colder.

"Friends?"

"Yeah, friends."

"_Just _friends?"

"I'm with Edward so, yes, _just friends_ ."

"I like you, Bella. I've kinda liked you since that first day when we came to this beach."

"Is that why you wanted me to come on a walk? Bring me back to where the magic started?" Sarcasm dripped from my voice. Jacob scowled.

"I told you back at the hospital not to get me angry."

"You protect, remember? You aren't dangerous."

"It doesn't mean accidents don't happen."

I stopped walking to stare at Jacob. He was so serious; not hint of amusement or humour in his face, just severity. I couldn't think what to make of that – was Jacob saying he _was _dangerous? I didn't want to ask.

"Friends, Jacob," I repeated as we neared the house. We hadn't come that far in the first place.

Jacob didn't say anything as I poked my head round to Charlie. I told Charlie I was going home now and to call when he wanted fetching. Billy said Jacob would drive him home, but I insisted that Charlie should call me when he wanted to come home.

"See you around, Jacob." I smiled as Jacob pulled me in for another hug, gentler this time and comfortable. Afterwards, I handed him back his large shirt.

As I drove away, I saw him in the rear view mirror watching me disappear. It felt weird to think that Jacob liked me. He'd practically admitted it to me, despite hardly knowing me. In fact, I'd shouted at him number of times, so how was it even possible?

Deep in my thoughts, I hardly noticed the Volvo that was parked on the border where La Push merged back into Forks. I rolled my eyes as I pulled over next to it.

Jumping out, I met Edward. His eyes were black, his expression worried as he paced over to me.

"I'm alive!" I called mockingly, spinning on the spot to give him a demonstration on how okay I was.

"You smell of dog," he stated as he pulled me into his arms. I wiggled a little and looked down at my clothing.

"Well, thanks. Aren't you charming?" I said, rolling my eyes.

"Did he touch you?"

"He hugged me?" I wondered what answer he wanted.

"Did he hurt you?"

"Do I look hurt to you, Edward? I'm fine. You, on the other hand, are not."

"What do you mean?" he said quietly.

"You're hungry. Your eyes are black, your face is set. Why didn't you go?"

"I told you I'd be waiting."

"Well, I'm fine, aren't I? Go hunt; I'll just be finishing school work."

"You said that last time."

I squeezed him tightly in my arms, trying to put as much strength into my embrace as I could. I bet he hardly felt it.

"I don't want to sleep alone tonight," I breathed quietly, letting my warm breath soak through Edward's shirt. "If you hunt now, you could be back for bedtime?"

"I could," he agreed slowly.

"Then go. I don't want to sleep alone."

"I'll be back later." He pressed his lips to my forehead before moving them to brush against my lips. I restrained myself, remembering we were in public, not that Edward would allow anything mildly inappropriate.

"I love you. Now go, before you feast on me instead." I grinned, but Edward didn't. I kissed a smile onto his face, pushing away finally and making my way back to the truck.

I waved as we separated, watching his Volvo go in a different direction to where I was going.

I thought about how overprotective Edward was, and how he wouldn't have to worry once I was like him. For the rest of the day, with only myself for company, I let myself re-think that thought. Soon, I'd be a vampire. Soon, I'd have Edward forever.

* * *

_Don't worry. There isn't going to be lots of Bella and Jacob drama, but I couldn't just ignore the possiblities between them. I thought it'd be important to show Jacob's side because, so far, I painted him as a pain in the arse, right? But he isn't. As much I'm completely Team Edward, I still like Jacob as a character._

_Please review?_

_Thank you! xx_


	23. Chapter 23

_Long authors note today._

_Two updates in three days? How lucky are you! _

_I have to keep reminding myself that this is an AU. In New Moon, Edward isn't even back yet in the timeline. (Yes, I've drawn up a Broken Spirit timeline to help me keep the timing right :P) This means that either the story is going to drag on forever (definitely not!) or I'm going to do a few times skips. This chapter holds a mini time skip but I'm planning for the chapter afterwards to skip almost a month and a half, which is why I wanted you to have this chapter today. _

_Of course, being an AU, that also means Bella is unaware of so many things. Although I don't think its necessary for Bella to be informed of Jasper's past (why would she? There isn't going to be a newborn army), I simply couldn't skip this chapter._

* * *

In a blur filled with stolen kisses and caresses gtom Edward, occasional phone calls to Jacob, and an excited Alice at the prospect of a wedding and an official sister, the following two weeks passed. The days seemed to blend into one; I didn't sleep particularly well, despite Edward trying to sing me to sleep. In turn, the exhaustion was noticed by Dr. Geller who put me back on sleeping medication to try and help. Those dark rings didn't quite disappear though.

By the time I'd finally slept, through exhaustion more than anything else, I felt weak. I couldn't really understand why I wasn't sleeping well or why I felt so awful; I was getting what I wanted – Edward forever – so I couldn't place why I felt like I did. Edward noticed, claiming to do whatever it took to put me back on track. I shrugged him off. What could I ask him to fix when I didn't know what was wrong?

In the end, I took it upon myself to visit Carlisle. I needed a doctor, and I couldn't talk to Dr. Geller about it, not really.

So, when Edward told me he wasn't available on the Saturday because of a trip he was taking with Esme, I took my opportunity. I encouraged him to go, although I had no idea what he was going for.

I'd been to their house since we'd visited for that first time but always with Edward or Alice. Since Alice was hunting with Jasper, I completely dreaded arriving. As much as I knew Carlisle would welcome me openly, Rosalie and Emmett would probably still be home. I felt intimidated by her, so strong and beautiful, although I knew I was safe with Emmett around.

As I parked my truck on the driveway, I could see the blonde hair of Rosalie sitting on the couch. Slowly, I made my way in the house, wary and shy.

I knocked lightly before pushing the door open. Rosalie didn't even bother to look at me, continuing to stare at the book in her hand, turning a page.

"Is…uhm, Carlisle here?"

She turned to face me. "You don't want to live like us." Her response startled me, eyes sparkling in the light, honesty clouding her face. It was so raw and true that I had to physically step back.

"What?"

"You don't want this life."

I tried to hide my shock but it seemed impossible. I knew Rosalie didn't want me as part of the family – that much was obvious to everyone – but why was she saying that? I didn't have time to question it further as Carlisle appeared in front of me.

"Bella, what a surprise."

"Alice told me you weren't working today," I said weakly. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh?"

"Could we… go somewhere?" I whispered, thinking of Rosalie listening. I knew she'd hear upstairs, but at least I wouldn't be able to see her listening.

"My study?"

Nodding, I followed him up the stairs, appreciating his slow human speed. I walked after him into the office, the book shelves an extra barrier, extensive collections of every kind stacked in an orderly manner.

"You can sit down, Bella," Carlisle said, smiling from across the room where he was sitting. I appreciated how he wasn't sitting on the other side of the desk; it seemed a little more personal this way, like friends discussing rather than a professional meeting.

I sat down on the chair beside his. "I don't really know what's wrong with me," I said carefully.

"What do you mean, Bella?"

"Well, I'm tired. I can't sleep, at all. The medication I've been given works, but I don't want to fall backwards again."

"I think you're doing really well, Bella. Is there anything that might have triggered it? When did you start to recognise you struggled sleeping?"

I bit my lip. This is what was weird; this is what was messed up. "Day after Edward proposed properly," I mumbled, ashamed.

If Carlisle was shock, he didn't show it. "Are you worried about the change or anything else? Are you sure it's what you really want?"

"More than anything. I don't want Edward to leave me again."

"I'm very sorry, Bella, for our part in what happened. I had to respect Edward's wishes and-"

"It's fine. I don't blame you. Edward's stubborn. He doesn't really think about others."

"I think Edward's fault is that he thinks _too _much about others, deluding himself into thinking his choices are the right ones."

"I tried to tell him that." I paused, sighing heavily. It seemed everyone thought the same when it came to Edward. "Carlisle, I feel like I'm pressuring him. I said when he came back I didn't want to be a responsibility and I'm scared that I am being one by not wanting to be. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does, although I disagree with what you're saying."

"He told me he'd discussed this with you," I muttered, more to myself than Carlisle. I couldn't talk with Edward about this – he'd take it as a way to go back on his word, thinking I wasn't happy.

"Briefly. But what I can tell you, Bella, is that Edward is very much in love with you. He wants you to be happy, especially after causing you so much upset and distress."

"I want _him _to be happy. We both need to be happy."

"He is, Bella. It's true that this wouldn't be his first option, but I agree with you; there isn't any other option. As his father, I, selfishly, need him to change you. I don't want to lose my son."

"Carlisle, if…if he changes his mind, will you do it?"

"Pardon?"

"Will you change me, Carlisle? If Edward changes his mind?"

"I don't think there's danger of that, but I give you my word nonetheless." He looked at me for a moment. "Are you happy, Bella?"

The question took me off guard but I answered straight away. "Yes. There's things I would… change - like saying goodbye to Charlie and Renée, but not at the price of my forever with Edward."

"That's understandable, Bella."

"I don't feel normal, though," I interrupted. "Like, right now. I'm eighteen and I'm _engaged_. I'm visiting my therapist twice a week. I'm on antidepressants and sleeping pills. It's not right, is it?"

"It's okay for adolesce-"

"Please don't lie to me. It's not, is it?"

"Do you feel upset a lot, Bella? Are you eating?"

"I get… upset at night. It's the most obvious time when I'm different, because Edward can stay awake when I have to sleep. It's the time when I subconsciously think about things."

"Have you talked to Dr. Geller about how you're feeling?"

"No. I don't want to keep going to her, anymore. The way I'm feeling isn't human-related. It's all vampire based and I can't tell her that." My eyes wandered from my lap to Carlisle's face. "Can you help me?"

His hand rested on my knee and shuffled a little closer. "How do you want me to help you?"

"Can you… pull strings; get her to stop me from seeing her? Can I talk to you instead?"

"I'm not trained with therapy, Bella."

"No, you don't have to be. You've done more today than she has. She's good, sure, but with human problems. This is so much bigger."

Carlisle sighed and offered me a small smile. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah."

"I'll look into then if that's what you want. I won't let your health slip though, Bella. It's important you keep taking medication. I'll tell them I'm monitoring you, okay?"

"That's fine. Thanks."

I went to stand, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable. Carlisle's pager went off, which he looked at. I walked to the door, letting him know that the conversation was over and he could go. I knew how much he felt he owed the hospital something for his nature, not like he'd put anyone in danger though.

"I'll let you know how it goes." He smiled and gave me a short wave goodbye before disappearing down the stairs and out of the door. Soon after, I heard the engine of his car as he sped away, eager to help at work.

I walked down the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible so I didn't disturb Rosalie. She was still sitting on the couch, reading. I walked past her hurriedly, trying to pull my car keys out of my pocket at the same time as I came to the door.

"Wait." I turned around at the voice, seeing Rosalie on the couch. Her face was set like before; her book was suddenly resting in her lap. "We've got the house to ourselves," she said quietly.

I frowned with confusion. "Where's Emmett?"

"Picking up the new video game in Port Angeles. He won't be long."

"Oh… okay." I was unsure what to say. Awkwardly, I hovered by the door, not knowing whether to leave, stay where I was or sit down. Was Rosalie actually having a civilised conversation with me?

"I want to tell you something. You can sit down. If you like."

She seemed nervous and I moved to sit down beside her on the couch. There was still space between us though, giving us the distance that we both needed. I felt the tension in my muscles; I felt it with every breath I inhaled, filled with the atmosphere between us.

"It's not that I don't like you. You're bearable. But you're making the wrong choice, Bella. You're living your life wrong. I can't understand why you're choosing this." She shook her head, seemingly defeated with confusion and frustration.

"I love Edward," I said simply.

"And I love Emmett, but I wouldn't choose to have forever. The idea of growing old, sitting side by side with Emmett, grey haired, on a porch somewhere to watch the sun with our grandchildren running around in our garden… that's my dream. Watching my children grow up, seeing them go through school and fall in love. But I can't have children. I can't grow old with Emmett, or eventually find peace in heaven. Do you know how much you're throwing away, Bella?"

I didn't really know how to answer. Rosalie had just told me her dream, the most she'd ever really spoken to me. How could I reply without causing personal offence?

"I'm sorry; you might want that but I don't. I just want Edward."

"I have a story. Do you want to hear it?" She paused, her eyes scanning over to the door. "Emmett'll be home soon… I don't like talking about it in front of him." Her head fell forwards so she could look into her lap for a moment. "He thinks he's not enough. He is; he's the best I could ask for. It worked out as best as it could."

Her blonde hair was tossed carelessly over her shoulder as she lifted her head. For a vampire, she looked surprisingly on edge, twisting her fingers in a way that screamed she was nervous. I didn't know what to say… Rosalie was opening up to me.

"I was born in 1913, in Rochester. We were a rich family; my father worked in the bank and my mother was a housewife, always dedicated to me and my two little brothers. I was beautiful. I knew I was. My mother and father told me that I was beautiful, and people's heads turned when I walked through the streets. I was happy with my life, being who I was. Rosalie Lillian Hale.

"One day, my mother had me put in this pretty white dress to visit the bank to deliver my father's lunch. It was her plan for me to meet the banker's son, Royce King II. For my mother, it was all about social status. To her, that was the best thing that could happen to me, to marry someone as rich and well known as Royce. He noticed me, my blonde hair and beauty made everyone notice me. He sent me flowers and gifts, he complimented my looks. We got engaged."

Rosalie's voice was unsteady. I didn't know what the point was to the story.

"Emmett will be home soon," she said, distressed. "He can't know I'm talking about it." It was as if she was pleading with me to keep it a secret. Her voice picked up speed. "My friend, Vera, had a son. He was dark haired, dimples, so unbelievably cute. I wanted what she had. My friend, with no particular status, wealth or beauty, and I envied her. It didn't make sense. She had a husband who loved her dearly, and a son whom they'd created together. Royce didn't look at me the way her husband looked at her. I didn't love Royce and he didn't love me; he was too busy with the bank. I was infatuated with his compliments and gifts.

"And so, after I'd visited Vera one evening, I was walking home, realising I envied Vera for her happiness, for the love she'd found. I bumped into Royce who was drunk with some friends. He mocked me in the street, calling out slurry compliments, wanting me to show off in front of his friends. They were so drunk," she spat bitterly. Her eyes flicked to the door warily, before settling back on my face. Her eyes were glassy, her lips pursed. "They beat me and raped me. My _fiancé _left me bleeding on the street to die."

She gulped before reaching across to the coffee table to grab a pen. Opening her book, she scribbled something on one of the pages. All I could do was stare at her, wondering what on earth she was doing.

I realised, however, when Emmett pounded through the doors, holding up his new game for us both to see.

"Look what I got!" He smiled proudly before his gaze fell to the two of us, confusion masking his face. "You girls being nice?"

I nodded hurriedly.

"Wanna play Bella?"

"She was just leaving," Rosalie answered for me. "She just wanted to borrow my book."

"Oh, well, okay. You can play then, Rosie, what d'ya think? Reckon you can beat me?"

"Oh, I know I can beat you." Rosalie grinned, all sadness evaporating from her face at the sight of Emmett. Either he made her very happy or she desperately didn't want him knowing what she was telling me.

"Here you go."

Handing me the book, I took it with a smile, holding it tightly to my chest like I was protecting Rosalie's secret. Not that Emmett wouldn't already know…

"Don't be a stranger, Bella!" Emmett called from the floor as he set up his game as I exited the house.

I started the engine, smiling when I saw Emmett and Rosalie through the large window hitting each other with pillows, game controllers sprawled on the coffee table until they were ready to begin their game.

I drove with the book in my lap, my hands itching to pick it up and see why Rosalie had given it to me. I hardly got half way home before temptation became too much. Pulling over in the side of the road, I stalled the engine and picked the book up. On the opening cover, Rosalie's eligible handwriting was scrawled across the page, considerably neat and calligraphic despite the speed in which she'd written it.

_Can you believe that someone I was supposed to marry could treat me so inhumanely? I lay, bleeding, all dignity lost in the gutter, the pain rippling through my body, only intensified by the betrayal and shame that I felt. Carlisle smelt the blood, being a vampire, and came to help the poor dying girl that I was._

_He took me to his home, hoping to save me. He wanted me to be a partner for his son, did you know what? Carlisle changed me with the hopes that Edward and I would be compatible and so, when he bit me, pushing me further into the depths of pain and fire, all consuming agony, I knew I was coming to a worse life. When I woke up, they were arguing about me. I wasn't wanted in my old life, as a wife, nor was I wanted here. I didn't want to be a vampire. I wished they'd left me to die, even now. _

_Edward rejected me. Obviously. Not that I felt anything towards him anyway, but the rejection hurt. I was beautiful, even more so as a vampire. At least I still had beauty, but Edward didn't want that._

_I got my revenge on Royce and his friends. One by one, I killed each of them, leaving Royce till last. I wanted him to fear me, knowing that I was coming for him next. I wanted him to feel the pain and anxiety that I felt when he was beating me. He knew I was coming; he was hiding in a room with one door, no windows, guarded by two men. Being the dramatist, I got a wedding gown, killed his guards and then killed him. I didn't spill one single drop of his blood. I didn't want the frenzy to overtake me and I most definitely did not want their blood in my body. The thought disgusted me._

_I found Emmett two years later. He was being attacked by a bear. I saw Vera's son in him. Dark hair and dimples? I recognised them as the things that I envied, and brought him to Carlisle so he could change him for me. Selfish, really; I didn't want this life but I wanted Emmett to be subjected to it for my happiness._

_I'm lucky to have Emmett. I do love him. Despite everything, he's the light in this shadowed existence._

_Do you know how much you're giving up, Bella? It's irreversible. I wouldn't have chosen this life for me. You've seen the good sides of it; all you've seen is this happy vampire family unit, all smiles and jokes. I thought you should know that it's not all sunshine and rainbows. It's secrets, lies; an eternity of unhappiness if it doesn't go right, if you live to regret it. _

_Last of all; don't tell Emmett, or Edward. It'll break Emmett. He thinks he's not enough, when I found my other half in him…. If only it was under better circumstances. And Edward… will most likely kill me for sharing the horror stories of our pasts. We all have them. Each of us comes with a back story that's worse than the scariest nightmare. _

_Think, Bella, because you can't turn back. _

The story came to an end, my eyes cloudy with un-fallen tears with unexplainable grief for Rosalie's life. I couldn't really think straight, my mind swirling with my own filmstrip of Rosalie's awful experience. I could understand why she didn't like me, at least; I was throwing away exactly what she wanted - humanity.

I struggled with this realisation but what could I do? It was my choice, not Rosalie's; despite how much I wanted to help her. Her story didn't change anything for me. Sure, Rosalie's story was horrific, but mine wasn't. Edward was caring, attentive and loving; she was just incredibly unfortunate.

Closing the book, I kept it in my lap as I drove home. All I could think about was Rosalie. Like it was on repeat in my head, I heard her voice re-telling me the story and I saw the words on the page floating across my eyes.

I hated that I knew. I felt like I was personally going against Rosalie with my decision. Before, I could live in ignorance. Either way, my decision remained the same.

If anything, the talk with Rosalie helped clear up my mood. As I lay on my bed, school books scattered around me, I found my mind surprisingly at peace. Selfishly, I found some kind of contentment in Rosalie's past. In comparison, my life was perfect. I shook away my awful mood which, in turn, allowed me to fall asleep right in the middle of the day.

"Bella?"

My body was shaken gently, cool hands on my shoulders with that all too familiar dazzling breath washing over my face. My eyes opened to see Edward's beautiful face looking at me with his captivating smile.

"You're sleeping better, I see?" He grinned widely, eyes twinkling with false mock.

"Tired," I said with a yawn, sitting up.

I saw Rosalie's book right beside me, so I shuffled it under my knee to try and protect it. I still felt obliged to hold it against me, as if she'd shared something so secretive with me; of course, all of the Cullen family would already know, but my feelings towards the book remained the same.

"I can see." He took a seat next to me on the bed. "I bought you something today. Well, actually, Esme helped me. I narrowed it down and she selected the final one."

My eyes narrowed, thinking what on earth it could be. Is that where he'd been all day?

"What is it?" I asked warily.

"You refuse to wear the ring I proposed to you with. I can understand you do not want to, because of Charlie and… I get that. I do, however, need to give you something."

He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small rectangular box, one that definitely resembled that of a jewellery box. His hands snaked out to lift up the box, revealing a beautiful silver bracelet, alternating sapphires and diamonds and embedded in the chain.

"Edward… it's beautiful, really, but you shouldn't ha-"

"No, Bella. You don't want to wear my mother's ring yet. I understand that. But we are still engaged, aren't we? Even if our wedding is…is a couple of years away. Let me give you this engagement bracelet; only you and I will know what it means." At my facial expression, Edward lost some of his excitement. "Do you not like it? I told Esme we should have gotten yellow gold, but she thought the white gold would match your complexion and I agre-"

"Edward, please, I love it." My voice croaked, emotion fulfilling me. I was engaged. As he fastened the white gold bracelet around my wrist, I felt the weight. It seemed too fancy to wear everyday; I'd lose it, surely. But I didn't want to reject this like I had turned down his ring. "Thank you," I said gratefully, leaning up to press my lips against his lips.

"You're welcome." He smiled, shuffling closer to me. "I didn't want to wake you, really, but I thought we should get some school work done and I didn't think you should sleep too much in the day."

"No, it's fine. I need to finish this. Could you help me?"

Edward did, as always. He remained on my bed for the rest of the day, assisting me the work that I needed to finish. I was determined I was going to eventually catch up and get the grades I needed in my finals. I wanted Charlie to be proud of me at graduation because it'd be one of the last things I was certain he'd be able to see. Maybe he'd get to walk me down the aisle; how dangerous would it be? I wasn't sure.

* * *

_It'd be incredibly out of character for Rosalie not to tell Bella, don't you think? It's her warning. It'd be too late to tell her the horror story once Bella was already a vampire, so now seemed a good time._

_Please review? I could really use some feedback!_

_Thank you xx_


	24. Chapter 24

_This chapter is shorter than the rest, which is why I'm updating now. I'll hopefully have a longer chapter for you very soon :) You know I don't like to keep you waiting long._

_This chapter takes place over a lengthy time period so it's quite choppy. I didn't want it to drag - next chapter will be better, I promise ;)_

* * *

The morning afterwards I found myself in a whirl of frantic urgent appointments and things that needed to be done. Jacob had asked me to visit him down at La Push – I asked him if he wanted to come up here but he refused. I think he liked the idea Edward couldn't reach us down there, so I reluctantly agreed and told him I'd be down after lunch.

During the morning, I had an unexpected visit from Carlisle. He told me I had to go and see Dr. Geller on Tuesday for the last time, just to round things off in her care before she passed me onto Carlisle. He assured me that everyone had accepted it without much questioning and, for that, I was incredibly thankful. I hugged him, telling him I slept much better although I couldn't tell him _why _I had and the causes for my temporary insomnia.

I drove to La Push border and parked up. I knew it was devious, but I knew Edward wouldn't let me go into La Push if he could help it. I dialled his number, speaking hurriedly into the speaker. As soon as I heard his breaths as he'd answered the phone, I began to speak hurriedly before Edward had a chance to.

"I'm okay, Edward. Don't worry. I'm going to La Push to see Jacob. Don't worry, honestly. I'll see you later when you're back. I love you," I gushed before hanging up and driving instantly over the border.

It wasn't that I wanted to hurt Edward; the idea of Edward suffering or worrying caused me mental torment and distress. But I wanted to see Jacob; when he wasn't being a complete asshole, I actually enjoyed his company.

The afternoon was spent with Jacob making jokes about my truck. I tried to hit him, but after feeling the hardness of his chest (much similar to Edward's) I decided I'd only hurt myself. Instead, I took advantage of his mechanical skills and we chatted about music as he titivated the engine.

...

Spring break was upon us by the Monday morning. I felt oddly relieved knowing I didn't have to go to school, ridden of the stares and whispers that, although had quietened down considerably since I'd first arrived back, still followed me in the corridors.

I thought of all my spare time so, after getting ready, I took a drive around to Newton's Outfitters. Thankfully, Mike was working so I asked him, completely shameful, if he needed any help at the shop. My thinking was that I should try and put some money behind me, increase my college fund, before running off with Edward for my transformation into immortality.

When Mike turned me down, however, with sincere apologies about finding someone else whilst I was ill, I was comforted by Edward. Although I didn't want to hear about the endless money in the Cullen's bank accounts, accompanied by stories about how Alice had used her ability to help expand them, I did feel a little better. I hated the idea of having to have Edward support me. I had enough money to begin with, I told him. He regretfully reminded me that I wouldn't actually be going to college.

Of course, after my change, I'd be marrying Edward when all of his money belonged to me, also. As much as I wanted to argue, I really couldn't. The amount of school work that took up my evenings, I couldn't put out a proper search for a job. What I already had would just have to do.

...

Tuesday evening was my last meeting with Dr. Geller. I felt awful, turning up for one last discussion when she was fully aware that I'd asked for Carlisle to treat me instead. As a gesture of kindness, I stopped by a store on my way to the meeting and purchased a 'thank-you' card, which I signed my name quickly on the dashboard of my car, and a box of chocolates.

As I walked in, the gift under my arm seemed oddly pathetic after all she'd done for me. I thought of her determination to help me and the kindness she'd shown me during my time of complete distress. Although, at the time, her efforts were in vain, I appreciated them all the same. When she saw me standing in the doorway of her office, however, and I handed over the card and the gift, I saw tears spring in her eyes and one make a glistening trail down her cheek.

"Thank you, Bella." She seemed genuinely touched.

We talked about Edward, as always. I told her that after our meeting last week with Edward sitting in, he'd seemed a lot better. I think it was his realisation of my unhappiness, a final understanding that he thought I'd eventually lose him that shocked him into seeing my way.

After mentioning Charlie, briefly touching upon my feelings towards him, we ended our meeting. The hour had passed. My time with Dr. Geller had come to an end.

I gave her a weak hug as I said goodbye, thanking her again, and I walked out. As soon as I reached my truck, I felt relief. I was closing the door on my past. I would be able to move forwards now; I didn't have to dwell on the negativity from my zombie stage and how that had carried through to the present.

As I drove away, I felt lighter. I could feel the pieces of my past breaking away one by one as I left the place where I was kept at my worst.

...

Half way through Spring Break, Edward reminded me of the flight tickets that Carlisle and Esme had kindly bought me for my eighteenth. Although they'd been returned to my possession by Alice after that fateful fight with Laurent and Victoria, they had still completely slipped my mind.

Why not visit now? The idea of leaving Renée behind when I embraced immortality was almost as difficult as thinking of saying goodbye to Charlie. At least Renée, however, had Phil for moral support and happiness. I would be leaving Charlie alone.

"I should visit," I said quietly, looking at the two tickets in my lap. "It might be my last time…"

"I agree." Edward pressed a light kiss against my hair. My eyes were welling up with premature tears.

"Two tickets." I picked them up and waved them in his face. "You're coming with me?" I asked hopefully. It'd be so much easier to say goodbye to Renée with Edward holding my hand. Besides, I wanted Renée to meet Edward properly, formally. I wanted her to see how happy I was, to understand and receive her blessing.

"I can, if you want me to." I noticed the hesitation in his voice. "But what about a family holiday? Would Charlie go?"

I looked at him in shock. Charlie? _Would _Charlie go? I didn't know. The idea of putting Charlie and Renée together again after so long seemed surreal… but I couldn't deny that the idea seemed tempting.

"Why can't you come?"

"I _can_ come, if you want me to. Obviously, it'll be sunny, but I could stay inside during the day. I do, however, think that it'll be a perfect opportunity for you all to be together. You can have me for an eternity."

It made sense. Edward, despite the more obvious times, always seemed to make sense. He over-thought everything which sometimes had disastrous consequences but often lead to the correct thing being done. The ideas of Edward and I in Florida dwindled in my mind, replaced by clear images of Charlie and I.

The only hurdle to cross now was to get Charlie agree. As much as I knew he'd accepted that Renée had moved on, he'd never been a huge part of their lives. Would he want the image of Renée and Phil forcefully thrust into his memory?

As Edward and I made our way downstairs to where Charlie was sitting on the couch, flicking through the channels with a grimace on his face, I hoped he'd say yes.

I sat down next to him as Edward occupied the arm chair. These seats had become our assigns seats when Charlie was home. It seemed to put him at ease when Edward and I were separated.

"What do you two want?" Charlie asked hesitantly.

"Well, Dad, you know for my birthday, Carlisle and Esme bought me plane tickets."

"Plane tickets?" He nearly choked.

"Yeah, it was very generous of them." I smiled. All Charlie could do was nod. "And I thought I could visit Mom. I haven't seen her in so long."

"What's the deal, Bells? You're eighteen, so you don't need my permission."

"No, I know. Well, they bought me _two _tickets. Did you wanna come with me?"

Charlie turned to look at me, mouth agape, eyes wide with shock. "Me? You want your dear old dad to come with you? To see Renée and Phil?"

"Yeah, I thought… I thought it'd be… be a nice thing for us to… do," I stuttered, not really sure how to phrase it. Charlie's eyes darted to Edward who was watching us. An idea sparked in my mind. "If you don't want to come though, Edward can."

"I never said I didn't want to!" Charlie snapped immediately. Of course he wouldn't want Edward and me to travel together. I only hoped he'd accept it when we told him I'd be studying half way across the world.

"So you'll come?"

"Yeah, I'll come," he said gruffly.

"I'll ring Mom and let her know, and book the flights?"

Charlie nodded, returning to the TV. Smiling, I followed Edward back up the stairs. Whilst I rang Renée, Edward rang the airport.

Within half an hour, everything was sorted. I could only thank Edward enough for organising everything. We would be flying to Florida on Monday morning, so we had the rest of today and tomorrow to pack. We would spend three days with Renée and fly back on the Thursday morning.

With accommodation and flights already paid for, the trip would cost nothing. As I tried to thank Edward again, all he said was that Esme and Carlisle would be grateful that the gift hadn't gone to waste, making reference to the tortured radio that he'd found.

Monday morning came all too quickly; Charlie and I had spent the Sunday mainly packing and hunting down Charlie's passport. I hadn't even thought about that. Luckily, he'd still got one from when he'd had to fly abroad for a conference. We were very lucky considering it'd expire by the end of the year.

Edward drove us to the airport, and would be there Thursday morning when the flight landed to bring us home. As Charlie checked us in, I wrapped my arms tightly around Edward, kissing him and holding him as close to me as I could.

"You'll be here when I get back? Promise me." I could hear the shaking of my voice, doubt clouding my mind. After everything, I was still worried. Everything was too perfect for it to remain the way it currently was. I was still waiting for the uncontrollable force to rip through my life and destroy the happiness I'd found.

He brought his hand down to my wrist. Bringing it up, he began to finger the bracelet that he'd bought me.

"Remember it's meaning, Bella." He kissed my lips, running my hair through his fingers. "I promise you. I love you."

Charlie and I disappeared through the gates and waited to board the plane. I could tell he was nervous, as was I. Would they get on okay after all this time?

The next three days passed in a whirlwind. For once, time passed quickly. Although I was apart from Edward and my heart ached with the deepest loss, I was able to enjoy my time in Florida for what it was worth; a last family get together with my family.

Charlie and Phil exchanged pleasantries as Renée welcomed Charlie back with a warm smile and a hug. That was, of course, after she'd thrown her arms around my neck with a shrill squeal of excitement, mumbling over and over how much she'd missed me and how good it was to see me.

Phil, unfortunately, could not draw himself away from work at such short notice. He apologised profusely on the first day before rushing away to work the next day.

As awful as it sounded to admit, it was nice to not have to worry about Phil and Charlie. Just the three of us, Renée, Charlie and I, we spent those three days together. They seemed to get on well, much better than I anticipated. Although there was a hint of awkwardness at the beginning, it eased away until they were comfortable around each other. Even when I wasn't in the room, I could heard them chatting together, the odd burst of laughter escaping as they reminised on the happier old days.

It seemed like a dream. It was definitely surreal to see my parents getting on so well. For so long, all of my memories were tainted with this tug of war. I was the rope, my arms outstretched as I tried to spread myself amongst the two of them. For once, they were together. I couldn't remember the time when they were together. I was only six months when Renée left, taking me with her.

In the sun, Charlie's skin looked healthier. After all those years where he was buried beneath those shadowing clouds of Forks, I loved the way he looked in the sun. It seemed to make his whole appearance lighter, happier. Was it the sun? Or was it Renée and I?

Despite his hesitations towards many of the activities we tried in those three days, I couldn't miss Charlie's smile. It was small, a kind of awkward curvature of the lips; it was as if he was unsure how to smile after so long of a straight face.

We spent a day on the beach, eating the picnic that Renée and I had prepared. It was good to feel the sun on my skin, each of my pores accepting the warmth like a long lost friend. It was, however, slightly discomforting after a while. I needed the cold. I needed my Edward to hold me in his cool embrace to take away the uncomfortable heat.

But for now, I accepted it, paddling and jumping in the sea. Renée sat there, sunning herself with a wide brimmed hat and a woman's slimming magazine. Charlie, looking awfully uncomfortable in his swimming trucks and an old t-shirt, kept himself under the sun umbrella for the majority of the day.

It was a mis-match family. We were completely dysfunctional. But it was so good to see us all together, after so long, for the last time.

When the time came to leave, I couldn't stop the tears from trickling down my cheek. The early morning sun that peeked through the clouds at such an early time warmed the back of my neck as my arms were clamped around Renée. I felt like a small child at their first day of school, not wanting to unwrap herself from their mothers embrace.

"I'll see you soon, honey. You're welcome any time."

All I could do was nod. I didn't want to lie, so I had to stay noncommittal. For several moments, we stayed that way in a bubble of timeless mother-daughter love.

"I love you, Mom."

Only when Charlie told us we'd miss the plane did I focus on Edward's face as I pulled away. With one last glance at my mother, taking in the last of her face, remembering every part of her body, listing in my mind all of our good times, all of her qualities, I began to cry harder.

My sobs were silent and Charlie didn't seem to notice the trickling tears down my cheeks.

I pretended to sleep on the plane. I knew it was going to have to happen again when I said goodbye to Charlie. I kept my head resting against his shoulder, feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. It was a kind of closeness I was comfortable with. Had Charlie thought I was awake, he'd have become uncomfortable with the exchange.

When I saw Edward waiting for the two of us at the airport, all the jumbled pieces fell into place.

Leaving Renée, saying goodbye, was all because I was going to spend the rest of forever with Edward; it would be worth it, in the end.

...

Unlike before, when I fought with the natural passing of time to slow, I appreciated it now. Sometimes, the days passed with a single blink; I found myself getting back into bed after, what seemed like, only minutes of getting up in the morning.

On other days, it was slower. But I didn't mind anymore.

As much as I wanted to spend time with Edward - every single second of it, to be exact - I knew I had to spend time with Charlie. My time with him, unlike with Edward, was swiftly coming to an end. I knew that, whereas Charlie was oblivious.

It was, however, difficult to spend so much time with him when I still had endless amounts of school work. It seemed the month of school work I missed was vital in the domino effect in putting me a month behind. Not to mention the finals that loomed ahead. With time being so unpredictable, I didn't know whether they were going to suddenly appear or take a slow and daunting show.

Edward and I had talked in detail about our false alibis that we'd be sporting after graduation, along with the much needed assistance of Carlisle. For our charade to work and to put enough supposed distance between Charlie and I to make it too expensive to travel, England seemed the best option. Although we weren't intending on going to England, Carlisle got in touch with some contacts.

Along with sending off long, detailed essays to University of Dartmouth, Alaska, and New York, Edward and I both sent of an application to Oxford University in England. I kept this from Charlie. He only asked once, and I'd deliberately shortened the list to the three of them. I didn't want Charlie to worry for so long before I actually went. Besides, I didn't have the energy (selfishly) to have him try and convince me to stay.

Before I knew it, it was the middle of May. Time was slipping away from me. Leaving Charlie, much like leaving Renée, would be one of the hardest things I'd ever have to do.

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_I hope that was okay for you._

_What do you think? Please review? _

_Thanks xx_


	25. Chapter 25

_Here is a longer chapter for you to make up for the short chapter last time, and the time skip. I'm not keen on then, to be fair, but they have to be done! I hope you appreciate the quick updates! I'm working hard for you, not to mention the need to write down all these ideas as quickly as they come!_

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After another long, loaded day of school, the bell had finally rung, signalling that the weekend was here. Fortunately, it wasn't raining like it had been that morning, so I didn't put the hood up on my coat. The cold, however, still managed the penetrate through the seams.

"How is the soon-to-be Mrs Cullen?" Edward asked as he bent down to press his lips against my cheek. He said it at every opportunity he got, no matter how long we'd been engaged - which was just over two months.

"You've got to stop saying that!" I exclaimed, grinning at him widely as we walked out of the school building together. "Especially in public," I added in a hushed whisper.

He shook his head, a smug smirk plastered across his features. "Well, I'm excited, no matter how far away it is."

Subconsciously, his hand came down to fumble with my bracelet as he led me towards the Volvo that we both came to school in. My truck, unfortunately, was in awful condition. The engine would not start much to my incredible frustration.

"Can I drive?" I asked hopefully. Edward raised an eyebrow at me, grinning widely.

"As if," he scoffed, opening the door to the passenger side and assisting me inside dramatically.

"I need a favour," I said when Edward was sitting beside me, starting the engine.

"What is it?"

"Using your wonderful strength," I said with a wicked grin," you need to push my truck to La Push border."

"You want me to push your truck?"

"Either that or tow it with your car…"

"I'll push it," Edward grumbled quietly. "But what will people think?"

"They'll think 'Bella's truck has finally died'."

"Which it has," Edward chirped in. "Can't I just buy you another? It could be a truck, if you prefer, but it wo-"

"You are not replacing it. End of. Jacob's gonna fix it for me."

Edward's eyes narrowed as he turned to look at me. "Rosalie's a good mechanic, you know? She'd be able to fix it up."

Despite our temporary truce in which she'd enlighten me with the horror story of her past, Rosalie was still incredible hostile towards me. If anything, it seemed to have gotten worse. In her eyes, I was choosing the life she didn't want, despite her warning. Irrational, maybe, but I got the impression Rosalie took it personally.

"I'm sure she'd be thrilled," I replied sarcastically. "Besides, Jacob told me he'd be happy to do it."

"Only because he likes you, Bella. If he didn't have some teenage crush on you, he might not be so interested in restoring the truck that is beyond help."

Edward pulled onto the driveway. I turned to face him, seeing his jaw set into a fixed state, eyes narrowed. His whole stature just oozed jealousy.

"What's so funny?" he asked, looking at my wide grin.

"You're jealous!"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Whatever I am, Bella, it is not jealous."

"You are! You don't like Jacob because he likes me!"

"I don't like Jacob because he imposes danger unto you."

"Are you going to push the truck to La Push border or am I gonna have to get Jacob to push it the whole way?"

"I'll do it," Edward said, sighing in defeat. "Although if you preferred, I would pay for professionals to work on it."

"Jacob is doing it, Edward. That's the end of it."

With a scowl, Edward got out of the car. I sat inside my truck, trying the engine. It spluttered and then died with a low grumble again. Edward tried to suppress his amusement as he pushed the car out of the driveway. I steered as Edward pushed.

I smiled widely as I looked out of the rear view mirror to see Edward, face set and scrunched as if pushing the car was a hard thing for him to do; I knew he had immeasurable strength, but it was cute to watch his acting. God, he was so handsome!

Soon enough, we reached La Push border. Edward hovered near me, not a single bead of perspiration in sight as he wiped his brow in his attempts to look human.

Just as Edward pulled me in for a quick kiss, Jacob appeared in ripped shorts and without a tee-shirt. It amazed me to see how toned he was, rippling muscles flexing as he came over to me.

"See something you like, Bella?" He grinned, wiggling his eyebrows. Beside me, Edward growled quietly.

"I see someone who can fix my baby."

"It's all those trips to Seattle, Bella. It's completely killed it," Jacob said, but soon realised what he'd said before falling silent. Edward's arms tightened around me protectively but I pushed out of him, giving him a quick kiss of goodbye.

"Come on then, I don't have all night!" I said, getting into the drivers seat.

Jacob began pushing, and we were soon on La Push land. I couldn't see Edward anymore but I hoped he'd be okay about it all.

We'd had this argument many times. I told him that, as much as I appreciated his concern, I was perfectly safe; I'd returned alive every time I'd visited Jacob, with no injuries, and it wasn't Edward's decision. Soon, I'd never see him again anyway. Of course, I got some amusement from realising Edward was jealous as much as anything.

"Faster, Jacob, come on!" I yelled jokingly. Suddenly, the speed picked up and I squealed when the wheels turned faster than I'm sure they had in a long time.

I slammed the brakes on when Jacob's house was in view, and they screeched to a stop. Jacob appeared at my window, grinning goofily and breathing heavily. I hopped out and went with Jacob to the garage where he grabbed a tool box, an old rag and flicked the switch to an old radio that began blurting out lyrics half way through a song.

I watched as Jacob's muscles flexed when he lifted up the hood, and buried himself beneath it. His mumbles resembled something similar to the song on the radio.

"Jacob, can't you put some clothes on?" I said quietly, instantly blushing when his face popped up.

"Does my awesome-ness both you?" He winked.

"You're half-dressed," I stated.

"It's easier to tie a pair of shorts to my leg instead of bringing a suitcase with me every time I want to phase," Jacob explained. "But if it's bothering you…" He ran inside, disappearing for several moments before returning, shrugging on a t-shirt as he came to stand beside my truck. "Better?"

"How can your body be so much older than you are? It's, like, twenty. You're _sixteen_."

Jacob shrugged. "Growth spurt when we go through the transformation. You know, we don't age now we're werewolves? When we can control what we are and we don't phase for a long time, that's when we start to grow older."

I didn't know anything, really, about werewolves. I'd been told they were dangerous, although I didn't believe that Jacob had a dangerous bone in his body. He was just so sweet. I knew they got a fever when they changed but that's about it.

"Whoa, what else?"

Jacob came over to me, a confused look on his face. In his hand was the tool he was just using, trying to breathe some life back into my baby.

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me something else about… werewolves."

Jacob stifled a laugh. "We aren't that interesting. We change, to save the humans from the vampires. I wish I could save you from the vampires," he mumbled quietly. "There's a treaty, which you know about. We phase. We imprint. We eat lots."

"What's imprinting?"

"It's completely involuntarty but it's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like... gravity moves... suddenly. The minute you see her, it's not the earth holding you here anymore, she does... You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend."

The passion in Jacob's eyes as he spoke was hard to watch. I could feel the heat radiating off of Jacob's body as I stood beside him. Edward said Jacob liked me. Did he like me? Did he like me… _that _much?

"Have you imprinted?"

Jacob turned away from me, suddenly. He tried to take a step away but I reached out to grab his wrist, trying to pull him towards me. His skin was so warm, as if I was placing my hands on a radiator.

"No," he snapped shortly, yanking his hand out of my wrist.

His quick movement caught my bracelet. The expensive piece of jewellery flew off as the clasp was broken with Jacob's quick, hostile movement. I looked down at the beautiful bracelet amongst the muddy ground. I bent down to retrieve it but Jacob got there first.

"Fancy," he grumbled, shooting me a look with a raised eyebrow. He turned the bracelet over in his hands, the white gold looking pale against his russet skin.

Suddenly, he stopped still. I walked forwards quickly, wondering if there was a stone missing. God, if I'd lost one of the sapphires, Edward wouldn't be happy. This was why I didn't want to where it every day.

But all of the stones were in perfect order, looking as glamarous as ever as the glistened at me. My eyes latched onto the same thing as Jacob's had.

On the back of the bracelet, along the inside where the bracelet would be pressed against my skin, there were six words engraved:

"_Forever to be, man and wife"_

My heart stopped. Had Edward had those words engraved? This is why it was so important for me to wear it. He was so sure that this was an 'engagement bracelet', which of course it was when it had the hidden message scribbled into the side!

"_Forever to be, man and wife?_" Jacob almost spat the words out, flinging the bracelet across to me.

It fell to the floor at my feet and I bent instantly to pick it up.

"Forever?" His eyes screamed furious. "Man and wife?"

"I…"

"You're _engaged?_" he screamed as he began pacing.

"Jacob, please," I began. "Don't… don't tell Charlie. He doesn't know. We aren't getting married, yet. It's just… just a bracelet."

Jacob took a step towards me, looking down on my so our faces were inches apart. The anger that lined his face as he spoke, morphing his words into distasteful venom. "Forever?" he spat.

"It's the only way…" I tried to say, but the words were lost in the atmosphere that was so heavily packed with frustration.

"He'll kill you, Bella. You won't be _you _anymore! You'd be better off dead!"

I flinched, taking a step back from him. His body was physically overpowering and intimidating in his fury.

"I can't live without him," I mumbled feebly.

"You think that becoming one of them is _living_?" he exclaimed.

I took another step backwards.

"Jacob, please."

"It's against the treaty. He can't do it. We'll kill him."

"You won't know where we are. Jacob, don't tell Charlie. Don't, I'm… _please_."

"How can you do this to Charlie? It'll kill him!"

"I know!" I screamed back at him. "I know!" I pushed against him, giving him a shove with as much strength as I could muster. I think it was the shock of my actions that made Jacob take a step backwards, not how strong I was.

But, suddenly, Jacob's body began to shake. His breathing instantly became heavier. Stumbling further backwards, I tried to take as many steps back as quickly as I could. Jacob spun and ran in the opposite direction from me, before his shirt shredded into pieces and fur burst from Jacob's body.

I fell to the floor, staring in shock at the wolf in front of me. The wolf's head turned to look at me. It was only the eyes that told me Jacob was trapped inside that body; the eyes held so much, told me so much. Without speaking, Jacob told me everything; how he felt sorry for me, for my impending change, regret for not being able to save me and shame for not being able to control how he'd phased.

Billy appeared at the door of the house. His mouth fell open as soon as his eyes came to rest on me, sitting sprawled on the floor, Jacob in wolf form merely ten metres away.

"Jake?"

The wolf's head turned to look at his father before bowing his head deeply and rushing off across the pathway near the house and disappearing amongst the trees.

"Bella?"

"We had an argument," I explained weakly.

"Did he hurt you?"

"I'm fine," I said, although I was shaking myself.

I didn't fasten the bracelet back around my wrist. Instead, I placed it in my pocket where Billy couldn't see it.

"Should I call Charlie to fetch you?" he asked, looking at the truck that was in no better condition now than when it first got here.

I shook my head. "I'll walk to the border."

I went to stand up, brushing the dirt off my jeans. I ran my hands through my hair, my hands trembling with the shock of what had just happened. I started walking along the driveway.

"Bella?" I turned towards Billy. "What did you argue about?"

I sighed heavily. "I'm sure Jacob will tell you all about it."

On my way to the border, tears were streaming down my cheeks. My best friend had just told me I'd be better off dead. I felt the aches shoot through me over and over again with every step forward I took.

I sent a single text message to Edward: _Fetch me from the border._

I'd received one in return, and I assumed he would be there much before I was: _On my way. _

As the stretch of road slowly morphed back into Forks, I saw the Volvo sitting their patiently for me. Edward, however, was pacing around, until he rushed over towards me, sweeping me up in his arms.

"What's the matter?" He kept pressing kisses over my face, wiping away my salty tears with his lips, smothering me with affection whilst scanning me for injury.

"He wants me dead."

Edward raised his eyebrows. "Jacob?"

I nodded weakly, my sobs making my chest shake violently. I pushed myself away from Edward so I could reach my hand into my pocket, pulling out the bracelet. "He found this." I handed it to him. "The message…"

"Oh, Bella." Edward sighed, pulling me back into him.

"Didn't want us to get married. Wanted me dead rather than a vampire. Got angry. Ran off," I stuttered, clinging to Edward in desperation. "He can't tell Charlie. As long as he doesn't tell Charlie…"

"Bella, he can't. He can't tell him about the change. It'd mean revealing his werewolf-ism."

"Engagement, Edward!" I snapped, waving the bracelet in front of Edward's face. "He can't know. It'll kill him!"

"Sssh," Edward tried to soothe. "Jacob wouldn't do it to you, or to Charlie. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"You don't know anything, Edward," I said with a smile, leaning up to kiss him. "I'm a right state."

"It's understandable."

"I forgot how much I liked Jacob. I… I guess he was just another person I could be myself with." I sighed into Edward's chest.

"We have the whole weekend. We have the whole night. Come back to mine? I could cook you something?"

"Edward Cullen, cooking?" I smirked, despite my awful mood.

"It happens!"

"I didn't realise you could cook…"

"I couldn't. But I'm learning. I hated it that you had to eat before you came over, or have Esme cook you something. I want to do it. It's my resp-"

"If you say resposniblity, Edward Cullen, I may have to divorce you." I grinned.

"We aren't married yet," he breathed into my ear, pressing kisses along my cheekbone before brushing his lips against mine. I leaned down, pressing my body against his. My hands roamed his body, coming to rest nicely against his hip, dipping lower into his pocket. Edward moaned.

"Come on." I gave him a nudge, smiling with the feeling of his keys in my hand. I waved them up at him.

His eyes widened. "You think I didn't _let _you take them?" He smiled.

"You didn't?"

"Bella, it takes a lot more than a kiss to distract a vampire."

I wiggled my eyebrows at him jokingly. "I'll keep that in mind."

Pleased that he'd let me drive, I grinned all the way back to his house. Edward seemed on edge the whole way home, worrying about my ability to drive in his precious car.

My mind wandered briefly to Jacob. Then again, what else had I expected his reaction to be like? He would have put two and two together when we announced we'd be studying together in England, saying our goodbyes. He wouldn't have been happy about it then, either. At least this way, maybe we could come to a sort of standing agreement and part on good terms. I hoped so.

His comment struck a cord: you'd be better of dead. It rang similar to what Rosalie had told me, before. Maybe she and Jacob would get on well.

The Cullen household soon came into view. Emmett was walking around from the garage when he saw me driving the car. Giving me a huge thumbs up, he smirked. Beside me, Edward growled lowly; I'd obviously missed their conversation.

I threw Edward the keys when I got out, which he caught effortlessly.

"You've got it _baaaaad_!" Emmett yelled for us all to hear, to Edward.

Scowling, Edward led me inside where the whole family, besides Carlisle, seemed to be gathered, although each of them doing different activities.

"Hello, Bella!" Esme called as the others seemed to just nod their acknowledgement.

I gave a wave. "I've come to raid your fridge," I said with a smile.

"Well, we do stock it for your enjoyment," Alice chirped.

I walked through to the kitchen, Edward in tow. He hovered by the fridge, looking a little nervous, in his own home.

"I'm looking forward to this." I grinned walking over to lean on the counter as I watched Edward closely.

"To what?"

"Watching you cook! In all the time I've known you, you've never cooked a thing. What are you gonna burn for me, then?"

"I will not burn it. I happen to have incredible sense of smell; I will be very aware when something is close to burning."

"Let's see your skills, then."

Edward came over to me, picking me up as I squeaked awkwardly. He placed me on countertop near the sink. I looked at him, confused.

"Why am I sitting here?"

"I'm gonna cook you, silly."

I nearly choked with laughter. This new Edward, joking and allowing, was so much fun to be with. I think he was trying to take my mind of Jacob and the pain that his comment had inflicted on me - I was pleased to say it was working.

"I thought I was warm enough," I smirked, thinking about my blood.

Edward leaned into me, bringing his lips to my ear. He brushed the hair away carefully with his fingers, leaving it bare so I could hear clearly. "You're hot enough," he breathed. My eyes widened. I could feel the way his cheeks moved as he grinned.

He disappeared across the room, opening the fridge and pulling out a packet of chicken. He held it up to me and I nodded with my agreement. He grabbed a recipe book from the shelf, flicking instantly to the page and holding it up to me.

"How about a chicken curry?" he asked, laying the book in my lap so I could look it over.

"It'll make me even hotter," I smirked and Edward eyes sparkled with joy.

"Chicken curry it is."

Edward did manage to cook it perfectly. To begin with, he took several minutes studying the recipt thoroughly but didn't look at it once during the process. I assumed it was due to his perfect memory. The way his quick movements and precision allowed him to slice the chicken and peppers effortlessly with speed. It was entertaining to watch.

As he layed the plate in front of me, handing me a glass of soda, Alice popped into the kitchen.

"You, upstairs," she demanded, pointing to Edward.

He looked confused but, after a moment, his face let out and he left the room after a quick kiss on the forehead.

"You're staying the night. With me. Edward is, er, supposed to be at some music concert with Jasper."

"And he had to go upstairs, why?"

The doorbell rang at that exact moment. "'Cause Charlie's bringing your PJ's round, duh!" She grinned and disappeared at human speed to answer the door. I followed her round, leaving my untouched dinner.

"Hey, Dad." I walked over to him, taking the holdall out of his hand.

"I got a call off Billy," he said straight away, hardly acknowelging that I said hello.

"Uh, yeah?"

"You and Jacob get into some kind of argument?"

I nodded slowly. This was it… how much did Billy tell him? I knew how much it'd kill Charlie if I told him Edward and I were getting married. I mean, he and Renée both had views about marriage at a young age because of their separation. But if someone else told him, if others knew before he did, that'd break him even more.

"What was it about?"

"Oh…" I was shocked. Surely Charlie would have said straight away if he knew? "Just Jacob being rude again," I mumbled.

Charlie rolled his eyes, aiming it at Esme who was discreetly watching the two of us. "Kids will be kids, eh?" he scoffed. "Anyway, you girls have fun."

He pecked my cheek and disappeared back out the door. As the sound of his engine soon blended into silence, Edward came back down the stairs and we walked back into the kitchen. The chicken curry was still steaming.

"This is amazing," I said after my first mouthful.

"Good." Edward smiled proudly.

I finished off the dish, devouring every last mouthful. It was really good, especially for a vampire who had never tasted chicken curry! When I'd finished, however, Edward and I began to argue when I claimed that I was going to tidy up the mess. Edward was having none of it, being as stubborn as ever.

"Can I go for a shower then as you do it?" I was thinking that, at least this way, we'd have longer as we could kill two birds with one stone.

"Of course. There will be clean towels in the bathroom. You know where it is."

"I wont be long." I kissed Edward quickly, thinking how nice it'd be to have him beside me as I slept and not have to stay quiet because of Charlie.

I grabbed my bag and made my way up the stairs. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket to see two text messages and two missed calls.

The first message was from Edward: _I'm here,_ from when he'd arrived at the border of La Push before I did.

The second text message was from Charlie: _Where are you? Your truck's on the drive…? _One of the missed calls was from Charlie, too. It was a good job Alice had rung him, since my phone was on silent and I hadn't noticed his messages.

The second missed call was from Jacob. My heart ached when I saw his name, remembering his awful comment. He'd left a message on the answering machine.

I walked into the bathroom, grabbing a towel and locking the door. Starting the shower, I let the water run to hopefully mask the sound of what I was doing. Would the sound of the shower hide it from the vampires?

I brought the phone to my ear:

"Don't worry. I didn't tell Charlie anything. I don't want to be the person to break the news that his only daughter is marrying a monster; I'm not that cruel. _You_ should tell him though. Maybe if you saw his face fall when you told him, it might make you change your mind. Maybe telling him will save your humanity. I mean what I said, Bella. You wont be you, anymore. You won't be Bella which means we won't be friends anymore. I like you. Hell, I even think I love you." My breath caught. "Maybe you're doing me a favour by killing yourself. It'll be easier to move on that way, at least. See you around, Bella."

The dial tone sounded and I collapsed on the floor. I brought the towel to my chest, holding onto it tightly as if grasping at anything. I was trying to stop foundations crumbling beneath me. To have him say such cruel things… it went too deep; he'd pushed the knife in too deep.

The running water didn't seem to work. Edward was suddenly at the bathroom door, knocking and calling out my name. When I didn't answer, too shocked to say anything, he ripped the lock off the door and just walked in.

Confusion passed over his face when he saw me on the floor, fully clothed and dry, with the water running.

As if to answer his many questions, I passed him my phone. I heard the low mumblings of Jacob's voice as he listened to the message.

"He's… he's just u-using Ch-Charlie to make h-his point!" I sobbed. "I-it's hard enough w-without J-Jac-cob reminding m-me!"

Edward bent down and scooped me into his arms. He let the water of the shower continue to run, a steady beating which I tried to get my breathing to match, as he carried me into his bedroom. I eyed the bed that was took up the majority of his room suspisciously as he lay me down and joined me.

Edward's hand traced my face, running over the scorching tears with his cool finger. I liked the way the cold felt against my burning cheek. It soothed, it healed, it loved.

"Why the bed?" I squeaked when I could form words without stuttering.

"Because I couldn't have you sleeping on the floor every time you stay over, could I?" Edward rolled his eyes when I nodded my head.

"I don't want a shower, anymore," I told him when I could still hear the sound of the pounding. "Is it too early to want to sleep?"

"If you're tired, it makes perfect sense for you to sleep," Edward said.

"You don't realise how good you are to me. You make me feel so much better. You make me forget."

"I could say the very same to you, Bella." His lips grazed my forehead.

I tightened my arms around him, holding him as close to me as I could manage. Our bodies were pressed against each other, no distance between us at all.

"I love you," I breathed, closing my eyes. I sighed, blocking out Jacob's awful message and the idea of leaving Charlie. Instead, I focused on Edward as I bordered on falling asleep. "You make everything worth while."

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_Please review!_

_Thank you xx_


	26. Chapter 26

_Thank you for the response last chapter :) A lot of you said it was the best yet! It was good to hear - I hope you like this one, too :)_

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"Oh, my god."

I stared at the paper in my trembling hands, quivering with excitement, nerves, fear – I didn't know. I'd been accepted. I'd actually been accepted into Oxford University in _England_. It wasn't a lie I'd have to tell Charlie; I wouldn't have to pretend with false happiness that I'd got in – I actually had!

Although I had no intention of actually going to study there, I still couldn't shake off this overwhelming knowledge that they'd liked my application enough to accept me. It was so popular, one of the best, and I'd got in. I felt so proud of myself, that I'd actually accomplished this.

"Bella?" Edward called from the doorway. I looked up from the letter in my hands and let my eyes wander out of the kitchen to his waiting figure. "I knocked… you didn't answer," he said slowly, his face a mixture of confusion and curiosity. I waved the piece of paper in my hand, rushing over to him and doing a little jump that resembled Alice.

"Look!" I exclaimed, thrusting it further into his face.

"Oh, Bella!" Edward's face lit up with pride and joy, pulling me in for a hug. He squeezed me tightly against him. "You did it!"

"Did you? Did you get in?"

Edward nodded with a shrug. "But I've been doing high school for _years, _Bella. Not to mention I can't forget anything. This is huge for you." He paused and made eye contact with me. As always, I almost forgot to breathe. "We could go, you know. For a year or two, we could actually go and study there...?"

My brow furrowed. "Don't even go there, Edward. Yes, I'm pleased I got in. No, I don't want to go. But it makes my lie easier, at least." I grinned, still revelling in holding the piece of paper in my hand. "Besides, I can go again another time. Maybe in a hundred years?" I winked.

Obviously, I'd be a vampire if I ever did get to go there in the future so it wouldn't really be _my _brain, but it'd be a good experience… then. Not now, not when there was still so much distance between Edward and me.

"I love you so much," Edward breathed, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Can I cook you a celebratory dinner?" He winked at me, spinning me around and almost pushing me into the kitchen. "I do believe you _loved _my cooking last week."

I tried to smile, suddenly remembering the argument with Jacob. I still hadn't spoken to him; harsh words the only thing my memory conjured when I thought of him.

"I do love your cooking," I agreed in a mumble, trying to wind Edward up. I was too happy to succumb to the misery that Jacob had poured onto my life.

"Excellent. What shall it be?" He opened the fridge and peered inside. From the other side of the door, I could here his snickers. "I could cook you… lettuce?" He held up the browning lettuce. "Or perhaps a cheese sandwich?" He held up a slab of cheese that was tightly wrapped in Clingfilm. "Or maybe even a bowl of cereal?"

"Alright, I get it. There's nothing in. I need to go shopping," I snapped playfully, pushing the door closed and pressing myself against him. My mind had been on other things for a while. I'd completely forgotten to go shopping this past week, and Charlie hadn't even noticed.

"My house?" Edward grinned wickedly. "Bring Charlie the leftovers?"

"Sounds like a plan."

I scribbled Charlie a note, telling him where I was. I hoped the promise of a dinner would soften the blow a little as I signed the bottom and rushed outside to Edward.

I could tell that time was passing. If not because the graduation loomed incredibly close by, it was the slowly changing seasons. Although Forks was shaded by the clouds and all types of seasons resembled winter, I could sense the sun behind the low hanging clouds and the way that summer was so close. I wondered whether I'd be able to witness many other summers; I'd only be able to do it in secret. This image, however, only planted another image, a more appealing image, of Edward and I together on a deserted beach in the sun, glistening equally.

"Bella, did you hear anything I just said?"

I turned my head to look at Edward; his face was plastered with an amused expression.

"Sorry, what?"

"I _said_ that with graduation approaching, I was thinking that we could arrange something? Would you like to go with me? Also, Alice has been mentioning a party which, well, I can understand you not wanting to-"

"Just answer me _one _thing."

Edward's eyes narrowed at my interruption. A smirk pierced my face, lighting me up. I loved it when I made Edward suspicious; I had a hold over him with his ignorance that nobody else had. I was the exception to his rule.

"Okay…?"

"Does Alice have _any _hold over you? Do you have some kind of surprise planned for me? A secret you didn't want to tell me – or anyone else?"

Looking confused, Edward slowly shook his head.

"Is it important?"

I sighed, relieved. "I just need to know I can refuse with _you _on my side! If I refuse and then Alice blackmails you, you fold like a broken camping chair. Don't even try to deny it, Edward Cullen."

Edward smirked, knowledge flooding through him and reliving him of his worried and curious state. "Wouldn't dream of it." He grinned widely, pulling onto the driveway. "Prepare yourself."

Rushing round to open my door, Edward smiled mischievously as he kept his gaze locked on me. Just then, Alice appeared, smiling broadly. Carlisle was directly behind her, grinning just as proudly. I felt a surge of honour; the look on Carlisle's face was so fatherly, it made my heart ache. On some level, it gave me some kind of comfort. Although Charlie couldn't always be with me, I'd always have a father in Carlisle.

"You did it!" Alice squealed, running over to wrap her arms tightly around me. She swung me up in the air and I kicked wildly, screeching at her to put me back on the floor. It was so weird to be picked up by someone so much smaller than me.

"Well done, Bella." Carlisle greeted as we made our way inside.

"Did you, like, pull _lots _of strings?" I asked Carlisle.

"Hardly any. I simply mentioned my son and his girlfriend were applying and they were very good students." Charlie shrugged and I wondered whether that was all.

"Bella." Alice tugged on my arm, pulling me over to the sofa. "Now, to celebrate, I'm gonna mix your graduation party in with your leaving par-"

"There isn't going to be a leaving party _or _a graduation party."

"But you've g-"

"Not a chance. Who is there to say goodbye to?"

"You've got lots of f-"

"Alice, I'm the crazy girl."

"If I threw you a-"

"No party, Alice."

"Bu-"

"Not a chance. Not now, not later. Don't even think about manipulating Edward into dazzling me into a state of submission, okay? No."

"Bella, this is a really important human experience. Edward, you should be encouraging this! Her only chance at a re-"

"I said no, Alice!" I snapped, moving over to Edward. I could already see the temptation in his features, slowly getting ready to convince me.

"Bella," Edward said slowly, his voice bordering on persuasive.

"Don't," I breathed, standing on my tip toes and pressing a kiss on his lips. "Remember whose side you're on." I rubbed my hands down Edward's chest, gripping his shirt at random intervals, hoping to portray my frustration. I sighed heavily into his chest, letting the warmth of the breath soak through the fabric.

Edward's eyes closed for a moment in frustration – or lust? – before turning back onto Alice.

"Nope. What Bella wants Bella gets."

"God, you're like a love sick puppy!" Alice chastised.

"I do have a different idea, though…" I said quietly.

"Oh?"

I noticed that Carlisle still hadn't removed himself from the room, watching the argument like one would watch a tennis match, moving his head from side to side. When the light hit his face in a certain way, I would say that Carlisle was almost amused at the banter.

"I… well; I don't want Charlie to know about England, yet. And I don't want him to know that you knew before him – that'd be awful for him." They all nodded in agreement. "So, instead of a party, maybe a dinner? Just a casual thing… where Edward and I could tell the rest of the family about England."

Alice's face seemed to brighten just a little bit. She obviously would rather this dinner than nothing at all. Carlisle nodded for more.

"I know how good you are at pretending. Edward and I could tell you, Esme and Charlie, and you could pretend it's all new, get upset, but agree to it."

"I think that sounds reasonable," Carlisle said with a smile.

"Just Charlie?"

"Just Charlie."

"Not much of a party, Bella…"

"It isn't supposed to be. Now, as much as I love you, it's Carlisle and Esme's permission I need. And then Edward can cook for me like he promised." I grinned cheekily at Edward, flashing him my best smile and winking.

"Esme and I will be happy to do it," Carlisle assured. "I'll let her know when she comes home."

Edward took my hand in his. We walked past Alice, a smouldering expression on her face so hateful I thought she'd explode from the intensity, and we walked into the kitchen.

Much like last time, Edward placed me on the kitchen counter next to the sink where he talked me through the whole contents of the fridge. He put on funny voices as he announced what possibilities were available, giving the simplest of dishes fancy names because, apparently, even the blandest of foods would taste incredible when cooked by Edward. I scowled, telling him he should work in advertising.

Once deciding on spaghetti Bolognese, Edward cooked thoroughly, giving a running commentary on what he was doing. Half way through, I threw a mushroom at him, although it missed his head by inches as he dodged it, throwing one back gently to hit me squarely on the forehead. I told him, once I was a vampire, there'd be no escaping me. We grinned mercilessly.

When dinner had been cooked and eaten, Edward plated the rest up for Charlie and covered it over with another dish.

"He'll be pleased," I said, eyeing up the large dish in my hand as Edward drove me to the grocery store.

I'd asked Edward to come shopping with me, thinking of that abysmally empty fridge back at home. If I didn't go today, I'd only have to go after school.

As Edward pushed the shopping cart round, I couldn't help but grin at the image; he looked so domestic, what with the cooking and the shopping. I wondered when the last time he'd ever done something remotely like this or whether I was the cause. I didn't mind – it was amusing to watch him grimace at the salad aisle and turn his nose up at the frozen section.

"These are good!" I exclaimed, placing my favourite biscuits into the cart.

"I'll take your word for it."

Coming round the corner, I saw Angela in front of me, juggling the pile of items she was cradling, shooting awkward, apologetic smiles at the people she bumped into.

I smiled at her, going over to try and take some of the things off of her. She told me how busy she was; getting some groceries for her mother that she didn't think would warrant a shopping cart, the long list of graduation invites that were left to be done at home and how Ben refused to help because of how many she had to write.

I thought about, how after graduation, I wouldn't see Angela again. After all of the kindness and assistance that she showed me, her generous actions when she offered her help and her congratulations on my recovery, I would be saying goodbye to her imminently. The thought, however diluted it was compared to the loss of Charlie and Jacob, would still be painful.

"I could help? I don't have much else to do." I gave Edward a look, hoping for his support. As always, his twinkling eyes showed me nothing but. "Besides finishing the shopping…"

"I'll finish that, if you want me to."

"It just needs putting away."

"Don't worry," Angela said, trying to refuse. "Honestly, I don't want to be any trouble."

"It won't. Edward can put it away. Here." I reached into my bag, pulling my house key from the rest of them. "I'll help Angela. I'll see you later?"

Edward grinned widely. "Call me when you want picking up."

I pressed my lips to his; inhaling his intoxicating scent with the deepest inhalation I could manage. As he pushed the cart out of view, I smiled to myself at the surrealism of a domesticated Edward.

"Have I ruined your day?" Angela asked awkwardly as I took some of the items out of her hand.

"Not at all; we were only grocery shopping. It wouldn't hurt him to help." I grinned and Angela rolled her eyes in knowing.

"Tell me about it. Ben drives his mother mad!"

Angela had practically finished her shopping so we made out way to the check out, arms filled with items. We were on the check out next to Edward's, so I kept throwing him glances and smiling at him as much as I could without being ignorant to Angela.

I helped pack the bags and load them into the truck of Angela's car where she drove home, chatting mindlessly about the radio station she had on.

"I just can't believe how much I have to do. Ben's adamant he won't help me, no matter how much he loves me." She rolled her eyes, pulling onto the driveway of her house.

I helped unload the car, bringing the bags and placing them on the kitchen table. Angela placed away the majority of the stuff as quickly as she could and then got me a drink.

"I can't believe you're actually going to help me. Are you sure?" she said, a last warning before I couldn't back away.

"It's fine."

She opened her bedroom door and I saw the stacks of envelopes.

"I've already done _some_," Angela said, pointing to a very small pile in comparison to the rest of the unfinished ones.

"Wow." I looked around the room as Angela apologised over and over again with her eyes.

We sat on the floor, her mothers address book propped up between us as we scribbled down the addresses of numerous family friends and relatives onto the envelopes.

"I can't believe we're graduating, you know?" she said after a couple of minutes of silence.

"It's a scary thought," I agreed. Of course, after graduation, I'd finally be able to start living the life I'd chosen. As much as it was scary, it was oddly exciting, too.

I grinned unconsciously; happiness controlling my features like it was a puppeteer. I looked down at the envelopes, writing more addresses out to try and hide my grin, but all I could think of was Edward and I together, forever. Only then, there would be school to keep us apart, or meaningless chores – I could hunt with him; we'd never be apart.

"You seem happy," Angela observed. I looked up to see her watching me, a grin on her own face. I tried to shrug it off. "No, no, it's good to see." She paused for a moment, and I got the impression she was worried whether she should say what she wanted to. "You've been through a lot. You deserve to be happy."

Angela's words touched me. It was obvious how nice a person she was, always so ready to help or smile, be a friend to someone who needed it. As most looked at me crazily, fearing me as if depression were a disease they could catch, Angela had been there to make sure I was okay.

"I am happy." I nodded, biting my lip. "I… if I tell you something, can you promise not to tell?"

Angela nodded, slightly warily but I was certain of her honesty.

"Charlie doesn't know yet, that's all and I… I just…" I paused, a smile breaking out of my face. Maybe now was the chance to tell her, so explanations wouldn't be forced out of me during my hasty goodbye. "Edward and I have both been accepted into Oxford University."

Mouth agape, eyes wide, Angela said, "Oxford? As in, _England?_"

"Yeah," I said breathily. "We're going."

"Oh! Congratulations!" She jumped up to hug me, knocking some of the envelopes into a scattered array beside us. "Well Done!"

"It's not just the university. I'm just excited about going with Edward, away from everything that's happened." I wanted her to understand, to have an insight into how I felt. It seemed she was someone who could relate in her own terms, whereas Jacob had already flipped out and Charlie would be broken at the idea.

"I understand," she said, nodding her hand. Her grin remained, unfaltering. "It must be so exciting. Will you live together?"

"Probably." I shrugged, thinking how our living arrangements would fit into our lie. "What about you and Ben?"

"Washington. I got my dorm assignment the other day. Furthest from campus, typically." She rolled her eyes. "Ben's is closer. I might get him to swap with me, payback for leaving you to help me with this lot."

I looked at the pile that was slowly decreasing. My hand was beginning to ache.

"We'll be so far apart," Angela said quietly. "It's hours away, England. And Charlie doesn't know yet?"

I grimaced. "Not yet. Neither do Edward's parents." I paused, my stomach dropping. I thought of the shock that would come for Charlie. "They don't even know we applied."

Angela's mouth dropped again before she quickly returned back to normal. I don't think she knew what to say.

"I'm dreading telling him." I closed my eyes, the weight falling back onto my shoulders. This bipolar affect it was having on me was unreal.

"Couldn't you… warn him? Let him know it's at least a possibility?" she suggested.

"Edward said that… but he'd try and convince me to stay or be unhappy for the rest of our time together. The shock will be best."

I tried not to notice the arrogance in my voice. As I tried to assure myself that what I was doing was correct, I thought of Edward telling me he was leaving; "a clean break." How wrong he was, but how right he thought he was. Was that the same here? Was I deluding myself and ignoring Charlie's best interests?

But there was the bigger picture… the vampirism that I was condemning myself to. I hoped, I prayed, that I was right.

"Well, it'll all work out. You can visit, right?" Angela smiled and continued to write her envelopes.

If only I could…

"We need to stay in touch," I said, keeping my eyes fixed on the envelopes. I wrote several more addresses out.

"Of course. I'll miss you. Will you email?"

"If I can type after all of this." I grinned, indicating the piles of invites.

As sadness crashed around me, I thought of the internet connection that I'd rely on to stay in touch with my friends, no matter how small the list was. My mother, Charlie; how long would it be before I was in the right frame of mind to compose an email? I'd assign Edward to that task, make up some rubbish lie about my hectic social life and cramped study sessions and sign it off as if I'd written it.

We continued to chatter, and we finished off the last of the invitations. By the time we'd done, my hand was severally stiff. I helped put on the stamps, too, and sent a text message to Edward, telling him I was ready to go home.

"How's your hand?" She smiled apologetically at me again.

"Not too bad. I've had worse." I smirked. "I best get going. No doubt Edward has put the food in all the wrong cupboards." I rolled my eyes and Angela laughed.

"I need to call Ben. He'll be pleased to know they're done; I swear he's been avoiding me."

I said my goodbyes to Angela, promising to do it again sometime before I go to England, swearing her to secrecy again and telling her I'd see her at school.

Edward was waiting outside for me, pulling into the driveway just as I opened the front door. He was smiling widely and waved politely to Angela who called her pleasantries from the doorway.

"Have a good time?"

"My hand is going to drop off."

He brought my hand up, kissing my knuckles and trailing his cool fingers over each of my own, breathing life back into them. I could have sworn his hands had worked magic.

"And, god, I swear all this stressing is giving me a headache! So many things always whirling around in my head, ugh!" I exclaimed, bringing up my hands to try and massage away the tight, busy feeling in my head. Edward's cool hands removed my own, and very gently began to rub the scalp. Leaning over, he pressed his lips against my temple.

"That does crazy things to my heart," I said shyly. "It's beating too quickly."

Very slowly, Edward bent his head so his mouth came to rest on my chest. He placed a timid kiss over my beating heart, very close to my breast, before bringing his head back up. If anything, my heart beat even faster.

"You enjoy tormenting me, don't you?" I said breathy.

Edward grinned smugly. "It's somewhat entertaining. Your embarrassment is a bonus. I'm just trying to show you how much I love you."

"I like it when you show me."

"Your heart already said that."

"It spoke, did it? The amazing Edward Cullen can now talk to hearts?"

Chuckling, Edward grinned. "You should know by now, Bella, there isn't anything I couldn't do." Edward started the engine and turned to look at me as we began driving down the road.

"You know, that arrogance of yours isn't very attractive."

"Yet your heart says otherwise."

As if to prove his point, Edward's hand snaked out as he continued to drive. Lightly, he brushed his hand against my thigh, moving upwards. I turned to face him, watching as he smiled widely, eyes glistening with mischief.

_"I can hear that," he said quietly. "I can hear your heart."_

"Well, now we've tested your hearing," I snapped in jest, smacking away his hand, "perhaps we can move onto a different subject of conversation. I felt exposed and embarrassed when Edward could so obviously dazzle me. I couldn't control anything - hell, I couldn't even make him feel the same way.

"Like why did I hear England mentioned back at Angela's place?"

I blushed at being caught out, twisting my head to give Edward an apologetic smile. "I had to tell her. She could just, literally, _sense_ the happiness radiating off me."

"I'm pleased you're happy."

"And she promised not to tell a word to anyone, 'cause of Charlie. And I had to tell her. She's been good to me."

"You don't have to defend yourself. It's okay."

"You aren't mad?"

"Why would I be mad? I find it very hard to get mad at you, Bella."

"I thought you'd be angry I told the secret. And you do get mad at me! When I went to see Jacob?"

"I think you misinterpreted my worry and frustration for anger. I am yet to be mad at you."

"There's a first time for everything." I grinned mischievously.

"I'm sure there is…" he agreed slowly, his lips curving into a challenging smile that begged me to wind him up. For now, I couldn't think of anything. But there was time. It was something I had been promised a lot of.

* * *

_I hope you liked it! It's more of a filler, a build up for what's coming. It's needed for the following chapters :)_

_Please review with your thoughts._

_Thank you! xx_


	27. Chapter 27

_I'm really sorry that the update was slow this week. On top of my hectic school work, my mum and I do an annual coffee morning for MacMillian Cancer Care - and I'm so proud to say we raised £1101.62! This is our tenth year and it just keeps getting bigger and better! And our house is only so big! :P_

_So, I'm very sorry and I hope this chapter makes up for the wait :)_

* * *

Although I had all the time in the world, the next few weeks were evidence to prove how time wouldn't be immeasurable until _after_ my change.

Exams fluttered past. With as much hope as I could muster, I plunged myself head first. All of my time was spent revising with Edward because he was the best tutor I could ask for. He knew _everything, _was extremely patient with me and gave me kisses to encourage me to do more. I wanted to do well, as a human. I wanted to see what _I _could do.

Renée called, almost in tears and giving her sincerest of apologies that she couldn't attend graduation. I could hear the emotion in her voice, the way it crackled. Although Renée actually hadn't told me she'd come and her arrival was meant as a surprise, I knew she still felt like a let-down. But what could she do? Phil needed her care since he'd broken his leg.

I was unsure whether to be disappointed or relieved; I'd lost precious time which I could have spent with my mother, but also I wouldn't have to say goodbye again – that part was _too _, without even really knowing or deciding, the whole "surprise that never happened" had worked out for the best.

In comparison to Angela's long list of graduation invites, I'd sent out two: Renée (and Phil) and Jacob. Charlie didn't need an invite; that much was obvious.

After helping Angela, I'd told Charlie about having dinner with Edward and his family after graduating. Charlie seemed confused at first, but agreed nonetheless. I got the impression he was reluctant to face Edward's parents – he didn't agree with what they'd put me through, although Edward had (and still did) taken the majority of that blame.

When Charlie mentioned getting there, however, he completely flipped out when I said I was travelling with Edward. "Bella, as your father, I understand you're growing up. You want to do things, go places, I _get _that. But when a father can't take his daughter to graduation, something's wrong." And so the plans changed so Charlie was driving me to graduation.

I groaned inwardly as I stared into my wardrobe. How was it that I had nothing to wear? Only yesterday had I stained the blue blouse that would perfectly match my khaki skirt.

I received a text at that moment, telling me to 'look under my bed', from Alice. I did, to find a pretty blue skirt and a sweater that I threw on with as much effort as it took me to breathe. I found myself getting nervous; ripples and surges of nerves that crept upon me like the highest wave, crashing around me every minute.

"Bells, we're gonna be late!" Charlie called, frustration tainting his voice. It seemed Charlie was as nervous as I.

"Give me a minute!" I snapped back.

"Are you okay?"

"Just nervous," I admitted, throwing myself a glance in the mirror. I looked… okay. I could have looked better.

I spotted my tablets on the bedside table and grimaced. I'd forgotten to take one today so I threw one to the back of my throat and forced myself to swallow as I made my way outside.

Charlie was waiting in the living room, pacing and sighing impatiently.

"You look nice," he said awkwardly. "New?"

"Yeah," I said breathily, my emotions knocking my breath from me.

"It's nice… it's nice." He paused for a moment, looking around. He grabbed the camera that was waiting on the coffee table and pulled me out of the house.

Edward had understood when I'd told him what Charlie had said. Much like I was often repeating to myself nowadays, I told him I didn't have much time with Charlie. In fact, within the month, I'd be in England. I didn't want to be nineteen before my change.

The engine started, it's rattling as unsteady as Charlie and my breaths combined.

"Bells, I just wanna say I'm dead proud of you. You've done fantastic. My baby girl…" He paused and I wondered if he'd continue. Just like when I'd been discharged from hospital, it was as if Charlie felt obliged to tell me. Maybe, if Charlie kept repeating such optimisms, I'd start to believe them. I knew it was hard for him to deal with. "All grown up. Really pulled yourself back up again."

"Couldn't have done it without you, dad."

"You excited? This is a big deal!"

"Not really." I sighed. If I didn't know that later this evening I'd be telling Charlie about England, I probably would have been a little more enthusiastic. But the knowledge hung over me, compressing me together and weighing heavily.

When Charlie pulled into the school parking lot, Edward was waiting for us. He helped me out of the car and smiled politely at Charlie who was frowning at the two of us.

"Good Luck, Bells!" Charlie waved, looking around for the sign. Edward and I had to head through the back of the gym. I noticed Esme sheepishly approach Charlie, offering someone to sit with.

Once inside, chaos seemed to be everywhere. People squealed with excitement, jumping and bounding about like over-enthusiastic puppies as they greeted friends and made soppy conversation with people who they'd hardly spoken to before.

Two people came over to wish me luck; one of them I recognised as the person who'd shouted insults to me in the corridor and the other I didn't recognise at all.

Jessica seemed to spark a sudden friendship with me, rambling on and on to Edward and I about how compatible we were, how she wished us luck for the future and how she couldn't believe it was finally the end. I didn't listen to her. Instead, I focused on the pounding of my heart that echoed loudly in my ears, drowning everybody else out. Everyone except Edward, of course, who muttered comforts into my ear and held onto my hand.

But then he had to disappear, rushing away to stand with his section of the alphabet. I was left alone with Jessica's wrathful ramblings about the end of the school year. Again, I blocked her out easily.

Time flew. In all of our educational lives, we'd been leading up to this one moment. Years and years of studying for this moment… and it passed in a single blink. Speeches were given, names were called, and tears were shed.

When my name was called, I stumbled forwards. I felt people watching me amongst the long line of people, turning around consciously to see Charlie clapping like a mad man. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jacob standing at the back of the hall. His large build and russet skin made him stand out against the rest. My friend had come.

My eyes were fixed on him as the yellow hats flooded around me. I didn't remove my own until they'd all settled on the floor at my feet.

"I can't believe it's all over," I mumbled to myself, to Jessica, to anyone who could hear. Naturally, Edward did. He was at my side in a heartbeat, kissing me congratulations as the shouts and cheers continued to erupt from all directions.

"Jacob's here," he whispered into my ear. I could only nod. "He wants to talk to you."

"Hmm," was the only thing I said as I untangled myself from Edward's arms, smiling at him weakly and making my way to the back of the room. I ignored the calls from my fellow classmates – I didn't want to talk to them. Half of them had ignored me since my hospitalisation. Jacob hadn't. Jacob had been there, hoping to help me. I was ashamed it'd taken me so long to see the good he'd wanted to do.

"Congratulations." His voice was dry.

"You came," I whispered awkwardly, standing in front of him.

"I got an invite. Thought I should. I don't know when you're… _leaving._"

"I'm telling Charlie tonight." I tried to ignore his question.

"I wouldn't have told him. I meant what I said, Bella, on that phone message. You'll be dead. I could kill you now and you'd be better off."

"Don't." I shook my head weakly, wanting to stop these evil words from spilling from his mouth. Did he know how much they haunted me?

"Don't what? Don't tell you the truth?"

"Stop talking."

"Can we go outside?"

"Charlie'll wonder where I am…"

"And Edward? You mean Edward will throw a hissy fit?"

"He trusts me."

"He doesn't trust _me_."

"_I_ trust you."

Jacob's eyes widened. "Even after I phased right in front of you?" Jacob let out a sound; half laugh, half choke. "I could have scarred you, Bella. It's happened before. I _am _dangerous."

"You're a protector, Jacob. We've been through this."

"I'm too late to save you." He put his hand on my arm, directing me out of the door. I saw Edward watching us but I couldn't go over to him yet. I needed to hear Jacob out. He postioned us out in the parking lot.

"Don't do it, Bella. Stay, have a life. For me, for Charlie, for you."

"Jacob, if you're gonna repeat the same things…"

"But you aren't listening to me!" His expression was of pure fury.

"I heard every word, Jacob!" I screamed back, my voice echoing around me. I could hear the loud chatter and cheers from the gym; no body would hear me, thankfully. "I heard you say I'd be better off _dead_. I heard you when you told me I was marrying a monster. I heard you loud and freakin' clear, Jacob Black, when you insulted every choice I made and told me I was doing you a favour by killing myself. I heard every single word," I spat, anger fuelling me.

"What about the part when I said I wanted to save you? What about when I said I loved you? What about _that _part, eh, Bella?"

I couldn't speak. My heart was forever increasing. I feared it'd just stop from over-working, having beaten so furiously for the past hour.

"You said you _think_?" I said quietly.

"Yeah, well, I've thought some more since then. I love you. I just can't think straight when I'm around you - and to know… to know what you're planning to do. Bella, it'll be in my nature to _kill _you."

"You wouldn't."

"I'd have to."

"Jacob, what about imprints? Imprinting? You haven't. Have you? You'll find someone. You don't even know me properly."

"I know enough," he said weakly. "I know how I feel; don't patronise me."

"Jacob, Jake, sure, I love you, too." My heart ached when I saw the hope flash across his face. "But as a brother, a friend, the very bestest friend. You're family."

"You haven't even given yourself chance to feel anything." He took a step closer to me. I could feel his heat radiating from his skin, his breath that washed over my face. "Give yourself a chance to feel something."

I shook my head slowly, a tear trickling down my cheek. With each word I was saying, Jacob was more and more falling apart. "I'm in love with Edward. Jacob, I'm sorry."

I reached out to comfort him but he shrugged off my touch. Instead, in as much time as it took me to blink my wet lashes, Jacob's mouth was on mine. The invasion was too intense. My fists pummelled his skin, any part of him that I could hammer.

And then he was gone. The heat of his mouth was lost, replaced with the cool air of the evening. I saw Jacob's body thrown across the lot, inches from colliding with a parked car. His body was shaking violently, despite his deep breaths that he tried to calm himself with. Edward, standing in front of me, had torn him away from me.

"Don't _ever _violate her like that again." I could hear the venom in his mouth, the anger. His muscles rippled in his arms, I watched them flex with anger in preparation for the possible fight that was about to break out.

But it couldn't happen over me.

I threw myself in front of Edward, standing on tip toes to meet his gaze. Those eyes, usually so full of love and admiration, were so dark and strong with hatred.

"Edward," I whispered, trying to get his attention. "Please, no. Don't. Don't hurt him. He's already hurting so much."

"He hurt you." His voice was merely a croak as his gentle fingers traced my cheek bone.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. Just don't."

"You're mine."

"I am. I'm completely yours. I always will be."

I tried to calm him down. Slowly but surely, my words eased Edward's fixed expression. When I was sure Edward wasn't going to pounce, I turned to see Jacob. He was standing across the lot; shoulders square with his legs apart and face set.

"Jacob, please."

"Let me know if you change your mind, Bella."

Jacob turned and ran away, disappearing in the shadows of the night and the aching of my heart. I did love Jacob – I loved his caring side, his sarcasm and wit. I loved his warmth and determination to protect. But I wasn't in love with him. There wasn't an all consuming fiery passion that engulfed me like with Edward. There wasn't that sense of certainty, assurance and love I felt with Edward.

Jacob just wasn't Edward.

"Charlie's looking for you," Edward whispered from behind me. I turned to look at him, feeling my tear stained cheeks as I pressed my body against him. "Alice kept him talking."

"I'll go see him."

I walked away from Edward, leaving him in the parking lot. I felt him follow me inside but I didn't turn to look at him as I made my way across to Charlie.

The cheers I heard outside were only intensified as I walked indoors. Families were cramped in the gym, each bustling with smiles and tears of pride and joy. I made Charlie out straight away.

"Congratulations, baby girl!" he called over the crowd, pulling me in for a quick awkward hug and eyeing Edward suspiciously as he pulled away from me.

"What's up with him?" he stage-whispered into my ear. I turned to look at Edward; I saw through the fake smile he offered the two of us before he turned away and headed in the direction of Carlisle and Esme.

"Nothing."

"You saw Jacob? He stood at the back so I wasn't sure if you could."

"At Jacob's size, I could see him anywhere."

"Nice of him to come."

"Hmm."

"What's wrong?"

"We fell out again."

Charlie rolled his eyes, taking my hand. Even this announcement couldn't shake Charlie's grin. He was so full of pride it embarrassed me. I wasn't worthy of such feelings; very soon, I'd be telling him a lie.

"When are we going for dinner? I'm starving!" He smiled wickedly, giving me a wink. "Wouldn't mind a beer, too."

"I'll go find Edward."

I pushed my way through the crowd but I came to Angela first. She grinned at me widely, throwing her arms around me and cheering her congratulations at me, as I did with her.

"I can't believe we're done!" she exclaimed. Her eyes seemed reddish around the edges, as if she'd been crying. "This is goodbye!"

"We'll stay in touch!" I assured. "I'll see you before I leave." My eyes scanned sideways to where Charlie was talking animatedly with Angela's father. "We're telling our parents tonight."

Angela's face gave me a sad smile. "Good luck!"

"Thanks. I'll let you know how it goes." I grimaced, thinking of so many ways it could go wrong.

"Okay. I best get back to my mom. She's going crazy." We laughed before I gave her a wave goodbye, pushing myself further through the crowd to find Edward.

Charlie followed behind me, after saying goodbye to Reverend Weber, as I came to Edward who was talking to Esme. Carlisle was talking to Alice; he kept hugging her and smiling at her widely. Esme kept fiddling with Edward's shirt, and attempting to do his hair. They were definitely playing their parts well.

"Are you ready?" Edward asked, aiming his question at both Esme and Carlisle, and Charlie and me.

Everyone nodded and so we made our way to our cars. Edward got into the back of Carlisle's Mercedes; I found it rather amusing seeing him bundled up in the back seat with Alice.

As we followed them in the car, I saw Charlie's white knuckles squeezing the steering wheel. He coughed lightly. I raised my hand, bringing my finger to trail against the scorching heat I still felt on my lips. Like before, when Jacob had pressed his lips against my forehead, the violation felt incredible.

"You okay, Bells?" Charlie was watching me out of the corner of his eye.

"Hmm."

"What's the matter?"

"I'm fine."

I saw Charlie frown and his eyes dropped to where my finger was tracing my lips. I felt tears spark in my eyes; even though I had no control over the kiss, I still felt like I'd betrayed Edward.

"No, you aren't. Don't lie to me. Is it Jacob?"

"He had something to do with it," I mumbled bitterly, turning to face out of the window.

"What happened?"

I turned to face him, dropping my hand into my lap. "He kissed me." Even I heard the venom in my own voice.

Charlie spluttered, sounding similar to the rattling cough of my engine, as he slowed down the speed in which he was driving.

"He _kissed _you? What do you mean? Did you _want _him to kiss you?"

"No!"

"He _kissed _you. Without your consent," he repeated. I didn't say anything, just continued to stare out of the window and the passing trees. We'd be at the Cullen's house soon. "That's why Edward looked so angry?"

"Yeah."

"What did you do? Throw him a punch?"

"I tried," I mumbled and Charlie let out a bark of a laugh. "Edward threw him off me."

"Edward _saw _it?"

That hadn't occurred to me. I hadn't actually thought of Edward watching Jacob crush his lips to mine. I'd just assumed he'd pushed Jacob off and that was it. But of course Edward had been close by, watching and waiting for something to go wrong. No wonder he looked so furious; I would have been, had someone been throwing themselves at Edward.

"By the look of Edward, I'm surprised Jacob is still alive."

"I told them not to fight. Jacob left, then."

"Wow, Bells. I mean, I knew Jacob liked you. Never stopped talking about you, actually, but I didn't think he'd force himself on you. You should hit him next time – you know how to throw a punch, right?"

I rolled my eyes and remained silent for the following minutes until Charlie pulled into the Cullen house.

In those several moments when the engine of the car stalled, a hundred thoughts passed through my mind. I thought, in that second, this is what it must be like for Edward – to have so many contradicting voices in my head at once, shouting things and conjuring images of possibilities.

I saw the past; my mind gave me glimpses of the summers I'd spent here in Forks with Charlie, reluctantly leaving my mother and spending two weeks. At the time, I'd not really wanted to come. It was why I'd eventually stopped. Why? Why hadn't I come? It was now, when time was short, the timer ticking so loudly in my mind, that I regretted my younger years. I'd wasted time with Charlie. I'd taken him for granted.

I wondered how my announcement would affect him. In so many ways, I found living with Charlie easier. I loved Renée and Charlie equally, but the thought of leaving Charlie… the idea of saying goodbye to him forever… it was shattering. Only Edward would be able to glue those pieces back together. As I'd said to Edward, I could live without Charlie, but not without him.

I glanced sideways as I walked those few steps into the house. After dinner, during dinner, I didn't know yet when I'd tell him. Edward, sensing the apprehension and terror that was rippling inside of me, came over and placed a comforting kiss on my forehead.

I begged him with my eyes to kiss my lips, despite our parents watching our encounter. I felt the cold against my burning lips. If I smelt of dog, Edward said nothing. He just eased the heat and comforted me in so many ways with a single gesture.

Esme invited us all inside. Alice rushed upstairs; I saw her through the open door as jumped around in excitement, waving her diploma at Jasper who was waiting for her. I'd already known Jasper wasn't going to the graduation. Despite everyone's assurances, he told us he didn't trust himself in a room full of humans.

"Come in! It's cold outside," she enthused when we made no attempt to move indoors.

Sheepishly, I walked inside. Charlie looked awkward and I couldn't even explain the nerves that flooded me. I tried to think of every possible option that could happen.

Edward gave my hand a light squeeze and Esme announced that dinner would be around fifteen minutes. And so I waited, breathing shakily, as I prepared myself to break the news to Charlie that I'd be leaving.

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_Again, I'm sorry for the wait :)_

_Please review?_

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	28. Chapter 28

_I worked freakin' hard with this chapter! I couldn't leave you for long with that cliff hanger. We've also hit 200 reviews - which is really great! Hope you like it ;)_

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I could feel the tension in the atmosphere. Unaware whether it was me, personally, or everyone felt it, I kept my feelings to myself and continued to make small talk with Carlisle about some of the people at school.

Esme was still occupied in the kitchen and I stood up, excusing myself and went to ask if she needed any help. The food was cooking, a yummy looking roast with potatoes and vegetables. I could smell the meat finishing off in the oven.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"I came to ask if you wanted any help."

Esme grinned. "You're probably better at this than I am." She gave me a crafty wink. "I'm nearly done, don't worry. Are you hungry?"

"A little." I shrugged. "Sorry about this. I'm sure Charlie won't notice if you don't eat much…"

"We're more than happy to do it for you." Esme had a way with words that made me simply accept what she was saying. I nodded, smiling, as she bent down to pull the meat out of the oven. "I've been practicing my shocked face," she whispered, taking a knife out of a drawer.

Under Esme's instructions, I took the potatoes and vegetables and placed them in the china bowls that looked brand new.

The dining table was already set, and had been by Rosalie during graduation; it looked wonderful. The plates were golden and there were three candles in the centre of the table. Cutlery and glasses were already out, looking a little overly fancy. I doubt Charlie would even appreciate it.

"Dinner's ready!" Esme called.

Carlisle, Edward and Charlie all came into the dining room in order, sitting down at the table. I sat between Edward and Charlie, with Esme next to Edward. Charlie and Carlisle were finishing up the conversation from the other room that I'd obviously missed.

I took the opportunity to talk to Edward, our hands entwined on my lap as I tried to feed myself with one hand. As long as I didn't spill my dinner down myself, I'd manage.

"Are you okay?" Edward whispered.

"I'm okay." I paused, glancing over to Charlie who was laughing loudly as Esme handed him a can of beer. "I'm really sorry."

Edward understood what I meant. "You can't apologise for Jacob Black's actions."

"Did you see it?"

"Yes."

"I didn't kiss him, I promise."

Edward's hand squeezed my hand gently, moving our fingers so they entwined. "Bella, I believe you. It's okay." His voice was barely audible. I was sure that Carlisle and Esme could hear us, but they were talking animatedly to Charlie about how proud they were.

"What did you think, when you saw?"

"I didn't think, really, until afterwards. I acted first. I yanked him off you. I had to. Did I hurt you?"

"No. I was scared you were going to kill him."

"I wanted to."

"He makes me so angry. But… I feel sorry for him. He hates what he is."

I heard that fainted growl sound from Edward's chest. He'd hardly eaten anything but Charlie was oblivious. He kept helping himself to seconds, like Esme had insisted. I liked how he'd fit in better than I'd expected him to.

"I hate what I am, Bella. It's not an excuse."

"I know, I know." It was all he could say. I didn't know how else to argue, to explain. "I love you," I reminded him and he squeezed my hand again.

"I love you, too."

I finished my dinner, only eating a small amount. Both Carlisle and Edward gave me a look, one that strongly said; _is that all? _I shrugged off their concern. I couldn't eat another bite with this bunch of nerves that were gnawing in the pit of my stomach. If I did eat another bite, I'd probably only throw it all back up again.

Esme and I cleared away the dinner plates and she brought out dessert. The large luscious chocolate cake that Esme placed in the middle of the table made Charlie's eyes bulge. I felt physically sick at the sight of it but Edward took a large slice and ate it with amusing grace.

When we'd all finished, Carlisle stood and we followed him into the living room. My stomach plunged. I felt my heart in my stomach, my head felt out of my body.

"Esme, could you, err, leave the dishes?" Edward said quietly.

Esme frowned, playing her part. "Okay."

Carlisle and Esme sat on the sofa, arms touching as they sat so close to each other. Charlie occupied the arm chair, can of beer still in his hand that he'd carried through with him. Holding hands, Edward and I stood in front of the turned off television.

"Bella and I have something to tell you."

The words were barely out of Edward's mouth when Charlie spat out his beer. It actually sprayed out of his mouth, which he instantly apologised as he wiped it off the sofa with his sleeve. He placed his can on the coffee table. Words couldn't describe his expression - horror? fury? disbelief?

"She's pregnant?" he spat. "What have you done to her?"

My cheeks burned intensely at Charlie's assumption; I felt the blood rush there in embarrassment, my insides twisting with mortification. Carlisle's mouth dropped open in shock.

"What? Dad, no!"

"No?"

"I assure you, Bella is _not_ pregnant."

Charlie took deep breaths, straightening his shirt and shuffling in his seat. He looked ashamed of himself, mumbling apologies over and over, glancing awkwardly at Esme and Carlisle who still looked a little surprised.

"Sorry," he said louder.

"It's fine. Dad, honestly."

"But you're being safe?"

I visibly cringed. My hands rushed up to hide my face and I turned to bury myself in Edward's chest. I couldn't have this conversation. Was Charlie seriously trying to talk to me about _sex, _in front of Edward, Carlisle and Esme?

"Dad, I…" I was completely speechless.

Esme tried to come to my aid. "Charlie, I'm sure-"

"You aren't b-"

"Ugh!" I exclaimed, turning round to face him, throwing my hands in the air in exasperation. "Oh, my god. I can't believe you're making me say this... but I'm a virgin, okay?"

Charlie's face turned the colour of a tomato in the space of a second. Edward beside me chuckled with the deepest sense of amusement as I buried myself back into his chest. I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself and rid myself of this burning humiliation I felt pouring through my veins. Edward's hand was in my hair, massaging some kind of calmness into me.

I felt his body move beside me and his head came down to my level. I looked up and Charlie had gone. Confused, I frowned, looking around.

"Where's he-"

"To the bathroom," Edward explained. "When he comes back, we'll tell him? Are you okay?"

"I can't believe he made me say that." My cheeks burned again.

"It's okay." Edward smirked. "He'll be back in a moment. Are you ready?"

He pressed a kiss against my forehead, and then my lips. Wrapping his arm around me, we stood side by side, waiting for Charlie to come back. Esme smiled warmly at me in encouragement. Charlie coughed as he came back down the stairs, his face still red with embarrassment. He took his seat, taking his can of beer again and gulped down the remainder of the liquid.

"So what is it you've got to tell us?" Carlisle asked, frowning.

"Edward and I…" I moved my hand between us, pointing to the two of us to give me some time. I gulped back. "We're… we're-"

"Bella and I are going to Oxford University in England to study."

Esme's mouth opened in pretend shock, just as Charlie frowned with the utmost confusion. Carlisle remained as he was, seemingly choking over the words that he couldn't quite say.

"What?"

"But, honey, I didn't even know you'd applied there!" Esme gasped; her eyes wide. It amazed me at how skilled they really were; _I_ believed them.

"Me either!" Charlie's face said it all; he was trying to calculate in his mind what was happening, place what I was telling him into a practical scenario. I saw him working it out, imagining me as I packed up my things and said goodbye to him at the airport. He started whispered incoherent words. "I… couldn't… can't… even _think…_!"

"We didn't want to tell you," I tried to defend. "The chances of us getting in were almost impossible. It's a huge thing. We didn't want to get your hopes up."

"Get my _hopes _up? Bella, you'll be half way across the world!"

"It's a once in the life time opportunity. How could we turn it down?"

Charlie's face morphed from disbelieving shock to anger. His eyes, jumping from Esme, Carlisle and me, came to rest on Edward. I dreaded to think what obscenities were being screamed at Edward in Charlie's mind.

"_We?_" Charlie spat, his arms being flung in the air with anger. "How can you do this, Bella? How do you know he's not going to leave you again, when I'm not there to help?"

I closed my eyes, trying to stop this scene from playing in front of me. If I couldn't see it, maybe it wouldn't be there. Beside me, Edward seemed to have frozen. Opening my eyes slowly to see if Edward was okay at his comment, I saw the look of horror and shame plastered across Esme's face.

"Now, Charlie, that's not Edward's fault-"

But Charlie interrupted her. "Of course it is! He just left. No phone calls, no letters; gone, like that!" He snapped his fingers together. The sound it make echoed before getting lost amongst the heavy breathing and frantic pants.

"It was my work that insisted we moved, Charlie," Carlisle attempted to say but, again, Charlie pushed it away.

"Bells, you're my little girl. What do you want with going across the other side of the world? Washington University is plenty good enough."

A small tear fell from my eyes, triggering many more that flooded from my ducts and slid off the end of my nose effortlessly.

"Dad, please just me happy for me." I could hardly speak. But what was I expecting? Deep down, I'd hoped he would have jumped for joy, praising my hard work and how proud he was of me. I knew his anger was only substitute for the emotion he was so scared to portray, but it still sent an ache through my body.

"I'm pleased, I am." I wasn't convinced. "But do you know what you're doing? How are you gonna pay for it?"

"Edward said…"

"Charlie, I was left a lot of money when my parents died. It will happily see both Bella and me through our studies," Edward explained.

"Son, your mother and I will assist in any way we can."

Upon Carlisle's generous offer, Charlie's eyes flitted across to them. His face showed so many emotions; the main one, now, being shame. He looked from Edwards' parents to Edward and I standing there; I was holding onto him so tight for encouragement and support.

Slowly, he pulled me over to the other armchair where he sat down and pulled me onto his knee. It felt strange sitting like this with Charlie in the room, but he was too far gone to even realise. He seemed trapped in his own mind.

Nobody said anything for a long time - I didn't know whether I preferred the argument or the silence; with silence, there was room for my own eroding thoughts to take over – until Esme spoke.

"When does term start?"

"September," Edward answered. "But Bella and I were thinking of heading out in the middle of August, to give us enough time to settle in before we have to start."

My eyes were fixed on Charlie. I was watching every movement he made.

"Middle of August? But that's only a month away…"

I could only nod. Edward's hand rested comfortably at the bottom of my back, rubbing soothing circles there. I kept reminding myself why I was doing it; my eternity with Edward would be worth it in the end.

"So we can set up, get settled," Edward continued to explain.

"Where will you stay?" Carlisle asked.

"Possibly in one of the dorms. But, if not, we could perhaps rent a house or apartment."

"You two are not living together," Charlie snapped, looking up from his seat.

"Why n-"

"You are not living together."

"Dad, I've already told you. Things aren't like that!"

"It's not happening, Bells."

"Well, I'm eighteen! I can do what I want. If I want to live with Edward, then I will."

Charlie seemed stumped with my answer. I hated that I'd lost my temper with him, when I only had limited time. But I'd already assured him of my virginity; what more did he want - to send me off to England with a chastity belt?

"Does Renée know? Have you told your mom?"

"Not yet. We've only just told you."

"You two should be very happy for yourselves. It's a huge thing, being accepted into Oxford. An old colleague of mine is a professor there."

"Oh?" I said, trying to divert the topic of conversation.

"Perhaps I'll have a word with him; have him keep an eye on you two." Carlisle said it jokingly, but Charlie nodded in agreement, perfectly serious.

I wondered what he was thinking; I'd have to ask Edward later but, even then, I doubted Edward would give me the complete truth. He'd try and give me the basic outline, not wanting the truth to hurt me.

"Well, honey, I'm very proud of you both!" Esme pushed herself up off the sofa, coming over to us to wrap her arms around me, kiss my cheek, before doing the same to Edward. "You both must have been _fantastic _to get into Oxford. I'm a little disappointed you never warned us, but… I can understand. You don't want your mother knowing everything nowadays!"

Edward chuckled softly.

"So, shall we crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate? I think that's in order, don't you?" Grinning widely, Esme disappeared through the kitchen door. I heard the opening of a drawer.

I looked across at Charlie, getting off of Edward's knee so Carlisle could congratulate him.

"Hey." I gave him a half-shrug, half-smile. "At least I'm not pregnant," I joked, giving a feeble laugh to try and lighten the mood. Thankfully, Esme was trying.

"Thank God. I'd have to kill him." Charlie grinned - it was all I needed to know I was off the hook – finally, I could take a deep, relieved breath. "I just can't believe it. Bit of a shock, I guess."

I went over to sit on the arm of the chair, trying to block out the rest of them. I vaguely heard Carlisle call something into Esme, but I didn't hear what.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. I was being selfish, that's all. No dad wants to see their little girl grow up, let alone when they do it half way across the world. I'm not gonna see you much and I only just got you back."

"I'm really sorry," I tried to apologise, feeling the tears well up in my eyes, but Charlie held up his hand, silencing me.

Giving me a half armed hug, he said, "Don't apologise, Bells. Go do what you want to do, and be as good as I know you can be. Just keep in touch, call me and let me know you're already, don't forget me, alright. I could live with that... and you'll be back in no time."

A lump in my throat was suddenly formed. What did I reply to that? I wasn't coming back. I was leaving for university and staying away... forever. I would be getting married without Charlie to walk me down the aisle. How could I promise to return when I knew I never would?

"Couldn't forget you, Dad," was all I could manage. It was the only promise I could make; I would never forget him.

"I'm proud of you. God, what a night! First graduation, then Oxford. I guess I've just gotta remember you aren't a little girl anymore, Bells."

I tried to smile. As a tear fell down my cheek, Charlie coughed gruffly and gave me a playful nudge. I realised Edward and Carlisle had left the room, so I called out to Edward, letting him know it was safe to return.

Esme came back through with a tray of five glasses and a large bottle of champagne. It looked expensive, of course. Charlie didn't seem to care that I was drinking as he thrust his hand out with as much etiquette as he could, throwing back the first glass in seconds. I almost burst into laughter when I saw Edward screw up his face in disgust after tasting the liquid when Charlie had his back turned. He threw me a wink and tipped the rest of his glass into mine.

It seemed Charlie's views had swiftly changed. It was either the conversation we'd had which had loosened him up a little, that he'd become more familiar with the idea, or the alcohol had provided him with a mental block from the idea in total.

But Carlisle continued to ask questions that we'd rehearsed. We'd figured, as a family, that I'd rather have these questions asked in a controlled environment when Edward was able to jump to my rescue, rather than have Charlie quiz me on the way home, or late one night next week in private.

"What have you decided to study? I know Edward was looking at medicine…" Carlisle said.

"I'm doing English Literature. Me and Edward thought it'd be perfect for me." I grinned widely as Charlie nodded his head in agreement. With his gradual consent, I felt myself becoming lighter and lighter. If Charlie wasn't kicking and screaming like a child about my departure, maybe it'd be that little bit easier.

"I've taken Human sciences." Carlisle beamed. "I want to become a doctor, eventually."

Again, Charlie nodded in agreement. "Can't go wrong there, Edward. With brains like yours, you'll be top of the league. That's good! You need to provide for my Bells."

With the several glasses of champagne that Charlie had consumed, not to mention the cans he'd already drunk, it seemed he'd lost his filter. He wasn't drunk, thankfully. I think after so many years of drinking he'd built a resistance to it, but at least he'd lost his self-consciousness.

"My girl, in _Oxford!_

"We'll be okay, won't we?" I said to Edward, squeezing his hand. We were sitting back on the armchair.

"We'll be fine."

It wasn't long before I stood up and said it was about time for us to leave. It was getting late, darkness of night was completely upon us, and I didn't fancy the drive home. Charlie, having drunk, could not drive. As if noticing my uneasiness, Edward kindly offered to drive Charlie and I home in the cruiser so Charlie had it for work tomorrow morning. Thankfully, Charlie didn't ask about how Edward would be returning home.

I sat in the back as we drove home, after thanking Carlisle and Esme profusely for their hospitality and I quietly thanked them, also, for their help this evening. The drive was mainly silent, although Edward did mention plans for tomorrow.

When Edward dropped us off at the house, Charlie stumbled inside. He seemed generally steady on his feet, just a little numb. He didn't notice Edward as he disappeared through my bedroom window.

The door closed and I went into the kitchen for a glass of water. After taking a sip, I headed back out and made for the stairs.

"Just come sit here for a second, Bells."

I turned around to see Charlie sitting on the sofa, looking a little flushed as he called me over. I went to sit beside him.

"It's okay. I'm not gonna ask you about… sex." I shuddered at the thought. "No, I want to ask you something."

"Okay…"

"Are you sure about this, Bells? I mean, England is a long way away. This is a _big_ thing."

"I'm positive."

"Okay." He paused and let out a heavy sigh. "I _am _proud of you, Bella, and I'm really pleased for you. Sure, I'd love it if you went to Washington instead, or if you just wanted to live with me for the rest of your life. I'd love it if you didn't want to go to England, or whatever. But I don't want that if you don't."

He paused again and I looked at him, confused. He wasn't really making much sense so I continued to stare at him, hoping he'd elaborate.

"You know, Bells, I've already lost you once. When you were at the hospital, you were so lifeless, you were almost dead. I just want you to be happy, Bells. Whether you're living in Forks, California, or England – I just want you happy. I can deal with the rest."

"Thank you," I said, my voice croaking with the wet tears that were caught in my throat. I tried to gulp them back but I couldn't.

Standing up, I kissed Charlie's cheek and said my goodnights. As I headed upstairs to where Edward was waiting for me, I thought of what Charlie had said.

He'd told me he could deal with whatever would make me happy. Although I wouldn't tell him, he'd basically told me he accepted my choices. With this realisation, that Charlie was okay with what I was doing, I felt a weight lift from me. He just wanted me to be happy – and that is exactly what I was planning on doing.

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	29. Chapter 29

_Okay, first of all, thanks to all of you who keep reviewing! I'm not lying when I say it's your comments that help me put time aside to keep writing. I'm just very busy at the moment. _

_Secondly, I've worked out how long is left of this story. I'm not sure whether I'm pleased or not - but the story has about 3 more chapters left (and possibly an epilogue) I'm already amazed how long it is and I'm really proud of it :)_

_There's something in this chapter that you might not all agree on but something that I thought about, really weighed up in my mind, asked for a second opinion and then decided to put it in. I hope you like it, too :)_

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It had taken a whole week to pass before my ingenious idea was sprung into my head. With a quarter of my remaining time disappearing in puffs of smoke, I realised I should act very soon for fear of losing it altogether.

It scared me, in some respects, for the foundations of time to be so suddenly slipping away. It would scare me more if I dreaded where I was going - however, I was going to my heaven. I couldn't enforce that into my mind enough. When I struggled with the realisation I'd soon be gone, I couldn't repeat it to myself enough.

Edward was lying on my bed when I came back from having a shower. I'd forgotten to take clothes into the bathroom with me, so shuffled back into my bedroom with a towel wrapped around my body, wet hair dripping down my bare back.

My cheeks burned as walked back into my room, half dressed, wet footprints and skid marks on the floor where I'd almost lost my footing on the soapy slippiness, but Edward didn't even look up at me. Instead, his eyes were intently fixed on the small bottle in his hands.

I almost dropped the towel.

"What are yo-" I began before stopping short. Edward's face was a mixture of torment, flicking from one emotion to the other in spurts of distress and uncertainty. I knew that face. In fact, I knew it very well. Seeing it brought back a lot of memorable emotions, the main one being frustration.

"How many do you take a day?"

"Just two," I said wearily, taking a few steps over to the bed. I'd almost completely forgotten about my minimal attire.

"_Just _two? Bella, an eighteen year old shouldn't be on antidepressants."

"Are you really going back into this?" I snapped, snatching the bottle away from him. "It's been months now. Don't go back there. We're moving forward."

"I just saw them… and it shouldn't be like this."

"You're right. It shouldn't. But it is. So we deal with it. Now stop being 'sulky Edward' and smile." I gave him an example of my very own, toothy grin. "I like you better when you smile."

I leaned forwards to press a kiss to Edward's lips, feeling happiness spread through me when I felt his lips curve.

"You're not dressed."

"Oh, well spotted. I thought you were supposed to be good at seeing?"

"You look utterly irresistible."

"Yet resistible enough not to have sex with until after the wedding that still doesn't have a date… hmmm…." I brought my hand to my wet hair to scratch dramatically, as if deep in thought. I grinned widely as I stood up but Edward pulled me back onto the bed.

"If you were durable…"

"Is it going to be rough, Edward?" I grinned wickedly, my eyes sparkling with amusement. I couldn't imagine Edward being rough, only gentle and loving, each touch as if I were going to disappear or my skin crumble into a pile of delicate remains.

"It's going to be all you want and more."

My smile widened. "Good," I said cheerfully, making a move to stand up. I was beginning to get chilly as I grabbed some clothes out of the wardrobe and turning my back.

I was going to return to the bathroom but I thought now would be a great time to try and give myself some of the confidence I'd need to pursue the relationship I wanted with Edward. Drying myself thoroughly, I pulled on some underwear and then dropped the towel completely. I made sure I was completely facing away from Edward; I couldn't see his reaction.

I pulled on my jeans, hopefully in a sexy manner (although I probably failed that particular part) and yanked on my tee-shirt. Turning around, I saw Edward's face – mouth slightly agape, eyes as dark as the coal I'd use to ignite the flame between us.

"What's wrong?" I said; my voice unusually light.

Edward's eyes narrowed. "You did that on purpose."

"Did what?"

Rushing over to me, Edward pushed his face against mine, inhaling the scent of me. I wondered how it was even bearable for Edward to be near me, especially when he inhaled, if my blood was so tempting for him. Of course, his eyes were already black.

"I think you should hunt…" I said quietly. If he hunted, it would mean the day would be spent alone.

"I don't have to."

"Oh, alright then, starve. Let me know when I can be of services," I said sarcastically, waving my wrist in front of his face.

"And if I bit now? What would you say then?" I loved how his face was so full of amusement; we seemed to have passed the stage where he got awkward when I made jokes about me being the meal. I liked the new-found comfort in our jesting.

"Nothing, I'd be too shocked." I chuckled lightly. "Now go. Shoo, away with you!"

"I'll call you later?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say."

Edward pulled me close, possessively and passionately, as he trailed his kisses from my jaw line right down to below my ear, close to my pulsing neck.

"It's rude to tease," I mumbled breathlessly as Edward shot me a crooked grin and disappeared out of the window.

I could still feel Edward's lips against my neck long after he'd gone. I found myself tracing where his cool lips had made contact with my skin. Would this be where Edward bit me? When he was changing me, would he prefer the neck, the wrist?

Where would _I _prefer? Now I'd thought about it, probably the neck. It seemed more personal, more passionate. It felt right to feel his lips there, to have him press gentle kisses against my flesh.

The idea sprung so quickly into my mind, I hardly had time to take a breath. It hit me in such a short space of time, it took me several moments recovery to realise it was an idea at all... that quickening feeling in the blood, that immense pride when I began to question _would this really work? _

Would I be able to surprise Edward? Once I had changed, the idea would be impossible to carry out… why not do it now?

The thing was, I couldn't do it alone nor could I ask for assistance from the Cullen family. Instead, killing two birds with one stone, I picked up my cell phone.

Dialling Angela's number, I reminded myself of the promise we'd made to see each other at least one last time before I jetted off to England. I grinned when Angela's answered the phone.

"Hey Angela, I was wondering, how are you with blood?"

"_Blood?_" Angela's tone suddenly turned worried. "Are you okay? Have you cut yourself?"

"Oh no, no, nothing like that. No, what are you doing today?"

"I was supposed to be meeting Ben this afternoon…"

"Oh okay, it's fine."

"What is it, Bella?"

"It's nothing. I just wondered if you fancied a trip into Port Angeles."

"Of course!" She sounded pleased of my invitation.

"But what about Ben?"

"What about him? He'll be there in a month – you'll be in England." I heard the sound of her grin down the phone. "But what's this got to do with blood?"

"I'll tell you on the way there."

"Do you want me to drive? I, erm, well, your truck…"

"Is as dead as a do-do." I sighed heavily. "If you don't mind…?"

"That's fine. Pick you up in half an hour?"

"That's great. See you then!"

I put the phone down and brushed my hair. I tried to towel dry the majority of it and then got the hair dryer out; I needed my hair to be down. After spending ten minutes with my hair, having the brown wave's pool around my shoulders, I grabbed my coat and my purse and went downstairs.

Whilst waiting for Angela, I sent a quick text to Edward: _Going shopping with Angela, wanted to spend some time with her for the last time. See you when I'm back. Bella, xxx_

I also sent one to Alice, whilst eating a banana, in fear she'd stalk me there: _No doubt you've already seen, but I'm going shopping with Angela. Don't take it personally. I don't want you in pain. Keep the secret for me! B x_

Soon after, Angela beeped the horn of her car and I hurried outside so I don't keep her waiting. The radio was already on and Angela had sunglasses holding the hair out of her face. It was wishful thinking, I'm sure.

I fastened my belt and greeted her as two text messages came through at once.

"You're popular." Angela grinned and set off on our way.

_Stay safe. I love you, xx_

_Humph. I'm holding it against yo... but I understand. _

Shoving my phone into my bag, I turned to Angela. She asked me about my truck and I told her briefly of the fall out – skipping the majority of the story – with Jacob and how Edward was paying for professionals to work on it.

Then Angela asked me how Charlie took the news. For the rest of the journey there, I filled Angela in on Charlie's reaction, how Carlisle and Esme took the news and what Edward and I were planning on doing. Although Angela seemed sad to be saying goodbye, she seemed happy for Edward and me and wished my luck.

Finally, we'd pulled up in the parking lot and were walking through the streets of Port Angeles, the wind bustling through our hairs as we shivered.

"So, what's with the blood thing?"

"I don't like blood," I said sheepishly as we came close to the shop I wanted to enter. "But I need someone to, er, well, hold my hand."

"Hold your hand?"

Confusion washed over Angela's face as I nodded and took her those final steps. Finally, we came to stand in front of the shop we'd been walking towards.

"You're getting a _tattoo_?" Her eyes were wide and mouth opened.

"What do you think?" I asked timidly. Was I making the right decision?

Once I was changed, nothing in the world would be able to mark my skin. It'd be so impenetrable that the needle wouldn't even pierce it, let alone stain it and I so wholly belonged to Edward I wanted to do this.

I didn't know Edward's thoughts on tattoos. Although they were a modern thing, it was something I was sure he'd accept and appreciate.

It'd, hopefully, be a surprise – if I could hide my neck (with use of scarves, collared shirts or my positioned hair) then maybe I'd surprise him.

"I think… that's not like Bella!" Angela was shocked; her whole body was riddled with uncertainty. I could see in her eyes the wariness and her mouth opened several times. "These are permanent, Bella," she said, stating the obvious.

Permanent was good. I was going into a permanent lifestyle. This would be the first step.

"I know."

"What are you going to have?"

Angela's eyes scanned the window displays that advertised every possible drawing, diagram, font and image you could think of. Some were huge, some were ugly; some I could appreciate for their cuteness, tiny hearts or symbols that held a deeper meaning.

"His name…"

"Edward's name?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Unless you want me to have Ben tattooed on my body?" I grinned sarcastically as Angela shook her head.

"I don't want to pry, Bella, but… this isn't going to rub off. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure you understand. What Edward and I have – it isn't just a high school thing."

Smiling in agreement, Angela and I stepped inside the shop. I could already taste the blood in the air. Its rusty scent was thick and heavy in the surroundings; would my views ever change? Would I soon begin to think of it as a sweet elixir?

"May I help you?"

I regarded the woman who came over to us carefully. Her body was decorated with many tattoo's, all rather overpowering and covering the majority of the skin she had on show.

"I'd like a tattoo," I said quietly.

The woman scoffed and she rolled her eyes, eyeing me up and down in one short glance before scrunching up her face.

"Well, you've come to the right place. What do you want?"

I tried to describe what I wanted; Edward's name in small script just below my ear, bordering on my neck. If my plan worked, Edward wouldn't see his name until he was about to change me. It'd be my last assurance to him that I was completely sure of the choice I was making.

The woman told Angela and I to wait for ten minutes. There were some things that needed to be done and needles that were still sterilising in the back room.

Angela looked around. I jokingly asked her if she wanted a tattoo of Ben's name but she told me her dad would hit the roof if she did.

When the woman was ready, Angela and I made our way through. She'd sketched the kind of thing I'd described but I wasn't quite happy with it. I wanted it smaller than she'd drawn, so the whole name was just smaller than the length of my index finger. The font was perfect; it was elegant and neat, exactly like Edward's penmanship.

And then the hard part came. The woman began and I heard the buzzing of the needle. Angela sat beside me, holding my hand as I had my eyes screwed closed as forcefully as I could. I tried not to breathe through my nose so I couldn't smell my salty blood. Ironic, really, that I was choosing to become a vampire and I couldn't stand the stuff.

It was over quicker than I thought it would be. The woman handed me something that I could apply to help soothe the skin. I paid up and Angela and I left the shop.

"I can't believe you did that!" Angela exclaimed when we were out in the open air. I wanted to touch it but I couldn't move my arms. I was shaking so badly! "I think we should grab something to eat…" she advised and I nodded in agreement.

The wind made my hair swirl around my neck, letting each gust attack my tender skin. Thankfully, we soon entered the first restaurant we came across.

Angela and I sat down to eat, both of us ordering as soon as we could. Although I kept subconsciously touching my neck where the words would forever be on my skin, the afternoon passed as quickly as everything did these days. In a whirlwind of spoken memories and ambitions, jokes and laughter, dinner was over and we moved onto the shops. Because the weather in England was apparently completely unreliable, I bought a selection of clothing with Angela's help (much to Alice's disappointment, as portrayed through a text).

Angela and I had chatted away the day and we were soon in Angela's car, returning home.

My plan was to keep Angela and Edward at a complete distance. Alice could control her thoughts but how odd would it be if I asked Angela not to think about the tattoo when around Edward? It just wouldn't work.

Also, I planned to keep some separation between Edward and I whilst I slept. When conscious, I could make good attempts at keeping my neck hidden from him. I didn't know how intently and closely Edward watched me when I was asleep, and I wasn't going to take any chances.

When Angela dropped me off, I gave her a hearty hug, thanked her profoundly and said my goodbyes – promising to say a final goodbye just before I departed. Both of us would be busy beforehand, and as I walked to the front door with my many bags, I realised that would be the last proper time I would spend with Angela.

Charlie was in when I pushed and shoved my way through the door, his head poking over the top of the fridge looking very confused.

"Where've you been?" he asked frowning.

"Clothes, for England." I tried to smile as I held up the bags, making sure my hair was hanging – as naturally as it could – around my shoulders to hide my neck from Charlie's view.

Charlie grunted and stuck his head back into the fridge, mumbling to himself as I made my way up the stairs.

Pushing open my bedroom door, making loud clatters echo around me as I struggled with the amount of bags, I stumbled forwards. Edward was sitting on my bed, looking mildly amused as he eyed my figure before leaping forwards to assist me.

"Good day?" he asked, grinning. I threw some of the bags on the floor, nodding before throwing myself on the bed, sighing heavily with exhaustion.

"Hmm." I grumbled covering my head with my hands. "My feet, I swear, are about to fall off." I kicked off my shoes and rolled over, lying to look at the ceiling. "Good hunt?"

"I would say it sufficed. I couldn't bare to be away much longer."

"I'm sure." I grinned. "I was thinking," I said as Edward took a space at the end of the bed, taking one of my feet into his lap and massaging gently, "that you should hunt tonight. In fact, I was thinking you should hunt every night from now on until we go to England."

Edward's fingers continued to work magic on my toes, rubbing the heel in such an effective way.

"And why is that?"

"Well, I know how good I smell…" I grinned wickedly, winking. "And I'm sure I taste even better." Edward rolled his eyes but he was smiling also. "And, well, I'd love to live." I was pleased when Edward chuckled, knowing he'd taken it as the joke I'd meant it as. "Anyways, perhaps it'd be easier on _you _if you aren't even the slightest bit thirsty. If you're hunting like all night every night till then."

"I'm always thirsty, Bella. Animal blood is only so good…"

"Well, as good as we can get, right? I don't want you to be in pain."

"I'm going to spit venom into your veins and cause you scorching agony and you're worried about _my _pain?"

"Yeah, yeah, pain, I get it. Are you gonna do it?"

"I'll think about it…"

"Just think, the last time you'll ever be able to hunt without me… It's almost like a bachelor party, in a way… one last time to practice the art before having to teach a total beginner…"

"If I didn't know you any better, I'd say you were trying to get rid of me."

"That's exactly what I'm trying to do!"

I tried to fight the smile that threatened to betray me as Edward frowned. His fingers never stopped relieving the ache in my feet and all the time, I was conscious of the positioning of my hair. I was certain it could not be seen.

"So what did you buy?"

"Are you gonna hunt every night, all night?"

"Yes, yes, if it means that much to you…"

"It does." I batted my eyelids dramatically and pushed myself off the bed.

Carefully, I showed Edward all of the clothes that I'd bought for England. Although I wouldn't necessarily need all of the clothing because of vampires constant body temperature, it'd made the charade seem more real to Charlie, and also the humans of England who would eventually seem me after my very strict new-born lock down.

"I like that colour on you," Edward said breathily, his eyes meeting mine.

"That's why I got it." Spinning on the spot, I showed him fully the blue turtle neck jumper. It was perfect, and covered the majority of Edward's name.

"Does Alice know you went shopping without her?"

"Isn't that a stupid question?" I smirked, going to sit on the bed with Edward, stretching my legs out. "I thought you were supposed to be all brains."

"Your words really hurt," Edward said playfully, bringing his hand to his chest. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to the place where he was pretending to grasp.

"I love you," I mumbled into his chest, peppering kisses up his torso until I reached the skin of his neck and making my way up to his mouth.

Edward's eyes were dark when I looked into them. He obviously hadn't hunted very well. My hand came up, framing his face and letting my thumbs trace under his eyes. He leant forward, pressing his lips to mine. His breath, so sweet and alluring, trapped me in this immense whirl of emotions.

It still amazed me how caught up I could get. Even after so much practice and familiarity, everything was still so new, so different.

Soon, I'd be able to go further. When I was a vampire, there wouldn't be any worries or insecurities, doubts or resignations. I'd be indestructible and beautiful. There wouldn't be restrictions.

Edward, surprisingly lenient, continued to kiss me passionately. He was careful, but he didn't stop. His hand came to my hair, massaging my scalp with his magical fingers as we kissed. My hand cupped his face, my thumb playing with his cheek; my other hand tugging in his hair.

"Not long now, Bella…" Edward mumbled into my mouth, bringing his hands down to play with my bracelet and hold onto my neck. I felt his finger playing with the material of my jumper.

Slowly, I pulled away. Edward's eyes widened but recovered quickly. I didn't want him to see my surprise… I wanted to keep it secret, and I wasn't going to risk it.

Not long now, I repeated to myself.

"Are you okay?"

Edward leaned forwards again, his hand resting on the top half of my arm and kissing my forehead lightly.

"I'm fine, just tired. Sorry."

"You _are_ allowed to refuse to kiss me, Bella."

"I'm not refusing!" My brow furrowed. "I just… stopped. To breathe, to think. I can't think when you kiss me…"

I sighed heavily, restoring my thoughts. Three weeks to go – three weeks was all I had to wait until I'd be flying to England where my change would take place.

My eyes wandered around the room. All of my belongings were still scattered carelessly, fresh piles of clothes that I'd just modelled for Edward were on the floor and the bed. Books, CD's, photo's and knick-knacks were still to be sorted through and packed. Although Charlie assumed I'd be coming back after two or three years, and visiting during that time, I knew I wouldn't be. I'd have to take all the things I wanted with me.

"I have to pack," I said quietly to Edward, to myself.

"Perhaps I could help, before you kick me out?" His eyes shone playfully.

"I, erm, I was gonna ask Charlie." I offered him a sort-of smile as he looked at me, nodding. "I thought it'd be something we could do together, you know, and I could sort through the memories here."

"That sounds like a great idea."

Despite Edward's words, I wasn't sure that he felt so sure. His face had a strange expression that lay hidden amongst a false smile.

"I love you," I said. I pressed a firm kiss against Edward's lips and stood up off the bed.

"So, I'll see you…tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."

He seemed uncertain but nodded his head. After a final kiss on my forehead, he disappeared out of the window.

For several moments after he'd gone, I stared at the window. I made sure I closed it, making certain that he understood he couldn't come in tonight. Fingering my new tattoo, I liked the way it felt under my fingers. I knew it was there because it was tender but that wouldn't last too long.

Looking around the room, I sighed heavily. There was no time like the present, I thought, as I made my way downstairs.

"Dad?"

He was fiddling with a fishing rod at the kitchen table, eyes focused on the fine knob that he was meddling with.

"Hmm?"

"I'm going in three weeks," I said quietly. Charlie raised his head to meet my eyes. "I've got a lot to sort through…" I paused. "I wondered if you could help me?"

Eyes wide, Charlie seemed a little stunned at my proposal. Setting down the rod on the table and picking up his beer can, he joined me in the doorway. He put his arm around my shoulders and turned me around, giving me a push up the stairs.

Charlie didn't say much as we began. His eyes were misty as we worked, the occasional memory shared between us over an object. There wasn't _much _in the room, although a surprising amount considering I hadn't lived there for a long.

I piled things up, separated into groups.

Edward sent me a message half way through the evening: _I love you, Bella. Sweet dreams, my love xxx_

I felt guilty for turning him away, insisting that I slept without him. Three weeks, and we'd have forever. But when I got into bed that evening, I realised how long three weeks could be without Edward beside me as I slept.

* * *

_I'm very curious to each of your thoughts. Please review?_

_As I say, not long left now. I hope you liked it!_

_Thanks for reading xx_


	30. Chapter 30

_Aww, we're coming to an end. I'm sure - there is going to be 2 more chapters and then (probably, hopefully) an epilogue. Sorry about the slow updates; things are just very busy at the moment :)_

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As the days passed, my bedroom grew scarcer. Charlie and his ingenious idea to buy some storage boxes came in really handy. I sorted through the majority of my things; books went into one box, music went into another and sentimental things into the last one. Clothes remained in my wardrobe but I had a large suitcase waiting to be loaded a little closer to my departure.

In the one week since I'd got my tattoo, Edward was still none the wiser. I was extremely proud of this achievement because, well, he was a vampire, after all. I continued to wear clothing that covered my neck; turtle necks, scarves, always wearing my hair down.

If Edward noticed anything, he didn't say anything. However, he did seem to be acting a little strange. He'd asked me if we could spend the day together. I couldn't refuse, seeing as I'd hardly seen him all week and it was killing me.

I couldn't pull myself away from Charlie when he was home, and I had a lot of things to do. I was trying to locate things I seemed to have misplaced.

"Hello?"

I spun around in the kitchen to see Edward standing at the front door, closing it. As always, his beauty overwhelmed me and my eyes widened, trying to absorb as much of his attractiveness.

"Good morning." I grinned. "I'm ready; I was just putting the dishes away."

"Would you like some help?"

I put away the last plate into the cupboard and turned to Edward with a smile. "Nope, I'm done."

Grabbing my coat from the sofa, I hurried out of the door with Edward and made a beeline for his car. Unfortunately, my baby truck was still in awful condition. I could drive it to the grocery store and back… but any further than that and it'd collapse. We'd tried. It'd died and Edward had had to come and get me. I took the approach that I wouldn't be taking it to England anyway… it would probably just rust on Charlie's driveway, waiting for me to come home. It'd be waiting a long time.

"Where are we going?"

"A walk?"

I raised my eyebrows and tried to question him but Edward didn't respond in any way. Instead, he started the engine and began to drive. I didn't like the silence – it held something different and made me anxious.

"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, my eyes furrowed and my heart pounding. I was nervous.

"Nothing," he replied but it was almost monotonous. Something was bothering him and I couldn't understand what.

I kept my silence. I struggled to talk in the car, without the eye contact to see the hidden, honest emotions behind the empty words.

Soon enough, when Edward pulled over into a lay-by and helped me out of the car, I looked around at the amount of trees. Did Edward honestly expect me walk somewhere without a trail?

"Don't worry," Edward said, noticing my confusion. "There's a trail we'll meet up with."

He didn't even need to explain what we were doing until then. Before I could say anything else, Edward had bent down and picked me up, carrying me through the trees at a speed that blurred the images and made me dizzy.

"One more minute." His assurance comforted me. Eyes clamped, face scrunched, we finally came to a halt and Edward set me on the ground.

It took me several moments for me to get my footing. Like promised, we were on a trail. The rocky pathway led up and through some dense trees but it looked do-able, and relatively flat.

"Why are we walking?" I asked when I'd managed my balance.

"'Cause I wanted to talk to you."

"And you couldn't possibly have done that without walking?" I laughed but Edward only smiled. He didn't make a joke. "Okay, tell me, what's wrong?"

"I don't know what's wrong, Bella. I'm worried about you. I'm… I don't want to be rude or demanding. But I'm worried about you. I haven't seen you properly in a week; in the day, you're busy. At night, you don't want me beside you. Are you changing your mind, Bella? Is it all becoming too much?"

My mouth actually dropped open. My attitudes in the past week had been totally misconstrued.

"No, Edward, no, no, _no_!" I spun around, frowning hard. "Don't even go there!"

Why was it that it always resulted to this? Everything I did, and Edward perceived it as reluctance to the decision I was most certain on. It annoyed me, frustrated me and insulted me. How could Edward think my decisions were so vague? Did he no understand, after all this time, how much I wanted this?

"Bella?"

"Why do you always do this? I was really worried about _you! _You go all quiet and broody. It brings back memories. It makes me think you're gonna leave again!"

"I'm not. I can't." Edward shook his head.

I opened my mouth, preparing myself to shout back, but no sound came out. I stopped myself from talking.

We were going backwards. We'd come so far, tried as hard as was possible to put everything behind us, but we were slowly slipping backwards.

"Bella?" Edward's voice was weak as he took a single step towards me. His arm was outstretched, his fingers gingerly touching the fabric of my shirt.

"Don't do this to us. Not now."

"Don't do what?"

"I've forgiven, I've forgotten. I did it all for you, for us. I tried my damned hardest! And now you're saying things like that! You're doing it _again_ – haven't you learned? I've made my decision. And they count for something. So shut up and listen to me!"

"You're decisions count for everything." His voice was soft, bringing this argument to a much more intimate level. He was standing very close to me, too, only a small distance between us. "But I can't keep assuming we're still on the same level. What if it _is _all too much? Leaving Charlie and Angela and Jacob? What if you've changed your mind but don't know how to tell me?"

"I'm tired of having the same conversation," I whispered faintly. "You really aren't listening to me. I can understand what you mean, but do you hear what you're saying?" When he didn't say anything, I carried on. "When Jacob kissed me, you told me I was yours. I am. Always. Don't forget that."

"You've always wanted me to sleep beside you, Bella. Even when I came back, when you were being torn in so many different ways and you _hated _me, you still wanted me next to you…"

In his explanation, I could see what he was saying. Edward wouldn't understand that I was trying to keep the surprise tattoo from him; why would he? If I was in Edward's position, I'd think something was wrong, too.

"Why did you bring us here to discuss this?"

Edward frowned at my sudden change in topic but answered me anyway. "For privacy… I'm tired of having others listening." He paused. "Please talk to me."

Sighing, I said, "Edward, I wasn't lying when I said I thought it was a good idea for you to hunt. I can only imagine how difficult it's going to be for you to change me. The idea of you in pain hurts me and I hate to think I'm the cause of the pain. _That's _why I wanted you to hunt at night instead of sleep beside me.

"Everything I'm doing right now, seeing Angela, trying to phone Jacob, sorting out all my things, and spending time with Charlie… all of that is for _us, _so we can go to England, so I can become like you, so we're equal for eternity."

"I'm struggling, Bella. It's so hard to be apart from you."

I closed the distance between us, pressing myself against him with as much force as I could. My arms wrapped tightly around Edward, holding him to me, holding all of the pieces of me together. Edward was the biggest piece of me; I was so completely whole with him – how could he doubt that?

"It's hard for me, too. I keep telling myself, over and over, two more weeks, just two more weeks."

Standing on my tiptoes, I pressed my lips against Edward's. I felt cold there but it was comforting, it was warmth in its own right. I found familiarity in the cold. Edward's hand came to rest on the back of my head as he continued to kiss me, until he pulled away.

"I've messed up again."

"We aren't going to get it perfect all the time, are we?"

"It was perfect until I messed it up."

"Forgiven, forgotten." Edward didn't say anything and I moved my head so I could look at his face. "You haven't forgiven yourself."

Simply shrugging, Edward pulled himself away from me and turned away.

"Don't do that! Don't bring me here, ask me if I'm sure and then turn away from me." I tried to twist him back around to face me but he wouldn't budge. Instead, I went around standing in front of him but he tried to turn away again. "Ugh! God, you're so infuriating!"

Edward looked at me, eyes deep with shame.

"You're over one hundred years old and you're acting like a baby!"

When Edward said nothing, I went to smack him. I wanted a response, something to tell me Edward was actually alive. His hand caught mine, stopping the contact with his body that probably would have caused me some damage.

"I've seen you taking your pills, still."

"Then take them. If that's what's making you act like this, take the lot and flush them down the toilet! I don't even _need _them."

"Of course you do. Carlisle keeps giving you prescriptions."

I pushed myself back against him. "No, Edward." I brought my lips to his, inhaling his luscious scent and holding onto him as tightly as I could. "It's _you_ that I need."

"I love you so much, it hurts. I'm so selfish. I want you to be mine; you're mine. I'm yours. But if you ever wanted that to change, if you ever decided you didn't want it to be that way anymore, you have to tell me. As hard as it'll be, as difficult and practically impossible as it would be for me to let you go, that's what I'd do. Your happiness is my everything."

"Good job I'm happy with you then, isn't it?"

Edward smiled, one of those beautiful crooked smiles. I don't think he could deny it any longer. It was my own doing. If I hadn't pushed him away this last week, if I hadn't got that stupid tattoo and told him Charlie was helping me pack, maybe he wouldn't have jumped to the paranoid assumption that I didn't want him anymore.

"A very good job, indeed."

We finished up our walk. At first, it was a tad silent as we took a slow and steady pace along the pathway, hands entwined. When I couldn't keep myself silent and apart from Edward any longer, I told him we should go back somewhere where I could lie next to him and have him cuddle me.

I just wanted his touch. I craved it; it was so pure and intense, so refreshing and filling. The only problem was, once I had it, I wanted more. I could only satiate this feeling with the repetitive mantra of 'two weeks' when he could touch me without abandon.

The place we both thought of as a perfect place to lay and chat was the meadow. At least there we could be ourselves with nobody to listen in on us.

Once there, I lay on the grass. Edward had removed his jacket, placing it on the grass so I could lie on something. Now we were here, in our safe haven, I felt okay. This morning's argument was lost, left behind us on the trail that we'd attempted to walk on. I hoped England would provide a suitable getaway for leave all of the horrors behind. Unfortunately, it meant leaving behind the heavens too.

"So tell me…" Edward said as he played with a strand of my hair. My head was resting on Edward's chest and I kept playing with the lines of his chest. "Seeing as you're so sure about this, what are you most looking forward to?"

I was silent for a moment, thinking of all the things. I had a great big list in my mind of all the things that excited me in the weeks, months and years to come.

"I want to be a lion," I said quietly.

Edward made a choked laughing sound. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I thought you remembered _everything_." I grinned. "You said, _and so the lion fell in love with the lamb_. I don't want to be the lamb anymore. I want to be a lioness, _your _lioness."

I felt Edward's deep inhalation. I heard the smile on his lips as he let out a breathy chuckle. I sensed the happiness radiating off of him.

"You remember that?"

"Only just."

"What else? What else are you looking forward to?"

"Errrm…" I paused for a moment, thinking of all the things I could see in my very near future. "I'm looking forward to being with you, in every way possible. Not just forever, although that is one of the best things, but _being _with you. Like you promised."

"Oh?"

My cheeks burned. "You really want me to spell it out?" When he didn't answer, I pushed away my modesty and sat up, swinging my legs over Edward's body. With a leg either side, I bent my torso so I was lying flat on him. I could feel everything underneath me. "_Being _with you, like you promised," I repeated.

Edward's hand cupped my face.

"Like I promised."

"And… kissing me… you can do it properly."

"How do you mean?" Edward was smirking.

"Proper kisses, fearless kisses. Kisses where you don't have to pull away, kisses where I can pull you into me and tug on your hair and you can actually _feel _it. Kisses where we can explore…" Now, my cheeks were alight with a fiery embarrassment.

With his gentle hand, Edward pulled me closer to his lips. "I'm looking forward to it just as much," Edward whispered into my ear.

"What about you? The things you want most?"

"You… properly. Unlike you, however, I'd like to marry you first."

"Maybe once I'm a vampire you won't be able to stop me." I smiled smugly, proud at my pretend threat.

Edward's mouth opened. "So you'll force me against my will?"

"Maybe," I said breathily into his ear, "but I'm pretty sure it won't be against your will."

"Damn. You know me too well."

"Okay, so now tell me what you're _least _looking forward to," I said, sliding off of him to lie beside him on the jacket he'd laid down for my purpose. I was still lying very close to Edward, pressed tightly against him.

His face seemed to have hardened somewhat. His eyes looked deeper, sadder.

"The transformation." His voice betrayed the hurt he was feeling. "Just the _idea _of you in so much pain is excruciating. Knowing I'm the one to cause it will be even harder."

"But I'll live through it. It'll only last for so long. Focus on that, focus on the many years that'll follow those three measly days."

"You're so strong; I don't know how you do it."

"What can I say? I'm just very skilled." I tried to lighten the darkened mood.

"And you?"

"Don't you know already?" I asked rhetorically. "Leaving behind Charlie and Renée. That'll be really hard, but very worth it."

"It does get easier…" Edward said quietly. "As hard as I try, I can only remember so much about my biological parents."

I frowned. "I don't want to forget them, Edward! I just… promise me you'll be my memory. If things start to get fuzzy, you have to be my memories. Tell me things and help me."

"I promise."

I exhaled heavily into Edward's chest, bringing my hand up to play with the button of his shirt.

"What do you like about me, Edward?"

"What?"

I sat up, making sure my hair hung carefully around my neck. Edward sat up too, a frown creasing his forehead as he stared at me intently. The way he looked at me, taking me all in with his faultless eyes, it was as if he was examining the most beautiful piece of jewellery.

"If someone asked you what makes Bella so loveable, how would you answer?"

Edward's frown didn't falter. His eyes narrowed, trying to find the implicit meaning behind my question. Eventually, however, he answered me.

"It'd be difficult to list."

"Try?"

"Okay…" He sighed. "You – you take my breath away, Bella. With everything you do, you always manage to surprise me. There's an element of peace and contentment when I'm around you, and I'm only ever complete when I hear you laugh or see your smile. You're beautiful – and as annoying as it is when you don't believe me when I tell you - your innocence and naivety only adds to how attractive you are.

"You're so forgiving, sometimes for your own good. Take me for example; Bella, I completely destroyed you and yet you still found it in yourself to forgive me and love me again after everything I put you through. And Jacob – he forced himself upon you, treated you rudely and yet you still make excuses for him and welcome him back to you every time.

"I love you, Bella, because you breathed life back into me. You found a shell of the person I used to be and touched my un-beating heart with your overwhelming persistence and genuine smile. Despite all my flaws, every single one of them, you said it didn't matter.

"I lie next to you at night and I'm warm. I never thought I'd feel heat like this again, Bella. I never thought I'd feel love. Your blush is the most beautiful thing I've seen and I drown in your eyes with every glance.

"You're strong and selfless. And, my God, you're so passionate. Those who you love mean so much to you. Do I need to go on?"

I shook my head, my bottom lip trembling. My eyes glistened with the passion of Edward's words. His hand reached out to take mine; he gripped it tightly and began tracing circles with his thumb on the back of my hand.

"What's wrong, Bella?" he asked softly.

My breath caught in my chest, a silent sob. "I was so scared you wouldn't… without my blush, or my warmth, or being _human _that you wouldn't love me as much."

"I didn't mean your physical warmth, Bella, although I do feel that too. You make me feel warmth – with your heart, your love."

"But my blush?"

"Is just a very small contributing factor. There are _much _more important things that matter to me than your blush."

"Edward?" I whispered. "What if I'm not _me _anymore?"

"You'll always be my Bella, just a little more durable."

"How long will it take before I get some of my humanity back?"

Edward sighed, frowning slightly as he continued to squeeze my hand in encouragement. "It depends. Everybody's different."

"My views on everything change. One minute I'm so excited I can _feel _my blood pumping around in anticipation, and then, the next, I'm not, thinking of the goodbyes and everything that could go wrong." I shivered at the thought. Not that I didn't trust _Edward –_ I expected to get through my transformation okay – I feared about everything once I was a vampire.

"Speaking of which," Edward muttered bitterly, his tone riddled with self-disgust. "I've discussed with Carlisle for him to sit in on the transformation."

"What?"

"If he makes the excuse of a convention, he can travel to England with us, assist the change and then come back to Forks before joining us in England in a couple of months."

"No, I meant about Carlisle 'sitting in'." I grimaced. "Why?" I exasperated, pulling my hand away from Edward's. I felt myself getting agitated.

"As you said, things could go wrong. Carlisle will ma-"

"I didn't mean _you! _I meant _me! _What if I kill someone? What if I make a mistake and the blood lust becomes too much?" Saying the words aloud brought a new sense of realistic fear to the possibility.

"Bella, I'll be there to stop you. I won't let you, don't worry."

"You can't be with me _all _the time. What happens if I slip up when you aren't there sometime?"

"I thought the whole idea of this was so we could spend every minute with each other?" Edward's eyes held a sparkling mischievousness.

"It is." Leaning forward, I pressed a quick but passionate kiss against Edward's cheek, letting the warmth of my lips heat his cool cheek.

"Now, if Carlisle flies to England two days after we lea-"

"Edward, what on earth are you talking about?" A look of confusion passed across his face. "I don't want Carlisle being there when you change me."

Although I'd explained, the confusion still didn't leave Edward's expression.

"But why? This is incredibly dangerous, Bella."

"_Why?_" I repeated, keeping my voice calm. "Because I… this thing, when you change me, it's gonna be just _us_. Just you and me, together, taking that next step." I paused and exhaled softly. I continued to talk, softly, persuasively. "I don't want Carlisle there - this is so personal, just you and me."

"I don't even want to think of changing you without Carlisle present, Bella. The dangerous possibilities that could occur. We would be half way across the world. There'd be no stopping me…"

"I don't believe that, not for a second!" My frown was back. "You've stopped before, in the ballet studio with James. You can stop again."

"I almost didn't, Bella."

"But you _did!_" I exclaimed. "I don't want to do this with Carlisle there. No disrespect to him at all, but he isn't needed. I trust you completely. I know you'll be able to manage."

"You don't know anything, Bella."

My eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

"I meant-"

"I know that I trust you! I know, with every inch of my being, that I love you. I'm prepared to give my life for you. You _can _do it, and you're going to. This is me and you, alone, together, moving forwards. And we're going to do it, just me and you, alone, together and we'll be moving forwards. Got that?"

"You're extremely amusing when you're dominating."

"Dominating?"

"Hmm…"

"Does that mean you're submissive? Are you gonna let us do this on our own?"

I moved closer to Edward, making sure he could look into my eyes. I wanted him to see the truth there; the genuine, honest trust that overwhelmed me every time I thought of handing over my body and soul to him.

Edward closed his eyes, blocking off our special connection. "I'll talk to Carlisle… I'm sure we can figure something out."

"Okay," I said with a smile. I understood Carlisle; he'd trust his son as much as I did, always so unquestioning towards Edward. If Edward's final decision rested with Carlisle's opinion, I knew I'd be safe. "As long as you know I love you. And trust you."

I pressed a kiss against Edward's lips, sealing the deal in the sweetest way I could.

* * *

_I can understand Edward's paranoia in this chapter - Bella was distancing herself a little bit..._

_Please review :)_

_Thanks for reading xx_


	31. Chapter 31

_We're finally reaching the end now. One more chapter (and possibly an epilogue)! This chapter (and the next) will be very long, simply because there's still a lot I want to say regarding these last couple of chapters. I really want to thank all of you who review without fail, all the time :) It means a lot to me, and I really appreciate them all._

_I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Hopefully the next one will follow shortly :)_

* * *

Bags packed.

Boxes stacked.

Goodbyes, however, were still that one part of the whole deal that I didn't quite want to do yet. But I couldn't delay it for any longer. For the past two to three weeks, I'd kept repeating to myself over and over about how I could always do it tomorrow.

There wasn't a tomorrow anymore.

I woke up at eight fifteen on the morning of my departure; the plane would take off at seven in the evening. The night would be long, but hopefully I'd be able to sleep on the plane against Edward's comforting chest, the first time in so long.

I knew I'd cry. From the moment I awoke, alarm clock blaring, daylight piercing the closed curtains, I knew that by the time I went to sleep again tonight, I wouldn't have any more tears left to cry. I could have started right then and there.

My clothes were all packed. The night before (and in the days building up to today) I had finished packing, placing items into the large suitcase one by one. I'd put aside the clothes I'd be wearing today. Besides that, the majority of my things would be boarding the plane with me and Edward later (all extra luggage paid for by Edward) and getting off in England.

My mind was a mixture of things when I rolled over, opening my eyes to my room. It didn't seem much like my room anymore. When sorting through, I'd been sure to keep some of my possessions in my bedroom. I wanted Charlie to have things that had belonged to me. The odd picture I'd been sure to keep on my desk and some of my favourite books and ornaments. I could always buy more. Charlie would need them for comfort. I, on the other hand, had Edward.

Pushing myself out of bed, I tripped over one of the boxes straight away. I had been for several days now. With the weight of my departure almost pushing me to the floor, I rushed into the shower. Charlie's bedroom door was slightly ajar but I didn't peek inside. I couldn't hear those heavy snores that sometimes rattled around me, nor could I hear the shuffle of the bed sheets. If I knew Charlie, he'd be lying awake and thinking about what we'd both be doing later today.

As I washed away the nights grime, scrubbing my skin to give myself the most thorough cleaning, I let my thoughts wander. I'd said goodbye to Angela yesterday. She understood that today would be about Edward and I saying goodbye to our parents. It'd been hard to give her that final hug, but she'd promised to keep in touch. I'd make sure I kept that promise.

After my shower, I changed quickly into the clothes I'd set aside, a pair of comfortable jeans and a turtle neck jumper (something I'd been wearing a lot of recently) and trod carefully down the stairs. I didn't want to disturb Charlie; I didn't want to have to talk to him this morning. It sounded awful, but tonight would already be too hard without having practice runs of it throughout the day.

I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl, thinking about how it probably wouldn't be re-filled after I'd left. Charlie didn't eat apples; maybe a banana, but he kept them in the fridge next to his cans of pop for quick access.

Then I fetched the jotter from beside the phone and walked over to the kitchen table. I'd been composing this letter for over a week now, remembering little bits and pieces of information in my head, remembering all the things that I wanted to say. I was so scared I'd forget to mention something and never have an opportunity to say it again.

I wrote. I wrote, and tears fell down my cheek as I scribbled down my feelings for Jacob. It was the easiest way. My eyes stung and my vision blurred as I signed my name at the end.

I sighed heavily and reached across the table for my cell phone. I dialled Edward's number. He answered right away.

"Good morning." I could hear his smile.

"Good morning," I replied. Even I could tell me voice was thick with tears.

He didn't even ask, instead saying quietly, "It's going to be a rough day…" already knowing what was wrong.

"I know." I inhaled deeply. "Can you come fetch me? I need to go to La Push."

"Are you really sur-"

"We've been through this. I need to say goodbye."

"I'll be there right away," he said, hanging up and letting the dial tone sound out.

We had discussed it in detail. The previous two times I'd seen Jacob he'd phased in front of me and then kissed me without my permission. Edward was scared for me, and I was scared for Jacob. He didn't seem to be coping well, according to Charlie who was the messenger from Billy.

I heard the engine of Edward's car pull up outside the house and I stepped out immediately. He was waiting for me, smiling as encouragingly as he could, as I pushed myself in side. At least he hadn't opened the door for me today; I couldn't be doing with formalities at the moment.

"I've missed you," he said breathily into my ear as he leaned in to leave a kiss on my cheek.

"I've missed you more."

His lips moved up, pressing against the top of my cheeks where there were little red patches, still salty from the tears. "Just one more day… one more day."

I'd sleep against him on the plane tonight, I reminded myself as he started the engine. I kept Jacob's letter tightly in my hand as Edward drove, keeping quiet until he pulled up against the border. I knew it pained him to let me go.

"I won't be long," I said quietly.

"Be careful." Edward's eyes drifted close, as if in pain. "Just… just call me if he's being… unreasonable."

"He'll still be asleep."

"How are you so sure?"

"Because it's much too early for Jacob." I almost grinned at my words, pressing a kiss to Edward's lips and disappearing down the pathway.

I kept my mind busy as I walked, thinking of anything that I could possibly have missed for his letter. I reached his house all too soon, knocking politely on the door. Billy answered and confirmed my suspicions that Jacob was still sleeping. He told me I should wake him, but I ignored him as I made my way through to Jacob's bedroom.

It reminded me of all those weeks, months, ago when I'd come with Charlie to thank him. This was my goodbye. I took one last look at my letter.

_Jacob,_

_You know, you haven't really been fair on me. You've put me in the worst position ever, and you've made me feel awful for treating you this way. But there really isn't any other way, you understand that, right?_

_Thank you for coming to the hospital. You kept coming to try and help me, I was just beyond help. Only Alice (or another Cullen) held the secret to fixing me back up again. You didn't fail – I was just too broken._

_The Cullen's told me that you were dangerous, just like you told me the same about them. Neither of you are. Even after you phased in front of me, you aren't dangerous. Perhaps an accident could happen, but when are we ever safe from accidents? I could slip whilst holding a knife and accidentally cut Charlie – does that mean I'm dangerous? No. Jacob, you're a really great guy and I know you hate yourself, but don't. One day, you'll find that girl. You know the one you told me about? The one you'll imprint on. You already know it's not me, so don't get all upset about it. You'll find her, eventually._

_I do love you, Jacob. But not how you want me to love you, not how I love Edward. You're my brother, my best friend, which is why it hurts so much when you tell me how stupid I am and how I'm better off dead. It hurts so much, too much. Which is why I'm telling you all this in a letter. I'm going to leave it by your bed while you're still sleeping, and I'm going to kiss your cheek and say my goodbye as your keep on snoring because I can't deal with your attempts to try and change my mind again. Don't come and find me this afternoon. Please don't spoil my last day with Charlie._

_I guess this really is goodbye. I can't imagine you wanting to be my friend, my brother, when I've changed. Besides, if we ever did meet again, you've already told me what you'll have to do. I'll make sure that'll never happen, so don't worry._

_So carry on being Jacob. You're rude and obnoxious at times, sure, but you're loyal and funny. You're a protector. _

_All my love, _

_Bella, x_

I reached the end, tears streaming again. Folding the letter back up, I pulled out the picture I was leaving him, too. It was from a long time ago, during one summer time when I'd stayed with Charlie. We were both young in the picture, Jacob more noticeably younger than I was, with his two sisters standing to the left of us. We were both smiling.

I pushed the letter next to his pillar and rested the photograph on top. Leaning down, I brought my lips to his cheek. The warmth was too much; my kiss was short.

"Goodbye, Jacob."

I walked away and kept walking without looking back. I'd already absorbed as much of Jacob as I could. If I turned back, I might not leave for a little while longer and I had to be gone before he woke up.

I said goodbye to Billy on my way out, giving him a small smile and a wave goodbye. Walking back up to Edward, I felt my eyes betray me again. I knew Jacob had been awful to be, I knew Jacob had said awful things but I also knew Jacob cared about me so deeply that it distorted his actions so they didn't represent his intentions.

When I saw Edward, staring at me intently with his smouldering eyes, I just seemed to collapse into his arms. I needed his strength today. I needed his strength now more than ever.

"One more day," Edward breathed. I was thankful he hadn't started doubting, asking me if I was sure; at least that much had become better over the past two weeks. He'd accepted that it _was _going to happen because it was what I wanted.

"Just one more day," I agreed, holding onto Edward tightly.

After several moments, we separated and we both got back into the car. It wasn't late but in too short a time, we'd be leaving for the airport. The thought sent shivers through me.

The drive back home was awful. I felt the separation from Jacob with each minute I spent driving away. Finally, we reached home. Edward was smiling as I held onto his hand, letting him lead me in.

I opened the front door, but took a step back when I saw Charlie hovering directly on the other side of the door. My heart jumped in surprise, beating only ten times harder when Esme and Carlisle came into view. I soon saw Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, all huddled into my small living room. There were a couple of balloons cello-taped to the TV and a tray of sandwiches on the coffee table.

"Just a little goodbye from the ones who'll miss you the most," Charlie said, his voice wet with unshed tears.

I felt my throat close tight with my own tears, trapping any words I wanted to say. I just walked over to him, letting go of Edward's hand and wrapping my arms around him in a close embrace. I felt my cheeks burning with tears.

The Cullen's had turned away from us, chatting amongst themselves in a way that gave Charlie and I some privacy.

"Did you say goodbye to Jacob?" he asked, clearing his throat roughly.

"Yeah, yeah. Well, I left him a note. I couldn't do it any other way." I shrugged it off, my way of telling Charlie not to ask more. As always, he didn't, knowing exactly when to be quiet and to say no more.

"Do you want a sandwich?"

"Was I at Jacob's that long?" I laughed, picking up one from the tray that Charlie was offering me.

"A while," Charlie agreed, taking one for him. He shoved the little triangle into his mouth all in one and then took another. Thank goodness the Cullen's didn't eat, otherwise we'd be short. "When do we have to leave for the airport?"

I looked around, hoping for Edward's help. I wasn't too certain on the details; I felt if I didn't know the exact time, it'd be easier that way because I wouldn't be dreading the time. It'd be sudden, quick, a clean break.

"Edward?" I called. "What time do we have to leave?"

He looked at his watch. "We have three hours," he said quietly, but the words sounded very clearly throughout the whole room.

I thought of all the things I needed to do: I needed to put the finishing touches to my belongings, pack my final things, load them into the car and say goodbye – I didn't know how long that'd take. I took another sandwich to give me something to do and moved across the room to see Carlisle. He was standing with a glass of something, sipping it with sophistication.

"How are you, Bella?"

"So-so." I tried to smile.

"Edward told me that you want to go through with the change without… help?"

I turned my head, looking back at Charlie who was having a three way conversation with Alice and Esme, looking particularly overwhelmed.

"What did you say when he told you?"

"I… I told him that I trusted him, too."

"I told him you'd say that," I beamed.

Carlisle grinned. "I know. I really can't thank you enough, Bella. You've… well, you've given me my son back."

"Carlisle, I wanna say thanks to you. I…the way you helped me. I'm ready now, I'm better. So, you know…"

"I do." Carlisle reached out to me and gave me a gentle hug. It felt nice to hug him; I'd never done it before, not really.

Esme came over to me and swapped placed with Carlisle who disappeared into the corner with Charlie. I heard him talking to Emmett about football – they actually seemed to be enjoying their conversation, all animated with thorough hand gestures and smiling faces.

"I just wanted to say good luck, honey! I won't be seeing you for a little while," she whispered, hugging me too. Although her skin was cold, her hug was warm and full of all the heat of a mother's embrace.

"When are you coming over?"

"We're not too sure yet. Edward's told us to give you two some time alone, and we need to give it time so it doesn't look too suspicious."

"Okay. I'd like that, time alone." I looked up at Esme's face and saw her encouraging smile. "But I'd like you, too. I want my family with me, too."

"Oh, honey." She grinned with her eyes and her mouth. "As if we could stay away for long."

I wiped away a small tear and cursed my stupidity. I wasn't saying goodbye to them forever – I'd be seeing Esme again soon and then spending some of my eternity with her.

"I just need to check some things upstairs," I said.

Leaving the room and walking upstairs, I headed into my bedroom and cursed the boxes, the piles and cases. I sat down on my bed, gripping a pillow with clenched fists, pushing my frustration out of my body.

I heard footsteps so I stood up quickly and began to strip the bedcovers, knowing they'd need washing before I left.

"Bells?"

I turned round at Charlie's voice and saw him standing in the doorway.

"Don't waste time doing that," he said quietly, taking the bedcovers from my hand. "I'll do it… when you're gone."

"You'll already have to learn to cook..."

"I did manage before you, you know, Bells."

"Dad, you lived off takeouts. You're getting older now; you need to take more care of yourself."

Oh, God. What happened when Charlie was ill? Who would take care of him? No kids, no wife, how would he manage? Sure, perhaps Billy could help, or Harry Clearwater and his wife.

"I will, I can do stuff like that." He seemed very determined. "You know, I got you something, Bells. I don't really want to give it you in front of the others… I thought, you know, 'cause they've got all that money and that…"

I cringed a little. Charlie and I had never really discussed money.

He disappeared out of the room and I heard his wardrobe doors opening. In a few minutes, he came back into the room with a cardboard box in his hands.

"It's just something… I thought… perhaps…" He pushed it into my hands and I was surprised at its weight. Laying it on the bed, I opened it up and peered inside.

"So you could keep in touch with your dear old dad, you know. I thought we could email, and you could email your mom. And I got you this, too." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a memory stick. "I got a lot of photos put onto here. Some guy at the station did it for me."

"Dad…"

"I thought, you know, it'd perhaps help with your studies, too. I was gonna pay, Bells. If that's what you'd want, I'd make enough money, I'd find the money to send you there." His eyes were glistening, sparkling under the betrayal of tears. For once, Charlie wasn't embarrassed, simply letting himself feel the emotion.

"I know, I know, Dad. It's fine. Thank you, thank you so much!"

I kissed his forehead and fell into his arms. It wasn't awkward, nor was it forced. It seemed natural and it was the first time ever that Charlie had ever let emotion get this far. Maybe he realised we were running out of time.

We sat there for some time. There were things that needed to be done; things that still needed to be said. But it didn't matter. We just sat, for some time, father and daughter, for the last time.

When we finally moved, everything seemed to happen in fast forward. Time was ticking, clock hands were moving, I was getting frantic.

Edward left with Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett to finish up with his things. Alice and Jasper stayed – Alice helping Charlie and me in my bedroom, folding last minute clothes and heaving some of the heavier boxes downstairs when Charlie wasn't paying attention. Jasper was cleaning up the small mess created from the mini party.

I heard every second that passed. It sounded impossible, when I thought about how I heard it, but I did. Each second that passed seemed to ring loud and clear in my ears.

When things had finally been sorted and the cases were all loaded up in the back of Charlie's cruiser, Alice and Jasper left. They said they had to say goodbye to their brother and they'd meet us at the airport.

I looked around my empty room before making my way downstairs. I couldn't quite come to terms with the fact I wouldn't be coming back. Not tonight, or in a weeks time, not in a couple of years when my pretend degree was complete.

"Bells?" Charlie called from downstairs. I could already hear his voice, thick, emotional. It was the worst I'd ever seen him. Did he get the inclination I wouldn't be coming back home?

"I'm coming!" I called back, glancing round once more at the room. It looked bare; it looked like it did when I first arrived, only I'd left some pictures on the pin board and the odd tee-shirt in the wardrobe. I didn't want it to be completely empty for Charlie.

Closing the door on my room, I walked down the stairs. Charlie was sitting there on the sofa, giving me an off hand smile.

"Just a quick chat, Bells. I get that you're gonna get all excited when we get to the airport and will probably just want to board…"

"Well," I said trying to make the mood as light as possible. "Edward did say something about first class tickets!" I forced a laugh.

"He certainly looks after you…"

"Dad, I wanna… thank you, for everything. I haven't exactly been an easy kid."

"You've been perfect."

"Yeah, besides running out on you and then getting put in a hospital."

"I love you anyway, Bells." He paused, fiddling with his fingers in his lap.

"Well, I still wanna thank you. You've done… so much."

"Only 'cause I love you, Bells. You're my daughter. And I'm really proud of you. So proud. Sometimes it was hard, 'cause you were making choices I didn't agree with but that's the whole point of you growing up."

"Dad, I really wish I didn't have to go…"

"And stay here with me forever? Don't be silly, Bells. Just promise me you'll email on your laptop, and give me a call every so often. I'm not expecting every day but, you know, I want to know you're safe. I'm gonna save for a plane ticket or maybe you and Edward can come back for Christmas?"

"I don't know… I, well, I heard the first year is really busy."

"I don't want you getting drunk! You can at eighteen in England, you know. No danger – remember what your dad does for a living!" Charlie's face was falsely stern.

"I couldn't. Edward will take care of me."

"Good. I need to have a chat with him about that…" he mused aloud.

"We're going to be late if we don't go soon."

"You're right, you're right!" Charlie said, jumping up. He startled me with his quick movements and I slowly got up, too.

As Charlie grabbed his coat, I reached out for mine. I had a scarf wrapped around my neck too just to make sure my tattoo secret would stay a secret during the plane journey over to England whilst I was sleeping.

"Come on then, Bells." Charlie opened the door.

I took one last look at the living room door, remembering the way the homely scent lingered on the sofa, the way the remote was always wedged down the side of Charlie's chair and how the picture frame next to the wall light always hung just that little bit wonky.

The key clicked in place, locking the door, locking away part of my childhood, locking me out forever.

I was just about to get into the car when I heard someone call my name. My head spun round, hair smacking my tender tear-stained cheeks. Jacob was running towards me as he threw a tee-shirt on his bare body at the same time.

"Bella." He was panting heavily.

I shook my head. "No, no, Jacob, _please_."

"I won't." He was standing right in front of me, and I could see his eyes that looked slightly puffy. "I… I won't."

"I told you not to come…"

"I know, but I couldn't let you go. I held myself back all day, but I couldn't let you go…"

"Don't, Jac-"

"… without saying goodbye."

My heart stopped and my eyes flew to meet Jacob's. They were so deep, so emotionally rich. I wanted to reach out and touch his face.

"Saying goodbye?" I repeated back to him in a faint whisper.

"I got it, I got the letter. I read it over and over, and then again and again. I… it's killing me, Bells. But I'm gonna say goodbye. That's what I have to do."

In my chest, my heart gave a little spasm, a jolt of overwhelming satisfaction. I lunged forward, throwing my arms around Jacob's neck and pulling myself into his warmth. It must have taken so much for him to come here… to come here and remain silent for me… to hold back all of his feelings.

"Thank you so much. Thank you." I kissed his cheek as I pulled back, smiling as widely as I could.

"You're welcome, Bells. I…"

"Jacob, Jake… I…" I paused, trying to breath. "Charlie has my email address, if you want it. Maybe… maybe things will be different between us. Maybe… it'd work if we weren't actually face to face."

Jacob just shrugged and let me go. I could see in his face the struggle he had to go through to actually let go of me, but he did it. He did it for me.

"Goodbye, Jacob."

I forced myself to smile and gave a small wave as I got into the car. Charlie was waiting patiently, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the radio. I only focused on it for a minute, only noticing the car as it began to move because it changed my view of Jacob standing out side on my driveway.

My eyes began to blur, so Jacob disappeared from view, his image distorted long before it should have done, taking my last glimpse of him from me.

Once Jacob was gone, I focused on the radio. If I let myself even think of the proper goodbye, the final goodbye, that was about to come with Charlie, I would just dissolve into tears.

Charlie didn't say much on the way there. He made a comment about Jacob and how much he liked me, but it was harmless and merely observant. The other comments were about the 'trash' on the radio.

I saw the signposts to the airport long before we actually reached it. My stomach did anxious somersaults; my mind began to emotionally shut down before it had a chance to break down. Charlie's mumblings seemed to stop too.

"The Cullen's are already here," he voiced aloud, the first thing he'd said in many minutes, as we pulled into the parking lot closest to departures.

I could see Edward, hovering with his collection of suitcases surrounding him. Alice was rushing back over to him with a small luggage cart, ready to load up all of his things.

When Charlie pulled up next to the Cullen car's, Emmett and Edward were instantly at our side – Emmett to help unload, smiling politely at Charlie, and Edward to give me a small kiss on the forehead. He whispered encouragement to me… was it so obvious how distressed I was?

"This way, Bella," Carlisle called, waving us over. I followed him, Charlie pushing my luggage cart after winning our small argument, and we finally got inside.

"We need to go check our bags onboard…" Edward said. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the flight tickets and I got my passport out of my travel bag.

We hurried through the necessary parts, Edward leading me as I was acting on auto pilot. Even with so little time left to go, I was trying to think of all the last things I could say to Charlie, the last time I'd be seeing him face to face.

The woman behind the check-in desk seemed confused at the stray tears that tumbled carelessly down my cheeks.

As we made our way back over, Edward separated off to his family. I threw my arms around Charlie's neck.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, dad!" I cried, feeling the tickle of the tears as the reached my chin and dampened Charlie's shoulder.

"Me too, Bells, me too."

"Now, you take care of yourself, okay? Just… be careful." I squeezed him tightly, trying to push so many words through with my actions. So many things to say… so many things…

"You're stealing my lines, Bella. _You _take care of yourself. _You _be careful!" I heard the wetness of his voice, making his voice crack unevenly. "Call me when you've landed, okay. And I don't care about the time difference – you ring me whenever. I'll always pick up."

"I will."

"And, now, you're always welcome back home, okay? I… I know you've moved out, and, well – I just want you to think of Forks as home. You've always got a home here."

"I know."

"Now, I wanna know all the important things, too! And your mom. You know how she's kicking herself 'cause she can't say goodbye to you, but she still loves you."

"I know."

"And I love you."

"I love you, too."

I clung onto Charlie's body, holding myself tightly to him. I'd never had so much physical contact with him, ever. But it wasn't too much. It wasn't enough.

Charlie coughed. "You should probably get going," he said, untangling him from me and giving me a gentle push. I bit my lip, trying to hold onto all of the tears that would just erupt as soon as they could.

"Edward," Charlie barked. "I'm trusting you, god dammit, to take care of my daughter!"

"I wouldn't dream of doing anything different, sir."

"Good man," Charlie chirped with a sharp nod of his head. "Now, off you go. Remember to call, email and I'll see you at Christmas!"

I didn't say anything else. I couldn't. I couldn't lie, I couldn't think. Words wouldn't form, thoughts weren't coherent.

I waved goodbye to Charlie, blowing him a kiss. His image distorted into a mass blur as tears welled into my eyes. Edward was holding my hand tightly, gently pulling me away from my father. It hurt. So much. I could feel the ache, the weight of the lies and goodbyes. I felt it all, every jolt of agony, of grief.

I felt Charlie's pain and disappointment when I cancelled our plans for Christmas, when he sat eating Christmas dinner on his own. I felt Charlie's pain when I didn't tell him the date for graduation. I felt his pain when I rang up and told him I wasn't coming home, that Edward and I were going to see the world, travel and broaden our horizons. I felt the pain and weight of every single lie I just told and the ones that'd follow.

I waved a final goodbye as Edward led me through to the first class lounge that I was in no fit state to appreciate. All I felt was the searing loss of my family. The only thing holding me together was Edward; he was my backbone, my glue, my reason for everything.

* * *

_Finally coming to a close... I think we really see that here._

_I wanted Bella to give something up in this story. In Breaking Dawn, she seemed to get everything. But there is a sacrifice she has to make - Charlie and Renee (and Jacob) are it. _

_Please review - I'd love to hear your thoughts, now more than ever :)_

_Thanks for reading! xx_


	32. Chapter 32

_It's finally here! The final chapter! I've been really busy at the moment so I'm really sorry that you had to wait for this chapter... Also, I haven't written an epilogue yet. I haven't even started it. However, there will definitely be one and you shouldn't be waiting too long, I hope._

_Just a huge huge thank you to all of you; the readers, the reviewers, the one who were here from the start and the ones who supported me all the way through :) You guys really did make the whole thing so much fun!_

_I hope you like it:_

* * *

Once on the plane, I tried to block out all of my thoughts. If I thought too hard, the memories would be too clear and I wasn't ready to think about what I'd given up. As rewarding as the benefits were, the negatives were pretty big, too.

I cried. I cried, a lot. Edward held me tightly, passing his pulsing strength into my soul through his presence and comforting touch. Some other passengers stared at me; I felt their eyes burning into me and I saw their thoughts through the expressions on their face.

I clung to Edward desperately and when the air hostess showed us to our places, spacious seats with individual TV screens, I accepted the pillow and blanket that she offered and curled up into Edward's side. I buried myself beneath it and silently cried myself to sleep, Edward humming my lullaby quietly and placing with the damp strands of my hair.

When I woke, we were three hours into the flight. The cabin was dimly lit for those who wanted to sleep and Edward was watching me with wide golden eyes. In the past few days, they seemed to have reached a brand new colour. It was richer, brighter.

"How are you?" His voice was quiet, a whisper as delicate as a gentle breeze that caressed my sore, salty face, the skin rough, red, from crying.

I moved my shoulders, giving a sort-of shrug that Edward seemed to understand. He pressed something that let out a tiny beep, and one of the air hostesses came over to us almost instantly.

"Anything I can help you with?" the woman asked.

Edward turned to face me, his eyebrows raised in question.

"A bottle of water, please," I said, surprised when my voice croaked weakly.

"What about something to eat?" Edward asked, brushing a hair out of my face. When I went to shake my head, Edward ignored me and turned towards the hostess.

"Erm, do you just have some nuts? Chocolate?"

"We have those, sir. I could bring you a menu, if you like."

"No, thank you. Just bring a selection of energy foods."

The hostess gave a polite nod and a friendly smile before disappearing. Edward's arms tightened around me. We were almost lying down, with the chair tilting so far backwards. My legs were stretched and curled so they twisted comfortably onto Edward's lap, his arm holding them in place.

"You slept well," Edward told me. "Hardly said anything." His grin shone mischievously.

"Hardly?"

"You made brief reference to Charlie but you, er, also… also liked being this close to me," he said breathily.

I exhaled heavily, closing my eyes as I pushed myself even closer to Edward. "I haven't been next to you like this in so long."

"Soon, very soon…" Edward sighed too and continued to play with my hair. His fingers brushed the strands the way they'd brush a guitar, gently, carefully, as much love for me as a musician would have for his instrument.

"Long enough."

"So you'd do it now?" Edward whispered huskily, crooked smile illustrating his face.

"I-"

I was cut off by the air hostess who brought a bottle of water and a glass of ice, and a small tray with a packet of nuts, a bar of chocolate, some chips, some freshly cut fruit and a selection of hard boiled sweets.

"If there's anything else, sir, please let me know."

"Thank you." Edward smiled and the woman disappeared. For once, she wasn't flirting or making eyes _my _man. Neither was she trying her best to get him into bed. Finally, someone was doing their job professionally with a friendly smile and attentive attitude.

"You need to eat something," Edward said, gesturing to the tray.

"I'm not hungry."

"But it's going to be a long day."

"Edward, it's late, one o'clock in the morning late. I don't need energy."

"You'll be tired when we get to England… the jet lag."

I dropped my voice even quieter, a faint whisper that I was positive no-one would hear. "I don't plan on being tired for long… as soon as we can… we'll…"

"I know you're in a hurry. But don't you want to sleep for one last time, properly, in a real bed, together?"

"I'll sleep now with you, how's that?"

"This isn't a real bed, Bella."

"I don't care _where _I sleep, it's _who _I sleep next to, so here suits me fine."

Edward shook his head, a smile gracing his lips as he leaned forwards to press a kiss to the place where his fingers were placing with my hair.

"If you refuse to eat, perhaps you should sleep. Drink this – you need to replace all those tears." Edward handed me the bottle of water and then brought his fingers up to gently rub the skin under my eyes. As always, his cool skin provided endless comfort.

I drank the entire contents of the bottle, not realising how thirsty I was until the water hit the back of my throat. I wondered if thirst would be like this from now on; Edward said it burned.

"Sleep, my love. We'll be in England before we know it." Even I, eyes already drifting with the promise of sleep, heard the smile of his voice. It seemed that, although we were soon coming to what Edward described as the most dreaded part; Edward was looking forward to our future.

As Edward said, when I awoke, we were half an hour from landing. I seemed to have slept all the way through the flight, desperately needing the bathroom almost as soon as my eyes opened.

When the plane landed, as I held Edward's hand tightly, I breathed a sigh of relief as we touched the English soil.

We were here. Where it was going to begin. It was all going to start now.

I thanked the air hostesses and noticed the thick English accent of one of the women. I gripped Edward's hand even tightly as we walked off the plane, walking quickly with the other few people of the plane to where we could collect our luggage from the first class collection point.

The weather was cold, and I could see the wind hitting the trees if I stared at a distance through the window. I felt a little out of place, English accents swallowing me up as Edward spoke to one of the woman at the desks. Our passports were thoroughly checked and we walked through security.

I walked in a haze, a little dreary and feeling grubby. I'd slept and I knew my hair was messy, some of it flat against my head despite Edward's assurances that it was okay. It had been a long flight.

After collecting our luggage, we made our way outside. I shivered as soon as we stepped out and looked at the abysmal weather. It was much like Forks; August, sure, but raining torrentially.

Edward handed me his jacket and he headed towards the parking lot. I just followed him, pushing my luggage cart as Edward pushed his. Soon enough, we came to someone who was holding a piece of paper saying 'Cullen' and we followed the man further to a luxurious car who was waiting to escort us.

He'd planned it all. Of course he had. Had I really expected anything different?

From the airport, we travelled to a place where Edward had bought a brand new car. It was a Volvo, extremely similar to his old car back in Forks except a new model. After re-loading the car, grabbing a quick breakfast from a service station, we set off.

It took me a very long time to get used to driving on the other side of the road. I wondered if I'd ever be able to learn. Naturally, Edward was the perfect driver, even on the other side of the road, although perhaps a little speedy.

Edward wouldn't tell me where we were going. I asked and I kept asking but he wouldn't say. Obviously, we weren't going to Oxford and I hadn't really thought about where we'd be staying instead. Whenever I had voiced concerns, Edward had told me not to worry. It was Edward all over. I let him have his secretive minute seeing as I was having mine.

Sometime during the morning, about an hour and half after landing, my cell phone began to ring. Charlie's number flashed upon the screen and my heart sunk instantly.

"Hey Dad," I said as cheerfully as I could into the phone.

"Bells? Have you landed?"

"Obviously. What's wrong? What time is it at home?"

"Late," Charlie answered shortly. "But I stayed up, waiting for you to call. Wanted to make sure you'd landed okay…"

"Oh, right." I choked back the emotion, touched by his actions. "Yeah, we landed. I didn't want to wake you."

"I told you not to worry about that!"

"Okay." I smiled into the phone. "You must be tired though, dad. Why don't you go to sleep? We're safe."

"I will. Talk to you later, Bells. Night, love you."

"Love you too, dad."

He hung up before I did. I'm pleased he did because I don't think I could have managed pressing the red button. It seemed final, even though I'd already said goodbye forever. Maybe, in some way, his call was comforting. It provided to me I could still talk to him. It wasn't completely goodbye, not really.

"Where are we going?" I asked again.

"Stop asking me. I want it to be a surprise."

"Well, two can play this game," I said stubbornly, grinning widely. Edward scanned my eyes, continuing to drive without even looking.

"What do you mean?"

I merely shrugged, playing on Edward's nerves. Turning my head, I kept Edward's face in my peripheral vision, watching his face simmering with confusion.

"Where are we going?" I asked again.

"I want to tell you, Bella, but I want you to wait, too."

"Well, how long will I be waiting?"

"Another hour?"

"An _hour_?" I repeated back to him, pouting dramatically and throwing myself back into the seat. "_Edward – _I'm _bored!_"

"What can I do to entertain you?"

"Oh, plenty of things…" I said slowly, grinning widely. But instead, I curled up in my seat and angled myself so I was facing Edward. He was still watching me, probably giving half the English drivers a fright of their lives.

"Such as…?"

"Sing to me?"

As expected, Edward didn't even falter or question why. His eyes seemed to ignite at my request, sending shots of contentment through my body. When he opened his mouth to begin, I saw a glimpse of his tongue, his teeth. Soon, they'd be piercing my skin.

Edward sang to me until I fell asleep, all the time, thinking about how I could not wait.

When I woke, I was really confused. Although my dreams had been full of future images, I felt slightly disorientated to the sound of the cars velvet engine, the movement around me, Edward's beautiful voice that hadn't stopped singing even though I'd fallen asleep.

I looked up and saw nothing but green. Not just single shades, but ever different colour of green, sown together in a colourful patchwork quilt of fields. The roads were narrow, incredibly thin and windy. I turned my head to Edward.

"Where are we?" I asked, sensing my own shock.

"I thought perhaps an isolated location would suit our situation better."

I beamed at Edward, emotions gushing out of me. This was why I loved him, so thoughtful, so caring. He wanted it to be easier for me.

"Are we there yet?"

Pushing myself up, I sat with my back straight, pressing my face against the cool glass and peered out of the window. The green, the endless fields just didn't seem to end. I couldn't see anything. There were sheep dotted amongst the landscape, so tiny and collective that they looked like a polka dot painting.

"Nearly."

"Nearly? How long?"

Edward turned to look at me, smiling widely. He pointed forwards, jabbing his finger against the glass of the windscreen. I screwed my eyes up and moved over to see from Edward's perspective.

"See those trees?"

I nodded. There was a large collection of them, bundled together to stand against the wind that seemed to be trying to blow them over. They were standing in unison and standing strong.

"We're living there?" I deadpanned, shuffling back into my seat and bunching my legs into my chest.

Edward shook his head, the smile still tormenting his lips. I could see he was struggling to hold in his excitement.

"Close your eyes," Edward whispered.

Reluctantly, I obliged, closing them. I heard Edward let out a breathy laugh and the engine seemed to roar to life. I could feel the speed of the car, racing towards our destination. I squeaked in surprise which only made Edward chuckle and speed up more.

I knew I was safe. Not only was there nothing to crash into, Edward had the reflexes of a mouse trap.

It seemed like hours since the car finally came to a sudden halt, almost sending me through the windscreen if it wasn't for Edward's gentle arm holding me into my seat. I grabbed onto his arm with as much strength as I had the one time I'd been on a roller coaster.

"Can I open my eyes…?" I asked wearily, trying to catch my breath.

"No, hold on."

When Edward disappeared beside me, I felt the loss of his presence. The car door closed with a muffled thud just as my own car door opened. It felt strange, being on the left side of the car rather than the right.

Edward took my hand and I let myself be guided by his calm strength.

"Keep your eyes closed…"

They were squeezed shut so not even a shimmer of light could creep through the barrier my eyelids created. Edward steered me forwards, holding onto my hand and my shoulder. He mumbled directions in my ear, telling me when I needed to step over a stone or a branch. I wondered what needed this kind of build up.

I soon found out.

"Bella, open your eyes."

In front of me, there was a crumbling stone wall but, beyond that, stood the most beautiful stone cottage; the windows were small but ample enough. The red door stood exactly in the middle, the heart of the cottage. Its roof was thatched, it's chimney thick and strong on the top of the house. It was two stories, I could see that, and medium sized. There was a mixture of ivy and moss filling the crack in the stone, a jigsaw puzzle up the front and size of the house.

My jaw dropped.

"Edward… I…"

"It's ours. All ours." I spun to see him, seeing nothing but his wide grin that covered his face. "It's all sorted, come on, look inside."

"Wha-"

"I didn't know when the last person who lived here was. I got someone out to make it habitable, furnish it, clean it."

"Edward…"

"Just look inside."

I was over caught with emotion, so many thoughts. I could feel myself on the verge of crying, only happy tears this time, as I looked at Edward's and I home… the one that was _ours_… the one we shared.

I pushed open the brown gate and walked the small distance to the front door. I went to try the handle but Edward's hand came out to stop me. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bronze key. Handing it to me, I struggled with the weight of it, something so precious. It meant so much to me; it stood for something so solid.

The first room I came to was beautiful. I don't think there is a better word that could cover it. The walls were all stone wall too. It was large, spacious with two cream two-seater couches, a pine coffee table and a TV in the corner of the room. There was a fireplace, a pile of logs just waiting to be lit beside it with a box of matches resting on top.

I went to open the door next but Edward shook his head and pulled me towards the stairs towards the back of the large room.

"That's only the kitchen."

It seemed the whole downstairs was just the lounge and the kitchen; I couldn't believe how big it was from the inside.

"Come upstairs, I want to show you our bedroom."

_Our _bedroom. The words rang loud and clear. I picked up my speed, rushing myself up the stairs, almost stumbling over my excitement.

"Steady, Bella." Edward laughed from behind me as I reached the top.

It was so adorable; a small landing with a small plant pot, creamy white carpet and two doors leading off.

"Which one's the bedroom?"

His eyes shone with mischief and I loved it. "Guess."

I burst forward, letting go of Edward's hand and throwing open the door to the left. I'd used my instinct – the left side of the house was bigger.

I was right; large ceiling, wide room, wooden floor, and deep red curtains shouldering the huge window that looked out to the nature surrounding me. The bed was… incredible – four poster bed, white drapes, irresistible ashen bedcovers and a whole array of cushion sizes and shapes.

"Edward!" I gasped, my breath stolen by the amazing room. I ran forwards and dived onto the bed.

A cloud of cushions flew up as I bounced, grabbing the bedcovers around me and messing up the neat arrangement.

"Come on, Edward," I called.

I couldn't be any happier as Edward walked over to me, a smouldering grin on his face that reached his eyes, a walk that teased me in so many ways. I stopped moving on the bed, just waiting for him to lie next to me.

"You like the bed?"

"Edward, I_ love_ the bed."

He crawled over to me on his hands and knees, the bed dipping under his weight when he got close to me. I put my arms on his, trying to get him to collapse on top of me but my attempts didn't have any affect.

When my lips threatened to pout, Edward finally succumbed, gently lowering himself next to me. I wrapped myself up in him, covering us up in the bedcovers and pulling myself into his coolness.

"We're here, Edward." I sighed happily into his chest. "We're finally here."

"You like it?

"I _love _it. It's perfect!"

"I have something else I want to show you…"

"What?" I questioned warily. Only then did I look around the room; there were two oversized chest of drawers too in the far corner and a small arm chair.

"The other room?"

My mind instantly wondered to the bath or the shower that'd be waiting there.

"Just come on…" Edward tugged my hand and I slipped out of the bed with ease.

Leading me through the door and onto the landing, I could feel more excitement building. If Edward was this thrilled about a _bathroom, _it made me think of all the possible things we could do in a bathroom. I felt my cheeks burn.

Only, when Edward opened the door, I felt myself physically take a step backwards. In some ways, this was so much better than the bedroom.

Bookshelves lined the walls of the room, books piled high on each shelf, the author and title of the books bursting off the spine and calling me to read. In the corner, there was a pile of beanbags.

My mind stopped for a second, thinking back to the time I sat on a beanbag, talking about the time Edward had left me. I stared at them for a moment, feeling the smile drip off my face before turning around. I had to get over it. I already was over it, I decided, as my mind turned to the baby grand in the corner.

"So we can be together; you can read. I can play…"

"Maybe you can teach me?" I suggested, taking a step towards the beautiful instrument where I could imagine Edward playing endlessly all day.

"That sounds good." Edward smiled. "I thought you could put Charlie's laptop here…?"

He pointed to the desk that was in the opposite corner to the piano. There was a table lamp and a desk chair, waiting for the laptop to complete the set.

"I know you want to keep in touch with them…"

I nodded slowly, imagining myself in months to come, writing emails to the father who would be wondering about my progress at university and all I could give him was lies; to Angela, you returned my happiness with news of her and Ben. Perhaps Jacob would write too… if I was lucky.

"I was going to unpack now… do you want to explore a little more?"

"I can help unpack," I protested.

"Bella, it'll take so much longer if you help. It'll take me ten minutes, at most."

"Well, wait till I'm a vampire – then we'll unpack."

"Unpacking really won't be on your mind, Bella."

I frowned at Edward, scowling with as much distaste as I could muster.

"If you don't want my help, all you have to do is say."

"Maybe you could look at the books?"

"Where's the bathroom?" I asked suddenly. "I thought this was it… obviously not."

"It's only an ensuite; I didn't think we'd need one. It's off the bedroom."

Edward pointed me through the bedroom and led me into the bathroom. Although the rest of the cottage had a cosy feel, the bathroom was very modern; snow white bath tub, toilet and sink with pale laminate floor and bubble bath accessories. It was only small.

"I'll freshen up then." I shrugged, pushing Edward out of the room.

"Ten minutes, fifteen, tops."

"I believe you," I said with false annoyance, blowing him a kiss before shutting myself back into the bathroom.

I needed to collect my thoughts. So much, so fast, all at once. I didn't know how to handle it, how to sort through everything and categorise them into appropriate places in my mind. I'd said goodbye to Charlie. I couldn't change that now, not that I wanted to. I was here, in England, with Edward, in _our _cottage, together, alone. Soon, very soon, I'd be changing.

I rushed over to the sink, running water into the basin and splashing the cool water onto my face. It was fresh and cool, catching my breath and causing me to gasp. Letting each water droplet drip down my face, I stared into the mirror positioned in front of me.

This was it. This was my home that I shared with Edward.

I still couldn't get my head around that fact.

Drying my face, I took one last look in the mirror. I knew I wouldn't exactly be caring about my appearance over the next three days. I peeled down my turtle neck jumper to peek at my tattoo; it was still there, looking as loyal as ever. I grinned at the thought.

I opened the door and walked over to the bed. I'd been in the bathroom for no more than five minutes and the suitcases were already scattered empty on the bedroom floor. One drawer was open and I saw our underwear mixing together. It looked and felt so right.

I straightened the bedcovers, remaking the mess that I'd made. I positioned the cushions so when I lay down on them, they'd keep me elevated. I wanted to watch Edward; I'd need to be able to feel him.

He was soundless as he worked. I tried to listen for a clue as to where he was but I couldn't hear anything. Not a creak, a whisper, or a thud – my silent angel.

I lay down, taking deep breaths. I didn't wait for much longer before Edward walked back into the room. He looked worried, so scared. His eyes held immense depth and fear. I beckoned him over to me but he shook his head.

"I know what you want to do now…" he said slowly, a whisper. "Will you… will you wear the ring now?"

My brow furrowed for only a minute before I realised what Edward was asking of me. How could I refuse? It seemed now, now that the reality was here with no boundaries to hold us back; I wanted to wear his mother's ring. I wanted to be officially engaged to Edward.

"I want to." My voice was firm. The nerves were radiating off Edward in a way I don't think I'd ever seen before. Was it possible for a vampire to tremble?

"You do?" He seemed surprised.

"I love you. Of course I do."

Edward seemed to take the information in gulps of disbelief. When I smiled at him, giving him the reassurance he needed, his hand crept gingerly into his pocket to pull out the ring. He'd obviously been waiting for this.

His face lit up when he opened the box, revealing the beautiful ring. The diamonds glistened in my eye.

"Will you marry me, Bella?"

"You already know that the answer is completely, one hundred percent yes."

Grinning, he leaned forwards to press a gentle, passionate kiss to my lips. His hand reached out to take the ring from the box, sliding the cool metal onto my engagement finger. The ring was heavy but it felt right there.

Once the ring was on my finger, I held it up. Edward's face radiated the happiness I felt for several seconds before falling into the depths of anxiety.

"What's the matter?" I asked him. I reached out to him, tracing his jaw line with my shaking finger.

"If I hurt you, Bella…"

"You won't," I soothed, whispering calm assurances.

"You don't know that."

"I do. I do, because I trust you. I know you love me, Edward."

"I do, I love you so much." He looked so weak and in pain beside me.

"I'm ready, Edward. I've chosen my life, I want to be start living it. I want to be able to run through those fields with you, as fast as we can. I want to climb those trees and hunt. I want to be able to run to Scotland and back with you in a day, just because we can, because we want to. I want to be lying here, feeling you next to me, feeling you inside of me, Edward." My cheeks burned, and Edward looked sheepish as he stared at my eyes. I wondered if he was thinking the same.

"I want that. I want that too."

"Are you ready? Is there anything… anything I can do to make it easier?"

He shook his head, as if he was fighting off so many demons. "I think I'm ready. Are you comfortable?"

I shuffled into the bed, wiggling so the bed moved beneath me and I settled into the welcoming mattress. I smiled in agreement.

"Where?" Edward turned so he was kneeling beside me, leaning over me. His breath washed over my face, so powerful and alluring. I just wanted to kiss him, ravish him and never let go. "Where shall I…?"

My voice went weak. It was happening. "My neck?" I brought my hand up to rub where my tattoo was. Edward's name permanently engraved into my skin forever, just like his imprint of my life, just like my love for him will never falter.

"Your jumper," Edward said, almost grumbled as he fiddled with fabric.

Taking a deep breath, I reached down and pulled the jumper over my head. It just left me with a small tank top. I'd prepared for this moment.

"We belong together," I promised him, trying to give him strength through my words.

His lips met mine, powerful and passionate, trailing along my jaw bone and coming to my neck. I heard the intake of breath. When his fingers came up to trace the pattern of his name, I knew he'd found it.

"What's this?" he asked weakly, his voice so fragile and unsure.

"I love you, Edward," was all I said; it was the only explanation I could give.

"I don't u-"

"I belong to you so completely." I felt the trickle of a tear down my cheek. This was how I wanted it to be. No Carlisle or Emmett behind the door, waiting for it to go wrong. This was perfect, the two of us together, caught up in the emotion of everything. "Do you like it?"

Edward merely nodded with his eyelids heavy. "I do. I – thank you."

"I'm ready, Edward. I love you."

"I won't leave your side. I promise you, I'll be right here. I won't let you suffer alone." More tears flooded from my eyes. I didn't want him to suffer with me. I didn't want him to…

"Don't worry. Just three days…" I prepared myself for the pain to come. "I'm ready."

I felt Edward's lips pressing against the tattoo of his name. He seemed too overwhelmed to say much else about it, but I was so pleased I'd actually had it done.

"Together…" he said breathily in my ear. "I love you so much."

His voice broke on that last word.

Then I felt it.

Edward's teeth pierced my neck and I screamed out in agony. I tried to hold it back, fought against the natural instinct to yell out and beg for the pain to stop.

It was so hot, so burning. I felt it, pulsing its way through my body. It was scorching, lava, flowing. Pain.

My eyes blurred. I couldn't see Edward anymore. The weight of the pain crushed my body, pressing against my heart and head. It was suffocating.

"I'm here, I'm here."

I heard Edward speak. He'd done it. He'd managed to stop.

I was so proud, so proud of him. He'd done it. I was so proud.

But the pain… the agony, the fire. It was spreading quicker than the fastest wild fire, quicker that any vampire speed could manage. I felt his venom and I was so proud.

I tried to find a place in my mind that wasn't burning. I tried to focus on Edward's face but it was blurred and smoking.

For Edward… for me… for us, together.

He'd done it. We'd done it, together.

"I'm here, Bella, love. I'm so sorry."

I bit back another scream. I didn't want Edward to be sorry.

This was what I wanted.

Edward and I together… a better life… an equal life.

Because I loved him. He loved me. We belonged together.

That was all that matter. Not the fire, not the pain.

All that mattered was the life I'd been promised.

I kept as silent as I could, biting back each powerful flame, because I had the promise of forever with Edward.

* * *

_That's that!_

_Can you believe it? I'm struggling to believe I managed to finish the story. An entire 32 chapters! _

_There will still be an epilogue and you won't be waiting long. Perhaps a week, at most?_

_Please review with your thoughts! I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter, and the story as a whole._

_Thank you so much for reading! xx_


	33. Epilogue

_I don't want to waffle but it's pretty inevitable! I want to say it now so the story ends as the story ends, not with me rambling on to you. _

_First quick, if you like my story 'Her Sunshine Smile', then perhaps you could vote for it in the Novel Novice Twilight competition? You can find that on my profile :)_

_Second of all, thank you very much for all of your support! I really can't explain how much it means for me to hear how much you've loved reading the story. I've loved writing it, too. I can't believe it's over after all this time._

_It took me several attempts to write this epilogue. I guess I could still re-write it several times... but this is okay. I feel happy about this now. It's finally come to an end and I'm pleased with how it's ended._

_If you have any questions, anything you want to know about the story, then please ask! There was so much information I wanted to include but then the epilogue would ramble for ages (like me, now) and I didn't want that. It's long enough as it is. I do have answers for your questions :)_

_I'll leave you to read it now! Thank you so much, yet again, and I hope you like it enough for let me know what you think :)_

_Thanks for reading! xx_

* * *

I lie in the heap of bed covers, freshly washed, on our new bed. It's rather comfy, completely unnecessary but one of my favourite places to lie.

Already, after only a week of living in this upbeat condo, I love where the bed is situated. I can see everything from the bed. There's a glass wall that looks out into the living area where Edward's piano is standing proudly and my books surround the rest of the room. In the far corner, I can see my easel – I like painting now. Edward's music inspires me; I let the notes move my hand. With vampirism has come some artistic talent.

I can hear Edward in the shower. The scent of our shower gel, apple and kiwi, drifts into the bedroom through the ajar door. He is humming to himself, a new song, a song that he wrote during my recovery from the transformation. During these beginning years, when I find myself fighting the blood lust, if ever I stumble across a human in a moment of weakness, I find my strength in that song; in Edward and the support he gave me. If ever I have to run away quickly, that's the song powering my inhumanely fast legs.

I turn to glance out of the window. The day is dark, cloudy, the vapour hanging in the sky like a crooked picture frame tainting the lives of the humans in the city. For me, however, I love the clouds. It still surprises me how much my views on the weather have changed, morphing from my need of sunlight to being the complete opposite. Privately, though, I love the sunshine. It's my dream come true.

I remember the first time I saw my skin glisten, sparkle in the way that my human eyes had never truly witnessed. Edward looked only more insanely handsome and attractive. For once, I could place myself in that same category.

We made love in that field with the sunshine. Not for the first time, but it was just as magical. The melody of our love making was as sweet as that very first time, only heightened by the intensity the sun rays added to the experience.

Of course, I had to marry Edward first.

One of the hardest things, even harder than resisting the incredible burn of my throat, was resisting Edward. Not only did I have to wait to be married, but Edward and I both decided we wanted our family around us when it happened.

When the Cullen's finally came over to England, we wed in an old English chapel, our family and the vicar alone. My dress was simple, white and held the elegancy of a supernatural angel. Rosalie the musician, Emmett the best man, Alice my bridesmaid and Carlisle the one who gave me away; it was all very cosy and as perfect as it could have been without Charlie and Renée to give me their blessing.

I can see the Eiffel tower in the distance. It amazes me, even now, after almost four years, how well my senses are. It was overwhelming the first time I opened my eyes, the dust particles of the room polluting my view of Edward. In time, I've learned how to filter those particles out. Still, though, I can see the most pin-prick of things. Like the Eiffel tower, now. It must only be half a centimetre in size but I can make out the structure of the tower as clearly as I would if I am standing beneath it.

The water hasn't stopped. A minute ago, I was showering with him but I had to get out. Otherwise, we would spend all day under the shower head, letting the flow of the water create a tempo to which we would explore each others bodies.

I listen as the water is shut off and the soft pads of Edward's feet make contact with the wooden bathroom floor, the material of the fluffy white towel that he rubs over his torso and ties to rest on his hips.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm ready to go out today."

Edward's body appears in the doorway. His hair is glistening with the drops of water, magnifying the colours of each strand of hair. His lips twist into a smile, his eyes twinkling with pride.

"Are you sure?"

"I want to see the city…"

I am still uncertain about being amongst humans. I haven't had much practice coping with the scent of their blood clinging to my nostrils, blocking my throat and manipulating my mind until all I think about is the delicious scent. I am so scared of what will happen if I am ever to slip, I prefer to stay away from civilisation.

Only when I say do we venture out into the human world, preferring our own bubble of company anyway.

"It's a good day for it," Edward tells me, glancing out of the window before his eyes come to rest on my body. I'm only wearing my underwear, not bothering to dress after my shower. "Alice told me it will be like this for the next few days."

"It won't take me long to get dressed," I mumble quietly, pushing myself off the bed and making my way over to our cupboard.

We don't have separate cupboards anymore. It isn't as if we don't have the space, our bedroom is rather large, but I like having my clothes mixed in with Edwards. On occasion, I will throw one of Edward's shirts on just for comfort.

"Where would you like to go?"

"Somewhere normal." I grin widely, changing direction to stand next to him. I press my hands against his bare chest, slowly moving them up to grip his shoulders tightly. "I'm in that mood again… I want to show you off to the world."

"And you're feeling okay?"

"We only hunted three hours ago. I should be fine."

"_I _know you'll be fine. _You_, on the other hand, still have some trust issues with yourself."

"Come on," I say, giving him a playful smack on the arm. "I wanna go out to play!"

I dress quickly, choosing the ever wonderful choice of jeans and a tee-shirt. I'm no longer worried about my tattoo; it's still visible and Edward has told me on many occasions how adorable and sexy he finds it.

After dressing, I glance at Edward who is still drying his body. He's moving at a human speed whereas I often take advantage of this new found pace that, for so long was a blur. It is almost ironic how an immortal being has the speed to fit so much more into the never-ending life.

"Are you going to call Charlie tonight?" he asks me from the bedroom as I walk into the living room. I sit at the small dining table which houses my laptop and a lamp.

"Not tonight. I only called him three days ago."

Flicking the power of my laptop on, I smile as the electronics buzz to life and the light shines in my eyes.

Edward laughs from the bedroom, musical, beautiful, and almost mocking. I look up to see his wide grin staring at me through the glass wall. He's only wearing his boxer shorts, shuffling through the cupboard for the rest of his outfit.

"You don't have to call him on rota!"

It is easier that way, to call him on rota. I email him too in the gaps in between to keep him up to date with the things I'm doing and listening to the stories of Forks.

"There's only so much I can say!"

That is true. We both know how little Charlie says, minimalist chat that makes emails so much more efficient. Besides, the time difference between Paris and Washington meant, for a very long time, that he was missing out on sleep (or I supposedly was).

"Bella, you could say _anything _and he'd listen, just thankful you'd call."

"You know I don't like lying."

"I know you _can't._"

"Can I please remind you of your name written on my neck?"

"There is no need to remind me, love. Believe me; I haven't forgotten the past however many times you've told me about your surprise."

"Yeah, well…"

I stifle a laugh and hold up my fist in an attempt to playfully fight him. He stands there, just staring through the glass at me as I click onto my emails.

Two new messages flash up:

Angela and Jacob, both provide me with comfort. Charlie obviously has not looked at the computer yet. Renée emails but with a terrible infrequency that makes it a random but pleasant surprise.

"Any new messages?"

"Ange and Jake," I call back to him, sparing him a quick look. He's finally wearing a pair of smart jeans. Sometimes, he's worse than me although, many a time, I've seen him staring at me when he's supposed to be dressing.

"Oh?"

"Jake's just rambling on about a new engine he's doing up. I'm actually beginning to understand some of it… He sends his love."

"Really?"

I let out a burst of laughter. "No, but he does say hi."

I hear Edward chuckling to himself as I switch onto Angela's email. She graduated from University, her and Ben. Eventually, I had to announce that I'd dropped out of Oxford. If I didn't, people would only have expected an invite sooner or later. Charlie flipped at first, but soon grew used to the idea. I think he was more upset that I didn't go home afterwards… choosing to travel the world instead.

"And Angela?"

"Is just telling me about a new movie that's out over there, really good apparently. It was her first night out in a while, what with Abigail being ill."

Edward hums in agreement, and I watch him slip on a jacket. He comes out to the living area and walks over to me, glancing at the computer screen.

"So Abigail is much better then?"

Abigail is Angela and Ben's thirteen month old daughter. At eight months old, she fell ill with meningitis. It was horrible to listen to Angela's distress, reading the words that had the potential to bring tears to anybodies eyes. Thankfully, she got better but Angela had grown even more attached to her daughter. I wish I had been available to help out.

"Appears to be."

I type out a fast response to both Angela and Jacob. I also send a quick message to Charlie, just a few lines to let him know I'm well and going into Paris today. After ensuring him I'll be careful, I log off and switch the laptop off.

"I can't imagine being that helpless," I say to Edward, thinking about Abigail.

"I can."

I spin to see Edward shuffling through the drawer to find his wallet. I made so much mess in this apartment. Sure, it is clean, very hygienic but I leave my things scattered about everywhere, books and paints in the far corner a perfect example.

"Many a time," he elaborates, giving a sideways smile. "In the ballet studio, and when you were changing."

I remember that time so well. The pain I remember is excruciating but its Edward I remember most. He didn't leave my side, not once. He didn't leave to hunt, to call his family, to read or play the piano. He didn't leave me to bathe or change. Sitting beside me on the bed, watching me as I thrashed about recklessly, he didn't move once. Always whispering words of encouragement and holding my hand in comfort.

"But it was worth it though, surely?"

"Most definitely, although it didn't make it any easier at the time."

I shrug, trying to forget that time. In some respects, my memories are blurry. Specifics can't be made out, even if I try and force them to come. Edward has had to forge some of my memories, recreating a time that has frayed at the edges.

"Come on!" I say lightly, grabbing my cardigan from the coat stand, thinking of those humans whose minds tend to query my dress sense in such weather. "For saying you're a vampire, you're going awfully slowly!"

"I don't want to rush through things…" He smiles and holds out his hand for me to take. I rest it in his palm, feeling the warmth there. I like how Edward feels warm to me now, cosy; it means we're finally the same temperature.

"Come on, Edward. Unless you want to stay in and do the laundry or something boring."

"No, going out is fine."

"Fine, ugh! Don't say that." I grin widely, watching his face when he realises I mimicked him. He always gets at me for saying 'fine'. I don't know why he hates it so much, but it definitely bugs him. Our first full blown argument was about that word.

"Going out is wonderful, magnificent, truly spiffing. Can we go now?"

I yank his hand, pulling him out of our condo. We live separate from the rest of Paris' civilisation. Although our apartment is kind of small, we have a large closed off piece of land to keep us at a distance from the humans.

Edward starts to run, not bothering to lock the door. No one will get past the iron gates anyway.

"Just look at that…" I say, seeing Edward turn to see what I am seeing.

"What?"

"The house, our house."

It is nothing like our original cottage but I wouldn't change anything about it. I love both, the differences, the fact it is _ours_.

"It's more of an apartment…"

"Do you have to correct me? It's ours, either way."

"I love the way you say that."

"What?"

"Ours."

"Well, it is, isn't it?"

"That's what it says on the deed."

I pull myself round so I'm pressing against Edward. I let my hands wander over his chest, feeling his muscles under my palms.

"I love you," I whisper into his chest. "Then, now, always."

"Are you _sure _you want to go out today?" Edward's voice is slightly husky, croaking into the top of my head. I'm holding onto him tightly.

"I'm not so bothered now. We could… go lie down over there?"

I point carelessly with my finger over to the shade. We have trees on our land, large trees with giant leaves, shading us with its beautiful canopy and protecting us from the outside world. It is so much better this way.

Edward pulls me over quickly. There are times when I truly believe Edward loses some of his gentlemanly reserve now I'm not so fragile. Of course, he's always thoughtful and selfless but… he goes about his attitude in a different way.

I love it.

As Edward lies down, he directs me onto him. When I lie against him, there's a sense of coming home. No, it's not. I'm already home. Every part of my life, when I'm beside Edward, is as perfect as it can get.

"You look beautiful today."

"My hairs still a little damp," I say quietly.

"Every day, I look at you and ask myself how I got so lucky. How did it come to be that you love me?"

Leaning forwards, I press my lips against him. They're no longer cold, but warm. They hold the heat of our passion, as raw as it was that very first time. Somewhere down the line, we had to form some kind of life outside of the bedroom.

It is just too easy to get wrapped up in Edward.

"I ask myself what did I do to deserve this happiness."

"If ever there's a moment when you're not happy, Bella, you need to say. I don't ever want something… in this, with us, to go wrong."

I bite my lip, feeling the impression of my teeth against my lip. Edward's hand runs up my arm. If I am human, my heart would beat incredibly fast at the touch. Instead, my head seems to form incoherent thoughts.

"I don't think it's possible. I know what our life is going to be like," I say firmly. My kiss assures him that I'm right, passionate, strong, leaving him almost breathless.

"Oh?"

"It's going to be like this." I touch his cheek tenderly, lovingly. "And this." My lips press against his deeply and I feel the flicker of Edward's tongue; no restrictions now. "And I'm going to be able to look into your eyes, every single day of forever, and be able to tell you I love you. I will smile each morning and each night, and every minute in between."

Edward's fingers touch my tattoo, fingering the ink line gently. I realise, with my vampire senses, you can feel the slight raise in skin on my neck.

"For every single day of forever," Edward agrees.

I look up at him and roll so I'm lying next to him. Half the day has already passed and we've only just made it to outside our front door.

"_Did _you want to go and see the city?"

"Perhaps it'd be a good idea," I weigh up aloud. If I don't, maybe we'll be stuck in the house for a few days. It's surely not healthy to be so passionate and lusting towards Edward all the time.

"Where would you like to go?"

"The Eiffel Tower? Ooh! I'd love to see the Eiffel Tower! Imagine the view of the city!" I grin widely at the possibility and bounce upwards. Holding out my hand, I help Edwards stand upright.

"Paris is _supposed_ to be the most romantic city."

"Supposed to be?" I ask, frowning. "Don't you agree?"

"Well, quite frankly, my romance is wherever I am with you."

He takes my hand and we walk forwards. There are trees around us, clouds above us. My steps are quicker than a human but a lot slower than the pace I could reach if I were to try. It's peaceful, relaxed. This is the way it's always going to be.

Laughs, smiles, happiness and passion. My perfect piece of forever.

This is the way it's always going to be.

~x~


	34. Outtake: Seeing Bella

_Long time, no speak - I know :) Here is an outtake I just randomly thought up. There won't be much of a pattern to these updates but maybe I'll post a couple. We'll see. Depends how much time I have and when I can think of things!_

* * *

"Alice? Alice?"

Jasper's voice hits me suddenly, making me turn to face him. By the pure expression of worry on his face, I know he's felt every ripple of fear, regret and anxiety that's rolling off me. His blond curls were framing his face, falling in scattered frays.

"Alice?"

I try to smile but I'm not sure whether I can manage it. I take his hand, offering him a small piece of comfort, but Jasper knows me well enough after all of these years that it's pointless even trying to console him. Especially Jasper; he knows exactly what I'm feeling.

"It's Bella," I whisper, scared that Esme and Carlisle would hear and panic would spread. Luckily, Edward wasn't here to delve into my mind. He was too busy gallivanting and self-loathing in that mindless puddle of pity.

Jasper's voice panicked even more. "Is she okay?"

"I… She's been put into hospital."

I see her clearly in my head, brown messy locks, fragile frame, arguing with Charlie. She doesn't fight after long though; she gives in and I watch her cry herself to sleep on the first night. I can still hear the sound of her sobs, see her red eyes, even when I close my eyes.

My face frowns naturally as Jasper gives my hand an encouraging squeeze.

"She isn't any better then?"

"Obviously. Charlie's given up on her!"

"Now, now, Alice, you know that won't be true…"

I grimace, thinking of the pain we have caused her. Jasper blames himself; it took him a very long time to even make eye contact with the rest of the family. Even now, he tries to distance himself from the obvious pity that Esme conveys.

"She's in _hospital_, Jazz. Being treated for depression! What have we done to her?"

Although Jasper flinches, he knows I'm not referring to the incident. He knows perfectly well that I'm referring to Edward's inane decision to evacuate us from the town, as if everyone's lives were in great danger.

"I bet Charlie just doesn't know how to deal with it… It must be awful hard."

"I can see her Jasper. I can see her. It's so much different being there. She needs her home."

Jasper shakes his head, just as Carlisle walks into our living room. He pulls a sympathetic smile, telling me he's obviously heard us talking. There's that glistening in his eyes, the charm and sparkle that so many love. It's a sign of mischief, it makes him look even younger.

"I know where this is going, Alice," Carlisle says, coming to sit on the opposite chair with a delicate sigh. Esme follows him and sits beside him. Their hands interlock.

"You're not the psychic one, Carlisle."

"I know." His eyes twinkle, nodding his head slowly. "But I know you and the thought process you're going through. It's a bad idea."

"What _is _my idea?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Jasper smirk. Vampires aren't dumb creatures, and yet I'm pretending dumb for Bella's welfare. She needs help and assistance and comfort that she's obviously not receiving. She needs familiarity and family, and yet we abandoned her.

"As much as I can understand your point, and I _do _understand, Alice, we agreed with Edward and we're staying out of things."

"You didn't see her!"

"Alice." He says my name firmly. Jasper sighs and leans back into the sofa, although the grip on my hand never falters. "I don't need to see Bella's condition. The mere thought of Bella suffering is unpleasant on us all. But I will not go back on my word without Edward's permission. As much as we love her too, the decision lies with Edward."

I purse my lips, trying to stop the argument from erupting off my lips. It's not a lie that the angry words would fall all too easily; I've been watching her for months and it's been a near torture.

"Esme agrees with me," I say defensively.

"Esme is impartial."

I narrow my eyes at Carlisle sitting there, defending the miserable effect our absence is having on my sister. "I'm not happy," I say stubbornly.

I drop Jasper's hand and stand up. "You're the lucky ones. You don't have to watch her cry."

Carlisle almost seems shocked for a moment, digesting the words I threw at him. Defenceless, he just seemed to nod politely and agree with me.

This only rifled me more. "I won't go to her. For now."

Leaving both Carlisle and Jasper behind, the united duo, I storm upstairs acting like the seventeen year old girl I'm supposed to be.

For many reasons, the decision Edward made when deciding to leave Bella and the town of Forks put the whole family into a temporary upheaval. It pushed us apart, until everybody found only awkward silences and agitation in a place that had, for so long, been a happy and content place to live.

Esme took it the hardest, I think. Although I missed my siblings, Esme missed her children. Edward wasn't there and the contact between him and the rest of the family had been so hindered, we worried about his safety and well being.

Rosalie and Emmett were off gallivanting, but the impact this held on the family was normal. There have been many occasions in our lives where Rosalie and Emmett have separated themselves from the family temporarily, to spend time by themselves. Guaranteed, none of them had been brought on by Edward's selfish decision to cut himself off from the girl he loves.

Bella. My sister, my best friend.

Utterly devastating to leave her behind without even an explanation or even a hug goodbye; I feel for her, and I hate myself for letting Edward call all the decisions.

"I told you!" I call into the dimly lit house with a sense of false-pride. I wish I wasn't right, I wish I hadn't been able to predict this. "I _knew _this would happen!"

I slam my sketch book onto the dining room table and hurry into the living room. Jasper is there, reading his science fiction novel which he quickly discard when seeing my dishevelled face.

"What?" He stands up, worried.

"It's Bella. She was… she was fine, she was talking on the phone. And then she went. She's disappeared. It just went blank!" I can't talk quick enough. There aren't words to describe the fear I;m feeling, although I know Jasper is feeling is just as much. He seems to grimace at the emotions, reaching out to rest a stable hand on my shoulder.

"_Carlisle!"_ I screech up stairs, and hear him hurry down the stairs. Esme appears behind him, as they walk together into the dining room, confusion etched into their features.

"I'm going. I don't care what you say. She's not safe, something isn't _right!"_

Jasper reaches up to my face and runs a gentle hand against the side of my cheek. Carefully brushing a hair out of my face, he sends me his love and calmness, which allows me to relax – but only momentarily.

"Well?"

Esme is frowning, her bottom lip near to trembling. I can see the sadness in her eyes, her third daughter's safety uncertain as I try to see her. But she's gone. I push my mind; force myself to see with as much effort as I can muster. But she's gone.

"Edward told us to leave her alone…" Esme murmurs quietly, shooting me a pained expression. Just as I am about to open my mouth to argue, she raises her hand to silence me. "_But _this is Bella's safety. I agree, you need to help her. Do you agree Carlisle?"

He weighs this up for several moments, the calculations and scales in his head tilting back and forth between yes and no. Finally, when his head gives a reluctant nod, I know I have to leave as soon as we can.

My mind has never failed me before. It only scares me more when I cannot push myself to see packs our bags hurriedly, shoving clothes without much organisation into two handhold bags. We can sort out finer details at a later date; our old home will be waiting for us.

Jasper drives, because I'm focusing on Bella. I try to think what could have damaged my channel to her but I come up dry.

It's not until we're half way to Forks when the image of her comes back into focus. Faintly, I could make out a piece of paper that she was reading, red eyes, a scowl on her face.

I don't tell Jasper that Bella appears to be okay. I think he knows, from the sense of relief that washes over me like a cool shower on a warm day (for a human, anyway). If we turn back now, I'll be back to square one.

At least when we're back in Forks, I can prepare myself to be ready for Bella if ever she needs me. Something tells me I won't be waiting long.

* * *

_The blank part in Alice's mind is when Jacob goes to visit Bella in hospital, in case you didn't figure :)_


	35. Outtake: A Mother's Woe

_Here's the second outtake, about when Edward returns back to see Esme and Carlisle. Sorry it isn't particularly long, but at least it's something. These are purely random and there won't be any pattern to the outtakes, but at least you might catch snippets of them now and again :)_

* * *

The house feels particularly lonely. There's too much space, so much so that it only allows me to dwell on the emptiness and the quietness that spreads itself thickly around me.

If I close my eyes, all I can see is blackness because there aren't any sounds or new scents to distract me from myself. It's been a very long time since the silence has hurt me like now. It's been a very long time since all my children have disappeared from me.

Opening my eyes, I look around the room. The television is switched off, the game controllers neatly wrapped in the wicker basket, all too neatly for the Cullen household. There isn't any bickering, any music. There isn't the sound of pages being turned. Right now, I'd even welcome the sound of their beds creaking against the wall.

I've cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen, wiped the downstairs windows, hovered up the minimal mess in the hallway and prepared meals that I'll drop down to the homeless centre when Carlisle gets home.

I've finished reading my novel and straightened the books in Carlisle's library. There isn't another blurb that remotely interests me. I've called Rosalie to inquire about their travels and had a quick conversation with Emmett before he said hurried goodbyes. Alice's phone is busy, but I managed to speak to her yesterday.

Bella is getting better, at least. There's the possibility of her returning home soon, after so long in such a traumatic situation. My heart goes out to her each and every time. What I'd give to return back to her, and have my children around me again.

I've watched my favourite movie three times over and taken a trip to the mall for a new outfit. I've tried to mimic the sounds that Edward made from the piano, finding the sheets of music that had filled my house with beautiful notes. I've stood in the garage, the smell of oil and metal surrounding me to remember the scent of Rosalie after she returns from her latest fix-up. I've rang Jasper's answer phone so many times to hear his accent telling me he isn't available and to leave my number so he can get back to me.

Get back to me. I wish they would.

I close my eyes and try to smile, counting the seconds when Carlisle will return from the hospital to keep my company. I pray he won't be late.

We're upstairs, lying on the bed and playing a word game. Carlisle's hand doesn't leave my stomach, just a touch to let me know he's there; he knows how hard this is for me. Sometimes, his other hand comes to tickle my neck and I'll let out a giggle. I haven't really felt the need to laugh since Alice and Jasper left to help Bella.

Then we both hear something.

Our reactions are the same, sitting up instantly and narrowing our eyes. We don't need to be telepathic to speak without words – glances or touches seem to do the job perfectly after knowing each other for such a long time.

"It's…" Carlisle doesn't say the name but I can smell him too. I would remember that scent forever, my first son.

"Edward," I say breathily. I jump up and rush down the stairs, Carlisle only a centimetre behind me.

I want to hug him, spring myself forward and wrap my arms around his body so tightly that he'll never be able to leave me again. I want to tell him that I've been worried sick about him, that he's torn the family apart. But the last thing I want is to scare him off. Sensing this, Carlisle rests a hand on my arm, reminding me to let him adapt to seeing us again.

His clothes are wet, his hair dirty. There are specks of mud on both his clothes and his face, a leaf in his hair. His shoes are scuffed and muddy, and I can smell the undeniably scent of stale blood, which I identify is coming from a small stain on the bottom of his jacket.

"Edward," I say steadily. "How are you? Why don't we sit down?"

He shakes his head, his eyes narrowing as he looks me up and down.

"Where's everybody else?"

I go to open my mouth but Carlisle beats me to it. I thank him, knowing it'll be harder for me to hide the truth.

"They all decided they wanted some time alone."

Edward's eyes narrow further. "You're lying. You're hiding something."

For a single moment, my mind jumps to Bella. It's involuntary, completely breaking its way through the defences that I'd assembled for the protection of everybody.

"No." Edward hisses the word. He takes a step forwards, the strength in his step wavering in a way that indicates the pain I've put him under. All I can think is that I've scared him away already – and I haven't even had time to give him a hug and wash his clothes.

"Son, it's not quite what you think…" Carlisle says, moving in front of me and waving his hands to lead Edward to a seat but Edward shrugs off Carlisle's attempts.

"Tell me the truth," he demands. I hate the pain and desperation in his voice.

"No, no. Forget it, I'm not supposed to s-"

"Esme, _please _don't lie to me. Not where… she's concerned."

His eyes narrow again and he shakes his head. Raising my arm, I make the gesture to gently touch his arm. Relief floods over me when he allows me to rest my hand there, feeling the gritty mud on his sleeve.

"Edward…" I sigh heavily. How can I tell him this? He's already so broken and this may push him over the edge. To see him break even more would be so painful, to the both of us. "Bella's not quite been herself lately."

Turning to look directly into my eyes, I can see the exact shade of them. Somewhere buried in the dark depths, there's an element of the golden colour I'm so used to. I can tell he's in pain. He's not been taking care of himself, not hunting as it's needed.

"How do you mean?" he croaks.

"Charlie thought – Charlie thought it'd help her if she saw somebody. So he moved her to an adolescent unit in Seattle where's she treated for d-"

"Don't," Edward interrupts.

"Don't what, honey?"

"Don't say it. Don't make excuses. She just couldn't stay away, could she? Alice? Had to make it difficult for Bella, didn't she?" He gulps and shakes his head. Running his hand through his hair, he turns to Carlisle, awaiting confirmation, truth and honesty that he obviously doesn't feel I've given him.

I've been brushed aside in this moment. It hurts, to have my arm shrugged off and my words dismissed as lies. But I can understand how agonising it is for him. My son, I can understand that he thinks we've betrayed him.

"Esme's right, son."

Edward inhales and exhales deeply, loudly. He springs backwards and buries his head in his hands. I don't know what to say, trying to look at Carlisle for some assistance.

"I told you, I told you all." Every syllable echoes with confusion and unfaithfulness. I could understand. We'd promised him we would stay away – but Bella needed help. I couldn't pretend that I disagreed with Alice intervening.

"I have to go." He swings around to head for the door but my hand reaches out to grab his arm. It is enough to make him look at me, for one moment, to be able to grab his attention and I force my thoughts upon him.

_I love you, Edward. Be careful, stay safe. Alice was only trying to help. We all were._

He doesn't react to my thoughts. Maybe he doesn't hear them properly. It is possible that he's blocked me out of his mind completely now. Is he going to hate us all forever?

"I don't hate you."

It's the only assurance he gives me before he flees out the door. I stand and watch the empty space. On the floor are the prints of his shoes, the mud making a pattern.

I don't clean it up straight away. Instead, I sit on the couch with Carlisle and stare at the footprints. It's the only proof I have that my son is okay, maybe not happy but at least alive. It's a mother's basic plea; for her son to be safe.


	36. Outtake: Reunion

_Finding time to write at the moment has been really difficult - but when the inspiration came for this, I couldn't stop myself from writing it. I hope you're all okay :)_

_This is chapter 14 from Edward's point of view; his side of the story when he comes back to the Cullen home and confronts Alice about her interference with Bella, only to get reunited with her. It was requested in a review a while ago but I've only got round to writing it now. _

_I hope you enjoy it and, as always, your thoughts would be great, so please leave drop me a review at the end :)_

_Thanks!_

* * *

When one lives for so long, it makes it even harder to live a perfect life. There is no time limit to the amount of mistakes you could make. The mistakes you make, however, seem to treble in monstrosity. The consequences, the amount of people hurt, just get larger and larger until you're completely buried amongst the rubble of your own selfishness. The worst of it all, you cannot blame anybody but yourself.

The moonlight was shimmering deep within the black depths of the night. Glancing up at it from time to time, it looked like me. Alone, stranded in the darkness.

But I was angry. There weren't words that could describe the tormented fury that was radiating from my skin in tsunami waves that crashed loudly in my ears.

Maybe that's why Alice knew I was coming. Perhaps that is why she greeted me outside my old home, in the open air, where emotions could be diluted in the cold of the night.

"What on Earth do you think you're doing?"

Alice only scowled, clearly frustrated at my tone of voice. I could not help it. To be kept in the dark for so long where Bella was concerned, to have no say in the matter, was excruciating. To know my views had been carelessly thrown aside and ignored due to a silly belief that we, as malicious vampires, could serve any purpose in being around her.

"When you've calmed down, I'd like to invite you inside where we can talk about this like adults we are." Her voice was calm, too calm. I wanted her to scream at me so I could warrant my own raging remarks.

My eyes narrowed. "You betrayed me."

"No, Edward, you betrayed Bella. Now, when you've calmed down, I'd like to inv-"

She didn't finish her sentence. Pushing past her, I forced my way into the house, ready to get some answers to the ridiculous scheme that had been plot behind my back. By my family, I just couldn't comprehend why such stupidity had been undergone.

The words that had momentarily formed in my mind evaporated. Any coherent thought I may have conjured, any sense of rationality I may have held onto, disappeared the moment the scent of her blood reached me.

It was as powerful as ever. A simple scent, as alluring as the very first time, rendered my speechless and completely incapable.

Mixed emotions fired through me, bullets to my head, over and over, bringing different points of view into coherence. I was filled with memories I'd tried to forget about, memories that I'd pushed aside because of the pain and misery on both of our parts.

I didn't want to remember them. Bella was not a blood bank, she was not a scent; she was a person, a beautiful girl who'd stolen my heart, resuscitated it inside her own sensitive body.

The memories forced me into anger.

"Why is Bella here?" I hissed.

I tried to remain calm, quiet. I could hear her gentle breaths, each one as delicate and as peaceful as I could remember; these memories were the ones I had cherished deep inside of me for all the time I had been hidden.

I focused all of my awareness onto Bella, answering jibes and remarks from Alice with my own snide comments. She had disobeyed the family's promise to stay away; she'd blatantly put aside everybody else's needs to see her best friend again.

I thought that was true, until Alice admits of the werewolves, of the interference from the other vampires.

The contradiction of thoughts in my mind tore my apart; _to stay _or _to runaway. _It was so difficult to be within such close proximity of Bella but to keep my presence hidden. I kept reassuring myself that it was for her benefit.

Our argument continued, hushed voices, snarled words that echoed in our minds. The words she spoke aloud were kind; the ones in her mind were much worse.

In the midst of our argument, I hadn't noticed the change in Bella's breathing. I hadn't been aware of the shifting of her body against the cotton material of the bed sheets. Only when Alice spoke the words aloud did my awareness focus in on the gentle footsteps that could be heard on the floorboards above.

Delicately, she came down the stairs. I was in a trance, a completely paralysed position that made it impossible for me to move, even an inch. My breaths had stopped; my eyes were glued to the staircase, listening to the frantic heartbeat in her chest.

She came into view, a ghost of a memory. This wasn't the Bella that I'd left behind; standing in front of me, she wasn't a healthy weight with beautiful rosy cheeks or glossy hair.

Her face was gaunt, her expression a mix of determination and gut-wrenching worry. It was her body that scarred me, so small, so fragile, so very thin. She looked like a feather would knock her over; a simple breeze would cause the stability of her legs to crumble.

Had I done this to her? Had I caused her so much pain that had altered her so much?

Her eyes… so brown and deep… were no longer filled with undeniable love, but anger, frustration and hatred; not that I could blame her.

So much had altered, because of me, and yet she still had the beauty to catch my breath. Hidden deep within the lack of health, I saw my Bella and the person she used to me; beautiful, kind, caring.

"Bella," I whispered.

"Edward, I…" It was croaky, rough, and quiet; but it was a voice. It was Bella's voice.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry!" It was all I could say, all I could offer; a measly apology that I shouted across the room at her, emotion crumbling the words into a mess on the floor in front of her. Pathetic attempt at a consolation for all I'd caused her.

She talked to me, asked me why. Why? Such a simple question that was so hard to answer. Why? I asked myself the very same question, tried to revive some of the answer I'd forced myself to believe.

"I could stand here and waste my pathetic mortal life naming every possible name I could think of to describe how stupid you are, Edward Cullen," she hissed. "I could stand here and call you every name under the sun. Alice has already used some of the ones on the very long list. But I'll just use some, shall I?"

The words caused a dull ache, a throbbing pain in my mind. It was nothing more than I deserve but the realisation that I'd damaged her so was beyond thinkable.

Arrogant, selfish, delusional; the words that tumbled from Bella's mouth were so strong, so determined. They were part of the new Bella that I'd help to create.

Listening to every word that she spat at me, I felt a blow. An agonising blow with the power to knock me to the floor and hold me there forever; they held a strength that only Bella could conjure. It was the power she had over me, the power I chose to ignore for the greater good. For her greater good.

I tried to tell her, to explain in feeble words that it was such an agonisingly lonely place for me to be, when I hid away.

"You hid away?" she shouted back at me, swinging her arms and walking towards me. "You hid away? Okay. Well, where was my privilege, eh?"

Her hand hit my chest. The impact was light, I hardly felt the pressure; but the action, the intent, the motive behind the strike hurt. She could have driven a stake through my heart, set me on fire. It took all my strength to stand up straight.

When she tried to hit me again, I caught her arm gently. If she felt it necessary, she could cause me as much pain as possible – she could throw things at me, shoot angry words at me, but nothing that could potentially cause her damage in the process.

It was then, with my hand cautiously wrapped around her arm, that I realised I was touching Bella. I could feel her pulse in her arm, the throb of the blood pumping furiously with adrenaline. If I applied a small amount of pressure, I could feel the fragility of her bone.

I pulled it down from the air, cradled it in my hands. I was touching her soft, pale skin. I felt the small bump in the back of her hand, where Alice's thoughts told me a drip had been inserted when Bella refused to eat.

After a moment, she yanked her hand out of mine. A swift movement that blocked my throat with emotion; she was crying now too. I reached forwards, to wipe away the tear with one of my fingers. When my hand fell back to my side, I rubbed the salty bead of liquid between my two fingers, evidence of her upset.

"Are you going to leave me again?" Her voice was barely audible, even for me. A whisper, a croak, as if she was afraid to say the words aloud; I think she was scared of the reality, that she'd scared me away with her brutal honesty.

I reassured her as quickly as I could. "I… I don't think I could, even if I wanted to."

She began to talk about responsibility, as if being with her was like a chore. The way she said it, it was as if I'd only been with her because of her safety, forgetting the overpowering love I felt for her, the connection I had, the care I wanted to provide for her.

"I need to sleep," she said quietly. I'd forgotten it was the middle of the night. "Will you be gone in the morning?"

"No. Not unless you want me to go."

If she'd said otherwise, I don't know how I would have been able to pull myself away. There were so many ways that I wanted to repent for all of the misery I'd caused her. When she asked if I was really sorry, I admitted my hate for myself.

I wasn't expecting sympathy or forgiveness. I was simply trying to tell her how much it had affected me too, to see her as weak and fragile as she was standing in front of me. How could I not hate myself, after all I had done to her?

"So you're willing to do anything?"

"Anything."

"Sit there." She had pointed to an arm chair across from the couch, which she stumbled over to, as I took my place in my designated chair.

I could not tear my eyes away as I watched her pull a blanket from a collection to the side of her, cover her body in the thin material and whisper goodnight into the darkened room.

When Alice had returned upstairs, the silence became too much. It was awkward and difficult, so many things that I still wanted to admit, to assure her of.

"May I… may I tell you something?" I asked quietly. I didn't want to disturb her if she had already fallen asleep. I wouldn't blame her, she looked exhausted. Every part of her body screamed for the chance to be revitalised.

"Tell me what?" She seemed wary.

"You might deem it as inappropriate," I admitted.

"What is it?"

I took a small breath and gazed at her face through the darkness. "I… I'm still in love with you, Bella, and I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated you."

Our eyes met somehow in the darkness. Could she see me properly? Her eyes were wide and fearful, but they drooped several times with the weight of her tiredness. Only when she began to shake, did I ask her if she was okay.

"Are you cold?"

"No, why?"

"You're shaking. Are you ill?"

"No."

"You should go to sleep, Bella."

"I'll add patronising to the list, as well."

"I'm … I…" I sighed in defeat, unsure what else to say. "You don't believe I'm going to stay, do you?"

"Can you blame me, Edward?"

No, I couldn't blame her for a second. The only ounce of assurance I could gain from the situation was that she was scared I was going to leave. If I analysed this backwards, it suggested she wanted me to stay. It was a single step, perhaps even a stumble, in the right direction to making things right again.

"Edward, I… I still love you too. Even after everything, I still love you. It's strange, because for so long I've wanted you to come back to me… and now you're here, I'm just so angry."

I could understand her thoughts, her confusion, and her mixed emotions. It was a lifeline for me to grasp in my moments of desperation, that she still felt as I did, that there was a foundation on which we could rebuild our relationship.

"Maybe you could sit here?" She was pointing to the floor beside the couch where she was lying. I moved instantly, my back against the couch, my neck turned so I could read Bella's expression.

"I will spend forever making it up to you, Bella." It was a promise, eternally binding with the strength of my love.

As if the words were the password, her hand crept out from underneath the blanket and found my own. I remained perfectly still as her chapped lips grazed my fingers, her breath warm on my skin.

Slowly, she fell asleep. Her eyes closed softly, her dark lashes contrasting with the pale of her cheeks. With her breaths deep and heavy, I noticed the scent of her again.

It wasn't just the scent of her blood I noticed this time. After becoming used to the overwhelming luscious scent of the blood, the scents of _Bella _became apparent to me. Not her blood, but the scent of her shampoo, her hair washed and conditioned with her favourite brand. The scent of popcorn on her tongue, mildly disguised with Minty toothpaste.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. My hand remained in hers, the pulse still throbbing rhythmically whilst she continued to sleep on. I examined the damage further, trying to contemplate how she had gotten so thin, how she looked so exhausted.

"You know"- I looked up from Bella to see Alice standing on the stairs – "she was much worse than this when I got back." Her voice was soft, not accusing or malicious, just matter of fact.

I gave a small nod.

"It took a lot of work to get her out of there. An adolescent unit isn't a place for a broken heart, no matter how depressed they thought she was."

Walking over to sit on the coffee table silently, I let my eyes wander over to my dainty sister watching me closely.

"It wasn't easy for me, you know. To just ignore you. To just forget about you." Alice gave a small sideways smile, an attempt at forgiveness. "I'll say I told you so, but I think Bella has given you enough of a hard time."

"I deserved it."

"Yeah, you did," Alice replied smartly. She leaned forwards and took my spare hand in her own, rubbing comforting circles on the back of my hand. "But, well, you're my brother and I still love you, no matter what you've done."

After she gave my hand a small squeeze, Alice stood up quietly and leant down to give Bella a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

As she turned to make her way back upstairs, I whispered for her to turn back around.

"Thank you, Alice… and I really mean that," I said quietly as I gave Bella's hand the softest of squeezes.


End file.
